"Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Cast (in order of appearance [roughly]):
KING ARTHUR : Graham Chapman
PATSY : Terry Gilliam
GUARD #1 : Michael Palin
GUARD #2 : John Cleese
MORTICIAN : Eric Idle
CUSTOMER : John Cleese
DEAD PERSON : ???
DENNIS : Michael Palin
WOMAN : Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT : John Cleese
VILLAGER #1 : Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 : Michael Palin
SIR BEDEMIR : Terry Jones
WITCH : ???
VILLAGER #3 : John Cleese
NARRATOR: Michael Palin
SIR LAUNCELOT : John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD : Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN : Eric Idle
GOD : ???
FRENCH GUARD : John Cleese
MINSTREL : ???
LEFT HEAD : Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD : Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD : Michael Palin
OLD MAN : Terry Gilliam
HEAD KNIGHT OF NEE : Michael Palin
FATHER : Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT : Terry Jones
GUARD #1 : Eric Idle
GUARD #2 : ???
CONCORDE : Eric Idle
OLD CRONE : ???
ROGER (THE SHRUBBER) : Eric Idle
TIM (THE ENCHANTER): John Cleese
BROTHER MAYNARD: Eric Idle
SECOND BROTHER: Michael Palin
Scene 1
(wind.... clop clop)
ARTHUR: Whoa there!
(clop clop)
GUARD #1
Halt! Who goes there?
ARTHUR
It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1
Pull the other one!
ARTHUR
I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
GUARD #1
What, ridden on a horse?
ARTHUR
Yes!
GUARD #1
You’re using coconuts!
ARTHUR
What?
GUARD #1
You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ‘em together.
ARTHUR
So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through—
GUARD #1
Where’d you get the coconut?
ARTHUR
We found them.
GUARD #1
Found them? In Mercea? The coconut’s tropical!
ARTHUR
What do you mean?
GUARD #1
Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climates in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1
Are you suggesting coconuts are migratory?
ARTHUR
Not at all, they could be carried.
GUARD #1
What — a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR
It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1
It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR
Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1
Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR
Please!
GUARD #1
Am I right?
ARTHUR
I’m not interested!
GUARD #2
It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1
Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that’s my point.
GUARD #2
Oh, yeah, I agree with that...
ARTHUR
Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
GUARD #1
But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #2
Oh, yeah...
GUARD #1
So they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway...
(clop clop)
GUARD #2
Wait a minute — supposing two swallows carried it together?
GUARD #1
No, they’d have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2
Well, simple! They’d just use a standard creeper!
GUARD #1
What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
GUARD #2
Well, why not?
Scene 2
MORTICIAN
Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead! (clang) Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER
Here’s one — nine pence.
DEAD PERSON
I’m not dead!
MORTICIAN
What?
CUSTOMER
Nothing — here’s your nine pence.
DEAD PERSON
I’m not dead!
MORTICIAN
Here — he says he’s not dead!
CUSTOMER
Yes, he is.
DEAD PERSON
I’m not!
MORTICIAN
He isn’t.
CUSTOMER
Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill.
DEAD PERSON
I’m getting better!
CUSTOMER
No, you’re not — you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN
Oh, I can’t take him like that — it’s against regulations.
DEAD PERSON
I don’t want to go in the cart!
CUSTOMER
Oh, don’t be such a baby.
MORTICIAN
I can’t take him...
DEAD PERSON
I feel fine!
CUSTOMER
Oh, do us a favor...
MORTICIAN
I can’t.
CUSTOMER
Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.
MORTICIAN
Naaah, I got to go on to Robinson’s — they’ve lost nine today.
CUSTOMER
Well, when is your next round?
MORTICIAN
Thursday.
DEAD PERSON
I think I’ll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER
You’re not fooling anyone y’know. Look, isn’t there something you can do?
DEAD PERSON
I feel happy... I feel happy! (whop)
CUSTOMER
Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN
Not at all. See you on Thursday.
CUSTOMER
Right.
[clop clop]
MORTICIAN
Who’s that then?
CUSTOMER
I don’t know.
MORTICIAN
Must be a king.
CUSTOMER
Why?
MORTICIAN
He hasn’t got shit all over him.
Scene 3
[clop clop]
ARTHUR
Old woman!
DENNIS
Man!
ARTHUR
Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS
I’m thirty seven.
ARTHUR
What?
DENNIS
I’m thirty seven — I’m not old!
ARTHUR
Well, I can’t just call you `Man’.
DENNISWell, you could say `Dennis’.
ARTHUR
Well, I didn’t know you were called `Dennis.’
DENNIS
Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
ARTHUR
I did say sorry about the `old woman,’ but from the behind you looked—
DENNIS
What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
ARTHUR
Well, I AM king...
DENNIS
Oh king, eh, very nice. An’ how’d you get that, eh? By exploitin’ the workers — by ‘angin’ on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic an’ social differences in our society! If there’s ever going to be any progress—
WOMAN
Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here. Oh — how d’you do?
ARTHUR
How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who’s castle is that?
WOMAN
King of the who?
ARTHUR
The Britons.
WOMAN
Who are the Britons?
ARTHUR
Well, we all are. we’re all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN
I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
DENNIS
You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes—
WOMAN
Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
DENNIS
That’s what it’s all about if only people would—
ARTHUR
Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
WOMAN
No one lives there.
ARTHUR
Then who is your lord?
WOMAN
We don’t have a lord.
ARTHUR
What?
DENNIS
I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
ARTHUR
Yes.
DENNIS
But all the decision of that officer have to be ratified at a special biweekly meeting.
ARTHUR
Yes, I see.
DENNIS
By a simple majority in the case of purely internal affairs,—
ARTHUR
Be quiet!
DENNIS
—but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more—
ARTHUR
Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!
WOMAN
Order, eh — who does he think he is?
ARTHUR
I am your king!
WOMAN
Well, I didn’t vote for you.
ARTHUR
You don’t vote for kings.
WOMAN
Well, ‘ow did you become king then?
ARTHUR
The Lady of the Lake, (angels sing) her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water signifying by Divine Providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!
DENNIS
Listen — strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR
Be quiet!
DENNIS
Well you can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ‘cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
ARTHUR
Shut up!
DENNIS
I mean, if I went around sayin’ I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me they’d put me away!
