August 1, 2000 - Tuesday (Excerpt from my diary)

Mondays are my weigh-in days at Weight Watchers. I joined - or should I say rejoined - WWs at the end of May. Really didn't get serious about it all until the beginning of June. Today I reached what WWs calls the 10% difference - which is the loss of 10% of your starting weight. Which is also, coincidentally, approximately 20% of the total weight I wish to lose (although I may decide that I want to go lower than that). Twenty-seven and two-tenths pounds gone. Hopefully forever. I received a silver key chain for reaching my 10% goal, and a star-shaped magnet with a 25 on it for 25 lbs lost. This was an important achievement for me. It was something I really looked forward to because it represented my ability to actually succeed at reaching a goal I set.

Even though this is not the first time I've lost weight, I really want it to be my last time. I know that, to some people, I may seem obsessed with "working the program," but I don't care! I have been obese for so long, and I want to lose weight and be able to live more normally. This excess weight drags me down both physically and emotionally. Working the program well and successfully losing weight will help show me I can do something good for myself. That I can control something I felt controlled me! In a way, I really feel like that commercial where the drawing of a fat woman unzips and unveils a happy, slim woman that had been hidden inside! I know that 27 pounds hasnÕt made that much difference in my body's appearance (except maybe in my face), but it is one layer of me gone! I want to peel layer after layer off and free myself from the bondage of a body that gives me a reason to hate myself. I want to be proud of what I've done and how I look.

No, losing the weight will not solve all my problems. But it will eliminate and/or at least lessen some of the things which make me unhappy. And once this area of my life is improved, maybe I will be freer to work on other areas.

August 11, 2000 - Friday

KNOWLEDGE - I know that I have a long way to go. I want to lose a total of at least 133 pounds, possibly more. Since I've started this weight loss effort I've lost 29.2 lbs, so I still have over 100 pounds to go. And I also know that I will never be able to go back to my old eating patterns. If I do I will probably gain even more than I started with. So I need to make this a life style, not a diet.

DESIRE - I truly desire to be healthy. I want to feel proud of myself. If I make the right choices I will get what I desire. I am choosing losing over abusing myself! No one else can do it for me. I want it bad enough to do whatever it takes!

CHOICE - No one controls the fork in my hand but me! I can choose to be fat or choose to be thin. If I choose fat I am also choosing not to be healthy and to be unhappy. I choose health! I choose Happiness!

August 12, 2000 - Saturday

Went out to dinner last night with a friend. Our annual joint birthday celebration (her birthday is Aug. 8th, mine Aug. 4th -- she's a year older than me). We chose a restaurant nearby that I know has excellent food.

I had left the majority of my allowed points to use for dinner. I figured I'd probably use them plus some banked points. Well, I didn't! I even had points left over from my daily range, so I had some milk to get my points up to fullfil my daily requirements! Even if I was wrong on my questimations, I'm sure I stayed within bounds!

This is really great. In past weight loss efforts, one of the biggest problems I had was eating out. Especially during celebrations! The 1-2-3 Success Plan really allows me to enjoy myself without feeling deprived. I can eat anything I choose to, just in moderation.

I wish I could patent this feeling I have. I feel in total control! I've gone to buffets, restaurants, and parties -- and I've been able to stay OP! And it wasn't even a struggle. I'm amazed that sometimes I've even been able to leave food on my plate! Like I did yesterday... I loved the taste of the smashed potatoes, but I somehow felt I'd had enough. I knew I wanted to be able to have a dessert, and didn't want to go off program (or be stuffed afterwards). Wendy and I shared a dessert. We ordered thin chocolate brownie trianges with a scoop of vanilla icecream. It was really good. But I didn't even finish the brownie!!!! Truly amazing! I feel so good, so proud of myself! This is the way to really LIVE!

