JANUARY 2001'S THOUGHTS

Friday, January 5, 2001

6:25pm ET
Just wanted to let everyone know that, as of January 1st, I have been OP 100%! I am back on track! And feeling good about it!

Today I've been a bit hungrier than usual. It's so strange. The only different thing I did was that, in addition to the frozen WW meal I had for lunch, I ate a small salad with fat-free salad dressing. You'd think I would be less hungry, not more! Go figure!

January 8, 2001 - Monday

7:38PM EST
This past week's dedication to getting back on track really paid off at weigh-in time. Even though I was really only OP for 6 days, I lost 6.8 pounds! Which means I lost all the weight I'd gained... plus 1.8 lbs! Yippee! It feels good to see that. In addition to eating correctly, I'd also exercised most days.

Yesterday I cannot say if I definitely was OP, although I think I was, or at least was close. For breakfast I had cereal, milk, and orange juice (total: 6 Pts). In the afternoon I drove 2 hours to visit my birth-relatives to belatedly celebrate Chanukah with them. For dinner (which was also lunch for me) my b-aunt served Kosher Chinese Food. I took a little of each thing and didn't go back for seconds. For dessert I had some pineapple slices (which had been packed in juice, not heavy syrup). I also had 2 Hershey's Kisses when I got home because I really had a craving for something chocolate. I think I did really well considering the menu was totally out of my control!

This week I may have another day where I will be eating out at a place I don't have a Points list for. Saturday night my family may go out to celebrate my in-laws' 57th anniversary and my daughter's belated 20th birthday. I would rather do it on Sunday, but my husband prefers Saturday since Sunday is when his store is belatedly having their Holiday celebration at a restaurant (wives are allowed, but my husband really didn't invite me -- and I'd rather not go anyway). The final decision will be my in-laws' of course. My m-i-l told me that she'd like to go to the restaurant we'd celebrated my husband's birthday at. It's basically a seafood place... really, really good food! I did okay the last time (maybe not perfect, but I didn't pig-out or anything), so it should be okay for me.

Having lost the abovementioned weight really makes me feel so good. I am progressing again, and my spirit is high! I'm making a micro-mini-goal to lose 10 lbs during the next 5 to 6 weeks, which would bring me just under 200 lbs! That would be soooo nice!

January 21, 2001 - Sunday

4:26PM EST
Oh how I wish I could write that I'd done well this week! Last week I'd lost another 1.6 lbs, making a 2 week total of 8.4 lbs down.... This week I negated it and more! I gained 8.8 lbs! Boy did I blow my "micro-mini-goal"!

The entire week I've been very depressed. I think mostly due to stuff happening at work. I know for sure now that I've been lied to for years by my director, and that even though I've been there longer than all but one other teacher.... I make the least! More than $4 to $5 per hour less! And she still has the audacity to ask me to do extra favors for her (like drive her home even during my lunch break, or spend my time at home making fliers)! I've started looking into finding another job. Actually, I'm looking into changing careers. Maybe I can put my computer skills to use, although I will have to practice using a PC since I usually use a MAC. I'll probably wait until the school year is over before seriously seeking a job, but I am keeping my "ears open." Anyway... the depression has struck hard and my mood has been terrible, and so has my eating. I am trying hard to get back on track as of today. I hate not only disappointing myself, but everyone else who is watching for my progress. But, as I've probably said before, I must do this for ME! So I will keep plugging away no matter what. I will succeed!

FEBRUARY 2001'S THOUGHTS

February 4, 2001 - Sunday

2:39PM EST
If you've been watching my weight chart you know I'm still see-sawing. One week good, one week bad. This week's the later (although not the worst). I realize I'm eating over my emotions (and I've been sick this past week). The emotional issues are more than just the job stuff. Major life issues that I'm finally acknowledging. I know it's not great that I'm doing this. I know it would be best to learn not to handle my stress with food. I am trying. But believe me--my present behavior is a LOT better than it used to be! In the past I would just keep on eating. At least I'm putting the breaks on AND I'm not giving up. I'm grateful for any progress I'm making, even if it's not resulting in a continuing weight-loss right now. I am working on improving. Going in small baby steps. It's the final result that matters, and maybe I just need this time to get myself "together." Here's my mantra: "I will succeed!"

