A Door
Into a New World
By
Tinnean
Episode
6: My Soul's Best Part
"Can I forget the night that gave my soul's best part forever to the grave?" –Gray
I woke
up in the FBI man’s bed, my arms wrapped around him, nuzzling the fine hairs at
the nape of his neck. If I could only get through the wall he had built around
himself. “Bobby...”
“No.
I...this is as far as it goes, Ben. Once this thing with the ants is finished,
then *we’re* finished!”
“Why
won’t you give me a chance? Doesn’t how I can make you feel in bed count for
anything? Is it all the men I’ve fucked? I swear I’m through with that! You’ll
be the only one in my life!”
“Leopards
can’t change their spots, Ben. Sooner or later you’ll grow bored with fidelity
and start looking at other men. And it’s not only you. *I* can’t deal with
this, with *us*! My family, my friends, my job, I’d be trading all of that for
you.”
I felt
as if something inside me was shriveling up and dying. “I see. And you don’t
think I’m worth it. Fine!” I rolled over and got out of bed.
“Ben...”
“Put a
stone on it, Graham and get dressed! Like General James said, this is going to
be a hell of a day.”
It was
the day from hell, thanks to those goddamned, fucking ants. It was filled with
anxiety and tension and simmering passion as well.
And that
was thanks to the man I loved.
I had
nothing more to say to Bob. In spite of the fantastic sex I'd given him the
night before he believed...I don't know *what* he believed, but I *do* know it
wasn't that I loved him. For some reason he couldn't, or wouldn't accept the
fact that I spoke the truth.
And
goddamn it, I had my pride! I didn't have to go begging some tight-assed FBI
agent to love me. He was just a neophyte, a rank amateur when it came to the
game of love! Whereas I've gotten any guy I wanted, just by looking interested!
I didn't
need Bob! I would be back to my tom-cattin' ways in the blink of an eye!
Just as
soon as I got over the big guy. And it wouldn’t take me too long to do that,
either.
Only
about fifty or a hundred years.
****
Dr.
Medford, Pat and the two generals were already at the command post by the time
we got there. Bob walked over to Pat and kissed her on the cheek. His stride
was so stiff, I would have sworn he had a roll of quarters up his ass. It took
a conscious act of will to tear my eyes from him.
To find
that Pat was watching me with dawning awareness. I bit off a curse and turned
away, but not before I saw her regarding the FBI man's swollen lip with
unconcealed interest. The last thing I wanted was to screw up Bob's life. If
his superiors in D.C. ever discovered he had developed a preference for his own
sex, he's be bounced out on that ass I admired so greatly.
Meanwhile,
General James was giving the beautiful entomologist an extensive and thorough
once-over. General O'Brien frowned as he observed the army man's appraisal. He
draped his arm possessively over Pat's shoulders and pulled her close to his body.
Pat was
so focused on the problem at hand that she had no idea the two male's were
ready to square off over her. Her attention was riveted on the city grid that
displayed the miles of storm drain that ran under Los Angeles, pointing out
possibilities to her father.
Dr.
Medford was aware, however. The old rogue rubbed his hands in delight. Bob
might no longer be a contender in the marriage stakes, but here were two fine
specimens of potent male! Whoever his daughter wound up with was immaterial to
him. She might be unconcerned with starting a family, but he wanted her to
settle down and produce a brood of little scientists.
And he
wanted her to do that while he was
still alive to enjoy them!
He
smiled and turned back to the map, calling the two military men to join them.
He made sure Pat was between their toned bodies. They might be generals, but
they were both in excellent physical shape. Dark brown eyes dueled with fierce
blue ones until Pat unwittingly made the choice by leaning against General O’Brien.
Well,
that settled her love life. Now if I could only do something about mine!
Bob was
dressed in fatigues, and it was all I could do not to swallow my tongue. He
settled a steel helmet over his light brown hair and strapped a pistol to his
trim waist. “Colonel Kibby and I are taking the first set of drains. General
James will be traveling with you. Keep your dick in your pants, okay, hot
shot?”
I
grabbed his arm. “Are you jealous, College boy?”
He
stared pointedly at his arm but I refused to release him. Then he seemed to
surrender and sighed. “Yes I’m jealous. We’re all wrong for each other, but I
can’t bear the thought of you being with someone else.”
