Title: Offline

Author/pseudonym: Silk

Email address: silkn1@worldnet.att.net

Rating: PG

Pairings: Jim/Blair

Date: 2/18/01

Series/Sequel: Technical Problems

Category: Series: Technical Problems, First Times

Author's website: https://www.angelfire.com/ny4/tinsel/

Disclaimer: Jim and Blair don't belong to me, but if they did, I would take real good care of 'em. No money is being made here either. More's the pity.

Summary: Blair thinks he needs someone else in his life.

Warnings: m/m, angst

*****

Offline

By Silk

It all started with the emails. You know me. Gregarious to a fault. Make that *two* faults. I thought I was in a rut. Going to the Cascade P.D. almost everyday with Jim. Working on the doctoral dissertation from Hell when I'm at home. Fitting in the Anthro 101 classes I teach at Rainier when I'm not doing either of the other two.

I could see how you might get the wrong idea. I have so much going on. How could I possibly feel like I'm getting stale?

If you could hear me sigh, you would feel sorry for me. Trust me.

I wanted to meet new people. I wanted to use my lap for something besides holding the laptop, dammit.

Oh, I know. My reputation precedes me. You've heard the squawk about me being a ladies' man. Good ole Sandburg, he'll hump anything, including the proverbial table leg. That last remark comes to you courtesy of my roommate, the strong, stoic type. Notice I didn't say strong, silent type. Jim Ellison is a cop, a detective with Major Crime. He *can* be silent, but being stoic is so much more his thing.

Anyway, as I was saying: I *have* been a ladies' man. For a lotta years, too. Say, from cradle to, um, now? But I've never had a significant relationship with one. I'm not sure why. But maybe it has something to do with genes. Or maybe it's just the alignment of the planets.

The point is, whenever I have had a meaningful relationship, it's been with a *man*. So okay, I should have said that I was looking to meet new men. Only there haven't really been any *old* men. Not since I moved in with Jim.

Wow. I bet there's an important clue there.

I want Jim. No, that's not right. I want to have a relationship with him. No, that's not right either. I already have one. More than one. I'm his friend, his *best* friend, no less, his unofficial partner at the PD, and his Guide. Note the order of those three things. I think my head automatically arranged them by priority.

I'm in love with him.

Shit, just thinking that out loud gives me the shivers. Scary for a commitment-shy guy like me. Only-I really want to be with him. So much it makes my fucking teeth ache. Not to mention a couple of other places, too.

But I can't. Jim is so straight, his spine would complain if he bent over to pick something up.

I can't tell him how I feel. What if it ruined what we *do* have? I couldn't stand losing that. Sigh.

Hence, the decision to cruise online.

Not that anyone could ever replace Jim. But I thought, maybe there's someone out there who wouldn't find the idea of getting romantically involved with me totally repugnant.

Maybe.

So I started making the rounds of the chatrooms. I cybered a couple of times. Just to take the edge off, I swear.

And then it happened. I met him. The one who had the power to make me forget Jim.

I never expected that. Hell, that really scared me shitless. I wasn't sure I could, you know, separate all these different feelings I was having. What if this new guy became my *everything*? How would that affect my friendship with Jim?

What's that saying? Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it.

Here I was, finally holding the hand, well, virtually, of a man who could love me *that* way without any trouble whatsoever. I should have been so fucking happy, I should have been peeling myself off the walls.

So how come I feel like crying?

End