~~~~~~~~~~ Disclaimer ~~~~~~~~~~
I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network.
This is a straightforward and dry transcript of the episode “Living Conditions.”
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy and Kathy are in their dorm room. Kathy has an ironing board out and is ironing jeans, Buffy is reading a CD jewel case. Cher's 'Believe' is playing on Kathy's portable stereo.
Buffy: Wow, this music is so... so...
Kathy: I know. This song is super fun. Isn't it?
Buffy: You bet. It just gets fun-er and fun-er every time you play it.
Buffy gets a jacket from her closet.
Kathy: Going out?
Buffy: Yeah. I'm seriously caffeine deprived. Figure I'd head down to The Grotto and get a jolt and, you know, do some studying.
Kathy: Oh. It's late... won't you be up all night?
Buffy: (Picking up her backpack.) Oh, yeah, but it's cool. I'm sort of an 'up' kind of night person. I mentioned that right?
Kathy: I guess I just didn't realize you'd be coming and going at all hours. Well, not that I mind. I'm just surprised.
Buffy: I'll be quiet as a mouse, I promise. Ok. (She starts toward the door.)
Kathy: Oh! Say, Buffy. I wanted to show you this little system I implemented. (She goes over to the nightstand separating the beds and gets a small notepad and a pen, bringing them back.)
Buffy: Oh, goody... system.
Kathy: Just log every call you make in here and that way when the bill comes it won't be a problem. I figure, 'Stitch in time...'
Buffy: '...catches the worm.'
Kathy cheerfully makes a 'You got it' gesture.
Buffy: You bet. Ok, then. (Turns and starts to go.)
Kathy: Also... (Buffy stops and turns back.) I noticed that some of my milk was missing. Did you...
Buffy: Oh! Yeah, actually, I did. I meant to...
Kathy: No! It's totally ok, I was just wondering.
Buffy: Yeah, I-I-I was making my coffee and I just...
Kathy: Buffy, it's fine. I just wanted to make sure...
The song ends and Kathy goes over to the stereo to restart it. She comes back.
Kathy: ..That we didn't have a thief or something.
Buffy: Like who? Sid the Wiley Dairy Gnome?
Kathy: I don't know, it's no big deal. Please, feel free.
Buffy: Ok, I'm really sorry. I have to... (She starts to go, again.)
Kathy: Have a good time.
Buffy: Yeah, you too. With ironing. (She leaves.)
Buffy and Willow are walking along a wooded path at night, there are trees and bushes all over.
Willow: So you had trouble getting past Kathy?
Buffy: Yep. She made big with the questions.
Willow: And you thought your days of sneaking out of your room were over.
Buffy: No such luck. Kathy's nice and all, but she's... she's sort of... I don't know, like, 'mini-mom of Momdonia.' (Willow chuckles) Wait. (Buffy stops, looking around.) Did you just hear something?
Willow: I'm chewing my gum kinda loud.
Buffy: That's not it.
Willow: My sneakers are squeaky.
Buffy: I'm looking for something lurky here, Will.
Willow: Oh. (Pauses to listen) Sorry, no.
They start walking again.
Buffy: Darn, I could use a little play tonight. Listening to the best of VH-1 all day sort of put me on edge.
Willow: Oh, Kathy's still spinnin' the divas?
Buffy: (In a perky-Kathy voice.) "'Cause it's the fun-est!" Well, no big. College is a time of change, right? I bet, before too long, she'll be trip-hoppin' all over the place.
Willow: Yeah! I mean, this whole dorm thing is just an adjustment we need to make. You know? I mean, my roomie is kind of challenging too.
Buffy: And what are we if not women up to a challenge?
Willow: Exactly! I mean, did we not put the 'grr' in girl? Well, here's where I get off. (They stop at a branching path.)
Buffy: Say 'hey' to Oz for me.
Willow: Happy hunting.
Buffy: Wish me monsters.
Willow makes a 'ick' gesture and walks away. Buffy walks on, not noticing a hooded, orange skinned demon with green glowing eyes watching her from the bushes.
[Opening credits]
~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~
Buffy, walking along a path hears a noise.
Buffy: Will? (Pause.) Alright, why don't you quit hiding and come out and face me like a... thing.
Kathy comes running up with a bounce in her step.
Kathy: Hey, I caught you.
Buffy: Is everything ok?
Kathy: Oh, everything's super. I just decided a decaf latte sounded like heaven after all.
Buffy: So you're coming along.
Kathy: Why not? This way you won't have to walk these spooky paths alone. (She goes on ahead with a skip.)
Buffy: Great! (In a low voice) That's just great. (And she follows.)
Kathy: This is neat, isn't it? The fresh air, the trees, the smell of... (Buffy hears the growl of something rushing them and pushes Kathy into the bushes where she lands in the dirt.)
