Written by: Rob Des Hotel & Dean Batali
Directed by: David Semel
Characters, stories, situations, events and dialogue copyright © 1997 Twentieth Century Fox Television and its related entities.
. ~~~~~~~~~~ Disclaimer ~~~~~~~~~~
I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network.
This is a straightforward and dry transcript of the episode "Never Kill a Boy on the First Date".
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
The cemetery. Buffy is fighting a vampire. She kicks him in the face with a high roundhouse kick, forcing him to step backward to keep his balance. The vampire does a jumping half-twisting crescent kick, which Buffy ducks. He tries two punches, and Buffy neatly blocks them. On his third punch she grabs hold of his arm and hits him in the face with a high front snap kick. Letting go of the vampire’s arm, Buffy punches him squarely in the midsection and follows up with a swinging punch to his face, sending him to the ground.
Buffy: We haven’t been properly introduced. (pulls out a stake) I’m Buffy, and you’re history!
She plunges the stake into him as he gets up. He falls and bursts into ashes.
Giles: (pops up from behind a crypt) Poor technique. (comes around to her) Prioritizing, sub-par... Execution was adequate, but a bit too bloody for my taste.
Buffy: Giles, don’t mention it. It was my pleasure to make the world safe for humanity again.
Giles: I’m not saying that your methods are without merit, it’s, uh, y- you’re spending too much time and energy. It should simply be: plunge, and move on. Plunge and... (notices something on the ground) Hello. (bends over to pick up a ring with his pen)
Buffy: (sees the ring) Oh, that’s great! I kill ‘em, you fence their stuff. (Giles gives her a look) What is it?
Giles: I don’t know.
Buffy: But it bothers you.
Giles: Yes! Well, I... I thought this vampire was just on a random kill, but it may be something else.
Buffy: Something big?
Giles: Yes. I’d best consult my books.
Cut to the Master’s lair. He slams a book down on his lectern, opens it and reads.
Master: ‘And there will be a time of crisis, of worlds hanging in the balance. And in this time shall come the Anointed, the Master’s great warrior. And the Slayer will not know him, will not stop him, and he will lead her into Hell.’ As it is written, so shall it be. (picks up the book and walks) ‘Five will die, and from their ashes the Anointed shall rise. The Brethren of Aurelius shall greet him and usher him to his immortal destiny.’ (stops by one of the brethren) As it is written, so shall it be. ‘And one of the brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed, because he couldn’t wait to finish his job before he ate.’ Oh, wait. (grabs one of the brethren by the throat) That’s not written anywhere. (lifts the vampire from his feet) The Anointed will be my greatest weapon against the Slayer! If you fail to bring him to me, if you allow that girl to stop you... (throws the vampire into a coffin) Here endeth the lesson.
He slams the book shut and walks off.
Opening credits roll. Buffy’s theme plays.
~~~~ Commercial break ~~~~
The library. Buffy is sitting on the table and studying the ring. Giles makes his way down to her from the stacks while leafing through a book.
Giles: That symbol on the ring... I believe it’s the rune for fidelity, but, uh, it doesn’t connect with any of the sects that I’ve studied.
Buffy: What about this? (shows him the ring) On the inside. It’s a sun and three stars. Haven’t we seen that somewhere?
Giles: Let me see. (takes the ring and looks closely) No, I-I don’t think this, um, represents any...
Buffy: (looks in a book) Wait, it’s right here. Sun and three stars. Yuck, check these guys out. (hands Giles the open book) Told you it looked familiar.
Giles: Oh, the Order of Aurelius. Yes, you’re right.
Buffy: Ooo, two points for the Slayer, while the Watcher has yet to score!
Owen comes into the library and approaches them.
Buffy: Oh! (slides off the table) Owen! Hi!
Giles: (looks up at Owen) What do you want?
Owen: A book?
Giles: Oh!
Buffy: (to Giles) See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
Owen: I lost my Emily. Dickinson. It’s dumb, but I like her around. Kind of a security blanket.
Buffy: (awkwardly) I have something like that. Well, it’s an actual blanket. Uh, and I don’t really carry it around anym-more... So! Emily Dickens, huh? She’s great!
Owen: Dickinson.
Buffy: She’s good also.
Giles: (points at the stacks) Poetry.
Owen: (to Buffy) I didn’t think I’d find you here. (goes up the stairs)
Buffy: (follows Owen) W... Why not?
Owen: I, I didn’t mean... I mean... I think you can read.
Buffy: Thanks.
Owen: But you don’t seem bookwormy. (finds his book) The type of person to lock themselves in a dark room with a lotta musty old books. (looks up from the book) Oh, and I’ve offended you.
Buffy: No! No, I’m just surprised you gave any thought to what I’m like.
Owen: You shouldn’t be. (starts back down)
Buffy: (follows again) Oh, well, I love books. I mean, I really love books.
Owen sees the book they were consulting earlier on the table and heads over there to take a look.
Owen: What’s this?
Buffy: (gets between him and the book) Not this one.
Giles: (picks the book up) This one she doesn’t love.
He walks around Buffy, takes Owen’s book and heads to the checkout station.
Giles: Oh, Emily Dickinson.
Buffy: We’re both fans.
Giles: Yes, uh, she’s quite a good poet, I mean for a... (takes Owen’s library card)
Buffy: A girl?
Giles: For an American. (scans the book and library card)
Owen: (to Buffy) I’ll, uh, see you in math... if I open my eyes at some point. (takes the card and book from Giles)
Buffy: Cool...