ARTHUR
Shut up! Will you shut up!
DENNIS
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.
ARTHUR
Shut up!
DENNIS
Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! HELP! HELP! I’m being repressed!
ARTHUR
Bloody peasant!
DENNIS
Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That’s what I’m on about — did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn’t you?
Scene 4
(battle sounds)
(Black Knight defeats a worthless-piece-of-shit-knight)
ARTHUR
You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight. I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
(pause) I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot. (pause) You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me? (pause) You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.
ARTHUR
What?
BLACK KNIGHT
None shall pass.
ARTHUR
I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT
Then you shall die.
ARTHUR
I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
BLACK KNIGHT
I move for no man.
ARTHUR
So be it! Hah!
(parry thrust)
(ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT’s left arm off)
ARTHUR
Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
BLACK KNIGHT
‘Tis but a scratch.
ARTHUR
A scratch? Your arm’s off!
BLACK KNIGHT
No, it isn’t.
ARTHUR
Well, what’s that then?
BLACK KNIGHT
I’ve had worse.
ARTHUR
You liar!
BLACK KNIGHT
Come on you pansy!
(hah)
(parry thrust)
(ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT’s right arm off)
ARTHUR
Victory is mine! (kneeling) We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc - (Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying)
BLACK KNIGHT
Come on then.
ARTHUR
What?
BLACK KNIGHT
Have at you!
ARTHUR
You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT
Oh, had enough, eh?
ARTHUR
Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left.
BLACK KNIGHT
Yes I have.
ARTHUR
Look!
BLACK KNIGHT
Just a flesh wound.
(Headbutts Arthur in the chest)
ARTHUR
Look, stop that.
BLACK KNIGHT
Chicken! Chicken!
ARTHUR
Look, I’ll have your leg. Right!
(whop)
BLACK KNIGHT
Right, I’ll do you for that!
ARTHUR
You’ll what?
BLACK KNIGHT
Come ‘ere!
ARTHUR
What are you going to do, bleed on me?
BLACK KNIGHT
I’m invincible!
ARTHUR
You’re a loony.
BLACK KNIGHT
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
(whop; ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT’s other leg off)
BLACK KNIGHT
All right; we’ll call it a draw.
ARTHUR
Come, Patsy.
BLACK KNIGHT
Oh, oh, I see, running away then. You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what’s coming to you. I’ll bite your legs off!
Scene 5
CROWD
A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve got a witch! A witch!
VILLAGER #1
We have found a witch, might we burn her?
CROWD
Burn her! Burn!
BEDEMIR
How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2
She looks like one.
BEDEMIR
Bring her forward.
WITCH
I’m not a witch. I’m not a witch.
BEDEMIR
But you are dressed as one.
WITCH
They dressed me up like this.
CROWD
No, we didn’t — no.
WITCH
And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
BEDEMIR
Well?
VILLAGER #1
Well, we did do the nose.
BEDEMIR
The nose?
VILLAGER #1
And the hat — but she is a witch!
CROWD
Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
BEDEMIR
Did you dress her up like this?
CROWD
No, no... no... yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1
She has got a wart.
BEDEMIR
What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #3
Well, she turned me into a newt.
BEDEMIR
A newt?
VILLAGER #3
I got better.
VILLAGER #2
Burn her anyway!
CROWD
Burn! Burn her!
BEDEMIR
Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
CROWD
Are there? What are they?
BEDEMIR
Tell me, what do you do with witches?
VILLAGER #2
Burn!
CROWD
Burn, burn them up!
BEDEMIR
And what do you burn apart from witches?
VILLAGER #1
More witches!
(pause)
VILLAGER #2
Wood!
BEDEMIR
So, why do witches burn?
(pause)
VILLAGER #3B
...‘Cause they’re made of wood...?
BEDEMIR
Good!
CROWD
Oh yeah, yeah...
BEDEMIR
So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?
VILLAGER #1
Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEMIR
Aah, but can you not also build bridges out of stone?
VILLAGER #2Oh, yeah.
BEDEMIR
Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #1
No, no.
VILLAGER #2
It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1
Throw her into the pond!
CROWD
The pond!
BEDEMIR
What also floats in water?
VILLAGER #1
Bread!
VILLAGER #2
Apples!
VILLAGER #3
Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #1
Cider!
VILLAGER #2
Great gravy!
VILLAGER #1
Cherries!
VILLAGER #2
Mud!
VILLAGER #3
Churches — churches!
VILLAGER #2
Lead — lead!
ARTHUR
A duck.
CROWD
Oooh.
BEDEMIR
Exactly! So, logically...,
VILLAGER #1
If... she... weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood.
BEDEMIR
And therefore—?
VILLAGER #1
A witch!
CROWD
A witch!
BEDEMIR
We shall use my largest scales!
(yelling)
BEDEMIR
Right, remove the supports!
(whop; creak)
CROWD
A witch! A witch!
WITCH
It’s a fair cop.
CROWD
Burn her! Burn!
(yelling)
BEDEMIR
Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
BEDEMIR
My liege!
ARTHUR
Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEMIR
My liege! I would be honored.
ARTHUR
What is your name?
BEDEMIR
Bedemir, my leige.
ARTHUR
Then I dub you Sir Bedemir, Knight of the Round Table.
(Narrative Interlude)
NARRATOR
The wise Sir Bedemir was the first to join King Arthur’s knights, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Launcelot the Brave; Sir Galahad the Pure; and Sir Robin the Not-quite-so-brave-as-Sir-Launcelot who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Chicken of Bristol and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill; and the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film. Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold
throughout the centuries, the Knights of the Round Table.
Scene 6
BEDEMIR
And that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.
ARTHUR
This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedemir. Explain again how sheeps’ bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEMIR
Oh, certainly, sir.
LAUNCELOT
Look, my liege!
ARTHUR
Camelot!
GALAHAD
Camelot!
LAUNCELOT
Camelot!
PATSY
It’s only a model.
ARTHUR
Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride... to Camelot.
(singing)
We’re knights of the round table
We dance when e’er we’re able
We do routines and parlour scenes
With footwork impecc-Able.
