Title: The Violence of Words

Author/pseudonym: Silk

Email address: silkn1@worldnet.att.net

Rating: R

Pairings: J/B

Status: Complete

Date: 5/12/01

Series/Sequel: Part 3 (and the end) of a still-unnamed trilogy.

Category: First Times, Drama

Author's website: https://www.angelfire.com/ny4/tinsel/

Disclaimer: All things Sentinel belong to Pet Fly and Paramount. Not me. No money being made either.

Notes: Once again from Jim's perspective, this story is a sequel to I Need Him To Know and completes the trilogy.

Summary: An act of desperation leads to an act of love.

Warnings: m/m, angst

*****

The Violence of Words

By Silk

"Where are you going, Chief?"

"Out."

"Um...I see. Where?"

His nostrils flared as he spun around to face me. I suppose it was a minor improvement over staring at his back. Then again, I don't think I'd ever seen that particular look in his eyes before.

"Don't you understand English, man? I said out. Out means fucking *out*."

"Are you angry about something, Chief?"

"Gee, I wonder where you got that idea, Jim," he drawled sarcastically.

I had a hard time looking him right in the eye. He saw too much. He always did. "Are you..." I cleared my throat, suddenly aware that my voice gave away just as much as my eyes. "Are you coming back?"

His dark blue eyes glittered like the cold, hard jewels they resembled. "Would you care?"

That startled me out of my skin. My face might be a study in apathy, but my heart was thudding a hundred miles a minute. "Of course I care, Chief."

"How much?"

I could feel a headache coming on, just like that. Sudden, sharp, striking with an intensity I was defenseless against. My forehead creased as I narrowed my eyes. "What do you mean how much?"

"I used to think you were just clueless. Now I've got to wonder how you ever managed to make detective, Jim."

"You mean a lot to me, Blair. You know that."

"Do I? How would I know that, Jim? You-" He threw up his hands and shook himself like a worried terrier. For a moment, I thought he was going to continue on to the door. Then he stopped, his eyes gone crystalline with unshed tears, his lower lip trembling with the effort of holding back some, *what?*, emotion.

"I *hate* you, man," he whispered.

Like poison-tipped arrows, those words pierced my heart. Fuck, they tore me wide open. I was bleeding to death. But my one consolation was that I'd die as I'd lived. *Alone*. At least I wouldn't be taking him with me.

I didn't realize that I'd sunk to my knees until much later.

I didn't realize that I was clinging to Blair's legs, my breath coming in harsh gasps.

Suddenly I could feel his hands in my hair. His muttered imprecations were unintelligible to me. The only thing that registered was the fact that he was sobbing. Almost as hard as I was.

"You schmuck. You dumb schmuck," he finally managed to say.

He knelt in front of me, dislodging my grip on his limbs. Without missing a beat, I plunged both hands into his dark curls, anchoring him to me. "Don't go, Blair. Please."

"Give me one good reason."

If I hadn't already been crying, I would have wept. If wishes were horses, this beggar would ride. "I need you."

He looked disappointed. With a gentle shake of his head, he said, "I know, Jim."

"No, no," I said. Desperation was making me stupid. I had to make him understand. "I need you. For me."

He frowned, not quite sure what to make of that last piece of information. Take that intuitive leap, Chief. Please.

"Not cause you're a Sentinel and I'm your Guide?" he asked at last.

"Yes!" I shouted.

"Oh, I get it. You're tired of getting fucked over by women, so now you're switching to guys."

He started to stand up, but he was unprepared for my reaction. Hell, so was I. "No! The *only* one I want is you!"

"For what, Jim? I'm tired of dancing around this, man. You're killing me here."

At the sound of *that* word, I shut down. I found out afterwards that I screamed Blair's name, but I don't remember it. When I came to, my head was in Blair's lap. His hands felt cool against my hot cheeks. I could have zoned on his touch, but then I would have lost the moment...and I needed to collect as many moments as I could as a hedge against the day he would inevitably leave me.

My eyes were closed. I could hear him murmuring to me, soothingly, just like he always did, but wait...what was he saying? Oh, God, tell me I'm awake and not dreaming this.

"Come back, come back to me, Jim." His voice sounded faded, almost worn-out, but there was an underlying edge to it, something that convinced me that this time, it was *personal*.

"It can't end this way. I won't let you do this, Jim. Do you hear me? I love you. Oh, God, I love you." His fingertips fluttered nervously around my face, like butterflies suddenly set free to fly.

I told you he was the truest soul I've ever known. Like that, he looked into my heart and plucked the words that mattered right from that gaping wound, healing it in the process.

"Blair...."

"Jim?" he squeaked. I swear I've never been so glad to hear that excited noise in my life.

He hovered over me, his now medium-length hair dangling in my face, its scent redolent of jasmine and green tea and tears. I reached up with one hand and pulled him down the rest of the way. Our lips met for the first time. I swallowed his sharp intake of breath as his mouth opened to mine.

I wound my fingers through his hair, determined to hold him right where he was for as long as I could. Who needed words when there was this?

But though I held off as long as I dared, I knew he deserved to know exactly where he stood. He owned me, my sweet, sensitive, bright-as-the-sun Blair. He lit up all the dark places inside me. It was time he knew that. It was time he claimed the power he had over me.

Tucking my face close to his ear, I whispered, "I love you, Blair."

I felt the shudder that went through him. I drew back and opened my eyes fully, savoring the effect of the words on him. "Will you come live with me and be my love?"

"And stay forever?"

I nodded, feeling tears threaten for the second time in as many hours. "And stay forever."

"And sleep in your bed?"

"And sleep in my bed."

"And never ever ask me to leave you again?" Blair's voice broke.

"Never ever."

"Cross your heart and hope to die?"

I kissed him. God help me, if I have one weakness, it's him. But he's also my greatest strength.

I couldn't live without him.

Now I won't have to.

End