Aunt Noreen: Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
Stuart Larkin: The alcoholic?
Aunt Noreen: No...
Stuart Larkin: The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
Aunt Noreen: No...
Stuart Larkin: Then you must be the ugly one.
Doreen Larkin: Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
Stuart Larkin: I'm sorry you're ugly.
Stuart Larkin: [talking to the Tooth Fairy] Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about the smoking?
Stuart Larkin: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
Stuart Larkin: Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.
Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about lying?
Stuart Larkin: Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
Piano Teacher: Okay, Stuart. Have you practiced?
Stuart Larkin: Hm hmm.
Piano Teacher: You're not lying to me are you, Stuart?
Stuart Larkin: [evil voice] If I said I did it, I did it!
Stuart Larkin: My mom said it's okay to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a can-do attitude.
Stuart Larkin: Look What I can do!
Doreen Larkin: Stuart's father left us on Tues-dee.
Stuart Larkin: Let me do it.