August 14, 2000 - Monday

Weighed in this morning. Small loss, only 6 tenths (.6) of a pound. But at least it's a loss. I'd have liked to have gone down at least .8 because that would have brought me to 30 lbs gone (I almost wrote "lost" - but lost means it can be found, and I'm getting rid of it forever!), but I will accept whatever it is. I think my body may have been reacting to the fact that a few times this week I actually ate below my point range. I guess I may have proved that when you don't eat enough your body knows it and doesn't react well! Oh, well!

Leaving in a few minutes for vacation. Will be away a total of 8 days. This is the longest time I'll be away from home since starting WWs, and thus will have less active control of my food. But I know from recent past experiences that I can do it! I will keep my program in mind every time I'm even near food!

Of course, I want to be able to say I was OP for myself, but I also don't want to come back and have to admit not just to WWs, but to my group (Boot Camp Buddies) that I went off program! Almost 2,000 sets of eyes are watching me from there alone! {grin}

Moderation will be my keyword!

August 23, 2000 - Wednesday

Well, I'm back from vacation. My husband and I went to Baltimore, Maryland. The land of Crab Cakes. Since we came back too late on Monday for me to go to WWs and weigh-in, I had to wait until Tuesday afternoon to see what the Iron Monster (the scale) would say. Although I knew I'd been careful, and even kept a food journal for accountability, I could not be sure if my point approximations for all the food I ate at various restaurants was accurate. Of course, I had done a lot of walking, which could make up for at least some of my errors, but I could not be sure what effect all that restaurant food had on my weight loss efforts.

When I finally got the results, I was really surprised. I had gotten rid of 3.6 pounds! Making my total weight loss 33.4 pounds! I was delighted! I guess I proved to myself that I can do this and even enjoy myself! I really didn't deny myself while away. I even got to eat some crab cakes! And the night we came home we went to Olive Garden for dinner and, in addition to having a bowl of minestrone soup, some salad with their regular dressing, and a breadstick, I ate one of their new items, Lobster Spaghetti, which was in no way a "diet" food! Now THIS is living!!!

I know that when people hear/read that while I was away I recorded (at the end of each day) what I ate at each meal and snack, people may think that I was totally obsessed with watching what I ate. But that's not true. Yes, occasionally I did have to remind myself to make good food choices, but I wasn't afraid or preoccupied with it. Just like anyone else has to do, I made choices about what I would eat. I decided what I really wanted, and tried to eat as healthy as possible while enjoying even foods I might not have the opportunity to eat at home (because of local availability). The only limits I wound up really making were in the quantity of bread and desserts I had. Most times I didn't feel it necessary to eat an entire portion of some rich dessert, so I shared it with my husband! And, even though I might have said to myself that I could eat, say for instance, half of the Chocolate Chocolate Suicide cake with icecream (a la mode), if I felt I'd had enough I stopped! Sometimes I ate 4 or 5 spoonfuls of a dessert, sometimes half a dessert. But I knew that I made the decision, not anyone else. And I really never felt like I missed anything... because I didn't!

August 29, 2000 - Tuesday

It seems so strange to be feeling the way I do. When I see myself helping someone online who's struggling with sticking to their program, I feel good, but also amazed. It wasn't long ago that I didn't have the faith that I would ever lose more than a few pounds. I certainly didn't think that I would have the kind of inner strength I now feel. Me, who practically would salivate when passing the candy aisle in a supermarket... me, who has always struggled to stick to any kind of diet... me, who almost weighed 300 lbs... now feels like it's so simple! And yet, I can't accurately describe why I feel this way or how I got to this state of mind. I have no magic words to pass this onto anyone else. Hopefully, though, others will learn from my story that it can be done!

When someone asks me what they should do to get the "willpower" to stay on program, I have no real way to explain it. I tell them that they need to decide whether or not they really want to get healthy by shedding their extra weight. And I stress that no one can force them to lose weight -- or to eat anything in excess, which, if they do overeat, means they choose to be fat. It's their choice what they do. I guess the saying, "When it becomes more painful to suffer than to change... you will change," is true.