The same demon we saw before runs up and swings a club, Buffy grabs it's arm, breaks it's hold on the club and throws it off balance onto the ground. It gets up and takes two swings, but Buffy blocks them and gives it three quick rights to the face. Kathy, in the bushes, gets to her knees looking dazed. The demon tries a roundhouse punch which Buffy ducks under. She sweeps the demon's legs out from under him and he rolls over his club, grabbing it. Rolling to his feet he runs off. Kathy climbs out of the bushes and Buffy goes to help her.
Kathy: What the blizzard was that all about?
Buffy: Uh, he um... tried to take my backpack.
Kathy: What were you thinking, taking him on like that?
Buffy: Oh I, heh, I don't know, I guess I-I panicked.
Kathy: I mean, it's just you could of gotten hurt or something. (She looks down.) And look at my sweater, it's ruined!
Buffy: Yeah, sorry about that. Here, w-we'll go get you cleaned up.
They walk back the way they came.
In the bushes, a demon watches them go. Another demon comes up beside him. They speak in subtitles, a strangely visual demon language.
Demon1: She may be the one.
Demon2: We have to be sure. Follow her.
Demon1: As you wish.
~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~
Daytime in the courtyard outside Giles' apartment. There's a fountain, a table and chairs. Buffy is going through his mail.
Buffy: Boring... boring... bill... bill...
Giles comes running down the stairs wearing exercise clothes complete with sneakers. He's panting.
Giles: Hello. (Pant)
Buffy: You run?
Giles: And jump. And bend. (Pant) And, occasionally, frolic. (Pant)
Buffy: Ok, and, uh, (She holds up a magazine.) what's with the motorbike and scooter magazine?
Giles: Congratulations, you've found me out. I'm a mod jogger.
Buffy: Ok, you're not having one of those mid-life things, are you? 'Cause I'm still going 'ick' from the last time you tried to recapture your youth.
Giles: Buffy!
Buffy: Sorry. (She sits down at a table.) Demon. Last night. Made with the pummeling, but he got away.
Giles: What sort of demon? (Giles crosses to the fountain and sits on it's outer ledge.)
Buffy: Umm, had a cloak on, and glowing green eyes, and skin had a, like, super-bad fake rub-on tan.
Giles: Translate?
Buffy: Orange-y?
Giles: Thank you. Anything else?
Buffy: My roommate Kathy was there, but she didn't see anything.
Giles: You took your roommate patrolling with you?
Buffy: Well I invited the whole dorm, but she was the only one that could make it. (The look on Giles' face tells Buffy that he didn't get the sarcasm.) I told her I was going for coffee and she decided to tag along.
Giles: Right. Well we should discourage her from that habit. From what you described I-I'm not familiar with the creature, but I-I'll look into it and give you a ring when I've found something. (He gets up and starts moving toward his apartment.)
Buffy: You know, it's nice out here.
Giles: (Turning back.) Yes, I take my tea out here sometimes. (He starts to go again.)
Buffy: What are you doing today?
Giles: (He turns back again.) Uh, it's a good day for me, actually. A friend of mine recently acquired a-uh an original Gutenberg demonography... and it suddenly occurred to me that you've never once asked me what my day's plans were, which leads me to inquire whether you're feeling entirely yourself.
Buffy: That's not true. I ask about you all the time. (He gives her a look.) Ok, well, maybe the words don't actually make it out of my mouth, but I think about it.
Giles: And it's appreciated. Which doesn't explain why you're hanging around here instead of rushing off as usual.
Buffy: It's no big. I just figured I'd hang here--you know--until my roommate goes to class.
Giles: Ah, I see. (He sits back down on the fountain.)
Buffy: I know, it's probably just me having a bitch attack. But it's not... me.
Giles: Buffy, living with somebody is never easy. Especially for an only child...
Buffy: Giles, listen to me, ok? When she sharpens her pencils she measures them with a ruler to make sure they're all the same size.
Giles: Which is fussy, I agree, but everybody has their idiosyncrasies. You'd do well to learn to tolerate them.
Buffy: Or I'll end up an old lady who can only live with cats?
Giles: Something like that.
Buffy: Ok. You know what? You're right. (She stands up.) Take a mental pic, this is the new Buffy. Kinder, gentler... roommate extraordinaire.
In the dorm room, Kathy is trying, without much luck, to get the stain out of her sweater. She looks down and sees that one corner of a throw rug is turned up and leans down to straighten it. She gives up on the sweater and looks over at Buffy's closet door. She gets up, walks over, unlatches the bolt holding it closed and opens the door. She picks out a sweater and while looking at it notices a satchel with part of a crossbow sticking out. She opens the satchel and takes out a really cool looking pistol grip crossbow and a wooden cross. She pauses for a moment, holding them, then puts them back.
At the university dining hall called the Rocket Cafe, Buffy gets a tray and starts back to the end of the line. She notices Kathy and quickly brings the tray up to hide her face. She ducks into the line in front of a male student. The young man takes a quick peek behind him and turns back to Buffy.
Parker: Ex-boyfriend? Or loan shark?
Buffy: (Turns around to face him.) Excuse me?
Parker: The person you're hiding from.