Owen leaves. Buffy stares after him.
Giles: The Order of Aurelius is a very old and venerated sect. If they’re here, it’s for a good reason.
Buffy: That was Owen!
Giles: Yes, I remember.
Buffy: Do you have any more copies of Emily Dickinson? I need one.
Giles: (exasperated) Buffy, while the mere fact of you wanting to check out a book would be grounds for a national holiday, I think we should focus on the problem at hand.
Buffy: Right. I’m sorry, you’re right. Vampires. (looks down at her dress) Oh. (looks inquisitively at Giles) Does this outfit make me look fat?
Cut to the cafeteria. Buffy and Willow are paying for lunch.
Willow: Owen Thurman was talking to you?
Buffy: It’s all true.
Willow: Wow! He hardly talks to anyone. He’s solitary, mysterious... He can brood for forty minutes straight, I’ve clocked him.
Buffy: He was so nice, it was eerie.
Willow: What did you guys have to talk about?
Buffy: (heads for a table) Emily Dickinson.
Willow: (follows) He reads Emily Dickinson? He’s sensitive, yet manly! (Buffy sets down her tray) Well, wait, you’ve never even read her.
Buffy pulls out the book and sets it down for Willow to see.
Willow: You vixen! (they both sit)
Xander: (holds up his fork) Has anybody given any thought to what this green stuff is?
Buffy: Hmm, I’m avoiding the subject.
Xander: I think it’s kale, or possibly string cheese. (lets the fork drop) So, Buffy, how’d the slaying go last night?
Buffy: (gives him a stern look) Xander!
Xander: I mean, how’d the laying go? (gets another look from Buffy) No, I don’t mean that either.
Buffy: It went fine, thank you. There’s some new hoidy-toidy vampire sect in town.
Willow: That’s bad.
Xander: Well, hey, they’re bringing in the much needed tourist dollars. (sees Owen) Ooo, look at Mr. Excitement.
Buffy: Owen! He’s all alone! Maybe somebody should sit with him.
Willow: Mm, just to be polite! (Buffy gets up) Good luck!
Xander: (to Willow) Okay, what just happened?
Buffy walks over to Owen’s table. Cordelia is coming over, too, from another direction.
Cordelia: Look, an empty seat! (bumps Buffy)
Buffy: (spills her tray) Ooo! Ew...
Owen: Let me get that. (bends down)
Buffy: Thanks! (crouches) Boy! Cordelia’s hips are wider than I thought!
Cordelia: (sarcastically) Eh-heh!
Owen: At least you don’t have to eat your Soylent Green.
Cordelia: (trying to get attention) Owen, a bunch of us are loitering at the Bronze tonight. You there?
Owen: Who’s all going?
Cordelia: Well, um, I’m gonna be there.
Owen: Who else?
Cordelia: You mean besides me?
Owen: (to Buffy) Buffy, what about you?
Buffy: What?
Cordelia: No, no, no! She, uh, she doesn’t like fun.
Owen: (to Buffy) How ‘bout we meet there at eight?
Buffy: (smiles) Yeah! Eight! There!
She puts her empty tray on top of Cordelia’s.
Cut to the halls. Buffy and Willow come in through the doors.
Buffy: It’s not that big a deal. It’s just a bunch of people getting together.
Willow: It’s a very big deal!
Buffy: It’s not!
Willow: It is. (spots Giles) Tell her!
Giles: I’m afraid it’s very big.
Willow: (smiles at Buffy) Thank you! (turns back to Giles, confused) Wait!
They follow Giles into the library. Cut into the library.
Willow: What are you talking about?
Giles: What are you talking about?
Buffy and Willow: Boys!
Giles: Yes, well, I’m talking about trouble. A violent and disturbing prophecy is about to be fulfilled.
Buffy: The Order of Aurelius.
Giles: You were spot-on about the connection. (walks over to the table) I’ve looked at the writings of Aurelius himself, and he, he prophesied that the brethren of his order would come to the Master and bring him the Anointed.
Willow: Who’s that?
Giles: Well, I-I don’t know exactly, a-a-a-a warrior, but, but it says he will rise from the ashes of the Five on the evening of the thousandth day after the Advent of Septus.
Buffy: Well, we’ll be ready whenever it is.
Giles: Which is tonight.
Buffy: (takes in the information) Tonight, okay... (realizes the conflict) Not okay! It can’t be tonight!
Giles: My calculations are precise.
Buffy: Nuh! They’re bad calculations! Bad!
Willow: Buffy has a really important date.
Buffy: Owen!
Giles: Alright, I-I’ll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
Buffy: Okay, at this point you’re abusing sarcasm.
Giles: Buffy, this is no ordinary vampire. But we have to stop him before he reaches the Master.
Buffy: But... Cute guy! Teenager! Post-pubescent fantasies!
Giles: Those will just have to be put on hold! The dark forces are aligning against us, and we have a chance to beat them back. Tonight we go into battle!
Cut to the graveyard. Giles and Buffy are sitting on a large gravestone.
Giles: (sniffs) Perhaps I miscalculated.
Buffy: I’m thinking yes. (sucks her drink dry)
Giles: Well, you know what they say. Ninety percent of the vampire slaying game is, is waiting.
Buffy: You couldn’t have told me that ninety percent ago?
Giles: Well, we, we’ve certainly waited here long enough. (gets up)
Buffy: Besides, there aren’t any fresh graves. Who’s gonna rise?
Giles: Apparently no one tonight.
