ANNIE HALL

written by Woody Allen & Marshall Brickman

(Sound and Woody Allen monologue begin)

FADE IN:

White credits dissolve in and out on black screen.  No sound.

                                                        FADE OUT: credits

FADE IN:

Abrupt medium close-up of Alvy Singer doing a comedy monologue.  He

wearing a crumbled sports jacket and tieless shirt; the background is stark.

                                ALVY         

                    There's an old joke.  Uh, two elderly 

                    women are at a Catskills mountain 

                    resort, and one of 'em says: "Boy, the 

                    food at this place is really terrible." 

                    The other one says, "Yeah, I know, and 

                    such ... small portions." Well, that's 

                    essentially how I feel about life.  Full 

                    of loneliness and misery and suffering 

                    and unhappiness, and it's all over much 

                    too quickly.  The-the other important 

                    joke for me is one that's, uh, usually 

                    attributed to Groucho Marx, but I think 

                    it appears originally in Freud's wit and 

                    its relation to the unconscious.  And it 

                    goes like this-I'm paraphrasing: Uh ... 

                    "I would never wanna belong to any club 

                    that would have someone like me for a 

                    member." That's the key joke of my adult 

                    life in terms of my relationships with 

                    women.  Tsch, you know, lately the 

                    strangest things have been going 

                    through my mind, 'cause I turned forty, 

                    tsch, and I guess I'm going through a 

                    life crisis or something, I don't know. 

                    I, uh ... and I'm not worried about aging.  

                    I'm not one o' those characters, you know. 

                    Although I'm balding slightly on top, that's 

                    about the worst you can say about me.  I, 

                    uh, I think I'm gonna get better as I get 

                    older, you know?  I think I'm gonna be the-

                    the balding virile type, you know, as 

                    opposed to say the, uh, distinguished 

                    gray, for instance, you know?  'Less I'm 

                    neither o' those two. Unless I'm one o' 

                    those guys with saliva dribbling out of 

                    his mouth who wanders into a cafeteria 

                    with a shopping bag screaming about 

                    socialism. 

                            (Sighing) 

                    Annie and I broke up and I-I still can't 

                    get my mind around that.  You know, I-I 

                    keep sifting the pieces of the relationship 

                    through my mind and-and examining my life 

                    and tryin' to figure out where did the 

                    screw-up come, you know, and a year ago we 

                    were... tsch, in love.  You know, and-and-and 

                    ... And it's funny, I'm not-I'm not a 

                    morose type.  I'm not a depressive character.  

                    I-I-I, uh, 

                            (Laughing) 

                    you know, I was a reasonably happy kid, 

                    I guess.  I was brought up in Brooklyn 

                    during World War II.

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE-DAY

Alvy as young boy sits on a sofa with his  mother in an old-fashioned, 

cluttered doctor's office.  The doctor stands near the sofa, holding a 

cigarette and listening.

                                MOTHER 

                            (To the doctor) 

                    He's been depressed.  All off a sudden, 

                    he can't do anything.

                                DOCTOR 

                            (Nodding) 

                    Why are you depressed, Alvy?

                                MOTHER 

                            (Nudging Alvy) 

                    Tell Dr. Flicker. 

                            (Young Alvy sits, his head down.  His 

                            mother answers for him) 

                    It's something he read.

                                DOCTOR 

                            (Puffing on his cigarette and 

                            nodding) 

                    Something he read, huh?  

                                ALVY 

                            (His head still down) 

                    The universe is expanding.

                                DOCTOR 

                    The universe is expanding?

                                ALVY 

                            (Looking up at the doctor) 

                    Well, the universe is everything, and if 

                    it's expanding, someday it will break apart 

                    and that would be the end of everything!

Disgusted, his mother looks at him.

                                MOTHER 

                            (shouting) 

                    What is that your business? 

                            (she turns back to the doctor) 

                    He stopped doing his homework.

                                ALVY 

                    What's the point?

                                MOTHER 

                            (Excited, gesturing with her hands) 

                    What has the universe got to do with it?  

                    You're here in Brooklyn!  Brooklyn is not 

                    expanding!

                                DOCTOR 

                            (Heartily, looking down at Alvy) 

                    It won't be expanding for billions of years 

                    yet, Alvy.  And we've gotta try to enjoy 

                    ourselves while we're here.  Uh?

He laughs.

                                                    CUT TO:

Fall shot of house with an amusement-park roller-coaster ride built over it. 

A line of cars move up and then slides with great speed while out the window of the house a band shakes a dust mop.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    My analyst says I exaggerate my childhood 

                    memories, but I swear I was brought up 

                    underneath the roller-

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. HOUSE

Alvy as a child sits at the table eating soup and reading a comic book while his father sits on the sofa reading the paper.  The house shakes with every move of the roller coaster.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    -coaster in the Coney Island section of 

                    Brooklyn.  Maybe that accounts for my 

                    personality, which is a little nervous, I 

                    think.

CUT TO:

Young Alvy at the food-stand concession watching three military men 

representing the Army, the Navy and the Marines arm in arm with a blond woman in a skirted bathing suit.  They all turn and run toward the foreground.  The girl stops before the camera to lean over and throw a kiss.  The sign over the concession reads "Steve's Famous Clam Bar.  Ice Cold Beer," and the roller coaster is moving in full gear in the background.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    You know, I have a hyperactive imagination.  

                    My mind tends to jump around a little, and 

                    have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

                                                    CUT TO:

Full shot of people in bumper cars thoroughly enjoying bumping into each other as Alvy’s father stands in the center of the track directing traffic.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    My father ran the bumper-car concession. 

                            (Alvy as a child moves into the frame 

                            driving a bumper car.  He stops as other 

                            cars bombard him.  His father continues 

                            to direct the traffic) 

                    There-there he is and there I am.  But I-I-I-I 

                    used to get my aggression out through those 

                    cars all the time.