“You’re
the only one I want!”
“Right.”
I
dropped Bob's arm as if I was burned. I was *his* dammit! Why didn’t he realize
that?
He
turned on his heel, his experience in the military evident in the fluid motion
of his body. Colonel Kibby joined him, gave me a tight smile. They took a jeep
and headed out to examine the storm drain Pat thought might be a likely site
for the nest.
And I
was left standing there with my dick in my hand.
'You
*stupid*, *fucking* idiot!' I castigated myself, weary beyond belief. 'Did you
really expect better from a college boy? Did you think he'd bring you home to
meet Mom and Dad?'
Well,
yes. I *had* thought that... hoped that.
I
couldn't believe I had left myself open for such hurt! All these years, in the
Navy, on the State force, I had protected my heart, knowing there was more out
there, but not willing to risk reaching for it.
A soft
touch on my arm jerked me out of the funk I had tumbled into. I pulled myself
together. "Right, Pat! I'm good to go. Who's my partner?"
"My
guess would be Bob!" Her eyes were so compassionate I had to bite my lip to keep it from quivering. "No,
don't say anything. I only *look* as if I couldn't hold two thoughts together.
Listen Ben. Bob is a good man, and he's worth fighting for."
"You
didn't seem to think so!"
"It
just didn't work out between us, Ben. And considering how he seems to feel
about you, I guess now I can figure out why. Don't let him go. He needs to be
loved so badly."
"And
you think I'm a likely candidate for that?" I laughed harshly. "I
wish he thought so, but he's already pushing me out of his life. Why would he
want a New Mexico State police sergeant when there are high-ranking men in the
FBI and the armed forces who would kill for a taste of him? And don't you think
he knows that?"
"And
men say women are emotional!" Pat shook her head and turned away as
General O'Brien approached us. "Hi, Bob," she said softly, her eyes
caressing his well-muscled torso.
General
James watched them morosely, and suddenly I felt much better.
The
General was my partner, not only in this bug hunt, but in the misery that kept
us company as well. We got into our jeep and began scouting the drains, searching for any sign that the ants, or the
two little boys were nearby.
And then
I caught a whiff of an odor that caused my gut to tighten. "Stop the
jeep!" I ordered in a harsh whisper as I fought back the urge to vomit. I
was out of the vehicle and ghosting cautiously toward a join in the drain.
General James had the sense to let me search out the terrain alone.
"Petersen?"
The General was getting nervous.
"Oh,
God, formic acid!" I sprinted back to the jeep to get the chart. My hands
were shaking as I spread it out over the hood. "Radio Dr. Medford! Let him
know where we are and tell him there's a strong smell of formic acid in this
drain!"
I was
trying to trace the line when the General came back. "They're converging
on this site. They want us to wait until they get here!" Carefully he
examined the schematic I was following. "It's 267."
"Huh?"
"This
drain. It's 267. They're still working on it, and there are work lights rigged
up the whole length of it!"
"Well,
there is a God! Tell them to get the lights turned on!" I pulled a flame thrower from the back of
the jeep and strapped it on. It’s weight was comforting. "You wait here,
Sir! Tell them which way I've gone. I'm going to look for those boys!" I
paused for one brief moment. "If anything should happen to me...tell Bob
Graham I meant every word I said to him!"
"You
can't..." He grabbed my arm.
"Move
it, or lose it, General!" I said shortly, glaring down at his hand. If I
didn’t act soon, I’d fall apart. I was so scared I wanted to be anyplace else
but there.
"Petersen!"
I turned
sharply from him and began to make my way to the joining drain. The odor was almost
overpowering, and I put a hand over my mouth and nose and began breathing
shallowly.
And then
I heard that sound, that high-pitched scree, scree, scree and the muzzle of the
flame thrower slipped in my sweaty palm. I needed two hands to hold it, and
when I took my hand away from my nose, the smell washed over me.
Brood
odor! I had to be near the egg chamber!
"General,
tell them I'm getting a strong brood odor, like in the nest in New
Mexico!" I called back as I edged on down the tunnel. "Mike! Jerry!
Are you there, boys?"
I held
my breath and heard nothing. And then, 'Here! We're in here!"
My
breath hitched in my chest and I closed my eyes and breathed a silent,
"Thank you God!" I was so relieved. "It's all right, Mike. It's
all right, Jerry! We're going to get you out of there! Just stay put!"