Buffy: (jumps up) Then I can bail? I can go to the Bronze and find Owen?
Giles: Oh, very well then. Follow your hormones if you want. (Buffy hops down and starts to go) But I assume I don’t have to warn you about the hazards of becoming personally involved with someone who’s unaware of your unique condition.
Buffy: Yeah, yeah, I read the back of the box.
Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
Buffy: Well, in that case I won’t wear my button that says, ‘I’m a Slayer. Ask me how!’ (gets a look from Giles) Good night. (leaves)
Giles: ‘Five shall die, and from their ashes the Anointed shall rise.’ I was sure it was tonight.
Cut to a bus. The passengers ride in silence.
Collin: (to Andrew) I went on an airplane.
Andrew: A pale horse emerged with death as its rider. You will be judged. You will be judged.
Cut to the Bronze. Buffy goes in and looks around for Owen. “Rotten Apple”, by Three Day Wheely, is playing on the sound system.
Lyrics: ...is real / Then you wake up shouting some familiar name / It’s not the same
Buffy sees Owen dancing with Cordelia. She looks on, crushed by the sight of them together.
Lyrics: You’re just a girl / Just a girl who knows no shame / Whose desperate pace has lost its taste / A never-ending darkness weighs / I can’t avoid, I can’t complain / I know exactly who’s to blame / The girl who shares my...
Cut to the bus. Andrew has gotten up and stands in the aisle.
Andrew: That day’s gonna bring fire. Fire comin’ down! Judgment! (to Collin and his mom) Don’t think you’re ready, ready to look upon him. If there’s sin in there, there’s sin all around. It’s a liquid. On that day there won’t be anybody tellin’ us what to do or why we’re doin’ it. You can’t prepare. On that day...
Driver: (to Andrew) Hey, you gotta sit down. Okay?
Andrew: Are you willing to stand with the righteous?
One of the brethren steps in front of the bus. The driver hits the brakes and slams into the vampire. The bus begins to swerve, runs through a sign and hits a pole, which brings it to a stop.
Driver: (looks back at the passengers) Is everyone okay?
The passengers look at each other. They all seem shaken but okay. The driver gets out to check the victim.
Driver: (to victim) Are you all right? (kneels down beside him) Can you move?
The vampire grabs him by the throat and begins choking him. Another one punches through a window, grabs Andrew by the throat, pulls him out and bites him. The vampires all climb into the bus to get the other people.
~~~~ Commercial break ~~~~
In the school halls at Buffy’s locker. She slams it shut and leans on it.
Xander: So you just went home?
Buffy: What was I supposed to do? Say to Owen, ‘Sorry I was late, I was sitting in a cemetery with the librarian waiting for a vampire to rise so I could prevent an evil prophecy from coming to pass?’
Xander: (weighs options with his hands) Or flat tire?
Buffy: (starts walking) I can’t take this anymore. I feel like everyone is staring at me, the big, hideous, dateless monster. (to a passing student) What? Yeah, that’s right, I have no life, c’mon, nothin’ to see here, pal, move it along!
Cut to a different part of the hall.
Xander: You’re acting a little overly, aren’t you? I mean, you could have any guy in school.
Buffy: He’s not any guy. He’s more... Oweny.
Xander: Sure, he’s got a certain Owenosity, but that’s not hard to find. (they reach his locker) I mean, a lotta guys read. (with a goofy smile) I can read.
Buffy is leaning on the lockers looking down when she notices Owen come up to her.
Owen: Hey, Buffy!
Buffy: Owen!
Xander: Oh, look, it’s Owen. (gets a look from Buffy) Buffy and Owen. And Xander. That’d be me.
Owen: W-where were you last night?
Buffy: Oh. Well, um, my watch broke and we don’t have any clocks in our house and so I didn’t know what time it was or even what day it was...
Owen: I thought I was the only one that happened to. How ‘bout we try it again for tonight? I’ll even lend you my watch.
He hands her his gold pocket watch and chain. Xander looks at the watch in wide-eyed amazement. Buffy accepts it.
Buffy: Tonight? Y-you and me?
Xander looks at his Tweety wristwatch.
Owen: Well, we could invite the chess club, but they drink and they start fights...
Buffy: Oh, no, it’s just... Well, I... sort of heard that... you and Cordelia were... somewhat... all over each other. A little...
Owen: I danced with her a couple of times. (with a look of distaste) She’s kinda grabby.
Buffy: Oh, well, let’s see, if I rearrange that, and I push that to n... Sure! Tonight’ll work!
Owen: Great! I’ll pick you up at seven?
Buffy: Um, seven!
Owen: That’s when the little hand’s (points on the pocket watch) there.
Buffy: Oh! Between the six and the eight.
Owen: Um, I’ll see you then! (leaves)
Buffy: (watches him go) Tonight! Isn’t that so?
Xander: What?
Buffy: (dreamily) Me and Owen! (walks off)
Xander: (feeling down) Yeah, so it is. (closes his locker) It sure is so.
Cut to Giles’ office. He has a headache from researching and is just sitting down to have some tea. Buffy barges in.
Buffy: Hey, how’s it going?
Giles: Uh, alright.
Buffy: That’s great! I see we’re still working on that Anointed One problem, that’ll probably take you a few days, right? I mean, that’s one obscure prophecy...
Giles: Well, yes, there are a few interpretations...
Buffy: So tonight’s looking slow, right? Probably best to relax and regroup, no big disasters coming, that is so good, I will see you tomorrow then! Bye! (leaves quickly)
Giles: She is the strangest girl.