Other advice? Do it safely with a program like WWs that can be used for a lifetime. Find lots of support, especially from people who won't let you make excuses for your behavior. It's no one's responsibility but your own to create a good life. No one controls the fork in your hand but you. So you have to choose to do healthy things that will bring your desires into reality.

Believe that you are worthy of good things. This is something I didn't believe in (and still have trouble with in other areas of my life), but I have had what Oprah calls an "ah ha!" moment. I looked around me and suddenly realized that all sorts of people -- good and even bad people -- had good things like pretty clothes and bodies that looked good in them. So what made me any different than them?! Nothing! So I deserve to be happy, too! And since no one else can lose the weight for me, I would just have to do it myself!

Focus on enjoying life. Food doesn't make you happy... it can actually bring despair. Realize that even "naturally skinny" people usually don't eat in an unrestrained manner. They even leave food on their plate or pass up dessert! (My skinny son certainly does those things.) Put food in it's right place in your life. Eat to live, not live to eat. Yes, enjoy your food, but enjoy everything else even more!

Sept. 1, 2000 - Friday

"Conditions are never just right. People who delay action until all factors are favorable are the kind who do nothing." -- William Feather

The above statement is so true. How many times did I fail to start a diet because "I don't have all the necessary ingredients/supplies," or "I don't think I'm totally ready"? Instead of just doing something I did nothing. And I wound up gaining even more weight than if I'd at least attempted to do whatever little I could do at the time. Which only made me unhappier. Unhappy because I was gaining weight, and unhappy because I felt like such a hopeless case.

I'm so glad that, this time, I worked through my perfectionism and rejoined WWs and found BCB. Those first few weeks, when I wasn't totally "in to it" and was patient with myself, helped me ease into it. It gave me time to learn a lot from reading posts on BCB and even learn from my WWs meetings... which gave me courage and a feeling that it wasn't going to be as hard as I thought it was going to be. And I even cut back on much of the junk food I'd been eating, so I wound up losing 3.4 lbs even before using the WW program!

If only people would just take one little step towards their goal, towards happiness, they might just find that their lives would be so much better! Yes, you need at least the start of a plan, but if you wait to have everything, you could miss out on so much!

"The past cannot be changed. The future is still in your power." -- Hugh White

Sept. 19, 2000 - Tuesday

When the weigher at WWs said "You did great! You lost 3.8 lbs!" I was shocked! I never expected to lose so much. After all, Sunday I ate so many delicious things (including a slice of fried zucchini, about 1/4 of a fried mozzarella stick, mashed potatoes, garlic bread, roasted garlic, salmon, and chocolate layer cake) at my father-in-law's 90th birthday party at a wonderful Italian restaurant, and Friday I ate at Chili's (and not from their "Guiltless" menu). I know, intellectually, that I had done well all week, including exercising 3 times. I know that I didn't do badly at those restaurants, but it's hard to imagine being able to eat like I did and not only lose, but lose so much! I'm thrilled!

So far this week has been very stressful. All sorts of stuff happening. Things went wrong yesterday when I had some medical tests, and left me quite shaken and upset (so far one of the tests' results, thank goodness, have been good). Yesterday and today there were many upsetting things at work (including the possibility that I may lose some classes and thus some pay). These types of things usually would be eating triggers for me - ones that would send me running to eat lots of chocolate. Although I have had some moments I felt like I wanted to eat, they were quickly squashed. I was able, almost instinctively, to say to myself "eating won't solve the problem," and find something else to do instead (like talking to someone and also getting on the computer). I think having gotten into exercising also helped. In the back of my mind I think, "If I binge I will have wasted getting up at 6:25am to exercise!" Whatever works, right?!