Buffy: Oh... both. Ugly breakup. I'm sorry, I just cut you...
Parker: No, stay... stay. I'll watch your back. (They get to the self-serve area and start getting their food.) Freshman, huh?
Buffy: Is it that obvious?
Parker: There are signs. (He gets a single-serving box of cereal and stuffs it into the breast pocket of his shirt.) For instance, people who've been around for awhile know how to use their dining hall card.
Buffy: It's not for food?
Parker: Work it right and you can get three meals worth, which equals fewer punch cards used annually.
Buffy: And more cash from dad which you get to keep for yourself.
Parker: Right! The goal is to polish off as much as humanly possible at one sitting. Enough to get you through the rest of the day, if necessary. While chipmunking items for future consumption.
Buffy: Ahh, got it.
Parker: Excess dry goods fit nicely in a backpack or your pocket. (He takes something and puts it into his pants pocket.) The wetter items--macaronies, your turkey loaf--then you're into ziplocks. It's not for beginners.
Buffy: I'll just take it slow.
They reach the cashier and hand over their cards for punching. Buffy looks over and sees Willow, Xander and Oz seated at a table, Willow sees her and waves for her to come over.
Parker: So.
Buffy: So, those are my... (He sees the gang at the table.) are you...
Parker: Oh, no, I have someone waiting. Otherwise I'd... heh, uh, Parker Abrams. (He offers his hand which Buffy shakes.) I'm at Kresge hall.
Buffy: Buffy Summers, Stevenson.
Parker: Ok, well, I'll see you around Buffy Summers of Stevenson.
Buffy: See ya, Parker Abrams.
Buffy goes over to the gang's table and sits.
Xander: Hey, say hi to non-college guy.
Buffy: Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys usually populate the non-campus?
Xander: Usually. I just thought I'd come around and check on my girls. (He taps Oz to include him without insult.)
Willow: And eat off my plate.
Buffy: What's the deal Xand, parents not feeding you?
Xander: Sure they do, for a price.
Willow: So, spill! (She indicates Parker, seated across the room.) What was that all about, with the cutie patootie?
Buffy: I don't know... nothing big, I think. Just random adorableness.
Xander: Oh, a technique I know well. Hit the girl with your best shot, then hasta.
Oz: Gotta respect the drive-by.
Xander: Low rejection, fond memories.
Willow: It looked like more than that to me. He got all googly-eyed.
Xander: That's because he got hit by the Buffinator. Now he's powerless.
Buffy: You think?
Oz: No question, he'll be back. (Buffy smiles.)
Xander: So, what else is up with the Buff, any vamp action?
Buffy: I did get jumped by a demon of non-specific origin last night.
Xander: Yeah? Something apocalypse-y? Do we need to assemble the scooby gang?
Buffy: (Holding back a laugh.) No, but thank you for asking.
Xander: I just got way too excited, didn't I?
Buffy: You just need to get out of the basement a little more there, Xand.
Kathy comes up and sets her tray on the table.
Kathy: Hi, everybody. (She gets a chair from another table and moves it over.) Squeeze in.
Buffy: You all know my roomie, Kathy?
Willow: Hi.
Oz: Hey, Kath.
Buffy: Is that my sweater?
Kathy: I didn't think you'd mind, I mean you got mine all muddy.
Buffy: I was saving you from a...
Willow: Bear!
Buffy: (Giving Willow a look.) Mugger.
Kathy: It's not a problem, is it? I mean, I figured we're almost like sisters now, living together and everything.
Buffy: No, it's... it's fine. I just wished you'd asked.
Xander: So, where're you from, Kathy?
Kathy: Nebraska, originally. (She picks up a big, sloppy hamburger from her tray.)
Xander: Ahh, yes. Big sky country.
Kathy bites into her sandwich. Buffy's senses intensify, focusing in on a blob of ketchup oozing out of the hamburger. She watches it as it drops onto her sweater. Buffy's eyes narrow.
That night in the dorm, Buffy is talking to Willow on the phone. The window at the head of her bed is open.
Buffy: I mean, can you beleive her? First she acts like she has sit privileges at my lunch table just because some computer had to make us cellmates. (She puts a stick of gum in her mouth.)
Willow: I'm sure it's not easy for her. She's not like you, she doesn't know anybody here.
Buffy: Fine. But what about my sweater. You can't believe the stuff that I have to put up with.
Willow's dorm room. There's a loud party going on. Willows on her bed with the phone.
Willow: Yeah, I guess it's hard... uh... but I'm sure the sweater thing was an accident. (A nerf football hits her in the head.)
Buffy: I don't know Will... I think she's just coming back from the bathroom. I'll call you back.
Kathy: (Coming into the room.) Don't forget to log those calls. (She sits on her bed and starts flossing her teeth.)