Cut to the Master’s lair. The brethren give him their attention.
Master: You have done well. Everything is in place. When this night’s work is done, I will have a mighty ally. I’ll be one step closer to freeing myself from this... mystical prison. (feels his confines) I’ve been trapped down here so long I’ve nearly forgotten what it’s like on the surface. Well, there’ll be time enough to remember... when I rule it! If she tries to stop you, kill her. Give your own lives, but do not fail to bring the Anointed. I know you won’t disappoint me. (quickly grabs a fly from the air) Bug!
Cut to Buffy’s room. She’s wearing her bathrobe, and Willow is helping her decide on an outfit.
Willow: Pick!
Buffy: (to Xander) Okay, (Willow holds up one minidress) do I wanna appear shy, coy and naive or (Willow holds up the other) unrestrained, insatiable and aggressive?
Xander: (watching from the bed) Uh, y’know, Owen is a little home spun, he probably doesn’t like that overly assertive look. (goes to her closet) Oh, hey, here’s something. A nice comfy overcoat and a ski cap! (holds them up to her) The earflaps will bring out your eyes!
Buffy and Willow exchange a look.
Buffy: Maybe I should mix and match. (Willow nods) Okay, guy’s opinion. (grabs two lipsticks from her desk) Which one do you think Owen will like better? (holds them up) The red or the peach?
Xander: Oh, you mean for kissing you and then telling all his friends how easy you are so the whole school loses respect for you and then talks behind your back? The red’s fine.
Buffy: Thanks. I’ll go with the peach. (puts on the lipstick)
Willow: (hands Buffy a third minidress) Here, put this on.
Buffy and Willow look at Xander.
Xander: You’re not bothering me!
Willow sighs, turns him around and pushes him away.
Willow: (to Buffy) So, where’s he taking you?
Buffy: Oh, I don’t know. Where do you suppose young kids go on dates these days? (unties her bathrobe)
Xander goes over to her drawer chest and tries to angle the mirror inside a box so he can see.
Willow: Well, I read somewhere once that sometimes they go to movies.
Buffy: (finishes pulling on the minidress) Movies! Interesting!
Willow: And I saw on TV once, a bunch of people our age went to a party.
Buffy: (pulls on a boot) Wow! I never knew being a teenager was so full of possibilities! (pulls on the other boot)
Xander fumbles with the box. Buffy and Willow look over at him. The door bell rings.
Buffy: (excited) That’s Owen!
Cut to Buffy opening the door.
Buffy: That’s Giles.
Giles: We need to talk.
Buffy: Buffy’s not home. (tries to close the door)
Giles: (pushes the door open and comes in) My calculations may not have been as far off as I thought. (holds up a newspaper)
Buffy: (reads) ‘Five Die in Van Accident’?
Giles: Out of the ashes of five shall rise the one. That’s the prophecy. Five people have died!
Buffy: In a car crash.
Giles: I know it doesn’t quite follow, but, but it’s worth investigating. Look! Among the dead was Andrew Borba, whom the police sought for questioning in a double murder. Now, he may be the Anointed One. The, the bodies have been taken to, to Sunnydale Funeral Home, w-we can...
Buffy: (interrupts) Giles, why do you wanna hurt me?
Giles: I beg your pardon?
Owen: (shows up at the open door) Hey! (comes in) Uh, hi!
Giles: You have a date?
Buffy: Yes, but I will return those overdue books by tomorrow.
Giles: Wait, you’re not getting off that easily.
Owen: Man, you really care about your work!
Willow: (thinking quickly) Uh, Owen?
Xander: Yeah, a couple of things about tonight.
Willow and Xander lead Owen into the living room.
Giles: Another date? Don’t you ever do anything else?
Buffy: This is the first date! There’s never been a date, okay? This is my maiden voyage!
Cut to the next room.
Owen: What, she doesn’t like to dance?
Xander: Well, it’s a little too late to do anything about that. Uh, you should probably know that Buffy doesn’t like to be kissed. Actually she doesn’t like to be touched.
Willow: Xander...
Xander: As a matter of fact, don’t even look at her.
Cut back to the foyer.
Buffy: We don’t even know if this is anything.
Giles: No, we don’t.
Buffy: And I haven’t had a day off in a while.
Giles: True...
Buffy: And a cranky Slayer is a careless Slayer!
Giles: Buffy, maintaining a normal social life as a Slayer... i-i-is problematic at best.
Buffy: This is the 90’s. The 1990’s, in point of fact, and I can do both. Clark Kent has a job. I just wanna go on a date.
Giles: Well, I, I suppose it was a fairly slim lead...
Buffy: (pleased) Thank you, thank you, thank you! And look, I won’t go far, okay? If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
Owen: (comes back) Is everything cool?
Buffy: All set.
Giles: Yes, and, uh, you’ll face a pretty hefty fine in the morning.
Buffy: Well, bye. Don’t wait up. (leaves quickly with Owen)
Willow: Is something going on?
Giles: Oh, uh, probably not, no. I, uh, I suppose I’ll just, uh, go to the funeral home in case, just see if anything comes up. (leaves)
Willow: (to Xander, concerned) This is bad.
Xander: I wish it was just bad.
Willow: We should... go along.
Xander: Yeah, you’re right. I don’t trust that Owen guy. It’s the eyes. Crazy!
Willow: Xander, we should go with Giles! He could get in trouble!