Alvy backs up his car off screen.

INT. SCHOOLROOM - DAY

The camera pans over three austere-looking teachers standing in front of the blackboard.  The chalk writing on the board changes as each teacher lectures. 

While Alvy speaks, one of the male teachers puts an equation on the blackboard. "2 X 10 = 20 " and other arithmetic formulas.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    I remember the staff at our public 

                    school. You know, we had a saying, uh, 

                    that "Those who can't do, teach, and 

                    those who can't teach, teach gym." And 

                    ...uh, h'h, of course, those who couldn't 

                    do anything, I think, were assigned to 

                    our school.  I must say-

                                                    CUT TO:

A female teacher standing in front of an old-fashioned schoolroom.  The 

blackboard behind her reads "Transportation Administration. The camera pans her point of view: a group of young students sitting behind their desks. Alvy as a child sits in a center desk while all around him there is student activity; there is note-passing, ruler-tapping, nose-picking, gumchewing.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    I always felt my schoolmates were idiots.  

                    Melvyn Greenglass, you know, fat little 

                    face, and Henrietta Farrell, just Miss 

                    Perfect all the time.  And-and Ivan 

                    Ackerman, always the wrong answer.  Always. 

Ivan stands up behind his desk.

                                IVAN 

                    Seven and three is nine.

Alvy hits his forehead with his hand.  Another student glances over at him, reacting.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    Even then I knew they were just jerks. 

                            (The camera moves back to the teacher, 

                            who is glaring out at her students) 

                    In nineteen forty-two I had already dis-

As Alvy talks, the camera shows him move from his seat and kiss a young girl. She jumps from her seat in disgust, rubbing her cheek, as Alvy moves back to his seat.

                                1ST GIRL 

                            (Making noises) 

                    Ugh, he kissed me, he kissed me.

                                TEACHER 

                            (Off screen) 

                    That's the second time this month!  Step 

                    up here!

As the teacher, really glaring now, speaks, Alvy rises from his seat and moves over to her.  Angry, she points with her band while the students turn their heads to watch what will happen next.

                                ALVY 

                    What'd I do?

                                TEACHER 

                    Step up here!

                                ALVY 

                    What'd I do?

                                TEACHER 

                    You should be ashamed of yourself.

The students, their heads still turned, look back at Alvy, now an adult, sitting in the last seat of the second row.

                                ALVY (AS ADULT) 

                            (First off screen, then onscreen as 

                            camera moves over to the back of the 

                            classroom) 

                    Why, I was just expressing a healthy sexual 

                    curiosity.

                                TEACHER 

                            (The younger Alvy standing next to her) 

                    Six-year-old boys don't have girls on 

                    their minds.

                                ALVY (AS ADULT) 

                            (Still sitting in the back of 

                            the classroom) 

                    I did. 

The girl the young Alvy kissed turns to the older Alvy, she gestures and speaks.

                                1ST GIRL 

                    For God's sakes, Alvy, even Freud speaks 

                    of a latency period.

                                ALVY (AS ADULT) 

                            (Gesturing) 

                    Well, I never had a latency period.  I 

                    can't help it.

                                TEACHER

                            (With young, Alvy still at her side) 

                    Why couldn't you have been more like Donald? 

                            (The camera pans over to Donald, 

                            sitting up tall in his seat, then 

                            back to the teacher) 

                    Now, there was a model boy!

                                ALVY (AS CHILD) 

                            (Still standing next to the teacher) 

                    Tell the folks where you are today, Donald.

                                DONALD 

                    I run a profitable dress company.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    Right. Sometimes I wonder where my 

                    classmates are today.

The camera shows the full classroom, the students sitting behind their desks, the teacher standing in the front of the room.  One at a time, the young students rise up from their desks and speak.

                                1ST BOY 

                    I'm president of the Pinkus Plumbing Company.

                                2ND BOY 

                    I sell tallises.

                                3RD BOY 

                    I used to be a heroin addict.  Now I'm a 

                    methadone addict. 

                                2ND GIRL 

                            I'm into leather.

INT. ROOM

Close-up of a TV screen showing Alvy as an adult on a talk show.  He sits next to the show, host, Dick Cavett, a Navy man sits on his right.  Static is heard throughout the dialogue.

                                ALVY 

                    I lost track of most of my old schoolmates, 

                    but I wound up a comedian.  They did not take 

                    me in the Army.  I was, uh ... Interestingly 

                    enough, I was-I was four-P.

Sounds of TV audience laughter and applause are heard.

                                DICK CAVETT 

                    Four-P?

                                ALVY 

                    Yes.  In-in-in-in the event of war, I'm a 

                    hostage.

More audience laughter joined by Dick Cavett and the naval officer.

INT. THE HOUSE WHERE ALVY GREW UP

Alvy's  mother sits at the old-fashioned dining-room table peeling carrots and talking as she looks off screen.

                                MOTHER 

                    You always only saw the worst in people.  

                    You never could get along with anyone at 

                    school.  You were always outta step with the 

                    world.  Even when you got famous, you still 

                    distrusted the world.'

EXT. MANHATTAN STREET-DAY

A pretty Manhattan street with sidewalk trees, brownstones, a school; people mill about, some strolling and carrying bundles, others buried.  The screen shows the whole length of the sidewalk, a street, and part of the sidewalk beyond. As the following scene ensues, two pedestrians, indistinguishable in the distance, come closer and closer toward the camera, recognizable, finally, as Alvy and his best friend, Rob, deep in conversation. They eventually move past the camera and off screen. Traffic noise is heard in the background.

                                ALVY 

                    I distinctly heard it. He muttered under 

                    his breath, "Jew." 

                                ROB 

                    You're crazy!

