NOVEMBER 2000'S THOUGHTS

November 11, 2000 - Saturday Evening

Well... I guess this week I got my "come upance." If I had been feeling "holier than thou" at all, I now feel quite humble. I want to apologize to everyone if I ever made it seem like I thought that they were weak if they were having trouble sticking to their Program! Yes, sometimes we can have periods where it seems "easy," but it is just as likely that there will be times when it seems "impossible" (but we must catch ourselves and remind ourselves that it IS possible to succeed)! All of this is just part of being human!

For the last few weeks I have frequently found myself hungrier than usual, and found it harder and harder to resist temptations. I doubt it's because my weight-loss required me to go to a lower Point range, because most days I have been eating the same or similar number of Points as before (this happens because of the 7-Point allowed spread within each level). Maybe it's the weather. Maybe something is bothering me emotionally. I'm not sure. Anyway, the past week was murder!

Although I had some days where I was able to keep my wits about me, a few others found me eating anywhere from a few to many Points over my allowances. This weekend in particular I practically threw the Program out the window! I'm almost afraid to go to my weigh-in tomorrow, but I will go because I can't hide from the truth. I have to be accountable for my actions, even when they're not ones I'm proud of.

I am now trying to get things under control. Losing and keeping off the weight is so very important to me, I don't want to... I CAN'T fail! If I go back to my old ways I don't know what I'll do! It makes me too depressed to be obese. And even more depressed feeling so out-of-control.

This afternoon I went with my daughter to find something to wear to a Bat Mitzvah we're going to next Saturday. Looking at the clothes in the Woman's Section got me so depressed. Of course, I had no idea what size I needed, so I wound up trying things in several sizes. You'd think it would make me feel so good that most of the things fit me either in a 20 (slightly too large in spots) or an 18 (just ever-so-slightly too small in spots). In fact, the dressy pants suit I bought is an 18! But, somehow, although I did feel better because I didn't need 22s or 24s or even 26s anymore, I still felt so... ugly! And it didn't help when, at one point, my daughter said, "You shouldn't wear anything sparkly." She says she said that because she felt that I really didn't want anything which would draw any extra attention to myself... but I just took it as, "You're just such a fat slob that you don't deserve to wear anything attractive!" {sigh} Isn't it amazing how low my self-esteem is?!

I guess this attitude of mine needs some attention. I must work on creating a new self-image of myself. One that recognizes how much I've changed, and how much better I now look, and believes that before long I will be able to wear really nice clothing and feel proud to be seen. I have to believe that it doesn't matter the size I'm in now. What's important is that I'm doing something to ensure that my size continues to shrink! (And I also have to come to terms with the fact that I am getting older. I suddenly realize that one of the things I was feeling was... old! And getting older isn't terrible!)

I think that what I may do is, from now on, post my food journals. If I create a section for them here where other people will see them, I may be less likely to deviate from Program. I certainly won't want to have it publicly seen that I am off program, so it may enable me to better resist any temptations and urges I may have! After all... I want to be an inspiration, not a poor example!!!

Sorry for this long entry. I hope you can understand that I needed to "confess." Not just for myself, but for anyone who will read this. If I only wrote that sticking to Program was always easy, it would not only be a lie, but it would not help anyone else. After all, my experiences are just like anyone else's. Sometimes the "click" is strong, and sometimes it gets lost, but if I can show that times of difficulty don't have to mean complete failure, I will be able to prove that we all can succeed!

November 14, 2000 - Tuesday, 5:25PM EST

As promised, I've added a Food Journal section. I will try to keep it as up-to-date as possible (my computer may be coming back some time tomorrow, so that will help). If I can, I will enter a day's planned (projected) meals and snacks, and then update it to reflect the actual foods eaten, etc. As you can see from my entries, so far the last few days haven't been too hard to stay in control (thank goodness)!

This morning I found another reason for last week's out-of-control emotions and muchies... my hormones (today started my Time Of Month)! I've started to go through peri-menopause, and my hormones are totally confused! Not one of the perks of being a woman! {grin} Just another thing for me to be aware of I guess. Oh... and I was also reacting (inappropriately) to my discovering on Friday night that my favorite music station on the radio was suddenly taken off the air (and the only other contemporary country music station is hard for me to tune in on most of my radios)... grrrrr!

My weigh-in definitely reflected my deviation. I gained 2.6 lbs. I guess it really could have been worse. It hurts to know that I've set myself back by a few weeks, but I cannot beat myself up over it. I'm just renewing my commitment to myself and to you to keep working at it! Here comes my mantra.... "I WILL SUCCEED!!!" {big grin}

I've added a poll (on my site's Table Of Contents) about what people who visit this site would like to see on it in the future. I want this site to be not just something for me, but for other people to benefit from, too. So, if anyone has any suggestions (whether listed on my poll or not), please feel free to email me at: Ilene's Email

November 19, 2000 - Sunday, 6:20PM ET

Yippee!!! Yahoo!!!!! Hurrah!!!!! Even with going to the Bat Mitzvah yesterday, my weigh-in results were... down 7 pounds!!!!!! I am SOOOO happy! I never expected such a big loss. I figured I'd been pretty good, so I should lose something (maybe the 2.6 lbs I'd gained last week)... but 7 lbs!!!!! Wow! Can you tell I'm dancing off the walls?! LOL I guess it just proves that if you stick with the program it works. Maybe my body likes being confused (varying Points daily and weekly, even some high-end days)? My leader says that's an important thing to realize. It's what keeps our metabolisms from getting lazy. I don't recommend gaining weight in order to do this, though. But varying Points I highly recommend!