We dine well here in Camelot
We eat ham and jam and spam a lot
(dancing)
We’re knights of the Round Table
Our shows are for-mid-able
Oh many times we’re given rhymes
That are quite unsing-able
We not so fat in Camelot
We sing from the diaphragm a lot
(tap-dancing)
Oh we’re tough and able
Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we [something]
And impersonate Clark Gable
It’s a bit too loud in Camelot
I have to push the pram a lot.
ARTHUR
Well, on second thought, let’s not go to Camelot — it is a silly place. Right.
Scene 7
GOD
Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don’t grovel! If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people groveling.
ARTHUR
Sorry—
GOD
And don’t apologize. Every time I try to talk to someone it’s "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I’m not worthy". What are you doing now!?
ARTHUR
I’m averting my eyes, oh Lord.
GOD
Well, don’t. It’s like those miserable Psalms — they’re so depressing. Now knock it off!
ARTHUR
Yes, Lord.
GOD
Right! Arthur, King of the Britons — your Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
ARTHUR
Good idea, oh Lord!
GOD
‘Course it’s a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur — the Quest for the
Holy Grail.
ARTHUR
A blessing!
LAUNCELOT
A blessing from the Lord!
GALAHAD
God be praised!
Scene 8
(clop clop)
ARTHUR
Halt! Hallo! Hallo!
GUARD
‘Allo! Who is zis?
ARTHUR
It is King Arthur, and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Who’s castle is this?
GUARD
This is the castle of my master, Guido Wommer!
ARTHUR
Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD
Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen... Uh, he’s already got one, you see?
ARTHUR
What?
GALAHAD
He says they’ve already got one!
ARTHUR
Are you sure he’s got one?
GUARD
Oh, yes, it’s very nice-a. (to his friends) I told him we already got one!
ARTHUR
Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD
Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR
Well, what are you then?
GUARD
I’m French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king!
GALAHAD
What are you doing in England?
GUARD
Mind your own business!
ARTHUR
If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
GUARD
You don’t frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur-king, you and all your silly English kaniggets. Thppppt!
GALAHAD
What a strange person.
ARTHUR
Now look here, my good man!
GUARD
I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed
animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! You
mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
GALAHAD
Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
GUARD
No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time-a!
ARTHUR
Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable.
GUARD
(Fetch-e la vache.) wha?
GUARD
(Fetch-e la vache!)
[moo!]
ARTHUR
If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall—
[twong]
[mooooooo]
Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
ALL:
Charge!
[mayhem]
GUARD
Ah, this one is for your mother!
[twong]
ALL
Run away!
GUARD
Thpppt!
[ after running away...]
LAUNCELOT
Fiends! I’ll tear them apart!
ARTHUR
No no, no.
BEDEMIR
Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop]
[rumble rumble squeak]
MUTTERING GUARDS
ce labon a bunny do wha? un codoo? a present! oh, un codoo. oui oui hurry! wha-? let’s go!
[rumble rumble squeak]
ARTHUR
What happens now?
BEDEMIR
Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise — not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
ARTHUR
Who leaps out?
BEDEMIR
Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh....
ARTHUR
Oh....
BEDEMIR
Oh.... Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger—
[twong]
ALL
Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
[splat]
GUARDS
Oh, haw haw haw.
Scene 9
Pictures for Schools, take 8.
DIRECTOR
Action!
NARRATOR
Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King Arthur. The ferocity of the French taunting took him completely by surprise, and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Arthur, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did—
[clop clop]
[An unknown knight rides in and stabs the narrator]
WOMAN
Greg!
Scene 10
NARRATOR
The Tale of Sir Robin.... So each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels.
MINSTREL (singing):
Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, o Brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils ripped and his bottom burned off,
And his balls...
ROBIN
That’s — that’s, uh, that’s enough music for now, lads. Looks like there’s dirty work afoot.
DENNIS
Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN
Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. Now I’ve dropped my mud.
ALL HEADS
Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL (singing)
He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who—
ROBIN
Shut up! Um, n-n-nobody really, I’m j-just um, just passing through.
ALL HEADS
What do you want?
MINSTREL (singing)
To fight, and—
ROBIN
Shut up! Um, oo, n-nothing, nothing really — I, uh, j-j-ust to um, just to p-pass through good Sir knight.
ALL HEADS
I’m afraid not!
ROBIN
Ah. W-well, actually I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS
You’re a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN
I am.
LEFT HEAD
In that case I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD
Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, I don’t think so.
MIDDLE HEAD
Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD
I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD
Well let’s be nice to him.
MIDDLE HEAD
Oh shut up.
LEFT HEAD
Perhaps-
MIDDLE HEAD
And you.
LEFT HEAD
Oh quick get the sword out I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD
Yes, do us all a favor!
LEFT HEAD
What?
RIGHT HEAD
Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD
You’re lucky, you’re not next to him.
LEFT HEAD
What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD
You snore.
LEFT HEAD
Oh I don’t — anyway, you’ve got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD
Well its only because you don’t brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD
Oh stop bitching and let’s go have tea.
LEFT HEAD
All right all right all right we’ll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD
Yes.
RIGHT HEAD
Oh, but not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD
All right all right not biscuits, but lets kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS
Right!
LEFT HEAD
He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD
So he has, he’s scarpered.
MINSTREL (singing)
Brave Sir Robin ran away
ROBIN
No!
MINSTREL (singing)
Bravely ran away away
ROBIN
I didn’t!
MINSTREL (singing)
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled
ROBIN
No!
MINSTREL (singing)
Yes Brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN
I didn’t!
MINSTREL (singing)
And gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to his feet
ROBIN
I never did!
MINSTREL (singing)
He beat a very brave retreat
ROBIN
Oh, lie!
MINSTREL (singing)
Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
ROBIN
I never!
Scene 11
NARRATOR
The Tale of Sir Galahad
[boom crash]
[angels singing]
[pound pound pound]
GALAHAD
Open the door! Open the door!
[pound pound pound]
In the name of King Arthur, open the door!
[squeak thump]
[squeak boom]
ALL
Hello!
ZOOT
Welcome gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.
GALAHAD
The Castle Anthrax?
ZOOT
Yes... oh, it’s not a very good name is it? Oh! but we are nice and we shall attend to your every, every need!
GALAHAD
You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?
ZOOT
The what?
GALAHAD
The Grail — it is here?