Buffy takes an apple out of her backpack and takes it over to the mini-refrigerator. While she's up, Kathy gets up and closes the window. Buffy opens the fridge and sees that Kathy has almost completely filled it, labeling everything with her name. Even writing 'Kathy' on each of a dozen boiled eggs. Buffy squeezes the apple into the last remaining space on the door, closes it and turns around to see the window is now closed. She goes over and opens it again and sits back down on her bed. Kathy finishes flossing and picks up a paperback book from the nightstand. There is gum stuck to it and it stretches up from the table.
Kathy: Ewww! Who left their gum here?
Buffy: (Pause.) Gum gnome?
Kathy: It wasn't me! It had to be somebody, Buffy!
Buffy: (Swallows the gum she had been chewing.) I don't know.
Kathy slams the book down and turns off the light near her bed. Buffy turns off her own light, lays down pulling the covers over her and falls asleep. She dreams of a demon very much like the one she fought, holding her down, poring blood in her mouth, putting a scorpion on her bare skin and drawing a light, gossamer substance out of Buffy's mouth and into it's own. She awakes with a start. Kathy is looking at her from her own bed.
Kathy: Do you always make that noise when you sleep?
~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~
Daytime and Buffy, Giles, Willow and Oz are seated in comfortable, padded chairs in an open area lounge.
Buffy: So then after the scorpion, the demon opened my mouth and sucked some kind of weird light out of me. A-and the worst part? I wake up and there's Kathy, staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.
Oz: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon poring the blood down your throat.
Willow: Me too, I would vote for that too.
Buffy: But that's just a dream, and this Kathy thing is real. All she cared about was that her precious sleep had been disturbed.
Kathy comes up behind Giles.
Giles: Perhaps it would be more productive to examine your dreams, um, determine there meaning.
Kathy: You can read dreams? Neat.
Buffy: Giles, Kathy. Kathy, Giles.
Willow: He's our grown-up friend. N-not in a creepy way.
Giles: Nice to meet you, Kathy.
Kathy: Ditto. Maybe you could read the dream I had last night? There was, like, this monster, and he sat on me and did all this stuff to me.
Oz: Stuff like, scorpions? And Bloody Mary minus the Mary?
Kathy: That's it! How'd you know?
Oz: Well, I'm a good guesser.
Buffy: Me too, and I'm guessing that you need to be on your way to class. Right, Kath?
Kathy: Hmm hmm, sounds like somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
Buffy: Hmm hmm, and guess what? You were next to it.
Kathy: You know, I do need to dash. My whole schedule is off because someone kept me up all night. Well, it's been fun. Toodles. (She turns and leaves.)
Buffy: Toodles.
Giles: (Clears his throat.) You know what this means...
Buffy: Yes. Not only does she take my sweater, but now she has to horn in on my dreams. She is the most ever mooch... Oh, I haven't even gotten to the floss.
Giles: Buffy, focus, please? If Kathy and you are having the same nightmares, chances are something happened to you both when you met the demon in the woods.
Willow: So we need to figure out if this ritual their dreaming about has some special use, or meaning.
Buffy: (Getting up and gathering her things.) Cool, you guys can do the brain thing. I'm gonna go to class.
Oz: Which could also be construed as the brain thing.
Buffy: Not when you're minoring in 'Napping 101.' (She leaves.)
Willow: Ok, so that was the evil twin, right? 'Cause she was bordering on Cordelia-esque.
Oz: Well, she's definitely pushing the stress meter on this Kathy thing.
Giles: I concur she's not, uh, herself, but, you know, uh, learning to live with someone can be a challenge.
Willow: A-and she hasn't been sleeping.
Giles: Right, then. (He stands.) Nothing to get to concerned about. Still, let me know if she, um...
Oz: Hits the red zone?
Giles: Yes.
Nighttime, in a secluded wooded area Demon2 has a campfire burning. Demon1 walks up. They still speak in subtitles.
Demon1: We were correct. She is the one.
Demon2: Good. I have prepared for the summoning of the great one, Taparrich.
They remove their hoods revealing bald heads, face the fire and begin chanting.
Buffy, returning to the dorm room, stops at the door for a second when she hears Cher's 'Believe' playing again. She goes in and sees Parker half lying on Kathy's bed with Kathy sitting with him, they're talking.
Parker: Lots of popular artists don't get their dues. Madonna? Whitney?
Kathy: That's so totally true.
Buffy: Parker?
Parker: (Getting up and going over to her.) Hey, uh, I just dropped by to say... that. Uh, and bring you... (He hands her a box of plastic baggies.) You know, to maximize your dining hall exports. They're heavy duty.
Buffy: (Reading the box.) Plus freezer guard! That's so...
Kathy gets up and stands close to Parker, looking at him while she talks to Buffy.
Kathy: Parker was just going to leave his number and go, but (laughs) we started talking. He's such a blast, and time just flew.
Buffy: Time, really? How much time?
Parker: Uh, I'm not sure, we sort of got caught up talking Red Wings. It turns out that Kathy's a closet hockey fan. I think it's the violence.
Kathy: (Laughs) Quit it! I told you that was just between us.