Xander: Oh, he’s gone, uh, it’s, he’s gonna be alright. He’s like super librarian, y’know? Everyone forgets, Willow, that knowledge is the ultimate weapon.
Cut to the Bronze. Velvet Chain is playing tonight. They begin with “Strong”. Owen and Buffy are sitting at a table talking.
Lyrics: I’ll be right along / ‘Cause, baby, you’re so strong
Owen: The thing about Emily Dickinson I love is, is she’s just so incredibly morbid. A lot of loss, a lot of death... It gets me. With a lot about bees, for some reason.
Buffy: Did she have a tragic and romantic life? With a lotta bees?
Owen: Quiet. Kind of sequestered and uneventful. Which I can really relate to. I... don’t get out much.
Buffy: I don’t get that.
Owen: It’s my fault. I just find most girls pretty frivolous. I mean, there’s a lot more important things in life than dating, y’know? (Buffy looks down at her beeper) Oh. Did I say something wrong?
Buffy: Uh, no! Come on.
She leads Owen to the dance floor.
Lyrics: Baby, baby, I know it’s always been so / Physical love is, oh, so meaningful for you
Buffy and Owen dance close.
Owen: It’s weird.
Buffy: What is?
Owen: You! One minute you’re right there. I’ve got you figured. The next, it’s like you’re two people.
Buffy: Really? Which one do you like better?
Owen: I’ll let you know.
Lyrics: So strong / Baby, I’m yours / You know / Because you’re so / So strong
Cut to Cordelia entering the Bronze with some of her friends. She sees Buffy with Owen.
Cordelia: Aren’t there laws against this sort of thing? (walks over to Buffy and Owen) Owen! Look at you, here all alone...
Lyrics: You’re so, so strong
Owen: Cordelia, I’m here with Buffy.
Cordelia: Oh! Okay. Do you wanna dance?
Owen: No, I’m still here with Buffy.
Cordelia: You are so good to help the needy.
Buffy: Cordelia, Owen and I would like to be alone right now, and for that to happen, you would have to go somewhere that’s away.
Cordelia: (gives Buffy a look) (to Owen) Well, when you’re ready for the big leagues, let me know. (leaves)
Lyrics: You would suffer, suffer for me
Cut to the Sunnydale Funeral Home. Giles drives up in his ancient car. It’s quiet. He gets out, slings his bag over his shoulder and starts around his car to the building. The night is creepy, and he has a look around. He continues toward the building, but stops short when he senses something. He looks around again to his right. Nothing. As he turn back he sees one of the brethren in front of him. He starts to back away, but another one is behind him.
Giles: Damn!
~~~~ Commercial break ~~~~
In front of the Sunnydale Funeral Home. Giles is caught between two of the brethren of the Order of Aurelius. He pulls a cross from his bag and holds it up to them. They cower away in pain. Giles makes a dash for the building. Cut inside. Giles looks around and puts his cross back into his bag. He runs to the flower room door and finds it locked. The brethren come into the building after him.
Cut to the Bronze. Velvet Chain is playing their next song, “Treason”.
Lyrics: I have a window in my mind / I can turn to look right through you
Owen: Are you, uh, having fun?
Buffy: Yeah. I almost feel like a girl.
Lyrics: Won’t cost you anything but time / To see me feel like you do
They smile at each other and continue to dance.
Cut to the funeral home. Giles finds the door to the morgue unlocked and rushes in. He slams the door behind him and looks around. He grabs a filing cabinet, tilts it and drags it over to block the door. It works, the brethren can’t readily open it. Giles looks around for a way out. The windows are barred. He sees Willow and Xander through the bars.
Giles: (startled) AH!
Willow: (Willow and Xander raise the window sash) Giles, it’s us!
Giles: What are you doing here?
Xander: We saw two guys going in after you. Are they...
Giles: (looks at the door) They are! (looks back) Uh, listen, you should get to safety.
Willow: Can you get out this window?
Giles: (tests the bars) I’m afraid not.
Xander: Look, I hate to state the obvious, but this looks like a job for Buffy?
Giles: Uh, she has her, her... beeping thing! (looks around) Um, no phone, of course.
Xander: Look, we’ll get her, just, uh, hang in there. (Willow and Xander leave)
Giles: (worried) Do hurry.
Cut to the Bronze. Owen and Buffy are standing by the stairs.
Owen: Do you want something to eat?
Buffy: Sure. Just make it something fattening.
Cordelia: (looking on from the shadows by a door) What a disgusting display. Is that really appropriate behavior in a public forum? I mean, I’ve never seen a girl throw herself at a guy like that. Uhhh!
The door opens and Angel comes in.
Cordelia: Ooo! Hello, salty goodness! (to her friend) Pick up the phone, call 911. That boy is gonna need some serious oxygen after I’m through with him.
She starts to follow Angel, but stops when she sees him go over to Buffy.
Angel: Buffy.
Buffy: Angel.
Cordelia: (to herself) Why is this happening to me?
Angel: (to Buffy) I was hoping I’d find you here.
Buffy: You were?
Angel: Some serious stuff happening tonight. You need to be out there.
Buffy: No, not you, too. (tries to leave)
Angel: (stops her) What do you know?
Buffy: Prophecy, Anointed One, yada, yada, yada...
Angel: So you know. Fine. I just thought I’d warn you.
Buffy: Warn me? You see that guy over there at the bar? (walks around him and faces Owen) He came here to be with me.
Angel: You’re here on a date?
Buffy: (turns to Angel) Yes! Why is it such a shock to everyone?