ZOOT
Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crepper!
MIDGET and CREPPER
Yes, oh Zoot!
ZOOT
Prepare a bed for our guest.
MIDGET and CREPPER
Oh thank you thank you thank you—
ZOOT
Away away vile peasents! The beds here are warm and soft — and very, very big.
GALAHAD
Well, look, I-I-uh—
ZOOT
What is your name, handsome knight?
GALAHAD
Sir Galahad... the Chaste.
ZOOT
Mine is Zoot... just Zoot. Oh, but come!
GALAHAD
Look, please! In God’s name, show me the Grail!
ZOOT
Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!
GALAHAD
L-look, I have seen it! It is here, in the—
ZOOT
Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse
our hospitality.
GALAHAD
Well, I-I-uh—
ZOOT
Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen and a half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life — bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear.... We are just not used to handsome knights. Nay, nay, come, come, you may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!
GALAHAD
No, no — i-it’s nothing!
ZOOT
Oh, but you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please, lie down.
[clap clap]
PIGLET
Ah. What seems to be the trouble?
GALAHAD
They’re doctors?!
ZOOT
Uh, they’ve had a basic medical training, yes.
GALAHAD
B-but—
ZOOT
Oh, come come, you must try to rest! Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston, practice your art.
PIGLET
Try to relax.
GALAHAD
Are you sure that’s necessary?
PIGLET
We must examine you.
GALAHAD
There’s nothing wrong with that!
PIGLET
Please — we are doctors.
GALAHAD
Get off the bed! I am sworn to chastity!
PIGLE
TBack to your bed!
GALAHAD
Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!
PIGLET
There’s no grail here.
GALAHAD
I have seen it, I have seen it. I have seen—
GIRLS
Hello.
GALAHAD
Oh—
VARIOUS GIRLS
Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello.
GALAHAD
Zoot!
DINGO
No, I am Zoot’s identical twin sister, Dingo.
GALAHAD
Oh, well, excuse me, I—
DINGO
Where are you going?
GALAHAD
I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here in this castle!
DINGO
No! Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!
GALAHAD
What is it?
DINGO
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I just remembered, is grail-shaped. It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.
GALAHAD
It’s not the real Grail?
DINGO
Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot! Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty — and here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her!
GIRLS
A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO
You must spank her well. And after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then, spank me.
VARIOUS GIRLS
And spank me. And me. And me.
DINGO
Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!
GIRLS
A spanking! A spanking!
DINGO
And after the spanking, the oral sex.
GIRLS
Oral sex! Oral sex!
GALAHAD
Well, I could stay a BIT longer.
LAUNCELOT
Sir Galahad!
GALAHAD
Oh, hello.
LAUNCELOT
Quick!
GALAHAD
What?
LAUNCELOT
Quick!
GALAHAD
Why?
LAUNCELOT
You’re in great peril!
LAUNCELOT
Silence, foul temptress!
GALAHAD
Now look, it’s not important.
LAUNCELOT
Quick! Come on and we’ll cover your escape!
GALAHAD
Look, I’m fine!
LAUNCELOT
Come on!
GALAHAD
Now look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!
DINGO
Yes! Let him tackle us single-handed!
GIRLS
Yes! Tackle us single-handed!
LAUNCELOT
No, Sir Galahad, come on!
GALAHAD
No, really, honestly, I can go back and handle this lot easily!
DINGO
Oh, yes, let him handle us easily.
GIRLS
Yes, yes!
GALAHAD
Wait! I can defeat them! There’s only a hundred and fifty of them!
DINGO
Yes, yes, he’ll beat us easily, we haven’t a chance.
GIRLS
Yes, yes.
[boom]
DINGO
Oh, shit.
[outside]
LAUNCELOT
We were in the nick of time, you were in great peril.
GALAHAD
I don’t think I was.
LAUNCELOT
Yes you were, you were in terrible peril.
GALAHAD
Look, let me go back in there and face the peril.
LAUNCELOT
No, it’s too perilous.
GALAHAD
Look, [something] as much peril as I can.
LAUNCELOT
No, we’ve got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!
GALAHAD
Well, let me have just a little bit of peril?
LAUNCELOT
No, it’s unhealthy.
GALAHAD
Bet you’re gay!
LAUNCELOT
No, I’m not.
Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR
Sir Launcelot had saved Sir Galahad from almost certain temptation, but they were still no nearer the Grail. Meanwhile, King Arthur and Sir Bedemir, not more than a swallow’s flight away, had discovered something. Oh, that’s an unladen swallow’s flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallow’s flights away — four, really, if they hadn’t a cord of line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging—
CROWD
Get on with it!
NARRATOR
Oh, anyway, on to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which Arthur discovers a vital clue, in which there aren’t any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling -oolp!
Scene 12
OLD MAN
Ah, hee he he ha!
ARTHUR
And this enchanter of whom you speak, he has seen the grail?
OLD MAN
Ha ha he he he he!
ARTHUR
Where does he live? Old man, where does he live?
OLD MAN
He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered.
ARTHUR
And the Grail... The Grail is there?
OLD MAN
Very much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril, which no man has ever crossed.
ARTHUR
But the Grail! Where is the Grail!?
OLD MAN
Seek you the Bridge of Death.
ARTHUR
The Bridge of Death, which leads to the Grail?
OLD MAN
Hee hee ha ha!
Scene 13
HEAD KNIGHT
Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR
Who are you?
HEAD KNIGHT
We are the Knights Who Say... Nee!
ARTHUR
No! Not the Knights Who Say Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT
The same!
BEDEMIR
Who are they?
HEAD KNIGHT
We are the keepers of the sacred wordsNee, Pang, and Nee-wom!
RANDOM
Nee-wom!
ARTHUR
Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale!
HEAD KNIGHT
The Knights Who Say Nee demand a sacrifice!
ARTHUR
Knights of Nee, we are but simple travellers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods.
HEAD KNIGHT
Nee! Nee! Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY
Oh, ow!
HEAD KNIGHT
We shall say ‘nee’ again to you if you do not appease us.
ARTHUR
Well, what is it you want?
HEAD KNIGHT
We want... a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR
A what?
HEAD KNIGHT
Nee! Nee!