Parker: It could be the sweaty men. (Kathy laughs and pushes him.)
Buffy: If you two are going to rassle, do you mind taking it outside? I've got a lot of work to do. (She puts her things down on her bed and turns off the music.)
Parker: Sorry, I didn't realize. (He starts to leave.)
Buffy: Oh, Parker wait. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...
Parker: No, it's totally cool. I should go anyway.
Buffy: Well, it was great of you to stop by, m-maybe we could do it another time?
Parker: Another time for sure. Bye, Kathy. (He gives her a wave.)
Kathy: (Waving back.) Bye, seeya.
Buffy sees him out, closes the door and turns to face Kathy.
Kathy: It wouldn't have killed you to be nice, you know.
Buffy: (Crossing over to her bed, she retrieves something from her bag.) Looked like you were being nice enough for the both of us.
Kathy: (Closing the window.) I wasn't moving in on your territory, if that's what you mean.
Buffy: (Locking the bolt on her closet with a padlock.) Right. Just like you didn't destroy my sweater.
Kathy is flossing again. Buffy opens the window.
Kathy: I'm cold.
Buffy: Well I'm hot. Deal with it.
Kathy: Do you know what your problem is, Buffy.
Buffy: You?
Kathy: Hardly. Your problem is you're spoiled. Maybe the world revolved around you where you used to live, but it's share time now.
Buffy: Share time, huh? Fine! I'll show you share time.
She goes to the fridge and gets out the carton of milk, and drinks it straight from the carton, spilling it all over herself and the floor.
Willows dorm building, She and Oz walk along a hall.
Oz: You're worried about her.
Willow: Yeah, both of them. I mean, what kind of demon runs around putting ookie blood dreams into people's heads. Like some kind of nightmare fairy. It's not right.
Oz: Well, I'm against it.
Willow: And Buffy's completely being not herself. If it wasn't for this English paper I'd be there right now. Um, listening. Doing the girly best friend thing.
They stop at the door to her room.
Oz: Well, I can do that.
Willow: You can?
Oz: Well, I'm not saying we'll braid each others hair--probably--but I can hang with her, watch for signs she's going over the edge.
Willow: You're the best. Oh, she's probably patrolling by now. Check around the science center. If you need me I'll be (She opens the door, hears the sounds of a loud party and closes it again.) at the library. (She goes back the way they came.)
Oz walks along a well lighted walkway. He passes a group of three people, two men and a young woman. He senses something, he looks back and sees that the woman is looking back at him. They look at each other for a few seconds before they both turn back. In the bushes, we see three figures in camouflage carrying weapons. They appear to be following the group that Oz just passed.
Oz is walking with Buffy along a path.
Buffy: ...So then Kathy's like, 'It's share time.' And I'm like, 'Oh yeah? Share this!' (She punches at the air.)
Oz: So, either you hit her, or you did your wacky mime routine for her.
Buffy: Well, I didn't do either, actually. But she deserves it, don't you think?
Oz: Nobody deserves a mime, Buffy.
Buffy: Hmm, Kathy does. She deserves to be locked in an invisible box and blown away by an imaginary wind and... and...
Oz: Forced to wear a binding unitard?
Buffy: Yeah, the itchy kind, it's perfect.
Oz: Just here to help.
Buffy: Which I appreciate. But you've never come on routine patrol with me before, Oz. So, what's the deal?
Oz: Seemed more interesting than homework.
Buffy: As long as it's an elective. I can handle myself alone, you know.
Oz: Not in question.
Buffy: Good. So then, I go into the refrigerator--right?--and the label queen has managed to put...
Oz: Just a, just a thought, Buffy, but do you think all this ranting is scaring away potential demons? (They stop.)
Buffy: You're right. Ooh! She's even affecting my work, now. She's the Titanic. She's a crawling black cancer. (She brings her foot up, around and down onto a bench, breaking it in two.) She's... other really bad things.
Oz: On the plus side you've killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
Buffy: This isn't funny, Oz. Something has to be done. (She walks away looking determined.)
Oz: (Pause) Agreed. (And he follows her.)
Back in her dorm room, Buffy is at her desk, studying. She looks over at Kathy, who is on her bed clipping her toenails. Her senses intensify and she hears every nail being clipped as a loud 'clank' and focuses on every clipping, in slow motion, flying through the air and onto the floor. She starts tapping her pencil on her open book. Kathy looks over and her senses intensify. She hears every tap as a loud 'boom.' She gets up, goes over to her stereo and starts playing Cher's 'Believe' again. Buffy taps harder until she breaks the pencil. She puts on earmuffs and it cuts the volume of the music down... a little. Kathy goes to the fridge and gets out a boiled egg. She takes it to her desk and starts rolling it on the desktop to break the shell. Buffy's senses intensify and she focuses in on the shell, with 'Kathy' written on it, cracking. She watches Kathy peel the broken shell from the egg. She takes off the earmuffs and throws them onto the desk.
Buffy: I'm going to bed. (She gets in her bed, turns out the light and closes her eyes.)
