Part Nine Of
THE PARADISE SERIES
By Bitch Willow
Rating: PG or PG-13. Your choice.
Classification: Willow/Spike
Disclaimer: I don't own Willow or Spike, or any of the BTVS characters. None.
Summary: Willow tries to clear up what happened with her and Spike.
Author's Note: Let's say that Beer Bad happened only to the extent of the stuff
with Oz and Veruca. This takes place the morning after 'Savage Garden.'
Standing hesitantly outside the door to Spike's apartment, Willow shook her head and sighed to herself. < Oh, yeah. This is definitely a bad idea, > she thought. < I might as well just go walk into a lion's cage. Or find Oz when he's wolfing and unchain him. >
The thought of Oz brought a pang to her heart. < But Oz would rather be off playing with Veruca and her band. Shy, my ass. If Veruca was any less shy she'd have taken her clothes off and danced naked in front of Oz. And he would've just sat there and watched. >
Of course, being jealous of Oz and Veruca felt really hypocritical right now, especially since she had cheated on him again, even after he'd forgiven her for the Xander thing. Even when he didn't know about the first Spike thing. Could he smell Spike on her, now that his wolfy senses were even stronger? Was that why he was fixating on this skanky lead singer Faith-chick?
It didn't really matter. The only thing that mattered right now was finding out what had happened with her and Spike. Getting their friendship back on track.
They had been friends for a while. She'd ignored the feelings that came screaming back to her whenever he was around; she'd ignored the way he looked at her oddly sometimes, as if he were on the edge of remembering... She'd ignored how much they touched each other, how close they'd gotten over such a short amount of time. But she couldn't ignore this.
Gathering her courage, she raised her hand and knocked on the door.
"What is it?" a very pissed off English voice called from within.
"Uh, Spike? It's me. Willow? Can I come in?"
A moment of silence, and then. "Jus' a second."
< Please just answer the door before I lose my courage, > Willow begged internally. After a second or two, the door opened, revealing Spike's haggard-looking face. "Come in," he said, brushing back his unruly blond hair.
She walked past him into the living room, then gasped. "Spike, what the hell happened here?" It looked like he'd slaughtered a cow. A fat one, who ran around a lot first. A twisted pentagram was drawn in black ink on the floor, and a pair of blood-caked black jeans lay in the corner.
"Don't worry," he said from behind her. "It's mine."
She turned to face him, just a little nervous that he had closed the door behind her. "What do you mean, it's yours? How...why?"
He closed his eyes, speaking slowly and carefully as if each word cut his tongue, like razors. "I was having some...dreams. About you."
"Me?" She was drawn to him like a magnet, and he raised his arms as she slowly approached. She pulled his shirt off with careful hands, then gasped at the bloody symbols cut into a pattern on his chest and back.
She ran her fingers over a mutated circle. "About killing you," he continued in a choked voice. Willow looked up at him with a gasp, but continued to softly touch the cuts on him.
"Since when?" she asked in a low voice.
"Since Halloween." Their eyes met, and his eyes were so blue that it hurt. He reached down to stroke her face, and she arched into the cold touch. < Please, never stop, > she thought crazily. "But I've been dreaming of you...since last year."
< What? > Willow stiffened and pulled away from him. "What happened last year?" she asked in a measured tone.
Spike swallowed uneasily. She could see the muscles of his throat move under the skin. "I kissed you. Then I fell in love with you."
It felt like her stomach had fallen out. < Oh...God. > "What? You...you remembered? And you didn't tell me?!"
He tried to grab her arm. "Will?"
"Don't touch me!" She pulled away from him, her fury overwhelming even her common sense. "You let me get close to you, all the time worried that you'd remember, that everything would change. And all the time you knew." Tears were gathering in her eyes, blurring her vision. "You bastard."
"I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to ruin everything between us. I didn't want... I wanted you to have a normal life."
"A normal life? With a werewolf? With memories of your mouth and your hands on me inside of my head? You lied to me, Spike, and you can't justify that."
He shook his head, reddish tears coming to fill his eyes. "I love yo--"
"Don't say that!" She covered her ears with her hands. "You don't mean it, so don't say it."
He ran to her, forcing her hands away from her ears and grabbing her wrists. "I do," he spit out. "I do, and I try to stop it, but I can't. It's how I feel, goddammit."
Willow yanked her hands away from him. "Well, it's not how I feel."
His face collapsed. "That's not true."
She bit her hand, trying to keep her sobs under control. "It is. I don't love you. I can't."
"Why not?" < God, his eyes are so blue...so sincere... > She gathered her strength, although by now she was shaking with the effort. Her every instinct told her to take him in her arms...to believe him. To claim him and love him the way that he wanted to be loved. But...
"Oz," she said, her voice shaky. Spike's face closed down, becoming as white and smooth as a piece of paper. Only his cheekbones, sharp enough to cut glass, and his eyes, widened pools of pure blue, showed any emotion.
He nodded. "Of course. Oz. Because you love him so much." His voice was mocking, angry.
"I do," she said, but the claim sounded empty to even her own ears. "I do." She tried again, but it came out sounding the same.
Spike grinned cruelly. "Then why's he at the Bronze, drooling over some girl wolf while you're here with me?"
"Girl wolf?" < What the hell is he talking about? >
"Oh yeh. Veruca, that singer? She ain't human, sweetheart. Pure animal, if you ask me. You've seen how he reacts when she's onstage..." His voice went low, lascivious. Willow felt her face start to burn. "Only someone of his kind could get that kind of reaction out of him. Am I right?"
Her hand hit his face before either of them realized it. "I never want to see you again," she spat. "Ever. Come near me and I'll let Buffy stake you. I mean it."
He grinned and wiped a bit of blood from the side of his mouth. "What'll you tell her? That I make your blood boil? That your heart speeds up whenever you see me? Because it does. And it doesn't for him. That's all I know, pet. That you look at me the way you never look at him."
Willow shrugged. "I'm attracted to you. Okay? But that's all. I could never in a million years love you. You're cold, and bitter, and soulless. I hate you."
She spun on her heel and headed for the door. "Pet?" he called.
"What?" Her voice could have cut steel.
"Have fun trying to kiss that puppy when you're thinking about me."
She laughed. "I'm never thinking about you, Spike." Going out into the hall, she slammed the door behind her, then leaned against it for support. Tears were still inching down her face, and she shuddered.
< Why did I lie to him? >
< Because you had to. >
< Why do I still love him? >
< Because I can't help it, > she realized, collapsing against the door.
THE END
Very short, I know! I?m sorry! More next time.