ARTHUR and PARTY
Oh, ow!
ARTHUR
Please, please! No more! We shall find a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT
You must return here with a shrubbery or else you will never pass through this wood alive!
ARTHURO
Knights of Nee, you are just and fair, and we will return with a shrubbery.
HEAD KNIGHT
One that looks nice.
ARTHUR
Of course.
HEAD KNIGHT
And not too expensive.
ARTHUR
Yes.
HEAD KNIGHTS
Now... go!
Scene 14
NARRATOR
The Tale of Sir Launcelot.
FATHER
One day, lad, all this will be yours!
HERBERT
What, the curtains?
FATHER
No, not the curtains, lad. All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This’ll be your kingdom, lad!
HERBERT
But, Mother—
FATHER
Father, I’m Father.
HERBERT
But Father, I don’t want any of that.
FATHER
Listen, lad. I’ve built this kingdom up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was swamp. The king said I was daft to build a castle in a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show ‘em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp. But the fourth one stayed up. An’ that’s what your gonna get, lad — the strongest castle in these islands.
HERBERT
But I don’t want any of that — I’d rather—
FATHER
Rather what?!
HERBERT
I’d rather... just... [music] ...sing!
FATHER
Stop that, stop that! You’re not going to do a song while I’m here. Now listen lad, in twenty minutes you’re getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
HERBERT
But I don’t want land.
FATHER
Listen, Alice...
HERBERT
Herbert.
FATHER
Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get.
HERBERT
But I don’t like her.
FATHER
Don’t like her?! What’s wrong with her? She’s beautiful, she’s rich, she’s got huge... tracts of land.
HERBERT
I know, but I want the girl that I marry to have... a certain... special... [music] ...something...
FATHER
Cut that out, cut that out. Look, you’re marryin’ Princess Looky, so you’d better get used to the idea. [smack] Guards! Make sure the Prince doesn’t leave this room until I come and get ‘im.
GUARD #1
Not to leave the room even if you come and get him.
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
No, no. Until I come and get ‘im.
GUARD #1
Until you come and get him, we’re not to enter the room.
FATHER
No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1
And you’ll come and get him.
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Right.
GUARD #1
We don’t need to do anything, apart from just stop him entering the room.
FATHER
No, no. Leaving the room.
GUARD #1
Leaving the room, yes.
FATHER
All right?
GUARD #1
Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
FATHER
Yes, what is it?
GUARD #1
Oh, if-if, oh—
FATHER
Look, it’s quite simple.
GUARD #1
Uh...
FATHER
You just stay here, and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave the room. All right?
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Right.
GUARD #1
Oh, I remember. Uh, can he leave the room with us?
FATHER
N- No no no. You just keep him in here, and make sure—
GUARD #1Oh, yes, we’ll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had to leave and we were—FATHERNo, no, just keep him in here—
GUARD #1Until you, or anyone else,—
FATHER
No, not anyone else, just me—
GUARD #1
Just you.
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Get back.
GUARD #1
Get back.
FATHER
Right?
GUARD #1
Right, we’ll stay here until you get back.
FATHER
And, uh, make sure he doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1
What?
FATHER
Make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1
The Prince?
FATHER
Yes, make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.
GUARD #1
Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him. Y’know, it seemed a bit daft, me havin’ to guard him when he’s a guard.
FATHER
Is that clear?
GUARD #2
Hic!
GUARD #1
Oh, quite clear, no problems.
FATHER
Right.
[starts to leave]
Where are you going?
GUARD #1
We’re coming with you.
FATHERNo no, I want you to stay ‘ere and make sure ‘e doesn’t leave.GUARD #1
Oh, I see. Right.
HERBERT
But, Father!
FATHER
Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on! And no singing!
GUARD #2
Hic!
FATHER
Oh, go get a glass of water.
Scene 15
LAUNCELOT
Well taken, Concorde!
CONCORDE
Thank you, sir! Most kind.
LAUNCELOT
And again... Over we go! Good. Steady! And now, the big one...Ooof! Come on, Concorde!
[thwonk]
CONCORDE
Message for you, sir.
[fwump]
LAUNCELOT
Concorde! Concorde, speak to me! "To whoever finds this note, I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle." At last! A call, a cry of distress! This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail! Brave, brave Concorde! You shall not have died in vain!
CONCORDE
Uh, I’m-I’m not quite dead, sir.
LAUNCELOT
Well, you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!CONCORDE
Uh, I-I think uh, I could pull through, sir.LAUNCELOT
Oh, I see.
CONCORDE
Actually, I think I’m all right to come with you—LAUNCELOT
No, no, sweet Concorde! Stay here! I will send hel as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular... (sigh)
CONCORD
EIdiom, sir?LAUNCELOT
Idiom!CONCORDE
No, I feel fine, actually, sir.LAUNCELOT
Farewell, sweet Concorde!
CONCORDE
I’ll-uh, I’ll just stay here, then, shall I, sir? Yeah. Scene 16LAUNCELOT
Ha-ha! etc.GUARD #1
Now, you’re not allowed to come in here, and we’re-ugh!
LAUNCELOT
O fair one, behold your humble servant Sir Launcelot of Camelot. I have come to take — oh, I’m terribly sorry.HERBERT
You got my note!
LAUNCELOT
Uh, well, I got A note.HERBERT
You’ve come to rescue me!LAUNCELOT
Uh, well, no, you see—
HERBERT
I knew that someone would, I knew that somewhere out there... there must be... [music] ...someone...FATHER
Stop that, stop that, stop it! Stop it! Who are you?HERBERT
I’m your son!FATHER
No, not you.LAUNCELOT
I’m Sir Launcelot, sir.HERBERT
He’s come to rescue me, father.LAUNCELOT
Well, let’s not jump to conclusions.
FATHER
Did you kill all the guards?LAUNCELOT
Uh..., oh, yes. Sorry.FATHER
They cost fifty pounds each.LAUNCELOT
Well, I’m awfully sorry, I’m — I really can explain everything.
HERBERT
Don’t be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot, I’ve got a rope all ready!FATHER
You killed eight wedding guests in all!LAUNCELOT
Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady.
FATHER
I can understand that.HERBERT
Hurry, Sir Launcelot! Hurry!FATHER
Shut up! You only killed the bride’s father, that’s all!