Buffy dreams of the demon again. This time it's painting symbols on her belly before drawing the light, gossamer substance out of her mouth and into it's own. There's a shot of the scorpion on her bare skin again, and she awakens to daylight with a start. Over in her own bed, Kathy moans and opens her eyes suddenly.
Kathy: Oh, jeez.
Later that day, Kathy is talking to Willow in a hallway.
Kathy: I do what I can, but Buffy's difficult. She's secretive, for one thing, she comes in at all hours of the night, she leaves her gum all over the place.
Willow: I-it sounds like things are rough, but don't you want to be talking to Buffy about this?
Buffy enters the hallway at one end and sees Kathy and Willow. She stops.
Kathy: I would, but she is so touchy about all kinds of weird stuff. I mean sometimes I get the feeling that she is not quite normal. You know? (Buffy stare intently at them.)
Willow: Well, normal is relative. Right?
They both look over and see Buffy.
Kathy: Later, ok? (She leaves.)
Buffy comes up beside Willow and turns suddenly.
Buffy: (Accusingly.) Why were you talking to her?
Willow: Buffy, come on, we were only just saying hi.
Kathy: Yeah, that's what she wants you to think.
Willow: Buffy, this has to stop. I mean I-I get it, I have a sucky roomie, too. But you just have to deal.
Buffy: You're right, I've been thinking a lot about this and it's clear to me now.
Willow: Good, that's better.
Buffy: Kathy's evil. I'm an evil fighter. It's simple... I'm gonna have to kill her.
~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~
Willow: You have to kill her? Don't you think you could just switch rooms, or something?
Buffy: Well I would, but it's not just me in danger from Kathy. Look. (She opens the bottom pocket of her bag and takes out a plastic baggie containing toenail clippings.)
Willow: Toenails?
Buffy: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
Willow: Good thinking, 'cause in the middle of the night those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.
Buffy: Don't be ridiculous. The point is I measured them before I fell asleep and again this morning, and they grew. After they were cut! That's a demon thing, she has to be eliminated.
Willow: Of course. I-it makes sense, now. But you better show those bad puppies to Giles before you do anything just to be sure.
Buffy: Absolutely. I don't want to do anything crazy.
Willow: Uh, you hurry on to Giles. I'll hang here and-and keep an eye on Kathy.
Buffy: Great. Good. Thanks, Will. (She leaves.)
Willow goes to a nearby payphone and punches in a number.
Willow: Giles, I-I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little... insane. No, n-not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come to you. Kay?
Buffy opens the door to Giles' apartment. No one is there. She walks into the room calling.
Buffy: Giles? Anybody home? Hello?
A net falls onto her from above. Xander and Oz come running out of the hallway, Giles from another direction. They jump on her, forcing her arms behind her back where Xander loops a ready made slip knot over her wrists.
Buffy: What are you guys doing? This is... this is ridiculous.
Xander: Buffy, this hurts me more than it hurts you.
Buffy: Not yet, but it will.
Xander: Don't say that. (He stops, realizing what she'd just said.) Oh, PLEASE don't say that.
Giles: We're doing this to stop you from making a terrible mistake.
They remove the net and move her over to a wooden bench with a back to it.
Giles: Clearly something is amiss.
Xander ties the other end of the rope to the back of the bench.
Buffy: Yeah, something's amiss here, a 'Miss Kathy Newman.' Giles, ow, Giles look in my bag. (He goes and picks up the bag.) Look in the bottom pocket of my bag. (He opens the pocket.) She has parts that can grow after they're detached. (He takes out the baggie.) She irons her jeans. She's evil. She has to be destroyed.
Giles: (Holding up the baggie.) I fear the demon that Buffy met in the woods has somehow possessed her.
Buffy: Lite FM. Love songs. Nothing but love songs.
Xander: (To Giles) You think?
Giles: Um, you stay and watch her. I-I know a spell that will make the possessing demon reveal itself so that we can fight it, but I-I need to get some supplies from the magic shop. Buffy, I... See you around.
He leaves, taking the baggie.
At the dorm room, there's an insistent knock at the door. Kathy opens it to reveal Willow.
Willow: Can I come in?
Kathy: Sure. (She lets her in, closing the door.) Where's Buffy?
Willow: I don't know, exactly. But I've been thinking, it might be a good idea for you and Buffy to give each other some apart time. In fact, you might want to be, uh, apart before she gets back.
Kathy: What do you mean? I should leave the room? Why should I go?
Willow: I-it's not fair, I know.
Kathy: You bet it's not fair, having to live with someone who's obviously troubled. Someone who so clearly needs to be in a home, not in a dorm.
Willow: I don't know about that. Uh, Buffy's going through something, yes, but...
Kathy: I wouldn't put it past her to drop out, or take off or something. Do something horrible to herself.
Willow: Herself?
Kathy: Or worse. She's capable of it, you know? You can see it in those shifty little eyes of hers. One of these days she might even push somebody too far.