From today on I am going to consider Sundays rather than Mondays as the start of my week of Food Journalling. I think that reflects my weigh-ins better. As far as Journalling goes, yesterday's Journal entry should show everyone that you can go to a major celebration and still lose weight!

November 26, 2000 - Sunday

4:40PM ET
Even though I've been OP for the last few days, I was nervous about today's weigh-in. I figured I was in for a gain since I'd over-indulged on Wednesday and Thursday (Thanksgiving). Well, I was pleasantly surprised when my leader (since the meeting is small, and WWs won't pay for two desk people, she had to help at the desk) weighed me and said I'd lost 1 pound! I'm truly thankful that I lost. In fact, I would have been thankful if it had been a small gain! I'm so glad I did not totally pig-out, and I got back on track as soon as Thanksgiving was over... unlike previous years! Oops... my daughter just called and she needs me to pick her up at the train station! Bye!

5:25PM
Just got back... now where was I? hmmmm....
I'm really trying to reconcile my deviations with my desire to stay OP 24/7. Obviously, if I didn't deviate I would reach my goal faster. But, no matter how much I believe in OP 24/7 I must face reality. There are times when it seems easy to be OP 24/7, and others where I guess I choose to loosen my resolve. Am I fooling myself when I think that if I didn't allow such deviations I would eventually wind up resentful and just quit??? I don't think so. I know that when I thought of Thanksgiving and tried to make myself accept OP portions, I felt resentful, but when I allowed myself to eat a little extra of things I really wanted to eat, I felt better. I still believe that the goal is to be OP 24/7, but I know -- for me, at least right now -- as long as I don't allow myself to use just anything as an excuse to eat, as long as there is good "reason" behind a deviation, and as long as it's a short-lived deviation, it seems to be working out. I know, too, that if I allow myself to feel guilty and "bad" for deviating I only feel more like eating. I guess some of the strongest emotional eating triggers for me must be resentment and guilt, so I must guard against those feelings. Does that sound just like an excuse to eat? I hope not.

December 6, 2000 - Wednesday

5:07PM EST
Since I knew that, due to picture retakes, I wouldn't get too messy at work today, I decided to wear a short-sleeved chenille (?) sweater and some decent (just slightly big) pants. I got so many compliments! People came up to me and told me I looked amazing! Now, I know I'm nowhere near being skinny, but I guess the clothes just pointed out how much of a change there's been in my shape. I think one reason it shows so much is that the sweater is more fitted than the baggy T-shirts I usually wear! I felt so good when I put it on because the last time I wore it it was extremely tight... now it's a bit loose! Yipee!

December 19, 2000 - Tuesday

5:03PM EST
The last week or so has been crazy. I am dealing with several work issues that really have thrown me for a loop (including feeling that someone I've known and trusted for around 17 years has deceived me for many, if not all, of those years). And this week is Chanukah (I haven't even done ANY shopping). Lots of stress. I wish I could say I've been strong and stayed strictly OP but I haven't. Most of last week I was pretty good... it was just the weekend that I deviated a bit (it was also my husband's birthday), so I "only" gained 4/10ths of a pound. I don't know how this week will go....
In school we made latkes (fried potato pancakes) as part of our celebration of Chanukah. I pretty much threw "abandon to the wind" and ate quite a few latkes with applesauce for lunch. And then, after coming home, I had candy and cookies. I'm not totally sure why I'm doing this. I hope it's just a brief detour (I will try to make sure it's as brief as possible). Maybe I've allowed myself to get too tired in addition to dealing with the many stressful things in my life right now.

I will not give up! I am going to consider this only as a brief break. I will try to gather myself together in the next few days... giving myself at least until my next weigh-in (Dec. 24th) to figure out what's up and how to deal with it. I know I will probably show a larger gain than the last one, but I will accept it because I know that I didn't gain this weight overnight and I can't expect myself to be perfect and lose it overnight either. Not that I'm not disappointed with myself, but I won't allow myself to feel guilty. That will only add to my stress. I am trying to learn how to love myself no matter what my imperfections. This is one of them.

After tomorrow I will have over a week off from work. Time to rest... although I will still have to get up before 8am to get ready to drive my daughter to the train station, I won't have to get up by 6:15am! Time off. Time to think. Time to catch up on some things I want to do (I hope). Time to do things to reduce the stress in my life at least a little. I hope that on Dec. 31st my weigh-in will show that I've been successful in getting a grip on things!

Thursday, December 21, 2000     7:10am ET

If you've come from my Food Journal section, you know that I haven't posted any since Dec. 12th. Although there were some days here (especially up until Dec. 16th) that were OP, many were not (some were a mixture of sticking to plan and deviating). Until I get back on track, I will not subject you to viewing inappropriate content.

