Titlle: Watch Them Fall
Author: Northlight
email: uzenet@videotron.ca
Summary: Buffy isn't quite as unobservant as she's often portrayed...
Distribution: Ask -- I'll say yes. Also heading off towards "http://members.spree.com/sip1/northlight12/will/index.htm"
Disclaimer: Joss'.
Date: Sept. 17, 1999

I think I was the first to see it.

He came back, every now and then, when things here were getting too wild for me to handle on my own. At first, during those torturous visits, all they'd do was smile or nod at each other across the room. And then, Angel's visits came closer and closer together until he could barely claim to be living in L.A.

I can't actually remember what we were doing when it happened, but the moment itself burned itself straight into my long term memory. As Angel kept on coming back, he and Willow had gradually inched towards each other until you could predict the one's location by where the other stood. It was a soft, unfamiliar sound that caught me first. And I looked up from whatever text Giles had pressed into my hands, and caught the tail end of Angel's laughter playing out across his face.

And I _knew_.

There were times when I hated Angel -- when he stood before me, untouchable, my heart caught in his hands... When I loved him with such intensity that every breath I took was agony. When he broke up with me for my own good. And I wanted nothing more than to be able to exorcise him from my life.

But even when I hated him the most, I always loved him still. My first love, my first lover, the Romeo to my Juliette... bells and whistles and fireworks and all. Even then, though, when both of us craved the other most, I never saw that look in his eyes.

He rarely smiled for me; laughed even less; and most of the time, even when his body was pressed against mine, his tongue sweeping through my mouth, I felt miles away from him.

I looked at them, and I swear, I saw that distance collapsing between them. Friendly and comfortable... and of them all, I saw what would come next. The hesitant first kiss. Growing passion. Love springing up so fast and so strong that they would have no choice by to approach me, hesitant and reluctant to hurt me, as if I'd lash out in my pain and tear them both apart.

It all played out before me, as if it had already happened and the world was just waiting for me to catch up. I think I must have made some sort of noise, because Willow was looking at me with concern. All sweetness and light, and God help me, for a moment I wanted nothing more than to see her shrivel up and blow away. When I looked towards Angel, the love I'd always seen directed towards me was still there but duller, somehow. I think I actually felt my heart break at that moment. The greatest love of my life, and his fully established feelings for me were being eclipsed by feelings for Willow that weren't even fully there yet!

I wanted to pull them apart, to shuttle Willow aside and hold onto Angel for myself. He had captured me so fully that it seemed so very unfair that my hold over his heart wasn't as absolute. I'd been willing to die for him, to _kill_ for him... and it wasn't enough -- not enough to keep him at my side, and not enough to keep his heart with me.

I tried so very hard to close my eyes to it, to pretend that he still loved me as much as I did him. Damned hard, considering that he kept on coming back, and that light in his eyes kept on brightening every time.

The thought crossed my mind, more than once -- but not once did I try to change the flow of their relationship. Because as much as I love Angel, as much as my life feels empty and hollow without his presence -- I know he needs her.

So I watched them fall -- saw the flush in her cheeks whenever Angel was in sight; the constant, furtive touches....

And when they told me, I smiled for them, told them how happy I was that they had found love. And I smiled through that night until my face felt like it was about to crack... until I crawled into my empty bed and buried my head in my pillow, sobbing, while across the room we shared, Willow dreamed of her Angel.

~End~