LAUNCELOT
Well, I really didn’t mean to...FATHER
Didn’t mean to?! You put your sword right through his head!
LAUNCELOT
Oh, dear. Is he all right?FATHER
You even kicked the bride in the chest! This is going to cost me a fortune!LAUNCELOT
Well, I can explain. I was in the forest, um, riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see—FATHER
Camelot? Are you from, uh, Camelot?HERBERT
Hurry, Sir Launcelot!
LAUNCELOT
Uh, I am a Knight of King Arthur, sir.FATHER
Pretty nice castle, Camelot. Uh, pretty good pig country....LAUNCELOT
Yes.
HERBERT
Hurry, I’m ready!FATHER
Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?
LAUNCELOT
Well, that’s, uh, awfully nice of you.HERBERT
I am ready!
[starts to leave]LAUNCELOT
—I mean to be, so understanding.
[thonk]HERBERT
Oooh!LAUNCELOT
Um, I think when I’m in this idiom, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.
FATHER
Oh, don’t worry about that.HERBERT
Oooh!
[splat]Scene 17
[wailing]FATHER
Well, this is the main hall. We’re going to have all this knocked through, and made into one big, uh, living room.
RANDOM
There he is!FATHER
Oh, bloody hell.LAUNCELOT
Ha-ha! etc.FATHER
Hold it, hold it! Please!LAUNCELOT
Sorry, sorry. See what I mean, I just get carried away. I really must — sorry, sorry! Sorry, everyone.RANDOM
He’s killed the best man![yelling]
FATHER
Hold it, please! Hold it! This is Sir Launcelot from the gorge of Camelot — a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today.
LAUNCELOT
Hello.
RANDOM
He killed my auntie![yelling]
FATHER
Please, please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let’s not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death. But I think I’ve not lost a son, so
much as... gained a daughter! For, since the tragic death of her father—
RANDOM
He’s not quite dead!FATHER
Since the near fatal wounding of her father—RANDOM
He’s getting better!
FATHER
For, since her own father... who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him,—
[ugh]RANDOM
Oh, he’s died!FATHER
And I want his only daughter to look upon me... as her own dad — in a very real, and legally binding sense.
[clapping]
And I feel sure that the merger — uh, the union — between the Princess and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Launcelot of Camelot—
LAUNCELOT
What?
RANDOM
Look! The dead Prince!CONCORDE
He’s not quite dead!
HERBERT
Oh, I feel much better.FATHER
You fell out of the cold tower, you creep!
HERBERT
No, I was saved at the last minute.
FATHER
How?!HERBERT
Well, I’ll tell you...
[music]FATHER
Not like that! Not like that! No, stop it!
SINGING
He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!FATHER
Shut up!SINGING
He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!He’s going to tell! He’s going to tell!CONCORDE
Quickly, sir! This way!
LAUNCELOT
No, it’s not in my idiom! I must escape in my own particular....(sigh)CONCORDE
Dogma, sir?LAUNCELOT
Dogma! Hee! Ha![crash]Excuse me, could, uh, could somebody give me a push, please...?Scene 18
[clop clop]
ARTHUR
Old crone! Is there anywhere in this town where we could buy a shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
CRONE
Who sent you?ARTHUR
The Knights Who Say Nee.CRONE
Agh! No! Never! We have no shrubberies here.ARTHUR
If you do not tell us where we can buy a shrubbery, my friend and I will say... we will say... `nee’.
CRONE
Agh! Do your worst!ARTHUR
Very well! If you will not assist us voluntarily,... nee!CRONE
No! Never! No shrubberies!ARTHUR
Nee!BEDEMIR
Noo! Noo!
ARTHUR
No, no, no, no — it’s not that, it’s ‘nee’.BEDEMIR
Noo!ARTHUR
No, no — ‘nee’. You’re not doing it properly.BEDEMIR
Noo! Nee!ARTHUR
That’s it, that’s it, you’ve got it.
ARTHUR and BEDEMIR
Nee! Nee!ROGER
Are you saying ‘nee’ to that old woman?
ARTHUR
Um, yes.ROGER
Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can`nee’ at will to old ladies. There is a pestilence upon this land, nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design shrubberies are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.
ARTHUR
Did you say `shrubberies’?ROGER
Yes, shrubberies are my trade — I am a shrubber. My name is Roger the Shrubber. I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.BEDEMIR
Nee!ARTHUR
No! No, no, no! No!
Scene 19
ARTHUR
O, Knights of Nee, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?HEAD KNIGHT
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem.ARTHUR
What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT
We are now... no longer the Knights Who Say Nee.
RANDOM
Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT
Shh shh. We are now the Knights Who Say Ecky-ecky-ecky-ecky-pitang-zoom-boing-rrrowza.
RANDOM
Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT
Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR
What is this test, O Knights of— Knights Who ‘Til Recently Said Nee?
HEAD KNIGHT
Firstly, you must find... another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR
Not another shrubbery!
HEAD KNIGHT
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
RANDOM
A path! A path! Nee!
HEAD KNIGHT
Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest... with... a herring!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR
We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT
Oh, please!
ARTHUR
Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Don’t say that word.
ARTHUR
What word?
HEAD KNIGHT
I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Nee cannot hear.
ARTHUR
How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
ARTHUR
What, `is’?
HEAD KNIGHT
No, not `is’ — we couldn’t get vary far in life not saying `is’.
BEDEMIR
My liege, it’s Sir Robin!
MINSTREL (singing)
Packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing about
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge
ARTHUR
Oh, Robin!
ROBIN
My liege! It’s good to see you!
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
He said the word!
ARTHUR
Surely you’ve not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL (singing)
He is sneaking away and buggering up—
ROBIN
Shut up! No, no no— far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT
He said the word again!
ROBIN
I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!
ROBIN
Uh, here, here in this forest.
ARTHUR
No, it is far from—
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word!
ARTHUR
Oh, stop it!
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT
Oh! He said it again!
ARTHUR
Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT
Aaugh! I said it! I said it! Ooh! I said it again!
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh!
Narrative Interlude
NARRATOR
And so Arthur and Bedemir and Sir Robin set out on their search to find the enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in Scene 24. Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much rejoicing.