The phone rings and Kathy answers it.
Kathy: Hello? (She holds out the handset.) It's Oz. (Willow takes it.)
Willow: Hi. You did? She's at Giles, uh, ok. (She hangs up, and starts edging back toward the door.) You know, during that really short phone call I realized you are so right. I mean, it's not fair to make you leave your own room. So, you're good. You just stay, right there. Kay? (She bolts from the room.)
Oz and Xander are watching Buffy in Giles' apartment.
Buffy: I can't believe this, after all that we've been through together and you guys won't believe me when I tell you that Kathy is bad.
Xander: We want to, Buff, it's just...
Oz: Shh, don't engage.
She starts struggling against the ropes.
Xander: I don't know if I tightened those ropes enough.
Oz: Then we'd better go over there and check 'em.
Xander: (Laughs until he sees that Oz was serious.) Oh, dear god!
Xander: Avoid the legs. (The start forward.) Avoid the legs.
They lean over her and she brings up her arms, grabs them and knocks their heads together. They both fall to the floor, unconscious. She tosses the rope onto Xander's body.
Buffy: Nope, not tight enough.
The dorm room. Buffy comes through the door and closes it.
Buffy: Kathy.
Kathy's lying on her bed reading her paperback.
Kathy: Buffy.
Buffy: I think we need to talk, don't you?
Kathy gets up and walks over to her.
Kathy: Absolutely. Let's talk.
Buffy kicks up a corner of the throw rug.
Buffy: Oops, look what I did.
Kathy backhands Buffy across the face.
Kathy: Huh, look what I did.
They grab each others heads and start struggling. Kathy's human face comes off in Buffy's hands, revealing her to be a green eyed, orange skinned demon.
Buffy: I knew it!
Kathy rushes her, throwing her back.
~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~
The two demons in the woods are still chanting over the campfire. Suddenly, the ground opens up with a spray of dirt and Taparrich emerges. He is much taller than the other two and wears a different style of robe. He talks in subtitles.
Taparrich: Where is she?
In the dorm room, Kathy forces Buffy down, straddling her with a hand around her throat.
Kathy: Quit it!
Buffy: I knew it! I knew you were one of those demon things.
Kathy: Oh why don't you just stuff it and let me finish my ritual.
Buffy: Ritual?
Cut to the magic shop.
Giles: (Reading from an old book.) 'The ritual of Mok'tagar, a race of trans-dimensional demons, involves the forced ingestion of animal blood while the victim slumbers.' Buffy's nightmares...
Cut to the dorm.
Buffy: ...Were real.
Kathy: I'm sorry, ok? I left my dimension to go to college and they sent these guys after me.
Cut to the magic shop.
Giles: 'But while the Mok'tagar can assume many forms and guises, including human, they can always be recognized by others of their kind due to the lack of a soul.' (He looks at the baggie with Kathy's toenail clippings.)
Kathy: ...So I'm borrowing yours.
Buffy: (In a 'how typical' tone.) Without even asking.
Kathy: Tonight, when they come looking for me, they'll take the one without a soul.
Buffy: Well, thank God I won't have to watch you floss anymore.
Kathy: (Shouts.) And I won't have to live with a slob.
Buffy bites the hand holding her down. Kathy lets up enough for Buffy to get leverage and throw her off. She throws Kathy against the bed and kicks her in the midsection. They both gain their feet and face off... Buffy charges and Kathy throws her over her back onto the bed. Buffy bounces off and kicks Kathy once in the face, once in the side. Kathy throws a punch which Buffy avoids. The slayer throws a punch which the demon blocks. Kathy grabs Buffy's head and throws her across the room and through Buffy's closet door.
Kathy: (Singsong.) It's share time, Buffy.
With a growl, she runs over, grabs Buffy's feet and drags her out of the closet.
Buffy: Fine, let's start with my sweater.
She has her ketchup-ruined sweater in her hands and wraps it around Kathy's neck, tightening it. Kathy grabs the sweater and rips it in two.
Buffy: Oh!
Kathy picks her up and throws her back down onto the floor. When Buffy tries to get up again she gets a kick in the face.
Cut to Giles' apartment. Xander wakes up. His movements wake Oz.
Xander: Oow... why couldn't Giles have shackles like any self respecting bachelor?
Willow comes in.
Willow: Guys, I just saw Kathy and she's acting... Oh my God, are you ok? (She runs over and helps Oz to his feet.)
Oz: Yeah, Buffy's got a pretty good lead on us, though.
Willow: I-I'll call Kathy, tell her to get out of there. (She goes over to the phone and starts punching numbers.)
In the dorm room, Kathy is hitting Buffy across the face with the telephone handset.
Kathy: (Whap) All you had to do was (Whap) write (Whap) down (Whap) your (Whap) calls!
Giles' apartment.
Willow: (Hanging up.) No answer.
Giles: (Rushing in.) Toenails! (He looks at them and shows them the baggie.) Buffy was right. (He gives it to Willow.) Kathy's toenails not only keep growing after they've been cut, they actually regenerate after they've been destroyed.