                                ALVY 

                    No, I'm not. We were walking off the 

                    tennis court, and you know, he was there 

                    and me and his wife, and he looked at her 

                    and then they both looked at me, and under 

                    his breath he said, "Jew."

                                ROB 

                    Alvy, you're a total paranoid.

                                ALVY 

                    Wh- How am I a paran-? Well, I pick up on 

                    those kind o' things. You know, I was 

                    having lunch with some guys from NBC, so 

                    I said... uh, "Did you eat yet or what?" 

                    and Tom Christie said, "No, didchoo?" 

                    Not, did you, didchoo eat? Jew? No, not 

                    did you eat, but Jew eat? Jew. You get it?  

                    Jew eat?

                                ROB 

                    Ah, Max, you, uh ...

                                ALVY 

                    Stop calling me Max.

                                ROB 

                    Why, Max? It's a good name for you. Max, 

                    you see conspiracies in everything.

                                ALVY 

                    No, I don't!  You know, I was in a record 

                    store.  Listen to this -so I know there's 

                    this big tall blond crew-cutted guy and 

                    he's lookin' at me in a funny way and 

                    smiling and he's saying, "Yes, we have a 

                    sale this week on Wagner." Wagner, Max, 

                    Wagner-so I know what he's really tryin' 

                    to tell me very significantly Wagner. 

                                ROB 

                    Right, Max.  California, Max.

                                ALVY 

                    Ah.

                                ROB 

                    Let's get the hell outta this crazy city.

                                ALVY 

                    Forget it, Max.

                                ROB 

                    -we move to sunny L.A. All of show business 

                    is out there, Max.

                                ALVY

                    No, I cannot.  You keep bringing it up, but 

                    I don't wanna live in a city where the only 

                    cultural advantage is that you can make a 

                    right turn on a red light.

                                ROB

                            (Checking his watch) 

                    Right, Max, forget it.  Aren't you gonna be 

                    late for meeting Annie?

                                ALVY 

                    I'm gonna meet her in front of the Beekman.  

                    I think I have a few minutes left.  Right?

EXT. BEEKMAN THEATER-DAY

Alvy stands in front of glass doors of theater, the ticket taker behind him just inside the glass doors. The sounds of city traffic, car horns honking, can be heard while he looks around waiting for, Annie. A man in a black leather jacket, walking past the theater, stops in front of, Alvy. He looks at him, then moves away. He stops a few steps farther and turns around to look at Alvy again. Alvy looks away, then back at the man. The man continues to stare. Alvy scratches his head, looking for Annie and trying not to notice the man. The man, still staring, walks back to Alvy.

                                1ST MAN 

                    Hey, you on television?

                                ALVY 

                            (Nodding his head) 

                    No. Yeah, once in a while. You know, 

                    like occasionally.

                                1ST MAN 

                    What's your name?

                                ALVY 

                            (Clearing his throat) 

                    You wouldn't know it. It doesn't matter.  

                    What's the difference?

                                1ST MAN 

                    You were on ... uh, the ... uh, the Johnny 

                    Carson, right?  

                                ALVY 

                    Once in a while, you know.  I mean, you 

                    know, every now-

                                1ST MAN 

                    What's your name?

Alvy  is getting more and more uneasy as the man talks; more and more people move through the doors of the theater.

                                ALVY 

                            (Nervously) 

                    I'm ... I'm, uh, I'm Robert Redford. 

                                1ST MAN 

                            (Laughing) 

                    Come on.

                                ALVY

                    Alvy Singer. It was nice nice ... Thanks 

                    very much ... for everything.

They shake hands and Alvy pats the man's arm. The man in turn looks over his shoulder and motions to another man. All excited now, he points to Alvy and calls out. Alvy looks impatient.

                                1ST MAN 

                    Hey!

                                2ND MAN 

                            (Off screen) 

                    What?

                                1ST MAN 

                    This is Alvy Singer!

                                ALVY 

                    Fellas ... you know-Jesus!  Come on!

                                1ST MAN 

                            (Overlapping, ignoring Alvy) 

                    This guy's on television!  Alvy

                    Singer, right?  Am I right?

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping 1st man) 

                    Gimme a break, will yuh, gimme a break.

                    Jesus Christ!

                                1ST MAN 

                            (Still ignoring Alvy's protestations) 

                    This guy's on television.

                                ALVY 

                    I need a large polo mallet!

                                2ND MAN 

                            (Moving into the screen) 

                    Who's on television?

                                1ST MAN

                    This guy, on the Johnny Carson show.

                                ALVY 

                            (Annoyed) 

                    Fellas, what is this-a meeting o' the 

                    teamsters?  You know.. .

                                2ND MAN 

                            (Also ignoring Alvy) 

                    What program?

                                1ST MAN 

                            (Holding out a matchbook) 

                    Can I have your autograph?

                                ALVY 

                    You don't want my autograph.

                                1ST MAN 

                            (Overlapping, Alvy's speech) 

                    Yeah, I do.  It's for my girl friend.  

                    Make it out to Ralph.

                                ALVY 

                            (Taking the matchbook and pen and 

                            writing) 

                    Your girlfriend's name is Ralph?

                                1ST MAN 

                    It's for my brudder. 

                            (To passersby) 

                    Alvy Singer! Hey! This is Alvy-

                                2ND MAN 

                            (To Alvy, overlapping 1st man's speech) 

                    You really Alvy Singer, the ... the 

                    TV star?

Nodding his head yes, Alvy shoves 2nd man aside and moves to the curb of the sidewalk.  The two men follow, still talking over the traffic noise.

                                1ST MAN 

                    -Singer!

                                2ND MAN 

                    Alvy Singer over here!

A cab moves into the frame and stops by the curb.  Alvy moves over to it about to get in.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping the two men and 

                            stuttering) 

                    I-i-i-i-it's all right, fellas. 