"Hurry!
Please hurry!" I could hear the terror in the little boy's voice.
"I'm
on my way, Mike!"
"I'm
Jerry!" The reply was almost reproachful, and I gave a snort of laughter.
He was a scrapper, and his quick thinking had kept him and his younger brother
alive for over twenty-four hours.
"Sorry,
Jerry. Hold on tight, I'm on my way!"
The
drain turned once more and the join became narrow and low and I was down
crawling on my belly. For about twenty feet I inched my way forward. It felt as
if I was crawling inside Jonah’s whale, it was so dark.
And then
wonder of wonders, the lights went on! Just a few feet in front of me was the
end of the tube. I edged forward until I was able to get a clear view of the
chamber below me.
Twisted
metal rods, slag heaps of broken concrete, loose sand. And there in the corner,
cowering away from one of the larger ants, were the two Lodge boys. "Don't
move until I say!" I ordered them as I eased the weapon into position.
"Okay,
now!"
The boys
scrambled out of the way and I triggered the flame thrower. The screeching
reached a crescendo and then abruptly ceased as the ant collapsed and died, its
appendages crisping. I swung my legs around and got my feet out of the tunnel
and dropped to the floor of the chamber.
Still in
a crouch, I scanned the large area. I could hear the ants, but I could see
none. I bolted across the open space and got to the boys.
"You
kids okay?" I asked as I gave them a quick pat down to make sure
everything was in working order.
They
nodded. Mike, the younger one, looked shame-faced as he ducked his head.
"I threw up all over myself!" he whispered. "I was so
scared!"
I put my
arms around him and gathered him close, then pulled his brother into the hug as
well. "It's all right, Mike. I want to toss my cookies myself every time I
see one of these big babies!"
"You
do?" The thought that an adult could lose his lunch when confronting the
ants seemed to give him some consolation.
"How
about you, Jerry? How are you?"
"I
wanted to throw up, but I had to be strong for Mike. Daddy would have wanted me
to!"
"Yes,
he would, son. And your Dad would have been so proud of you."
"Is
he...? His eyes were frightened, and I knew he didn't want to ask the question.
"We'll
talk about that later. Right now your Mom is really worried about you. What do
you say I get you back to her?"
Jerry
buried his head in my shoulder and I could feel the material grow damp as he
silently wept. He wasn’t stupid. He had seen all that blood, and he knew his
father hadn’t made it.
The
ear-piercing sound of an approaching ant had the three of us spinning around
toward the direction it came from. "Okay, boys, time for all good little
scouts to make like an egg and beat it!"
I
hustled them over to the opening of the drain and hoisted up Mike. The weight
of the flame thrower encumbered me too much, and I had to put him down and
wriggle out of the harness.
I could
hear the ant somewhere behind us.
The boys
were whimpering in fear. Escape was so close, but so was the ant. I boosted
Mike back up to safety and then reached for Jerry, glancing frantically over my
shoulder.
It
loomed up, filling my vision, as big as the world, and I bit back a whimper of
my own.
“C’mon,
Jerry, let’s get you up there with your brother!” I tried to keep my voice
even, but my mouth was so dry I could hardly get a word out. Mike reached down
to grab his brother’s wrists and pull. “That’s the boy, Mike. Pull hard. Jerry,
here you go!”
The
small boy toppled backwards as his brother catapulted onto him. They were
safely out of harm’s way.
I ducked
down to pick up the flame thrower when the cement wall I was facing shattered
and exploded, shards striking my face, narrowly missing my eyes. A piece sliced
my forehead and blood poured out, obscuring my vision, but not enough that I
couldn’t see the huge mandibles draw back for another blow.
My hands
were trembling as I aligned the weapon and managed to pull the trigger. A
stream of flame rolled toward the ant, engulfing it. The chamber was suddenly
silent except for the crackling of fire as the creature roasted.
I
dropped the flame thrower and jumped up to catch the lip of the opening. My
toes scrabbled for a foothold and I began to chin myself up to the shelter of
the drain. Blood dripped into my eyes and I tried to clear my sight by mopping
it up on my shoulder.
The
boys’ shrill cries rang in my ears, but I resolutely ignored them. Just a
couple of feet now, just a little bit farther.