My total weight loss to date is 41.2 lbs (approx. 30% of the total weight I want to lose). I am seeing some difference in my body. My stomach is "flatter." It's still big, but it is definitely smaller than before. I bought a new pair of pants and a bright red shirt for my FIL's party. Although the sizes were basically no different than most of what I've been wearing, I realize that that's because, in addition to my fat being very "compact," I'd worn most of my clothing for so long they have stretched out! I do have a few pieces of clothing that are a larger size, so that's probably the real size I fit into before. So I have lost at least one size.

It was a really good to feel better about my appearance. The new pants are a type that are more form fitting than I usually wear (the length of the blouse covers some areas that don't look so good), but actually make me look slimmer than looser ones! I got lots of compliments! The way I feel is definitely worth all the effort!

Oct. 8, 2000 - Sunday

Well, as you can see by my weight chart, last week I had my first gain (tiny -- only 2-tenths of a pound, but a gain none-the-less). Of course, this week I more than made up for it with a 5 pound weight loss! Why the gain? A combination of things. I'm not perfect (is anyone?). During the weekend it was my son's 17th birthday, it was Rosh Hashanah, and I was reacting to something that really upset me at work a few days before (the latter was probably the biggest factor). These are the facts -- not excuses!

I know that nothing can make me deviate even a little -- unless I choose to let it! So when the urge to eat occurred I could have said no to it, maybe found something to distract me (as I have in the recent past), or I could have had some veggies. What I did was allow myself to have a little extra (I didn't weigh or measure most things for two and a half days) and I had some extra low-fat brownies and tiny crunch bars. I purposely did not allow myself to go crazy and eat large quantities, so I did control my actions at least to some degree. Was it the smartest thing for me to do? Maybe not, but maybe it was -- because, if I hadn't allowed myself this leeway, knowing the way I was feeling and my past patterns of behavior (I especially get upset when I feel deprived), I probably would have wound up having a major binge, maybe for weeks or months or years! So you might call what I did "damage control."

At first I felt a bit guilty about allowing myself to deviate. But I quickly realized that I have to allow myself to be human. To be imperfect. For most of my life I hated myself because I felt I was so flawed. This self-hate only made me want to eat more and caused much emotional pain. I am trying to learn that even though I am imperfect I still deserve a good life. I think I have made great strides towards that awareness and towards a better life! I can't be positive, but I think that having had this experience may make it easier for me to be more in control the next time such a situation occurs. At least I hope so!

Oct. 25, 2000 - Wednesday

I can't believe I haven't written here in quite awhile! Well... actually, I guess I can, since I've been sooooo busy! Partly due to trying to change all my backgrounds and dividers, partly because I've been web-surfing, and partly due to stuff going on in my life. Actually... I thought I had written here! I'm so glad I checked!!!

During my web-surfing I've visited a few other personal weight-loss sites. It's so good to see the successes out there! I love reading about the successes and seeing the before, during, and after photos. One thing I've noticed is that, especially for people who have had a lot to lose, most of the people wind up not only looking much happier, they also look MUCH younger when they've lost weight! I don't think many of us pay attention to the fact that we've made ourselves look (in addition to feeling) like old people. And yet, it's important. Why should we look old before our time?!!!

Losing 50 pounds may not have made that much of a difference yet in what I can wear, but it certainly has made a difference in the way people react to me! I am getting lots of compliments. In fact, today at school we had our first of three Picture Days (a professional photographer comes to take class and individual pictures of everyone). I not only put on some make-up (I'm very sensitive to make-up, plus it takes me too much time to put it on, so I don't normally wear any), I wore a bright red silk-like button-down blouse I'd bought last month to wear to a party. Everyone kept commenting on how great I look, and one of the teachers actually ran over to me (several times) and gave me a hug and kept saying how amazing I look!!! It feels SO good! I am going to try to keep this feeling in mind. When I get discouraged I will bring it up and remind myself that I can have this feeling more often if I continue working program and then get to goal!

	--Ilene Rachel       Don't give up before the good stuff happens!
	My Late Discovery Adoptee Story       My Poetic Reflections Site NOTE: Due to Geocities closing, these two sites are read-only and I cannot update them at all.