                            (As Alvy opens the cab door, the 

                            two men still behind him, Annie 

                            gets out) 

                    Jesus, what'd you do, come by way of 

                    the Panama Canal?

                                ANNIE 

                            (Overlapping Alvy) 

                    Alright, alright, I'm in a bad mood, okay?  

Annie closes the cab door and she and Alvy move over to the ticket booth of the theater as they continue to talk.

                                ALVY 

                    Bad mood?  I'm standing with the cast of 

                    "The Godfather."

                                ANNIE 

                    You're gonna hafta learn to deal with it.

                                ALVY 

                    Deal!  I'm dealing with two guys named 

                    Cheech!

                                ANNIE 

                    Okay. 

                            (They move into the ticket line, 

                            still talking.  A billboard next to 

                            them reads "INGMAR BERGMAN'S 'FACE 

                            TO FACE ,'LIV ULLMANN") 

                    Please, I have a headache, all right?

                                ALVY 

                    Hey, you are in a bad mood.  You-you-

                    you must be getting your period.

                                ANNIE 

                    I'm not getting my period.  Jesus, every 

                    time anything out of the ordinary happens, 

                    you think that I'm getting my period!

They move over to the ticket counter, people in front of them buying tickets and walking off screen.

                                ALVY 

                            (Gesturing) 

                    A li-little louder.  I think one of them 

                    may have missed it! 

                            (To the ticket clerk) 

                    H'm, has the picture started yet?

                                TICKET CLERK 

                    It started two minutes ago.

                                ALVY 

                            (Hitting his hand on the counter) 

                    That's it! Forget it! I-I can't go in.

                                ANNIE 

                    Two minutes, Alvy.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping Annie)

                    No, I'm sorry, I can't do it.  We-we've 

                    blown it already. I-you know, uh, I-I 

                    can't go in in the middle.

                                ANNIE 

                    In the middle? 

                            (Alvy nods his head yes and let's

                            out an exasperated sigh) 

                    We'll only miss the titles.  They're in 

                    Swedish.

                                ALVY 

                    You wanna get coffee for two hours or 

                    something?  We'll go next-

                                ANNIE 

                    Two hours?  No, u-uh, I'm going in.  

                    I'm going in. 

She moves past the ticket clerk.

                                ALVY 

                            (Waving to Annie) 

                    Go ahead.  Good-bye. 

Annie moves back to Alvy and takes his arm.

                                ANNIE 

                    Look, while we're talking we could be 

                    inside, you know that?

                                ALVY 

                            (Watching people with tickets move 

                            past them) 

                    Hey, can we not stand here and argue in 

                    front of everybody, 'cause I get embarrassed.

                                ANNIE 

                    Alright.  All right, all right, so whatta 

                    you wanna do?

                                ALVY 

                    I don't know now.  You-you wanna go to 

                    another movie? 

                            (Annie nods her head and shrugs 

                            her shoulders disgustedly as Alvy, 

                            gesturing with his band, looks at 

                            her) 

                    So let's go see The Sorrow and the Pity.

                                ANNIE 

                    Oh, come on, we've seen it.  I'm not in 

                    the mood to see a four-hour documentary 

                    on Nazis.

                                ALVY 

                    Well, I'm sorry, I-I can't ... I-I-I've 

                    gotta see a picture exactly from the start 

                    to the finish, 'cause-'cause I'm anal.

                                ANNIE

                            (Laughing now) 

                    H'h, that's a polite word for what you are.

INT. THEATER LOBBY.

A lined-up crowd of ticket holders waiting to get into the theater, Alvy and 

Annie among them.  A bum of indistinct chatter can be heard through the ensuing

scene.

                                MAN IN LINE 

                            (Loudly to his companion right 

                            behind Alvy and Annie) 

We saw the Fellini film last Tuesday. It is not                               one of his best.  It lacks a cohesive structure.  You know, you get the feeling that he's not absolutely sure what it is he wants to say.  'Course, I've always felt he was essentially a-a technical filmmaker. Granted, La Strada was a great film.  Great in its use of negative energy 

                    more than anything else. But that simple 

                    cohesive core ... 

Alvy, reacting to the man's loud monologue, starts to get annoyed, while Annie begins to read her newspaper.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping the man's speech) 

                    I'm-I'm-I'm gonna have a stroke.

                                ANNIE 

                            (Reading) 

                    Well, stop listening to him.

                                MAN IN LINE 

                            (Overlapping Alvy and Annie) 

                    You know, it must need to have had its 

                    leading from one thought to another.  

                    You know what I'm talking about?

                                ALVY 

                            (Sighing) 

                    He's screaming his opinions in my ear.

                                MAN IN LINE 

                    Like all that Juliet of the Spirits or 

                    Satyricon, I found it incredibly ... 

                    indulgent.  You know, he really is.  He's 

                    one of the most indulgent film makers.  He 

                    really is-

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    Key word here is "indulgent."

                                MAN IN LINE 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    -without getting ... well, let's put it 

                    this way ...

                                ALVY 

                            (To Annie, who is still reading, 

                            overlapping the man in line who is 

                            still talking) 

                    What are you depressed about?

                                ANNIE 

                    I missed my therapy.  I overslept.

                                ALVY  

                    How can you possibly oversleep?

                                ANNIE 

                    The alarm clock.

                                ALVY 

                            (Gasping) 

                    You know what a hostile gesture that is 

                    to me?

                                ANNIE 

                    I know-because of our sexual problem, 

                    right?

                                ALVY 

                    Hey, you ... everybody in line at the 

                    New Yorker has to know our rate of 

                    intercourse?

                                MAN IN LINE

                    - It's like Samuel Beckett, you know-

                    I admire the technique but he doesn't ... 

                    he doesn't hit me on a gut level.

