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Bart's Chalkboard Gags

Kent Brockman's Notebook of Seemingly Useless Simpsons Information

Due to the number of requests for this list I have decided to add it. I did not create this list myself so I don't know the how accurate all the gags are. As far as I know, this list was put together by Don Del Grande at SNPP. Check SNPP's list for the air dates.

Season 1
  • I will not waste chalk
  • I will not skateboard in the halls
  • I will not burp in class
  • I will not instigate revolution
  • I will not draw naked ladies in class
  • I did not see Elvis
  • I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
  • Garlic gum is not funny
  • They are laughing at me, not with me
  • I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom 
Season 2
  • I will not encourage others to fly
  • I will not fake my way through life
  • Tar is not a plaything
  • I will not Xerox my butt
  • It's potato, not potatoe
  • I will not trade pants with others
  • I am not a 32 year old woman
  • I will not do that thing with my tongue
  • I will not drive the principal's car
  • I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
  • I will not sell school property
  • I will not cut corners
              "  "    "   "   "   "
              "  "    "   "   "   "
  • I will not get very far with this attitude
  • I will not make flatuent noises in class
  • I will not belch the National Anthem
  • I will not sell land in Florida
  • I will not grease the monkey bars
  • I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
  • I will not do anything bad ever again
  • I will not show off (written in Olde English style font)
  • I will not sleep through my education 
Season 3
  • I am not a dentist
  • Spitwads are not free speech
  • Nobody likes sunburn slappers
  • High explosives and school don't mix
  • I will not bribe Principal Skinner
  • I will not squeak chalk (Chalk squeaks as he writes)
  • I will finish what I sta
  • "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
  • I will not fake rabies
  • Underwear should be worn on the inside
  • The Christmas Pageant does not stink
  • I will not torment the emotionally frail
  • I will not carve gods
  • I will not spank others
  • I will not aim for the head
  • I will not barf unless I'm sick
  • I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
  • I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
  • I will not conduct my own fire drills
  • Funny noises are not funny
  • I will not spin the turtle
  • I will not snap bras
  • I will not fake seizures
Season 4
  • This punishment is not boring and pointless
  • My name is not Dr. Death
  • I will not defame New Orleans
  • I will not prescribe medication
  • I will not bury the new kid
  • I will not teach others to fly
  • I will not bring sheep to class
  • A burp is not an answer
  • Teacher is not a leper
  • Coffee is not for kids (Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl)
  • I will not eat things for money
  • I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
  • The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
  • I will not call the principal "spud head"
  • Goldfish don't bounce
  • Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
  • No one is interested in my underpants
  • I will not sell miracle cures
  • I will return the seeing-eye dog
  • I do not have diplomatic immunity
  • I will not charge admission to the bathroom
Season 5
  • I will never win an Emmy
  • The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
  • All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
  • I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
  • I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
  • My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
  • I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
  • I am not delightfully saucy
  • Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
  • The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
  • I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
  • There are plenty of businesses like show business
  • I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
  • Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
Season 6
  • Beans are neither fruit nor musical
  • I will not use abbrev.
  • I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
  • I will not send lard through the mail
  • I will not dissect things unless instructed
  • I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
  • Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
  • Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
  • "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
  • Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
  • Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
  • I will not hang donuts on my person
  • I will remember to take my medication
  • I will not strut around like I own the place
  • The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
  • I do not have power of attorney over first graders
  • Nerve gas is not a toy
  • I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
  • The First Amendment does not cover burping
  • This is not a clue...or is it?
Season 7
  • I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
  • "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
  • No one wants to hear from my armpits
  • I am not a lean mean spitting machine
  • The boys room is not a water park
  • Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
  • Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
  • I will only do this once a year (referring to clip shows)
  • I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
  • I am not certified to remove asbestos
Season 8
  • I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
  • I am not my long-lost twin
  • The truth is not out there
  • I am not licensed to do anything
  • I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
  • A fire drill does not demand a fire
Season 9
  • I no longer want my MTV
  • Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
  • I did not invent Irish dancing
  • I will not tease Fatty
  • There was no Roman god named "Farticus"
  • Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
  • Shooting paintballs is not an art form
  • Pain is not the cleanser
  • Silly String is not a nasal spray
  • I was not told to do this
  • My butt does not deserve a website
  • I will not demand what I'm worth
  • I will not mess with the opening credits (This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom)
  • I am not the new Dalai Lama
  • I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
Season 10
  • I will not file frivolous lawsuits
  • "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address
  • No one cares what my definition of "is" is
  • I will not scream for ice cream
  • I am not a licensed hairstylist
  • "The President did it" is not an excuse
  • My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
  • Sherri does not "got back"
  • I will not do the Dirty Bird
  • No one wants to hear about my sciatica
  • Hillbillies are people too
  • Grammar is not a time of waste
  • It does not suck to be you
  • I cannot absolve sins
  • A trained ape could not teach gym
  • Loose teeth don't need my help
  • I have neither been there nor done that
  • I am so very tired
Season 11
  • Fridays are not "pants optional"
  • Pork is not a verb
  • I am not the last Don
  • I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
  • I won't not use no double negatives
  • I can't see dead people
  • I will not sell my kidney on eBay
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