Owen: (returns) Here you go.
Buffy: Oh. (looks between Angel and Owen) Um, Owen, this is Angel. Angel, this is Owen. (puts her arm around him) Who is my date.
Angel: Hey.
Owen: Hey! So. Where do you know Buffy from?
Angel: Work.
Owen: (to Buffy) You work?
Willow and Xander come running up to them, out of breath.
Willow: Buffy!
Owen: Look at this! You show up everywhere. Interesting.
Xander: (points at Owen) You don’t know the half of it. (points at Angel) What’s he doing here?
Angel: I guess it’s the same thing you’re doin’ here.
Buffy: Uh, excuse me, what are any of you doing here?
Xander: Look, we gotta get to, uh... (Willow kicks him) Uhhhh. We thought it’d be fun if, uh, we made this a double date!
Willow and Xander put their arms around each other.
Buffy: I didn’t know you guys were seeing each other.
Willow: Oh, yeah, well, we knew it would happen eventually, so we figured, hey! Why fight it?
Owen: And you guys are thinking double?
Xander: ‘Cause of... (laughs nervously) ...the fun!
Owen: (to Angel) And you’re here because of work?
Xander: Hey, maybe we should all go somewhere together.
Buffy: Gee, that’s so nice of you to ask, but Owen and I were, well, sort of... Owen and I.
Xander: You know what’d be cool? The Sunnydale Funeral Home!
Willow: (emphasizing) I’ve always wanted to go there!
Buffy: The funeral home?
Owen: Actually, that sounds kinda cool! Do you think we could all sneak in?
Xander: We saw some guys in there before. They seemed to be (pointedly to Buffy) having fun!
Buffy: (to herself) Bite me!
She looks up at Angel. He gives her an ‘I told you so’ look.
Buffy: (exhales) (to Owen) Um, Owen, I gotta go.
Owen: I thought we were going to the funeral home.
Buffy: No, you can’t. I’ll tell you what. I’ll be back in a little while.
Owen: Buffy... (leads her away) What’s the deal? Do you wanna bail on me?
Buffy: No! No... no... uh... You remember when you said I was like two different people? Well, one of them has to go. But the other one is having a really, really good time, and will come back. I promise.
Owen just nods his head and watches her go. She comes back and lays a kiss on him. Then she really leaves with Willow and Xander close behind.
Owen: (to Angel) She’s the strangest girl!
Cut to the funeral home. Everything seems quiet. Buffy, Willow and Xander come in through the front door.
Buffy: Which way?
Willow: The room’s around back.
They go off to their left. Around a corner they hit a dead end.
Buffy: Damn it!
Owen: (appears behind them) This is so cool!
Buffy: Uh, Owen! You can’t be here!
Owen: Oh, and I suppose you guys are allowed? What are we doin’ here? Are we gonna see a dead body?
Buffy: Possibly several. (to Xander and Willow) Guys, watch him. (runs back the way they came)
Owen: Is she mad?
Willow: Oh, she just wants to make sure there’re no guards so we don’t get in trouble.
Owen: Good thinking.
Xander: (to Willow) Good thinking.
They start after Buffy. Cut to Buffy quietly walking down the hall, looking and listening. She finds the morgue door open and goes in. The place is a shambles.
Buffy: Giles?
His bag is on the autopsy gurney. The window bars are torn open. She finds his cross. Suddenly one of the doors to a body storage drawer opens in front of her, and the drawer rolls out. Buffy jumps back, startled.
Buffy: Giles!
Giles: It is you. Oh, good.
Buffy: What happened?
Giles: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them.
Buffy: Meaning...?
Giles: I hid. Uh, this, uh, chap was good enough to bunk with me till they went away.
(he jumps down off of the cadaver)
Buffy: Well, w-were they here after you, or w-was it that prophecy thing?
Giles: Ah, well, that’s what we have to find out. I don’t know what these brethren mean to do exactly. Find the Anointed, or, or, or, or give him something perhaps, uh, it’s all, all very vague. And the Anointed may be long gone!
Buffy: But he may not be.
Giles: We must find out.
Buffy: Okay, I just need to get Owen and the others out of harm’s way first.
Giles: Owen? You brought a date?
Buffy: (exhales) I didn’t bring him, he came.
Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn’t mean at the same time.
Buffy: I know. I’ll get rid of him. (starts to leave)
Giles: Y-you can’t make him go out there alone, we don’t know where the brethren are. I-I’ll just...
Buffy: No! No, Giles, he sees you, he’s gonna have more questions than he already does right now. I’ll take care of it.
She runs out into the hall and looks around for the others. They come around a corner and see her.
Willow: Is everything okay?
Buffy: It is.
Xander: And we’ll be leaving?
Owen: We’re not done lookin’ around yet!
Buffy: No, he’s right. So let’s find a nice, safe, fun room to look around in.
She takes Owen’s hand and leads the group down the hall. They reach the office door.
Owen: We tried the office here, but it’s locked.
Buffy: (breaks the lock) No it’s not! (goes in)
Owen: Well, I don’t think we’ll find much in here.
Buffy: (looks around) That’s the plan.
Owen: Okay. (confused) What?
Buffy: (finished looking) I have to go now. (laughs nervously) Um, to the bathroom, I have to go to the bathroom. If you hear anything, like a security guard or something, just be really quiet. (to Willow and Xander) And barricade the door.
She goes out into the hall again and looks around on her way back to the morgue. Xander closes the office door.
