Behind Blue Eyes
By Silk
Part 2
It wasn't like Sandburg
was an invited guest. He wasn't. He was, in fact,
abducted at gunpoint.
Sad to say, it was not the first time. Or even the
third. Or fifth. As Jim
Ellison's partner, he was continually subjected to
things that only police
officers, or God forbid, hostages, might endure.
But Jim Ellison was a
detective with the police department in Cascade,
Washington. Blair...ah,
Blair Sandburg enjoyed, if such a word could be
applied to his
situation, all of the privileges of being shot at, kidnapped,
poisoned, drugged, and
dragged into a helicopter thousands of feet in the
air. All of this on the
strength of his credentials as an observer. Not a
police officer.
Not that it mattered.
Sandburg did all those things and more, but not
because he lusted after
a change in career. No, he did those things to stay
at the side of his
Sentinel. He would have followed Jim Ellison anywhere. In
fact, he often did. But
like an everpresent shadow, he was taken for
granted. Until the day
he died.
Wouldn't Section have
been interested in the details of that particular day?
Tell us how you died,
Dr. Sandburg. Well, there was this woman...and then a
fountain...and...are you
sure you want to hear about this? Oh, yes, Dr.
Sandburg.
It wasn't one of his
happier memories. Obviously. People could talk all they
wanted about the
near-death experiences they had, but they weren't anything
like this. That mystical
bonding was what brought Sandburg back. His animal
spirit, the wolf, and
Jim's animal spirit, the black jaguar, literally
merged, becoming one
entity. It brought Sandburg back to life. But it didn't
make him happy.
What would have made him
happy would have been Jim admitting that he loved
Blair, in every sense of
the word. That was what Blair longed for. That was
what he never got. No,
Jim said, "I'm not ready to go there with you,
Chief." Now whether
he meant that he couldn't make their relationship
physical was a question
that tortured Blair. Sometimes.... Sometimes he
thought that he wouldn't
even mind if Jim never touched him again...if he
would only tell him that
he was in love with him.
But that would never
happen. Not now.
Once Sandburg's
dissertation was released, it didn't matter that he had no
hand in it, however
small. It didn't matter that once again, his mother, who
popped in and out of his
life like that cute witch Samantha's mother on
Bewitched, ran roughshod
over his wishes, trampling the essence of his
dreams under her
unwitting feet. It didn't matter because of how Jim
reacted.
He didn't trust Blair.
He pushed him away. No more careless caresses. No
more hugs. No more
"I love you, Chief," even if it *didn't* mean what Blair
wanted.
So Blair did the only
thing he could have done and still stay true to his
heart. He gave it all
up. His life's work. Because nothing meant *anything*
without Jim in his life.
Even now, if he let his mind linger too long on
that press conference, he
could feel the unshed tears choking his throat. It
wasn't about the public
humiliation. God knew, he had little enough
self-esteem as it was.
He never placed a very high value on himself. No one
wanted him, at least not
enough to brave the obstacles he put in their way.
Only Jim had gotten
inside his meager defenses. And he would do anything to
keep him there.
No, when he announced
that he was a fraud, his dissertation a fake, he
chilled to see how
willing the public and the university were to believe
him. But like a Sentinel
subtext, the real message was meant for Sentinel
ears alone. I love you,
Jim. I'm doing this for *you*. I was wrong. It
wasn't about friendship
at all. It was about me loving you so much...I would
die for you. I *did* die
for you, man. But I *came back* for you, too, Jim.
And now, if you can't
hear me, if you can't love me back, I *will* die, man.
Cause I got nothing
left. Not a goddamn thing.