ALL
Yay! Yay!
NARRATOR
In the frozen land of Nador they were forced to eat Robin’s minstrels. And there was much rejoicing.
ALL
Yay!
NARRATOR
A year passed. Winter changed into Spring. Spring changed into Summer. Summer changed back into Winter. And Winter gave Spring and Summer a miss and went straight on into Autumn. Until one day...
Scene 20
ARTHUR
Knights! Forward!
[boom boom boom boom BOOM boom boom boom boom]
What manner of man are you that can summon up fire without flint or tinder?
TIM
I... am an enchanter.
ARTHUR
By what name are you known?
TIM
There are some who call me... Tim?
ARTHUR
Greetings, Tim the Enchanter.
TIM
Greetings, King Arthur!
ARTHUR
You know my name?
TIM
I do.
[zoosh]
You seek the Holy Grail!
ARTHUR
That is our quest. You know much that is hidden, O Tim.
TIM
Quite.
[pweeng boom]
[clap clap clap]
ARTHUR
Yes, we’re, we’re looking for the Grail. Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS
It is, yes, yup, yes, yeah.
ARTHUR
And so we’re, we’re, we’re, we’re looking for it.
KNIGHTS
Yes we are we are.
BEDEMIR
We have been for some time.
ROBIN
Ages.
ARTHUR
Uh, so, uh, anything you can do to, uh, to help, would be... very... helpful...
GALAHAD
Look, can you tell us wh-
[boom]
ARTHUR
Fine, um, I don’t want to waste anymore of your time, but, uh I don’t suppose you could, uh, tell us where we might find a, um, find a, uh, a, um, a uh—
TIM
A what...?
ARTHUR
A g—, a g—
TIM
A Grail?!
ARTHUR
Yes, I think so.
KNIGHTS
Yes, that’s it. Yes.
TIM
Yes!
KNIGHTS
Oh, thank you, splendid, fine.
[boom pweeng boom boom]
ARTHUR
Look, you’re a busy man, uh—
TIM
Yes, I can help you find the Holy Grail.
KNIGHTS
Oh, thank you.
TIM
To the north there lies a cave — the cave of Kyre Banorg — wherein, carved in mystic runes upon the very living rock, the last words of Ulfin Bedweer of Regett [boom] proclaim the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.
ARTHUR
Where could we find this cave, O Tim?
TIM
Follow! But! follow only if ye be men of valor, for the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four fifty men lie strewn about its lair. So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength, come no further, for death awaits
you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
ARTHUR
What an eccentric performance.
Scene 21
[clop clop whinny]
SOMEONE
They’re nervous, sire.
ARTHUR
Then we’d best leave them here and carry on on foot. Dis-mount!
TIM
Behold the cave of Kyre Banorg!
ARTHUR
Right! Keep me covered.
SOMEONE
What with?
ARTHUR
Just keep me covered.
TIM
Too late!
[chord]
ARTHUR
What?
TIM
There he is!
ARTHUR
Where?
TIM
There!
ARTHUR
What, behind the rabbit?
TIM
It is the rabbit!
ARTHUR
You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
TIM
Well, that’s no ordinary rabbit. That’s the most foul, cruel, and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
ROBIN
You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared!
TIM
Look, that rabbit’s got a vicious streak a mile wide, it’s a killer!
ROBIN
Get stuffed!
TIM
It’ll do you a trick, mate!
ROBIN
Oh, yeah?
ROBIN
You monkey’s scot’s get!
TIM
I’m warning you!
ROBIN
What’s he do, nibble your bum?
TIM
He’s got huge, sharp— he can leap about— look at the bones!
ARTHUR
Go on, Boris. Chop his head off!
BORIS
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin’ right up!
TIM
Look!
[squeak]
BORIS
Aaaugh!
[chord]
ARTHUR
Jesus Christ!
TIM
I warned you!
ROBIN
I peed again!
TIM
I warned you! But did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn’t you? Oh, it’s just a harmless little bunny, isn’t it? Well, it’s always the same, I always—
ARTHUR
Oh, shut up!
TIM
—But do they listen to me?—
ARTHUR
Right!
TIM
-Oh, no—
KNIGHTS
Charge!
[squeak squeak]
KNIGHTS
Aaaaugh! Aaaugh! etc.
KNIGHTS
Run away! Run away!
TIM
Haw haw haw. Haw haw haw. Haw haw.
ARTHUR
Right. How many did we lose? Gawain. Hector. And Boris. That’s five.
GALAHAD
Three, sir.
ARTHUR
Three. Three. And we’d better not risk another frontal assault, that rabbit’s dynamite.
ROBIN
Would it help to confuse it if we run away more?
ARTHUR
Oh, shut up and go and change your armor.
GALAHAD
Let us taunt it! It may become so cross that it will make a mistake.
ARTHUR
Like what?
GALAHAD
Well,....
ARTHUR
Have we got bows?
SOMEONE
No.
LAUNCELOT
We have the Holy Hand Grenade.
ARTHUR
Yes, of course! The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch! ‘Tis one of the sacred relics Brother Maynard carries with him! Brother Maynard! Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!
MONKS [singing]
Pie jesu domine… Donna eis requiem
ARTHUR
How does it, uh... how does it work?
SOMEONE
I know not, my liege.
SOMEONE
Consult the Book of Armaments!
MAYNARD
Armaments, Chapter Two, Verses Nine to Twenty-One.
BROTHER
"And Saint Atila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, ‘Oh, Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thy enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.’ And the Lord did grin, and people did feast upon the lambs, and sloths, and carp, and anchovies, and orangutans, and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats, and large —"
MAYNARD
Skip a bit, Brother.
BROTHER
"And the Lord spake, saying, ‘First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is
right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who being naught in my sight, shall snuff it.’"
MAYNARD
Amen.
ALL
Amen.
ARTHUR
Right! One... two... five!
SOMEONE
Three, sir!
ARTHUR
Three!
[boom]
Scene 22
SOMEONE
There! Look!
LAUNCELOT
What does it say?
GALAHAD
What language is that?
ARTHUR
Brother Maynard, you’re our scholar!
MAYNARD
It’s Aramaic!
