Baby, It’s You
by ~Silk
Part 2
“Jesus, Jim.” Blair
ignored his own pain, sublimating his own feelings to Jim’s, as usual.
Jim dimly registered
Sandburg’s agitated voice. Heard him consciously shift gears, slipping into
Guide Mode. His voice evening out, calmer, more controlled. Trust you, Chief.
You always put me first. Why didn’t I notice that before?
“Listen to my voice,
Jim. Come back to me.” Blair winced inwardly, trying not to hear what he was
saying to Jim. It was too much like discovering what was really in his heart.
What he wanted and could never have.
All at once Jim shook
himself out of his apparent stupor, his eyes suddenly focused again. On his
Guide’s face. Those beautiful blue eyes, that full sensual mouth, even that
hair, long dark curls, sometimes red, sometimes gold, mixed amidst the brown.
He longed to touch it. Just once. Run his fingers through it. See if it was as
silky as it looked. Forbidden thoughts, those. Thoughts of touching.
Want you, want to touch
you, Chief. I know it’s wrong, and it would change everything forever. But I
need it. Like I need air to breathe. Cause I’m dying here, trapped in my own
little inner world that you can’t enter.
Sandburg’s eyes, cloudy
with pain and unshed tears, darted away, as if he could read Jim’s thoughts.
Rejecting him. Jim. And his unwanted feelings.
Jim straightened,
drawing himself up to his full, not so inconsiderable height. Raking a hand over
his close-cropped hair, he took a deep breath. And pushed Sandburg away.
“I gotta go, Chief. I’m
gonna be late as it is.”
Sandburg swallowed hard.
“I’d better tell you then. You’ll find out anyway.”
“What?”
“They pulled my
ridealong privileges, man.”
“No way, Chief. I’ll
talk to Simon. We’ll get this fixed.” Jim was rambling. Work, life without
Sandburg? No. He couldn’t deal with this now.
“That was Simon who
called, Jim. He wanted to break the news personally. Before I came in to the
station. I think he thought if he did it there, I might, I dunno, lose it.”
“How come he didn’t tell
me first, Chief? I don’t get it. This has got to be negotiable. It always has
been before.”
“I dunno, Jim. The
powers that be don’t understand this thing. I mean, come on, sometimes neither
do I. How could they know?” Know what you really mean to me. I am going to be
so lost without you, Jim.
“I can’t do this without
you, Chief.” Jim’s whisper sounded tortured, like it was being wrung out of
him.
“Sure you can.” Sandburg
gave him the incandescent smile he was noted for. Perky right up until the end.
Blair wanted to race into the bathroom and heave his guts out.
The big man seemed to
shrink right before Blair’s eyes. “I
don’t want to do this without you, Chief.” That was closer to the truth. Read
between the fucking lines, Chief. Hear what I’m *not* saying.
“Yeah, well...it’s gonna
put a helluva crimp in things over at Rainier.”
“Your diss! Chief, how
will you finish? They--”
Sandburg wanted to laugh
and sob at the same time. Jim was no caveman. He was actually surprisingly
intellectual, though he wasn’t comfortable with everyone knowing that. But when
it came to plain old, garden-variety, common sense, Jim could almost be
depended upon to miss the fucking point.
“Jim, it’s not the diss
I’m worried about, man. Gods, I am so not worried about that.”
“Then what?” Jim was
frowning again. Maybe simple, in his face emotion *was* too much for him to
comprehend.
“It’s you.” That wasn’t
half bad. Sandburg thought he managed to put just the right tone of regret into
his voice. Jim would think it was about their friendship, and it was. But it
was so much more. And he could cry to think of what would never be.
“Me? Sandburg, what are
you talking about? Words of one syllable, please.”
“Jim...there’s like no
reason for me to be here anymore, man. You don’t need me.”
“I do need you, Chief.”
Sandburg looked pained.
He tilted his head, his long curls falling into his face, hiding his
too-expressive eyes. “Not enough.”
“Not enough? Chief,
you’re talking in riddles here. I need you. More than you know.”
“Not that way.”
“What way? Help me out
here, Darwin. You’ve lost me completely.”
Sandburg’s head came up,
and Jim bit back what he had been going to say. The agony in Sandburg’s eyes
was genuine. “That’s it, Jim.”
“What’s it, Chief?”
Sandburg blinked and
shuddered. He was always cold. Always. But now, he was positively freezing. He
might never get warm again.
“I’ve lost you
completely.”