Willow: (Examining the clippings.) And that's a demon thing?
Giles: Oh, unequivocally yes. So... where is Buffy? (Xander shows him the rope.) Oh dear, we have even less time than I feared. (He hurries into the kitchen and starts gathering up items.) I've looked up all known regenerating demons. Only one species practices the ritual Buffy's been seeing in her sleep. It's used to steal the soul from a human body.
Xander: W-wait, are you saying that Buffy's been doing a Linda Blair on us because Kathy's been sucking her soul?
Giles sets items down on the table.
Giles: I believe so, yes. Excuse me please.
He drags Xander off the chair he'd been sitting on and moves it out of the way.
Willow: So Buffy was right all along. Later on, big remorse.
Giles grabs the book he'd been reading earlier
Giles: Now, I've found a spell that should reverse the soul transfer procedure immediately. (He hands the book over to Willow.) Willow and I will perform it at once.
Oz: Leaving Xander and me to help Buffy in the flesh.
Oz rushes out. Xander hesitates a moment, clearly not wanting to go. Then he follows.
Giles reads from the book held by Willow as he begins lighting candles.
Giles: 'Hear me, elders of the upper reaches... elders of the lower reaches... elders of the dry land... elders of the river flats.'
In the dorm room, Kathy throws Buffy against the demon's desk. Pencils fall to the floor.
Buffy: Ah-hah! (She stomps on the pencils, breaking them.)
Kathy tries a backhand which Buffy blocks. Buffy grabs her head, swings her around, then gives her an uppercut. Kathy is thrown back into her own bookshelves, breaking them and scattering the items stored there. She rushes at Buffy and throws her against the door to the hall. In the hallway, on the outside of their door, we see that the numbers attached to it read two fourteen... until the shock of Buffy hitting the door causes the number two to break it's upper attachment and swing around upside down. A student leans out of his room, just next door.
Student: Do you mind? People are trying to study!
Kathy runs Buffy across the room and into the window on the side of the room. (Not the one they were arguing over earlier meaning their room is in the corner of the building.) It breaks leaving Buffy lying across the sill. Kathy grabs her.
Cut to Giles' apartment.
Giles: 'Ancients I beseech you. The soul, abstracted. Let it revert to it's true seat.'
Cut to the dorm room.
Kathy drags Buffy up off the window sill.
Kathy: The window's open. Happy?
She throws Buffy over her bed and the slayer ends up leaning against her own bed. Kathy jumps on her and tries to force her mouth open.
Kathy: Open up! Let me finish! (She gets Buffy's mouth open.)
Cut to Giles' apartment.
Giles: 'Let it be finished. Let the unnatural vessel be emptied, let the essence be returned to it's original host.'
Cut to dorm room.
Kathy tries to draw out the rest of Buffy's soul, but the reverse happens as Buffy's soul material is returned to her. Kathy drops, spent.
Kathy: How did you do...
With a flash of light, what looks like vortex briefly appears, to be followed by Taparrich who materializes inside the room. He and Kathy start talking in subtitles.
Taparrich: There you are. Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in young lady?
Kathy: I'm not going back!
Taparrich: Don't take that tone with me.
Kathy: I'm 3000 years old! When are you going to stop treating me like I'm 900?
Oz and Xander burst through the door and Taparrich turns on them with a roar... they scoot back, but stay in the room. The demon turns back to Kathy.
Taparrich: Enough. You're coming home.
He waves his arm and a vortex forms in the floor. Buffy sees it and quickly crawls around to the other side of the bed. Kathy screams as she's sucked in. Taparrich steps forward and enters the vortex too, it seals leaving the floor unblemished. Buffy, Oz and Xander stare at each other, speechless.
Daytime, the dorm room. Willow is moving in, her stuff in boxes around the room. She's hanging up a 'Dingoes Ate My Baby' poster. Buffy has just finished eating half of a sandwich, the other half on a saucer in her hand.
Willow: How's that?
Buffy: Uh-uh, a little to the left... there. Perfect. I'm so glad you're here Will. (She sets the other half of her sandwich on the dresser.) I can already feel all that bad-Kathy-karma just draining away.
She starts moving boxes and books around, straightening up.
Willow: About that--The Kathy thing?--I'm sorry I doubted you.
Willow moves things from a box into one of the drawers in the dresser.
Buffy: You're completely forgiven. I mean, you had reason to doubt. Except for the soul sucking thing I bet Kathy was pretty regular, as far as roomies go.
Willow: That's a pretty big 'except.'
Buffy: I guess. I'm just glad that it was Kathy's demon-y ways making me no-fun Buffy. I've always thought I was pretty easy going -- you know? -- it's not like I have the big issues. You know, burn incense, or...
Willow: (Picking up the half-sandwich.) You going to finish this?
She bites into it. Buffy's senses intensify, focusing in on Willow's teeth as she bites the sandwich. Her eyes narrow.
END Credits.
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