                                ALVY 

                            (To Annie) 

                    I'd like to hit this guy on a gut level.

The man in line continues his speech all the while Alvy and Annie talk.

                                ANNIE 

                    Stop it, Alvy!

                                ALVY 

                            (Wringing his hands) 

                    Well, he's spitting on my neck!  You know, 

                    he's spitting on my neck when he talks.

                                MAN IN LINE 

                    And then, the most important thing of all 

                    is a comedian's vision.

                                ANNIE 

                    And you know something else?  You know, 

                    you're so egocentric that if I miss my 

                    therapy you can think of it in terms of 

                    how it affects you!

                                MAN IN LINE 

                            (Lighting a cigarette while he talks) 

                    Gal gun-shy is what it is.

                                ALVY

                            (Reacting again to the man in line) 

                    Probably on their first date, right?

                                MAN IN LINE 

                            (Still going on) 

                    It's a narrow view.

                                ALVY

                    Probably met by answering an ad in the 

                    New York Review of Books.  "Thirtyish 

                    academic wishes to meet woman who's 

                    interested in Mozart, James Joyce and 

                    sodomy." 

                            (He sighs; then to Annie) 

                    Whatta you mean, our sexual problem?

                                ANNIE 

                    Oh!

                                ALVY  

                    I-I-I mean, I'm comparatively normal 

                    for a guy raised in Brooklyn.

                                ANNIE 

                    Okay, I'm very sorry.  My sexual problem!  

                    Okay, my sexual problem!  Huh?

The man in front of them turns to look at them, then looks away.

                                ALVY 

                    I never read that.  That was-that was 

                    Henry James, right?  Novel, uh, the 

                    sequel to Turn of the Screw?  My Sexual ...

                                MAN IN LINE 

                            (Even louder now) 

                    It's the influence of television.  Yeah, 

                    now Marshall McLuhan deals with it in terms 

                    of it being a-a high, uh, high intensity, 

                    you understand?  A hot medium ... as opposed 

                    to a ...

                                ALVY 

                            (More and more aggravated) 

                    What I wouldn't give for a large sock o' 

                    horse manure.

                                MAN IN LINE     

                    ... as opposed to a print ...

Alvy steps forward, waving his hands in frustration, and stands facing the camera.

                                ALVY 

                            (Sighing and addressing the audience) 

                    What do you do when you get stuck in a movie 

                    line with a guy like this behind you?  I mean, 

                    it's just maddening!

The man in line moves toward Alvy.  Both address the audience now.

                                MAN IN LINE 

                    Wait a minute, why can't I give my opinion?  

                    It's a free country!

                                ALVY 

                    I mean, d- He can give you- Do you hafta 

                    give it so loud?  I mean, aren't you ashamed 

                    to pontificate like that?  And-and the funny 

                    part of it is, M-Marshall McLuhan, you don't

                    know anything about Marshall McLuhan's...work!

                                MAN IN LINE 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    Wait a minute!  Really?  Really?  I happen to 

                    teach a class at Columbia called "TV Media 

                    and Culture"!  So I think that my insights 

                    into Mr. McLuhan-well, have a great deal of 

                    validity.

                                ALVY 

                    Oh, do yuh?

                                MAN IN LINE 

                    Yes.

                                ALVY 

                    Well, that's funny, because I happen to 

                    have Mr. McLuhan right here.  So ... so, 

                    here, just let me-I mean, all right.  Come 

                    over here ... a second.

Alvy gestures to the camera which follows him and the man in line to the back of the crowded lobby.  He moves over to a large stand-up movie poster and pulls Marshall McLuban from behind the poster.

                                MAN IN LINE 

                    Oh.

                                ALVY 

                            (To McLuban) 

                    Tell him.

                                MCLUHAN 

                            (To the man in line) 

                    I hear-I heard what you were saying.  

                    You-you know nothing of my work. You 

                    mean my whole fallacy is wrong. How you 

                    ever got to teach a course in anything is 

                    totally amazing.

                                ALVY 

                            (To the camera) 

                    Boy, if life were only like this!

INT. THEATER. A CLOSE-UP OF THE SCREEN SHOWING FACES OF GERMAN SOLDIERS.

Credits appear over the faces of the soldiers.

                           THE SORROW AND THE PITY

                          CINEMA 5 LTD., 1972

                      MARCEL OPHULS, ANDRE HARRIS, 1969

                Chronicle of a French town during the Occupation

                                NARRATOR'S VOICE 

                            (Over credits and soldiers) 

                    June fourteenth, nineteen forty, the 

                    German army occupies Paris.  All over 

                    the country, people are desperate for 

                    every available scrap of news.

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM-NIGHT 

Annie is sitting up in bed reading.

                                ALVY 

                            (Off screen) 

                    Boy, those guys in the French Resistance 

                    were really brave, you know?  Got to listen 

                    to Maurice Chevalier sing so much.

                                ANNIE 

                    M'm, I don't know, sometimes I ask myself 

                    how I'd stand up under torture.

                                ALVY 

                            (Off screen) 

                    You?  You kiddin'? 

                            (He moves into the frame, lying across 

                            the bed to touch, Annie, who makes a 

                            face) 

                    If the Gestapo would take away your 

                    Bloomingdale's charge card, you'd tell 'em 

                    everything.

                                ANNIE 

                    That movie makes me feel guilty.

                                ALVY 

                    Yeah, 'cause it's supposed to.

He starts kissing Annie's arm.  She gets annoyed and continues to read.

                                ANNIE 

                    Alvy, I ...

                                ALVY 

                    What-what-what-what's the matter?

                                ANNIE 

                    I-you know, I don't wanna.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping Annie, reacting) 

                    What-what-I don't ... It's not natural!  

                    We're sleeping in a bed together.  You 

                    know, it's been a long time.

