Title: Lost Promise

Author/pseudonym: Silk

Email address: silkn1@worldnet.att.net

Rating: R

Pairings: J/B

Status: Complete

Date: 5/11/01

Series/Sequel: This is Part 1 of a still-unnamed trilogy.

Category: Drama

Author's website: https://www.angelfire.com/ny4/tinsel/

Disclaimer: All things Sentinel owned by Pet Fly and Paramount. Not me. No money being made here either.

Notes: This is from Jim's perspective. Set post-TSbyBS, this is nothing but an excuse for angst. The R rating is for language, not sex.

Summary: Jim contemplates Blair's importance in his life.

Warnings: m/m, angst

*****

Lost Promise

By Silk

I let him down. He gave up everything he held dear for me. What further proof did I need that he loves me? And still I let him down.

Because I wasn't ready to take the next step.

He proved that he was willing to do whatever it took to continue being my partner. He went to the Academy. He cut his beautiful hair. I wept that day. I went into the bathroom and I fucking cried. Over and over I could hear him denouncing himself as a fraud. Him. The truest soul I've ever known.

I should have protected him. I should have told him that he had to live his own life now, make himself happy. But I didn't. I couldn't.

Because I'm a selfish bastard. I didn't want him to leave me. I refused to act on the feelings that grow more and more intense every day. But I wouldn't take what he offered freely.

I let him down. Again. It seems like the only thing I know how to do. I can't keep him, but I can't let him go.

He's not really mine to keep. I have even less right to pretend that I have a say in whether he stays or goes.

A long time ago, I promised myself that when the time came, when the damned dissertation was over and done with, I would allow him to make his own decision about the future. How could he possibly want what I want? I don't even know what I want.

That's a lie.

Yes, I do. I want him. I want him so badly, sometimes I have to clench my teeth together to keep from screaming out loud. Because what I fear most are the words. The words I want to say, but can't. The words that clog my throat and choke off my air.

Because it's not about friendship. It's not even really about lust.

I have no right to own these words. I have no right to seize him, possess him, or desire him. But I do.

God forgive me because I know I can't. And I won't ask if he can. I'd give up what little time I have left on this Earth if he could finally see what I feel compelled to hide.

If I could tell him one thing, it wouldn't be what you think. Because it's not three words. It's five. I can't live without you. And even though I don't deserve to ask, I will.

Please don't leave me. Ever.

End