GALAHAD
Of course! Joseph of Aramathea!
LAUNCELOT
Course!
ARTHUR
What does it say?
MAYNARD
It reads, ‘Here may be found the last words of Joseph of Aramathea. He who is valiant and pure of spirit may find the Holy Grail in the Castle of aaggggggh’.
ARTHUR
What?
MAYNARD
‘... the Castle of aaggggggh’.
BEDEMIR
What is that?
MAYNARD
He must have died while carving it.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, come on!
MAYNARD
Well, that’s what it says.
ARTHUR
Look, if he was dying, he wouldn’t bother to carve ‘aaggggh’. He’d just say it!
MAYNARD
Well, that’s what’s carved in the rock!
GALAHAD
Perhaps he was dictating.
ARTHUR
Oh, shut up. Well, does it say anything else?
MAYNARD
No. Just, ‘aaggggggh.’
LAUNCELOT
Aaggghhh.
SOMEONE
Aaauggh.
BEDEMIR
You don’t suppose he meant the Camauuuugh?
SOMEONE
Where’s that?
BEDEMIR
France, I think.
LAUNCELOT
Isn’t there a Saint Aauuuves in Cornwall?
ARTHUR
No, that’s Saint Ives.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, yes. Saint Iiiives.
SEVERAL
Iiiiives.
BEDEMIR
Oooohoohohooo!
LAUNCELOT
No, no, aauuuuugh, at the back of the throat. Aauuugh.
BEDEMIR
No, no, no, oooooooh, in surprise and alarm.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, you mean sort of a aaaagh!
BEDEMIR
Yes, but I— Aaaaagh!
LAUNCELOT
Oooh!
GALAHAD
Oh, no!
[roar]
MAYNARD
It’s the legendary Black Beast of aaauuugh!
ARTHUR
Run away!
ALL
Run away! Run away!
[roar]
NARRATOR
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur and his knights seemed hopeless. When, suddenly, the animator suffered a fatal heart attack. [ulk]
The cartoon peril was no more. The Quest for Holy Grail could continue.
Scene 23
ARTHUR
There it is! The Bridge of Death!
ROBIN
Oh, great.
SOMEONE
Look!
ARTHUR
There’s the old man from Scene 24!
BEDEMIR
What is he doing here?
ARTHUR
He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions—
LAUNCELOT
Three questions.
ARTHUR
Three questions. He who answers the five questions—
LAUNCELOT
Three questions.
ARTHUR
Three questions may cross in safety.
ROBIN
What if you get a question wrong?
ARTHUR
Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
ROBIN
Oh, I won’t go.
SOMEONE
Who’s going to answer the questions?
ARTHUR
Sir Robin!
ROBIN
Yes?
ARTHUR
Brave Sir Robin, you go.
ROBIN
Hey! I’ve got a great idea. Why doesn’t Launcelot go?
LAUNCELOT
Yes, let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east—
ARTHUR
No, no, hang on hang on hang on! Just answer the five questions—
SOMEONE
Three questions.
ARTHUR
Three questions as best you can. And we shall watch... and pray.
LAUNCELOT
I understand, my liege.
ARTHUR
Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you.
KEEPER
Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ‘ere the other side he see.
LAUNCELOT
Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I’m not afraid.
KEEPER
What is your name?
LAUNCELOT
My name is Sir Launcelot of Camelot.
KEEPER
What is your quest?
LAUNCELOT
To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER
What is your favorite color?
LAUNCELOT
Blue.
KEEPER
Right. Off you go.
LAUNCELOT
Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.
ROBIN
That’s easy!
KEEPER
Stop! Who approaches the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ‘ere the other side he see.
ROBIN
Ask me the questions, bridge-keeper. I’m not afraid.
KEEPER
What is your name?
ROBIN
Sir Robin of Camelot.
KEEPER
What is your quest?
ROBIN
To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER
What is the capital of Assyria?
ROBIN
I don’t know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
KEEPER
Stop! What is your name?
GALAHAD
Sir Galahad of Camelot.
KEEPER
What is your quest?
GALAHAD
I seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER
What is your favorite color?
GALAHAD
Blue. No, yel — Auuuuuuuugh!
KEEPER
Heh heh. Stop! What is your name?
ARTHUR
It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
KEEPER
What is your quest?
ARTHUR
To seek the Holy Grail.
KEEPER
What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR
What do you mean? An African or European swallow?
KEEPER
What? I don’t know that! Auuuuuuuugh!
BEDEMIR
How do know so much about swallows?
ARTHUR
Well, you have to know these things when you’re a king you know.
Scene 24
ARTHUR
Launcelot! Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR
Launcelot! Launcelot!
ARTHUR
Launcelot! Launcelot!
BEDEMIR
Launcelot! Launcelot!
[angels singing]
ARTHUR
The Castle Aggh. Our quest is at an end! God be praised! Almighty God, we thank Thee that Thou hast kept us safe, we have the most-
[twong ‘baaaa’]
Jesus Christ!
GUARD
‘Allo, daffy English kaniggets and Monsieur Arthur-King, who is afraid of a duck, you know! So, we French fellows out-wit you a second time!
ARTHUR
How dare you profane this place with your presence!? I command you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, to open the doors of this sacred castle, to which God himself has guided us!
GUARD
How you English say, I one more time-a unclog my nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser! So, you think you could out-clever us French folk with your silly knees-bent running about in dancing behavior! I wave my private parts at your aunties, you heaving lot of second hand electric donkey bottom biters.
ARTHUR
In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!
GUARD
No chance, English bedwetting types. I burst my pimples at you and call your door opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms!ARTHURIf you do not open this door, we shall take this castle by force!
[splat]
In the name of God and the glory of our—
[splat]
Right! That settles it!
GUARD
Yes, this time and don’t come back any more or we fire arrows at the tops of your heads and make castanets out of your testicles already! Ha ha!
ARTHUR
Walk away. Just ignore them.GUARD
No, remain ??? illegitimate faced buggerfuls! And, if you think you got nasty taunting this time, you ain’t heard nothing yet! Daffy English kaniggets! Thpppt!ARTHUR
We shall attack at once!
BEDEMIR
Yes, my liege!ARTHUR
Stand by for attack!
[ ending nonsense ]