This makes me feel bad. I really wanted to be a good "role model." Hopefully, though, I will be able to get back on track soon and can be an example that even though one can have a slip or fall, one can get back up and go on to success. I know I don't "sound" too sure, but I do believe it can be done. And I will try my best to prove it (I really feel that this is more of a large deviation than a complete fall). But, to be completely honest, I don't want to mislead anyone. This weight-loss journey is not always smooth sailing, and sometimes we hit a bump in the road and it throws us for a loop. Big or small, it still is unwanted and takes a lot of effort to overcome. I intend to overcome this, although it may take me a bit to do so.

There can be so many reasons to throw one off (hopefully temporarily, and only briefly) of the right path. As for me, I am very tired. I haven't been sleeping well... as is attested by my being up at this hour even though today is the first day of my school recess. I am under a lot of stress. Things at work have really pushed me to my limits, things in my marriage are not doing well, plus I am very worried about the health of both a close friend and my birth aunt. And it's a holiday. All reasons that are common to many of us. I am fully aware of the fact that my deviating means that I've chosen to do so. Nothing can make me eat... ultimately it is my choice whether or not to put food in my mouth.

So what can I do about it? What am I going to do? Well, I will not stop going to WWs, or visiting my online support groups, or writing here. I intend to work through this rough spot. Which means getting as much support as possible, and focusing my mind on trying to figure out the reason(s) for my behavior. I know that I've been able to stay OP during other, similar, times, so I must figure out why this time is different.

Am I just tired of the effort and need a break? Am I resentful? Am I too depressed? Am I not willing to face feelings I'm having? All questions I need to evaluate thoroughly. I hope you will all support me in my efforts by thinking good thoughts for me and maybe even writing me (via my guestbook or email). I am not giving up!

Speaking of my guestbook... Since I had a problem with it and had to make a new one (and lost the old entries... boo hoo), no one has made any entries in it (other than me)! I am really wondering why. Is it something about me? I know I tend to write somewhat formally, but I hope that doesn't make people think I'm stuffy or something like that! I know people are visiting this site, and I hope that it's not boring everyone! If it is, I apologize.     :(

Sunday, December 24, 2000     6:01pm ET

My weigh-in went almost as expected. I was actually surprised that I hadn't gained more weight. I'm grateful.... a gain of 3 & 4/10ths pounds is big enough! I've negated most of the month's loss. It was hard seeing it in black and white. I'm glad I keep pen-and-ink records because it really sank in when I had to write it down. I'm so grateful that I still have a week to at least get some more off for this month! I'd really hate for the month to be almost a total "loss"!

I must admit that today I'm feeling much stronger. Even though I've been hungry at times, I haven't really felt like eating things I know would be bad for me. When I went to the meeting this morning (they cancelled the 11:30 meeting because of the holiday, and I wound up going to the 9am meeting), I found that the leader had brought in mini-bagels, jellies, cream cheese, milk, and coffee for everyone! At first I wasn't going to have anything, but then I decided to have a mini bagel with approximately 1 TBL of jelly. I knew that I was going to a grocery store right after the meeting, so it actually was better that I didn't go totally hungry! So I made that my breakfast, and had a glass of milk later. Since then I've only had an ounce of PretzelStix and an apple, so I still have lots of Points left for this evening. I'll probably have trouble using them, especially since I've planned to have fish for dinner! Well, I'd rather have to find something to use the Points on than have to worry about going over Points!!!

I've really made my mind up to get back on track. I keep reminding myself of what I felt when I was at my top weight. The feelings of self-hatred that I never want to go back to. And I keep reminding myself how good I'll feel when I can consistently get into normal size clothes! That's a BIG motivation for me! And it helps to know that my weight-loss will help me feel better about looking for a new job after school's over (or just before). Before I would use my weight as an excuse. Now that I look more "normal" (and will be even more so by June) I can't do that anymore! And I certainly won't let my fear of looking for a new job make me regain the weight. No way!!! I deserve some happiness, and I will work hard to help get it!

Thursday, December 28, 2000     1:58pm ET

I am so tired. I haven't been sleeping well (story of my life). My depression seems to be cycling in and out. I had a few good days OP, but yesterday and today... forget it! On Tuesday my husband and I went into the city to see the space show at the Planetarium (see my photo page for a picture of me taken there). I actually did pretty well, even though I'm sure the delicious dinner at the Ocean Restaurant made it a high Point day. Yesterday things started off well, but then, while my daughter and I went shopping at the mall, the depression hit. After the mall I dropped Jenna off at home and went to the grocery for milk, OJ, and something for dinner (I was supposed to have cooked a Turkey, but all the unexpected mall shopping resulted in our finishing too late). I came home with lots more (especially things I shouldn't have). I knew what I was doing, but I just didn't seem to have the strength to force myself to make the right choices. I am hoping that once I'm back at work next Tuesday, and hopefully back into my exercising, things will get better. Pray for me!

	--Ilene Rachel       Don't give up before the good stuff happens!
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