SEPTEMBER 2002'S THOUGHTS

September 25, 2002 - Wednesday

11:12pm ET
It’s been a long time since I’ve written here. I wonder if many people even visit anymore. I guess it doesn’t really matter, because I started this for myself, but I did hope I would help others, too. Anyway, It’s been a hard year plus. I quit my teaching job, went back to school (graduated with a 4.0 GPA), and switched careers. I was very lucky (sort-of) to have found a job as a Medical Transcriptionist (I’d been given some medical terminology and transcription courses at the business school because my computer skills were more advanced than most students who attend it) even though my terminology and transcription knowledge/skills were minimal at best. Unfortunately, two weeks shy of being there 6 months (when they would have to decide upon a raise), they decided that they no longer needed an in-office transcriptionist. Because they already had enough at-home transcriptionists, I was totally out of a job. Losing the job really came as a shock, and I was really devastated.

I haven’t looked too hard for another position yet. I don’t feel really qualified for most of the medical transcription jobs I see in the classifieds, and I am having some self-doubts as to my ability to handle certain aspects of some of the secretarial/administrative assistant positions, too. What I think I may do is apply at some employment agencies for temporary positions. That may help me get some self-confidence in addition to recent experience, which may help me eventually get a full-time position. I’d stay home and be a lady of leisure, but we really need the money! ;-)

As far as my weight-loss efforts go, I have been up and down. I have not given up hope, and still attend Weight Watcher meetings most weeks. I have even gone back to attending Overeaters Anonymous meetings (sometimes online ones). My mind has really been a mess. Of course, I realize that most of my reasons for not sticking to my plan are excuses, but at the moment I’m doing the best I can. I know I have to find a way to address my clinical depression, because I feel it has a lot to do with my inability to sticking to doing what I know I need to do. Hopefully, one day soon I’ll be back on a straight path to health again!

APRIL 2004'S THOUGHTS

April 4, 2004 - Sunday

12:03 AM EST
Well, it's been a really long time since I've updated anything around here. Unfortunately, I can't say I've lost or maintained. I must be truthfull and say I've gained. I'm now at the heaviest I've ever been - 296.5 lbs.

It's not that WWs failed me. I failed it. Mentally I just couldn't keep it up. From things I've read, it's very possible that genetics had to do with it. My birth mother and most of the females in her family are either morbidly or super morbidly obese, so it makes it harder to control. Although some people who are super morbidly obese like me can lose a lot of weight and keep it off, I don't seem to be one of them.

For the last 3 to 6 months I have been investigating the various weight loss surgeries. There are a few women who either worked or are working where I've been working for the past year (I'm now an Administrative Assistant at a health insurance company) who have had the Roux-en-Y (RNY) gastric bypass surgery and are doing great. They, plus people on Obesityhelp.com have helped me learn about the surgery and have inspired me.

I read, discussed, and thought about it a lot, and have started the process. I've had an evaluation by the bariatric surgeon's Physician's Assistant (PA), a psychological evaluation, one of 5 meetings with a nutritionist, and an abdominal sonogram and chest x-rays. I have appointments in the next few weeks for gastroenterology (GI), pulmonary (lung) and cardiac (heart) consultations. I will be going for lab tests (no appointment necessary - just a prescription for the specific tests the surgeon wants done) this week and also arranging for a sleep study. My GI appointment is this week, and they will schedule me for an endoscopy. So, barring any unseen complications, I am moving along well.

I know that many people believe such surgery is the easy way out. It isn't. Not only does the surgery itself have risks, but afterwards there are complications that may arise (especially if a person doesn't follow instructions and eats incorrectly or doesn't start moving shortly after the surgery). The surgery is just a tool. It helps a person to lose 50 to 80 per cent of the weight s/he wants to lose fairly quickly, but if the person doesn't eat carefully and exercise s/he won't lose the desired amount, and may slowly stretch the new, smaller, stomach out and even regain the lost weight.

I will have to gradually go from a totally clear diet, to a full liquid diet, to a puree diet, and then to gradually adding regular food as my body tolerates it. For the rest of my life I will have to make sure to have protein shakes in addition to my food, and take various vitamin supplements to ensure that I don't wind up with deficiencies or malnutrition. I will have to not only watch the types of food I ingest, but eat very small portions. No more soda for me - it will cause severe gas. Sweets and fatty foods will most likely cause a dumping syndrome, so those are out, too (if I'm one of the lucky ones, my desire for sweets - which has been my downfall - will be eliminated, though). I will have to work up to exercising 6 to 7 days a week if I want to have the body I desire. I will probably also eventually need at least a panniculectomy (basically a tummy tuck, except they don't tighten the abdominal muscles) after I've lost all I want to lose since the likelihood of my stomach skin shrinking enough not to become a real problem is very small (that is usually a much more painful surgery than bypass surgery). And I will have to have frequent checkups and frequent blood tests for the rest of my life to make sure everything is okay. All this is not so easy, is it?!!!