Cut to the morgue. Buffy and Giles start looking through the body drawers hoping to find the Anointed One.
Buffy: (opens one) Ewww, parts!
Giles: Keep looking, he must be here somewhere.
Cut to the office. Willow and Xander start to pile furniture in front of the office door.
Owen: What are you guys doing?
Willow: Uh, just in case!
Owen sees a curtain and draws it open. Behind the window he sees a body covered with a sheet.
Owen: Oh, my!
Willow and Xander turn around to look.
Cut to the morgue. Buffy and Giles are still looking. There’s only one storage cell left. Giles opens it quickly and Buffy pulls out the drawer. It’s empty.
Buffy: Nothing.
Giles: The Anointed must be gone.
Buffy: I guess. I mean, this is where they keep all the dead bodies, right?
Giles: Mm-hmm.
Cut to the office. Owen is looking at the body with fascination. Willow and Xander look worried.
Owen: I read a lot about death, but... but I’ve... never really seen a dead body before.
The body’s hand moves.
Owen: Do they... usually move?
The hand moves again. Willow and Xander approach to have a closer look. The hand reaches up and pulls the sheet off. Andrew sits up and faces them. He is a vampire now. He stands up, looks down at himself and flexes his hands. He looks back up at them.
Andrew: I have been judged!
~~~~ Commercial break ~~~~
The mortuary office.
Owen: What’s goin’ on?
They back away from the window slowly. Andrew approaches the window and smashes it with his forehead. Cut to the morgue. Buffy and Giles hear the window being smashed.
Buffy: Oh, no!
She starts running to the office. Cut to the office.
Andrew: (laughs) He is risen in me! He fills my head with song!
Owen, Willow and Xander frantically begin moving the furniture away from the door. Andrew steps through the opening.
Andrew: Pork and beans. Pork and beans!
Xander: (to Willow) Gimme that!
Andrew: I can smell you. They get the furniture moved. Willow opens the door and they run out. Andrew follows at a quick pace.
Andrew: You’re the chaff, unblessed. I’ll suck the blood from your hearts, he says I may!
Cut to the hall. Buffy meets them running down the hall.
Xander: He’s in there!
Buffy: Uh, go! Get out!
Xander: She’ll be okay. C’mon!
They continue running. Buffy tries to find Andrew. She can hear him singing as he comes down the hall toward her.
Andrew: Shall we gather at the river? The beautiful, the beautiful river?
She decides to try to head him off another way. Xander, Willow and Owen find the exit, but are blocked by the brethren. Willow screams. Xander pulls her around and behind himself. Instead of attacking, the brethren close the gates. The hall is empty, but they can hear Andrew singing.
Willow: I think he’s coming this way!
They run and find themselves at the same dead end as when they first got there.
Owen: Oh, God, this is too much!
Cut to the morgue. Giles is still there. Buffy rushes in.
Buffy: What’ve you got?
Giles: What?
Buffy: What’d you bring? Do you have a stake?
Giles: Oh, uh... (hands her a stake.)
Buffy: Thank you! (starts back out the door)
Giles: W-what should I do?
Buffy: (faces Giles) Um, go outside and make sure the others are okay.
Andrew comes up behind Buffy, grabs her and throws her into a cabinet. She hits the floor unconscious. Giles rushes to her aid.
Giles: Buffy!
Cut to the hall.
Owen: Somebody’s gotta help Buffy!
Willow: Owen!
Owen starts to run to the morgue. Willow and Xander follow. Cut to the morgue. Buffy is awake again, but still on the floor. Andrew approaches Giles.
Andrew: They told me about you while I was sleeping.
Giles holds up his cross. It is painful to Andrew.
Andrew: Uh! Why does he hurt me?
He slaps Giles’ hand away, and the cross goes flying. He grabs Giles and throws him into the crematory controls. The fires in the chamber light. Giles falls unconscious. Andrew bends down to pick Buffy up. Owen comes running in.
Owen: Buffy!
Andrew raises her above his head.
Owen: No!
He grabs a tray and swings it into Andrew’s back, stunning him. His knees buckle and he lets go of Buffy. She staggers into an open body drawer door and falls down unconscious. Andrew turns, grabs Owen by the neck and growls as he moves in to bite. Owen grabs an urn from a rack and smashes it over Andrew’s head. He falls. Owen goes over to help Buffy. She wakes up again and tries to get up.
Owen: Did you see that? He tried to bite me! (helps Buffy up) What a sissy!
Andrew gets back up, grabs Owen and smashes a body drawer door into the back of his head, knocking him out.
Buffy: No!
Andrew: Dead! (lets Owen fall) He was found wanting!
Buffy gets him solidly in the gut with a front snap kick. He rolls over the autopsy gurney and onto the floor. She runs around to the far end of the gurney. Andrew quickly gets up. She pushes the gurney into his gut, and then pushes down on her end so it pivots up to hit him in the chin. He staggers back and falls. She jumps up onto the gurney and does a roundoff onto the floor as he gets up. He swings widely at Buffy’s face, but she blocks it. He tries again with his other arm, hitting Buffy solidly in the face and knocking her to the ground. He taunts her as she quickly gets up.
Buffy: You killed my date!
Willow and Xander appear at the door. Willow sees Owen wake up as Buffy and Andrew fight.
Willow: Buffy! Owen’s...
Xander: (pulls Willow back) J-just give her a sec!