                                ANNIE 

                    I know, well, it's just that-you know, I 

                    mean, I-I-I-I gotta sing tomorrow night, 

                    so I have to rest my voice.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping Annie again) 

                    It's always some kind of an excuse. It's - 

                    You know, you used to think that I was 

                    very sexy. What... When we first started 

                    going out, we had sex constantly... We're -

                    we're probably listed in the Guinness Book 

                    of World Records.

                                ANNIE 

                            (Patting Alvy's band solicitously) 

                    I know. Well, Alvy, it'll pass, it'll 

                    pass, it's just that I'm going through a 

                    phase, that's all.

                                ALVY 

                    M'm.

                                ANNIE 

                    I mean, you've been married before, you 

                    know how things can get.  You were very 

                    hot for Allison at first.

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. BACK STAGE OF AUDITORIUM - NIGHT.

Allison, clipboard in band, walks about the wings, stopping to talk to various people. Musicians, performers and technicians mill about, busy with activity. Allison wears a large "ADLAI" button, as do the people around her. The sounds of a comedian on the stage of the auditorium can be heard, occasionally, interrupted by chatter and applause from the off screen audience. Allison stops to talk to two women; they, too, wear "ADLAI" buttons.

                                ALLISON 

                            (Looking down at the clipboard) 

                    Ma'am, you're on right after this man ... 

                    about twenty minutes, something like that.

                                WOMAN 

                    Oh, thank you.

Alvy moves into the frame behind Allison. He taps her on the shoulder; she turns to face him.

                                ALVY 

                            (Coughing) 

                    Excuse... excuse me, when do I go on?

                                ALLISON 

                            (Looking down at the clipboard) 

                    Who are you?

                                ALVY

                    Alvy... Alvy Singer. I'm a comedian.

                                ALLISON 

                    Oh, comedian. Yes. Oh, uh... you're 

                    on next.

                                ALVY 

                            (Rubbing his hands together 

                            nervously) 

                    What do you mean, next?

                                ALLISON 

                            (Laughing) 

                    Uh... I mean you're on right after 

                    this act.

                                ALVY 

                            (Gesturing) 

                    No, it can't be, because he's a comic.

                                ALLISON 

                    Yes.

                                ALVY 

                    So what are you telling me, you're 

                    putting on two comics in a row?

                                ALLISON 

                    Why not?

                                ALVY  

                    No, I'm sorry, I'm not goin'- I can't 

                    ... I don't wanna go on after that comedian.

                                ALLISON 

                    It's okay.

                                ALVY 

                    No, because they're-they're laughing, so 

                            (He starts laughing nervously) 

                    I-I-I'd rather not.  If you don't mind, 

                    I prefer-

                                ALLISON 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    Will you relax, please? They're gonna 

                    love you, I know.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    I prefer not to, because ... look, 

                    they're laughing at him.  See, so what 

                    are yuh telling me-

They move closer to the stage, looking out from the wings.

                                ALLISON 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    Yes.

                                ALVY 

(Overlapping) 

                    -that I've got to ... ah ... ah ... 

                    They're gonna laugh at him for a couple 

                    minutes, then I gotta go out there, I 

                    gotta ... get laughs, too.  How much can 

                    they laugh? 

                            (Off screen) 

                    They-they they're laughed out.

                                ALLISON 

                            (Off screen) 

                    Do you feel all right?

As Allison and Alvy look out at the stage, the camera cuts to their point of view: a comedian standing at a podium in front of huge waving pictures of Adlai Stevenson.  The audience, laughing and clapping, sits at round tables in clusters around the room.

The camera moves back to Allison and Alvy watching the stage.  Alvy is swinging his hands nervously.

                                COMEDIAN 

                            (Off screen, onstage) 

                    You know ...

Alvy starts looking Allison up and down; people in the background mill about.

                                ALVY 

                            (Above the chatter around him) 

                    Look, what's your-what's your name?

                                COMEDIAN 

                            (Off screen)  

                    ... General Eisenhower is not ...

                                ALLISON 

                            (Looking out at the stage) 

                    Allison.

                                ALVY   

                    Yeah?  Allison what?

                                ALLISON 

                            (Still looking off screen) 

                    Portchnik.

                                COMEDIAN     

                    ... a group from the ...

                                ALVY

                            (Coughing) 

                    Thank you. I-I don't know why they would 

                    have me at this kind of rally 'cause ... 

                            (He clears his throat) 

                    Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political 

                    comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

                                ALVY 

                    I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ... 

                    a woman in the Eisenhower Administration 

                    ... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to 

                    me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I 

                    was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what 

                    Eisenhower has been doing to the country 

                    for the last eight years. 

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.

Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing.  There are books all over the room; a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

                                ALVY  

                    H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with 

                    this, because it-I can't get it off my 

                    mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

                                ALLISON 

                    Well, I'm getting tired of it.  I need 

                    your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room, gesturing with his hands.

                                ALVY 

                    It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.  

                    He drove past the book depository and the 

                    police said conclusively that it was an 

                    exit wound.  So-how is it possible for 

                    Oswald to have fired from two angles at 

                    once?  It doesn't make sense.

                                ALLISON 

                    Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs.  He then snaps his fingers and starts walking again.

                                ALVY 

                    I'll tell you this!  He was not marksman 

                    enough to hit a moving target at that 

                    range.  But ... 

                            (Clears his throat) 

                    if there was a second assassin ... it- 

                    That's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

                                ALLISON 

                    We've been through this.

                                ALVY 

                    If they-they recovered the shells from 

                    that rifle.

                                ALLISON 

                            (Moving back to the bed and 

                            lighting a cigarette) 

                    Okay.  All right, so whatta yuh saying, 

                    now?  That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren 

                    Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

                                ALVY 

                    Well, why not?