I hope everyone will wish me well and support my efforts, just as I would support them in whatever they chose to do (other than something like bulemia, which is a very unhealthy thing to do, although even then I would be there for the person).

SEPTEMBER AND OCTOBER 2004'S THOUGHTS

September 19, 2004 - Sunday

12:06 AM ET
I did it! I had the gastric bypass surgery! It was done on June 22nd. The surgeon requested that I try to lose some weight beforehand, so I did lose 20.5 lbs before the surgery. I have lost another 48 lbs since the surgery (in just about 3 months time). Even better, my body measurements are decreasing nicely. And I feel fine!

It was a hard decision. A few times before the surgery I got nervous and questioned if I was doing the right thing, but I kept coming to the conclusion I was. I wouldn't advise this for someone who hasn't tried lots of weight loss attempts, but I do think it definitely is a wonderful thing for someone like me who has tried and tried and not been able to get down to goal or maintain a large loss. I just wish I'd done it when I was younger!

It is so nice to be able to rise from a chair and not be groaning and moaning because my knees hurt so much. It was like a miracle - by a week or so after the surgery, without even realizing it, my arthritic knees no longer tortured me! That's not to say that they never bother me, but now they basically only give me a twinge here and there when I've been squatting in one position for a long time! I have more energy than I've had in a long, long, long time. I still get tired, but not nearly as bad. Even my depression has gotten better!

I know that the surgery is just a tool, though. It is helping me lose, but will not prevent me from regaining if I choose to eat stupidly. I know that I will need to forever be careful about what I eat, and should always make exercise a part of my life, too. It's just that now I have more hope that I can succeed, because the surgery has changed things to help me succeed. It's sort of as if I have a constant source of strength and support - right inside me! But it's one I will always have to appreciate and pay attention to, too.

October 31, 2004 - Sunday

4:56 PM ET
Things have been going pretty well for me. I've now lost a total of 89 lbs - 68.5 since my surgery. Amazingly, I can eat more than I thought I would be able to. Protein foods are the easiest for me to eat (and are what I'm supposed to focus on anyway), non-starchy vegetables next easiest. Starchy things such as bread or bagels make me feel... uncomfortable, which helps me resist them. Strangely enough, I'm actually able to eat some sweets - I've tried some Tootsie Roll Midgies - and as long as I don't eat more than two at a time, I'm fine (other than a bit of extra gas). Part of me wishes that I couldn't tolerate the sweets so that I would have an easier time of resisting them. I guess I will just have to learn to control myself! ;-)

I have started to do a little more exercising. That's the area I've not been too good at following through with. Many times I've come home meaning to exercise, and just get caught up in "stuff" and then I have to make dinner and/or I'm too tired to exercise. Stupid of me. But I don't want to get down on myself. I keep trying and I'm improving in small steps.

I just realized - I've barely updated my job situation here! As I said I might, I did apply to some temporary agencies, plus I applied online and by fax to some jobs from ads. In October 2002 the temp agency, Manpower, placed me as an Administrative Assistant for a health care insurance company. I worked on an off there as a temp from October 2002 through March 2003. At the end of April 2003 the company hired me as a permanent employee, and that's where I still work. It takes me less than half an hour (usually) to get to work, so it's pretty convenient. And the pay is decent, too. The work itself is not too difficult, but there's a lot of pressure since everything needs to be done within State mandated time frames. Right now we're swamped with work, so it's quite stressful trying to keep on top of it all. I think, if it weren't for the gastric bypass, I probably would be gaining weight rather than losing weight since I eat when I'm stressed!

Right now it's really great hearing the words of praise in regard to my weight loss that I get at work. Even though I'm not the first employee to have the surgery (the woman who inspired me is now a size 6/8 and looks fantastic), they call me the incredible shrinking woman. One co-worker keeps telling me how proud she is of me and that she thinks my success will help her battle her own demon - smoking. I hope it does! Another co-worker, who I'm very friendly with, has started the process towards the surgery herself. She's hit a rock in the road, though. Her cardiologist won't approve her. She just went to my cardiologist, and is going through more tests. I hope that he will approve her, even if he needs to set special conditions (like requiring that he be present at the surgery). She is so unhappy since her life is considerably negatively affected by her weight, including having diabetes. Please pray for her!