Buffy blocks another punch, and then hits Andrew in the face with an open-hand punch. Blocking a second punch from him, she hits him in the gut with another open-hand punch. As he leans forward from the pain, she knees him in the gut, and then shoves him backward into a counter.
Buffy: You killed my date!
Giles regains consciousness. Andrew turns back to Buffy.
Andrew: Your turn!
He lunges at Buffy, but she sidesteps him and uses his forward momentum to launch him into the air. He lands on the gurney, and it rolls over to the crematory. The gurney stops when it hits, but Andrew continues to slide through the open door. Giles kicks the gurney away and slams the crematory door shut. Andrew screams. Buffy watches him burn through the small window. Then she notices Owen trying to sit up.
Owen: Does anyone have an aspirin? Or sixty?
Buffy: (goes to Owen) Owen! (crouches beside him)
Owen: What happened to that guy?
Buffy: Oh... We scared him away.
Owen: Oh, good. ‘Cause, y’know, I would’ve...
Buffy: I know. Here... (helps him up) I’m sure this isn’t exactly what you had in mind for our first date.
Owen: (rubs his head) Yeah! I was hoping maybe we’d finish at Ben & Jerry’s.
Buffy: We still could...
Owen: No, I, I, I think I’ll just walk home. (starts to go, but stops) Uh, which way’s home?
Buffy: I’ll get you there.
Owen: No, I’ll, I’ll go it alone.
Willow and Xander come over.
Xander: We’ll make sure he gets home safely.
They lead Owen away. Buffy watches them go. Giles comes over behind her.
Giles: Buffy, if I might, uh...
Buffy: (cuts him off) Don’t! (slowly walks out)
Cut to the school. Buffy, Xander and Willow are walking along the balcony.
Buffy: Well, did Owen say anything about me on the way home?
Willow: Oh, you mean specifically about you?
Buffy: Or generally... i-in the area, in the ballpark, any sort of indication?
They round the corner and start down the stairs.
Xander: Well, in that case, no.
Willow: But he was pretty incoherent, so we might’ve missed it.
Buffy: You think?
Xander: No.
Buffy: I knew it. I totally blew it last night!
Xander: No, see, what you need is a guy who already knows your deepest, darkest secrets and still says, ‘Hey! I like that girl!’ Someone like...
Buffy: (sees Owen) Owen!
Willow: Well, heh... This is our stop.
She walks around Buffy and drags Xander away with her.
Owen: Hi.
Buffy: Hi. (long awkward pause) This is going well.
Owen: I don’t really know how to say this, but... about last night...
Buffy: You don’t even have to. I’m sure you were pretty freaked out.
Owen: Totally. (Buffy looks down) And... I was wondering when I could see you again.
Buffy: (looks back up) Um, that was my hopeful ear. Could you repeat that?
Owen: I think you’re the coolest!
Buffy: (smiles) Really?
Owen: I mean, last night was incredible! I never thought nearly getting killed would make me feel so... alive!
Buffy: (looks down and starts to walk) So that’s why you wanna be with me.
Owen: (follows her) Oh, absolutely! When can we do something like that again?
Buffy: Something like...
Owen: Like, walk downtown at three in the morning, a-and pick a fight in a bar. How about tonight?
Buffy: Tonight would... (they stop walking) be... not a workable thing. Did I just say that?
Owen: Tomorrow, then. I-I’m free any night this week.
Buffy: I’m not. Please don’t take this personally. It’s not you, it’s me.
Owen: (begins to get it) Right. It’s you.
Buffy: And I was kinda hoping that... maybe you and I could still be...
Owen: (very disappointed) I, I get it. You just wanna be friends.
Buffy: That’d be nice.
Owen: Friends. Yeah. Great. (leaves)
Lyrics: The world will keep on turning / It’ll all be there come morning / So tonight...
Buffy: Yeah. Great.
Lyrics: Let the sun fall down all around you (song by Kim Richey)
Giles comes up behind her. They watch Owen leave. Buffy notices Giles and looks at him. He’s at a loss. She goes over to sit on a bench. Giles follows her.
Giles: I was ten years old when my father told me I was destined to be a Watcher. (sits next to her) He was one, and his, uh, mother before him, and I was to be next.
Buffy: Were you thrilled beyond all measure?
Giles: No, I had very definite plans about my future. I was going to be a fighter pilot. Or possibly a grocer. Well, uh... My father gave me a very tiresome speech about, uh, responsibility and sacrifice.
Buffy: Sacrifice, huh?
Giles: (looks toward Owen) Seems like a nice lad.
Buffy: Yeah. But he wants to be danger man. You, Xander, Willow, you guys... you guys know the score, you’re careful. Two days in my world and Owen really would get himself killed. Or I’d get him killed. (faces Giles) Or someone else.
Giles: I, I went to the funeral home of my own free will.
Buffy: And I should’ve been there.
Giles: Buffy...
Buffy: I blew it!
Giles: I have volumes of lore, of prophecies, of predictions. But I don’t have an instruction manual. We feel our way as we go along. And, I must say, as a Slayer, you’re, you’re doing... pretty well.
Buffy: (smiles) Well. At least I did stop that prophecy thing from coming true.
Giles: You did! Handily. No more Anointed One. And I would imagine the Master, wherever he is, is having a fairly bad day himself.
He smiles. Buffy laughs back.
Cut to the Master in his Lair.
Master: (quotes scripture) ‘And in this time will come the Anointed. And the Slayer will not know him. She will not stop him, and he will lead her into hell.’ (kneels down next to Collin) Welcome, my friend.
END Credits.
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