February 18, 2001 - Sunday

3:55PM EST
Last week I never got to my WW meeting. Woke up too late. I probably also was semi-unconsciously avoiding the scale. This week I decided I had to "bite the bullet" and see what the damage from the last few weeks came to. I gained 7.6 lbs. Which isn't as bad as what I did in just one week in January, but it's "bad" enough. Essentially I've ruined over 3 months of weight-loss effort. So far today I've been fine. I've even resisted the Hershey's Kisses in a tin near me (one of the things I've been bingeing on lately).

I haven't spent much time trying to figure out what has been going on. I did realize earlier that I feel... frightened. I'm not sure if I'm just afraid of becoming very obese again, or I'm frightened of succeeding in getting to goal. I feel a lot of anxiety. My life has been so stress-filled (work, marriage, children, health, etc.), and I just felt so overwhelmed and resentful. I resented having so many problems, and I resented not being able to not worry about what I ate. I guess I've had a case of the "it's not fair's."

On a good note... I went to a wedding this week. I bought a long shift-like black dress to wear under the sparkly jacket that came as part of the pant set I wore to the bat mitzvah a few months back. I also bought some new shoes! I haven't bought new black dress shoes in so many years! The ones I'd been wearing were bought when Lane Bryant sold shoes in their stores (which is quite a long time ago). There were many women at the wedding who had similar shoes, so I really felt in style for a change! I got LOTS of compliments from everyone. Not just from the people who hadn't seen me since September 1998 (at the groom's sister's wedding), but from my birthmother and other birth relatives who saw me last on January 7th. They liked what I wore and just can't get over how much I've lost so far.

I keep hoping that my success will spur my birthmother and birthaunt to lose weight. So far it hasn't (although I do think my birthmom is thinking more and more of it, but she just doubts her ability to succeed). Some of my cousins have lost a little weight, although I doubt it's because of me. I know I can't push them, and I know that I can't let their behavior influence me either. I am going to lose this weight. And I am going to do it because I want to do it for ME! "I WILL SUCCEED!"

February 25, 2001 - Sunday

4:47PM EST
Just got through updating all my charts (except the line graph). Phew. A big job! It was nice being able to show a nice-size loss for the week. But it wasn't so nice to have to admit to not only having the totals for the month show a weight gain, but my measurements suffered a bit, too. I will look at it positively, though... my weight charts could have been a lot worse if I hadn't been OP this week... my monthly chart would have shown at least a 9 lbs gain - probably more, and some of my measurements did stay the same (and one even went down a tiny bit). Every little bit helps!

I also learned something I hope I will remember. I am definitely lactose and fat intolerant. And I will have a reaction if I have milk products several days in a row, even if the quantity isn't a lot! I proved this because, after having just 2 TBL of cream cheese for 3 days straight, some ice cream one night, an extra glass of milk on Wednesday, and a dinner which included some extra fats and chocolate mousse on Thursday, I wound up missing part of the 2nd act of "Annie Get Your Gun" (on Broadway, starring my favorite country singer, Reba - who was fantastic, BTW) after the aforementioned dinner because I wound up having to run to the bathroom! Grrrrr! I'd been looking forward to the play for about a month, and was really, really enjoying it (as was everyone else in the theatre) and I wound up in the bathroom - crying in frustration - with diarrhea! From now on I will have to be aware of what this day-to-day intake, especially if I know I will be going somewhere special! I don't wish IBD/Crohn's on anyone!!!

MARCH 2001'S THOUGHTS

March 18, 2001 - Sunday

4:13PM EST
Well, as you can see from my chart, the last two weeks have been a struggle. Last week I made the decision to not go to my WW meeting and this week I just got up too late to go, so for both weeks my recorded weight is from my new digital scale (with the same clothes as I normally wear to WW weigh-ins). My depression has been really hitting me hard, and I have had little, if any, will power. I'm happy that the results aren't worse. I think if I hadn't kept in contact with the private support group I belong to, things would have been worse. I really hope that this week will be better. Passover is early next month, and I don't want to go into that tricky period with a gain already in place! I am still trying. "I will succeed!"

	-- Ilene Rachel       Don't give up before the good stuff happens!
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