                                ALLISON 

                    Yeah, Earl Warren?

                                ALVY 

                            (Moving toward the bed) 

                    Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

                                ALLISON 

                    Lyndon Johnson?

                                ALVY 

                            (Propping one knee on the bed 

                            and gesturing) 

                    L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a 

                    politician.  You know the ethics those 

                    guys have?  It's like-uh, a notch 

                    underneath child molester.

                                ALLISON 

                    Then everybody's in on the conspiracy?

                                ALVY 

                            (Nodding his head) 

                    Tsch.

                                ALLISON 

                    The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar 

                    Hoover and oil companies and the 

                    Pentagon and the men's-room attendant 

                    at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking again.

                                ALVY 

                    I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room 

                    attendant.

                                ALLISON 

                    You're using this conspiracy theory as 

                    an excuse to avoid sex with me.

                                ALVY 

                    Oh, my God! 

                            (Then, to the camera) 

                    She's right!  Why did I turn off Allison 

                    Portchnik?  She was-she was beautiful.  She 

                    was willing.  She was real ... intelligent. 

                            (Sighing) 

                    Is it the old Groucho Marx joke?  That-that 

                    I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that 

                    would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters crawling on the floor.  Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of groceries sit on the counter.  There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator. 

                                ANNIE 

                    Alvy, now don't panic.  Please.

                                ALVY 

                    Look, I told you it was a ... mistake 

                    to ever bring a live thing in the house.

                                ANNIE

                    Stop it!  Don't ... don't do that!  There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor.  Annie, bolding out a wooden paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

                                ALVY 

                    Well, maybe we should just call the police.  

                    Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

                                ANNIE 

                    Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for 

                    God's sake. 

                                ALVY 

                    If they're only babies, then you pick 

                    'em up.

                                ANNIE 

                    Oh, all right.  All right!  It's all 

                    right.  Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail.  Laughing, she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

                                ALVY 

                    Don't give it to me.  Don't!

                                ANNIE 

                            (Hysterically) 

                    Oooh!  Here!  Here!

                                ALVY 

                            (Pointing) 

                    Look!  Look, one crawled behind the 

                    refrigerator.  It'll turn up in our bed 

                    at night. 

                            (They move over to the refrigerator; 

                            Alvy moves as close to the wall as 

                            possible as Annie, covering her mouth 

                            and laughing hysterically, teasingly 

                            dangles a lobster in front of him) 

                    Will you get outta here with that thing?  

                    Jesus!

                                ANNIE 

                            (Laughing, to the lobster) 

                    Get him!

                                ALVY 

                            (Laughing) 

                    Talk to him.  You speak shellfish! 

                            (He moves over to the stove and 

                            takes the lid of a large steamer 

                            filled with boiling water) 

                    Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

                                ANNIE 

                            (Laughing) 

                    I can't!  I can't put him in the pot.  I 

                    can't put a live thing in hot water.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    Gimme!  Gimme!  Let me do it!  What-what's 

                    he think we're gonna do, take him to the 

                    movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

                                ANNIE 

                            (Overlapping Alvy and making sounds) 

                    Oh, God!  Here yuh go!  Oh, good, now 

                    he'll think- 

                            (She screams) 

                    Aaaah!  Okay.

                                ALVY 

                            (Overlapping Annie) 

                    Okay, it's in.  It's definitely in the pot!

                                ANNIE 

                    All right.  All right.  All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster.  Smiling, she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to push it from the wall.

                                ALVY 

                    Annie, there's a big lobster behind 

                    the refrigerator.  I can't get it out.  

                    This thing's heavy.  Maybe if I put a 

                    little dish of butter sauce here with a 

                    nutcracker, it will run out the other 

                    side, you know what I mean?

                                ANNIE 

                            (Overlapping) 

                    Yeah.  I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna 

                    get my camera.

                                ALVY 

                    You know, I-I think ... if I could pry 

                    this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks 

                    'cause they don't have legs.  They don't 

                    run around.

Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle. Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the chandelier.  Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink. Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.

                                ANNIE 

                    Great!  Great! 

                            (Screaming) 

                    Goddammit! 

                            (Screaming) 

                    Ooooh!  These are ... p-p-p-pick this 

                    lobster up.  Hold it, please!

                                ALVY 

                    All right!  All right!  All right!  All 

                    right!  Whatta yuh mean?  Are yuh gonna 

                    take pictures now?

                                ANNIE 

                    It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll 

                    be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!

                                ALVY 

                            (Picking up the lobster Annie 

                            placed on the counter earlier) 

                    All right, here!  Oh, God, it's disgusting!

Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and making a face.

                                ANNIE 

                    Don't be a jerk.  One more, Alvy, please, 

                    one more picture. 

                            (Reluctantly Alvy picks up the 

                            lobster again as Annie takes 

                            another picture) 

                    Oh, oh, good, good!

EXT. OCEAN FRONT-DUSK.

The camera pans Annie and Alvy as they walk along the shore.

                                ALVY 

                    So, so-well, here's what I wanna know.  

                    W-what ... 

                            (He clears his throat) 

                    Am I your first big romance?

                                ANNIE 

                    Oh ... no, no, no, no, uh, uh.  No.

                                ALVY 

                    Well, then, w-who was?

                                ANNIE 

                    Oh, well, let's see, there was Dennis, 

                    from Chippewa Falls High School. 

CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF DENNIS LEANING AGAINST A CAR - NIGHT

Behind him is a movie theater with "MARILYN MONROE, 'MISFITS' " on the marquee. He looks at his watch as the younger Annie, in a beehive hairdo, moves into the frame.  They kiss quickly and look at each other, smiling.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                            (Off screen) 

                    Dennis-right, uh, uh ... local kid 

                    probably, would meetcha in front of the 

                    movie house on Saturday night.