And then
something closed around my ribs and began to squeeze. The blood rushed to my
head and a haze of pain blinded me. It was so great I couldn’t even scream a
protest. *Not now*, not when I had finally found the one man I had spent my
entire life looking for!
It was
becoming harder and harder to breathe as the pressure on my ribcage increased.
A shout
of rage pierced the cloud that was enveloping my senses, and the rat-tat-tat of
a machine gun vied with the ant’s high-pitched screeches.
And then
there was just the sound of the burp gun as the ant died and the mandibles went
slack, releasing me. I dropped to the floor of the chamber, waves of pain
washing over me.
“Ben!” Somehow,
Bob was there. “The boys, Ben!”
“Safe,”
I choked out around a mouthful of blood. I spit it out and winced as I tried to
breathe. “Up there.”
The boys
were looking down from what seemed like a million miles away. Bob switched on
his radio. “The boys are safe. Tell Mrs. Lodge we have them. And get me a
goddamned medic!” He left the channel open.
“You
forgot to say ‘over’,” I laughed weakly.
“Ben,
you’re going to be all right!”
“Don’t
think so, big guy. That was one huge, fucking ant! I think I’m about ready to
buy the farm!”
“No, you
can’t die! I WON’T LET YOU DIE! BEN!”
I opened
my eyes. It couldn’t be raining, we were underground. Another drop fell on my
lips, and I could taste the salt.
Tears.
“Bobby, ‘sokay. I love you, big guy. Never lied to you about that. I lo...” It
was too difficult to speak. And I was so tired. I’d just sleep for a little
while. When I woke up, I’d find some way to make him believe me. I’d...
****
The two
figures stood in the doorway of the hospital room. “You’ll make sure he gets my
message?” Bob was saying to Pat.
“As soon
as he comes to. You know he’s doing much better now. The doctors are confident
he’ll make a complete recovery. Are you sure you don’t want to stay and give
him the message yourself?”
“No.
There’s no future for us, with me in Washington and him in New Mexico. You
can’t have a bi-coastal relationship. It just can’t be done!”
“I think
you’re just too afraid of your feelings to give it a chance.” She held up her
hand to forestall his protest. “I’m won’t try to argue you into anything Bob.
Just do me a favor: remember how you felt with me, and then remember how *he*
made you feel.” She reached up to kiss his cheek.
The FBI
agent looked torn, twisting his hat in his hands. “It’s better this way Pat,
believe me. Whatever we might have between us, it just wouldn’t work. Can you
see how my father would react if I brought him home to dinner? Can you imagine
how J. Edgar would respond if I took him to a company function? No, I can’t do
this!”
He
walked over to the bed. The hand placed limply on the covers was losing its
tan. Bob touched it, then took it in his own hand and raised it to his lips. He
pressed a brief kiss to the palm and closed Ben’s fingers over it. “I do love
you, Ben. I know it doesn’t look like it, but I do. Take care of yourself!” He
leaned over and kissed the pale forehead, marred with scars that would be a
while fading.
“Pat.”
There wasn’t anything left to say. He returned her kiss and left the room. She
listened until she could no longer hear his footsteps.
General
O’Brien joined her. “Is there anything I can do to help?”
She
rubbed his cheek gently. “You’re a dear, Bob. Can you get him reinstated at the
Bureau?”
The
General smiled and put his arm around her shoulders. “There’s no need for me to
do that: Haven’t you been reading the papers? He’s a national hero! Hoover
won’t dare deny him a promotion. The President has already announced his plans
to honor Graham with the Congressional Medal of Merit! Hollywood wants to make
a movie about the whole thing!”
Pat
shook her head and smiled tolerantly. “That’s the most amazing aspect of this terrible, horrible experience! A
movie!”
“Well,
we can relax about it now, but it really was a close call. You found those
queens hatching out just in time to destroy the whole egg chamber. One more
day...”
“Yes.”
She shuddered. “Don’t think about it, Bob. It didn’t happen.”
“No it
didn’t.” He drew a deep breath. “So, when are you going to marry me?”
****
I was
miserable. I thought with enough time, enough space, I’d get over Ben. But it
was almost a year later, and it constantly surprised me that I could walk
around without a heart. Apparently, I had left mine in a Los Angeles hospital
room.