AUGUST THROUGH SEPTEMBER 2012'S THOUGHTS

August 22, 2012 - Wednesday

1:50AM ET
For a long time I was unable to access this site. I even lost the info on it! Got lucky and found it again. LOL

A lot has happened since I last wrote in 2004. In 2005, after I'd lost over 100-lbs, I went on the Obesity Help cruise to Alaska. The excursions I chose to go on during the cruise were so active, that I actually lost about 7-lbs! :-) I no longer work for the insurance company. Worked there for about 4 years. About a year after they let me go (long story I won't go into except to say that it was basically due to my very mean/crazy supervisor) the company folded anyway. I just didn't have the emotional strength to go through the interview process again, so I basically retired even though we could use the money. My daughter got engaged and she and her fiance may wind up moving to Ireland for the company he works for, which would be a lot further away from me in NY than from where they live now in CT. My son moved out and I haven't seen him in months. My father-in-law passed away in July of 2011, and my mother-in-law died this May. We finally renovated the house. Actually wound up doing more than expected due to lots of damage that was found and weirdness done by the original contractor, which resulted in using up a lot of our retirement money. Plus, after the majority of the house was done, a leak that appeared through our almost brand-new den ceiling turned out to be from the bathroom above it, so we wound up having to have that bathroom completely redone, too. Even less money for retirement and for helping my kids.

As for my weight, I had lost, via the Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass, a total of 134.5 pounds in about a year and a half, but unfortunately not only did I never get to my goal weight, I regained 76 of those lost pounds. The surgeon who performed my RNY did not have a very organized or consistent support system. Nor was he very strict. He actually told me at some point that I could eat pretty much anything I wanted as long as it didn't cause dumping, but that I should eat in moderation. If I could eat in moderation, especially when I'm emotional or depressed, I would not have been almost 300 lbs!!! So I wound up noshing - especially on chocolate and cookies - a lot. Thus the 76-lb regain. That doctor actually stopped doing bariatric surgery about two years after he did mine, btw.

I became very depressed. My life became very limited. I was becoming more and more withdrawn. Hardly participated in any out-of-the-house activities, especially if they involved people. Hardly did anything other than eat and sit at my computer. Sometime in March this year (2012) I had really had it with the way I was. I realized that the way I was living was not even close to a normal life. I did a lot of re-examining my life and slowly got back on track. I have since released 44 lbs, for a total of 102.5 lbs gone from a top weight of 299.5 lbs (I think the original charts and comments here show 296.5, but that wasn't my top at home weight - not sure why I used that slightly lower weight, but will use the higher number from this point on). I now try to say that I've released the weight because other terms like lost weight imply the weight can be found again! Little mind tricks, but whatever helps!!!

When I started getting serious about making changes to my life, I kind-of went a bit overboard. LOL Not only did I attend the Back On Track Workshops - 6 weekly sessions - designed by BSCI (Bariatric Support Centers International) that my new bariatric doctor's social worker runs (of course, for a fee) and did the reading and assignments it involved, but I read lots of related books. Especially ones that have assignments that make you think and write. I also joined online and real-time support groups and forums. I really examined, over and over, my various motivations and goals, and still do. I began tracking everything I ate or drank, using some of the online sites that are available (especially SparkPeople.com, which has trackers, articles, and groups/"teams" of other people like myself who are trying to get healthier). I even started doing some exercise, although that's where I often fall behind in my efforts. One of the real-time support groups I've joined (Long Island Post-Ops) helps not only with emotional support and information, but with spurring me on to exercise and be active. Sometimes if the weather is good, after a meeting some of us walk around the track (the meetings are held at a large park in my town). Because of the group, one of my goals is to be able to at least walk a 5K marathon. Although recently I missed out on going skydiving with the group (too expensive and my daughter and husband didn't want me to do it), I'm hoping they will go ziplining and that I'll be able to go with them.

I am really focusing on ME. Trying to remember that I am THE priority. That I want to not only lose weight and keep it off, but be healthy and live a more active life. I am trying hard to work on the mental/emotional aspects of my behavior, since that's really where my problems start. I am constantly reminding myself that, especially when it comes to eating, I make the choice of what to do. My mantra: Don't trade what you want most for what you want at the moment. I have printed my mantra out and it is displayed on the wall opposite my computer, on my refrigerator, and at the spot where I eat my meals. It really is very important to me.

I know that there's no guarantee that I will succeed this time around, but I am going to try to do whatever I can to! Earlier today I realized that, since I am 62-years-old now, this is probably my last chance to get it right. I pray that I can keep the motivation up and finally succeed in this struggle for health.

Hopefully I'll continue updating things here. I don't know if anyone ever sees this, but it's probably good for me to do!

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	-- Ilene Rachel       Don't give up before the good stuff happens!
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