                                ANNIE'S VOICE 

                    Oh, God, you should've seen what I looked 

                    like then.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                            (Off screen, laughing) 

                    Oh, I can imagine.  P-p-probably the 

                    wife of an astronaut.

                                ANNIE'S VOICE 

                    Then there was Jerry, the actor.

                                                        CUT TO:

FLASHBACK OF BRICK-WALLED APARTMENT - NIGHT

The younger, Annie and Jerry lean against the wall. Jerry is running his band down Annie's bare arm. Annie and Alvy walk into the room, observing the younger Annie, in jeans and T-shirt, with Jerry.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                            (Laughing) 

                    Look at you, you-you’re such a clown.

                                ANNIE'S VOICE 

                    I look pretty.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    Well, yeah, you always look pretty, but 

                    that guy with you ...

                                JERRY 

                    Acting is like an exploration of the soul. 

                    I-it's very religious.  Uh, like, uh, a 

                    kind of liberating consciousness.  It's 

                    like a visual poem.

                                ALVY 

                            (Laughing) 

                    Is he kidding with that crap?

                                YOUNGER ANNIE

                            (Laughing) 

                    Oh, right.  Right, yeah, I think I 

                    know exactly what you mean, when you 

                    say "religious."

                                ALVY 

                            (Incredulous, to Annie) 

                    You do?

                                ANNIE 

                            (Still watching) 

                    Oh, come on-I mean, I was still younger.

                                ALVY 

                    Hey, that was last year.

                                JERRY 

                    It's like when I think of dying.  You 

                    know how I would like to die?

                                YOUNGER ANNIE 

                    No, how?

                                JERRY 

                    I'd like to get torn apart by wild animals.

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    Heavy!  Eaten by some squirrels.

                                ANNIE'S VOICE 

                    Hey, listen-I mean, he was a terrific actor, 

                    and look at him, he's neat-looking and he 

                    was emotional ... Y-hey, I don't think you 

                    like emotion too much.

Jerry stops rubbing the younger Annie's arm and slides down to the floor as she raises her foot toward his chest.

                                JERRY 

                    Touch my heart ... with your foot. 

                                ALVY'S VOICE 

                    I-I may throw up!

                                            CUT BACK TO:

EXTERIOR.  BEACH-DUSK

It's now sunset, the water reflecting the last light. The camera moves over the scene. The off screen voices of Alvy and Annie are heard as they walk, the camera always one step ahead of them.

                                ANNIE 

                    He was creepy.

                                ALVY 

                    Yeah, I-I think you're pretty lucky I 

                    came along. 

                                ANNIE 

                            (Laughing) 

                    Oh, really?  Well, la-de-da!

                                ALVY 

                    La-de-da.  If I-if anyone had ever told 

                    me that I would be taking out a girl who 

                    used expressions like "la-de-da" . . .

                                ANNIE 

                    Oh, that's right.  That you really like 

                    those New York girls. 

                                ALVY 

                    Well, no ... not just, not only.

                                ANNIE 

                    Oh, I'd say so.  You married-

                                                    CUT TO:

INT. NEW YORK CITY APARTMENT-NIGHT

A cocktail party is in progress, the rooms crowded with guests as Alvy and Robin make their way through the people.  A waiter, carrying a tray, walks past them.  Alvy reaches out to pick up a glass; Robin reaches over and picks it of the tray first.  There is much low-key chatter in the background.

                                ANNIE 

                            (Off screen) 

                    -two of them.

                                ROBIN 

                    There's Henry Drucker.  He has a chair 

                    in history at Princeton.  Oh, the short 

                    man is Hershel Kaminsky.  He has a chair 

                    in philosophy at Cornell.

                                ALVY 

                    Yeah, two more chairs and they got a 

                    dining-room set.

                                ROBIN 

                    Why are you so hostile?

                                ALVY 

                            (Sighing) 

                    'Cause I wanna watch the Knicks on 

                    television.

                                ROBIN 

                            (Squinting) 

                    Is that Paul Goodman?  No. And be nice 

                    to the host because he's publishing my 

                    book.  Hi, Doug!  Douglas Wyatt.  

                    "A Foul-Rag-and-Bone Shop-of-the-Heart."

They move through the rooms, Robin holding a drink in one hand, her arm draped in Alvy's; the crowd mills around them.

                                ALVY 

                            (Taking Robin's hand) 

                    I'm so tired of spending evenings making 

                    fake insights with people who work for 

                    Dysentery.

                                ROBIN 

                    Commentary.

                                ALVY 

                    Oh, really, I heard that Commentary and 

                    Dissent had merged and formed Dysentery.

                                ROBIN 

                    No jokes-these are friends, okay?

INT. BEDROOM

Alvy sits on the foot of the bed watching the Knicks game on television.

                                TV ANNOUNCER 

                            (Off screen) 

                    Cleveland Cavaliers losing to the New 

                    York Knicks.

Robin enters the room, slamming the door.

                                ROBIN 

                    Here you are.  There's people out there.

                                ALVY 

                    Hey, you wouldn't believe this.  Two 

                    minutes ago, the Knicks are ahead fourteen 

                    points, and now ... 

                            (Clears his throat) 

                    they're ahead two points.

                                ROBIN 

                    Alvy, what is so fascinating about a group 

                    of pituitary cases trying to stuff the 

                    ball through a hoop?

                                ALVY 

                            (Looking at Robin) 

                    What's fascinating is that it's physical.  

                    You know, it's one thing about intellectuals, 

                    they prove that you can be absolutely brilliant 

                    and have no idea what's going on.  But on the 

                    other hand ... 

                            (Clears his throat) 

                    the body doesn't lie, as-as we now know.

Alvy reaches over, pulls Robin down onto the bed.  He kisses her and moves farther up on the bed.

                                ROBIN