J. Edgar
hadn’t been too happy to see me back at the Bureau. He *still* didn’t
understand that I would say nothing about what had happened.
President
Eisenhower was so pleased with my performance, and how it reflected on the
Bureau and his administration, that I was reinstated, with a raise and a promotion,
and all lost back pay!
And J.
Edgar watched it all with a sick smile on his face.
He was
back to giving me the tough assignments no one else could handle, but that was
all right with me. I didn’t have much to live for anyway.
I had
just returned from the latest investigation, this one in Alaska. An
unidentified flying object was reported to have crashed and sunk into the ice,
and it’s pilot had been recovered. He? It? Whatever it was had somehow managed
to survive.
According
to the small band of scientists and military personnel who were stranded at the
base by severe weather, they had been under some kind of assault. Dr.
Carrington, the chief scientist, had suffered injuries from the attack.
Actually,
the injuries he sustained were caused by me, when he tried getting closer to me
than I liked. Since Ben, there had been no one, neither female nor male, in my
life. Or in my bed.
My arm
had been broken when I tripped over my own feet, during the final confrontation
with whatever had piloted the craft.
Of
course, human know-how had triumphed, and Earth was once again safe for all
mankind!
****
So, now
I was back in D.C., my feet up on an ottoman, a scotch on the rocks in my good
hand. I was scheduled to get a partner, the first time I had ever been assigned
one, and I was in a generally sour mood.
All I
wanted was Ben. I figured I had fucked that up so royally, I could kiss any
chance of having him again goodbye.
But I
was getting desperate. As soon as the cast came off my arm, I planned on flying
back to New Mexico to see if there was any thing I could do to win him back.
I lost
myself in my favorite daydream, the one where I wasn’t such a coward and took
Ben back to Washington with me. The one where he let me fuck him, sliding my
cock into his ass and stroking him as he had often stroked me, making him beg
and plead, until he cried out with fulfillment.
I was
hard, and I put down my drink to do something about it, when there was a soft
knock on my door. “Fuck!”
“Bob? It’s
Pat! Let me in?”
What did
Pat want? She had let me know, in no uncertain terms, that she was most unhappy
with my behavior toward the New Mexico cop. I wasn’t in the mood to get chewed
out.
Unless
Ben was doing the chewing.
For a
moment, I sat silently, hoping she would think no one was home. Then, “I *know*
you’re in there, Robert Arthur Graham! Now let me in!”
When Pat
used my full name, it didn’t pay to try to fight her: she meant business. I
sighed and went to the door. “Hi, there, Pat!” I said, a false smile pasted on
my face and jocularity in my voice.
“You
look like hell!” Never one to mince
words, Our Pat.
“And I
love you too!”
“No you
don’t. You never did! You’re still pining for that cop out in New Mexico!”
“That’s
my affair, I believe,” I said shortly. “Why are you here, Pat? I thought you
and the General were on your honeymoon.”
Her face
glowed. She had never looked like that when she was keeping company with me.
“We
were. We are. I just had to stop by and see you. How is everything going, with
you, Bob?”
I
shrugged and picked up my drink. “Want one?” I offered.
“No, I
shouldn’t have any.”
“You’re
not pregnant are you?”
She
looked affronted. “Of course not! I have a very important seminar I am giving
tomorrow and I will need to be extremely alert!”
“Oh. So,
if I’m not about to be an uncle by proxy, what, exactly, did you have to see me
about?”
“Well,
J. Edgar wanted you to meet your new
partner.”
“Now? It
couldn’t wait until my wing heals?”
“Listen,
Bob Graham!”
Hmm, she
was still angry, but not as much as before.
“Dad
went to a lot of trouble to get this guy transferred into the Bureau, and he
had to pull even more strings to have him assigned as your partner. *I* had to
spend a lot of time tutoring him so he could graduate with the rest of his
class! So a little appreciation on *your* part would be nice!”
“Oh,
really? Why? Why should I be so excited about a partner, especially since I
don’t want one, and I don’t need one?”
Pat went
to the door and flung it open with a flourish.
“Bobby.”
The
glass fell from my hand.
He stood
there, dark, curly hair, and blue, blue eyes, crushing his hat in his hands.
The door
closed quietly behind Pat, but neither of us noticed.
We were
locked in each other’s arms.
End