Title: I'm not on drugs! I swear! (1/1)
Author: Charity A.K.A. BOB1
Email: charibob@aol.com
Rating: G
Summary: I'm not even going to attempt to explain this one!
Disclaimer: Joss owns Willow and Spike. Oh I wish I owned Spike though. I'm
very jealous of Joss.
Distribution: If anyone wants this, take it. But I suggest that you have your
head checked.
Feedback: Loved. Adored. Pretty please?
Once upon a time there was a young woman named Willow who's mother made her
walk to her grandmother's house. Willow's grandmother was quite sick and lived
all alone out in the woods. But even though it was a long journey and it was
already getting dark outside, Willow's mother still made her walk.
Willow was about halfway to her destination when a peroxide blond man stopped
her and asked her where she was going. She told the man about her poor sick
grandmother and how she was going to go take care of her.
The man replied, "I don't think so, Pet. I think that instead I am going to
eat you up."
Now Willow, not wanting to get eaten by this strange man (even if he did have
the most luscious features she had ever seen) ran away. The man followed her,
easily keeping up, with a wolfish grin on his face the entire time (he so loved
the chase, and the girl was the most delicious morsel that he had found in a
long time.)
After a few minutes, Willow came upon a house made of straw, a fact that she
found quite odd but she wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. She
quickly entered the house, and strangely enough it seemed to stop the man. Willow
breathed a sigh of relief as she saw the man turn and walk away. She turned
around to examine the house that she had taken refuge in, and she found a large
pig sitting in an armchair and watching a football game.
The pig looked up at her and motioned to the other chair. Willow, not wanting
to seem impolite (and planning to have a cat-scan the next day) sat and the
two watched the game in silence for a little while.
All too soon, the sound of heavy machinery filled the air. The blond man had
gone to the mayor (whom he wasn't fond of, but figured what the hell. He wanted
that redhead and he'd deal with obnoxious city officials if it got him what
he wanted) and had the house condemned as being unsafe. The blond man then went
with the bulldozers to tear the house down.
Willow and the pig started to panic, and as the house fell down around them,
they ran out the back. The blond man, enjoying the destruction, didn't even
see them as they ran off.
Willow followed the pig to a house built of sticks, and they went inside to
find another pig watching another football game. The two pigs soon began fighting
over which game to watch, and the squeals could be heard for miles. The blond
man heard and he and the construction equipment quickly found the house made
of twigs. The construction crew (who had met the mayor and knew that he wouldn't
want a shoddy house like that in his town) decided to tear it down too (they
didn't want to have to deal with the mayor again. He was just a creepy guy.)
Willow and the pigs again went out the back, and again the blond man failed
to notice (the house made of sticks made much cooler noises when it was being
knocked down then the house of straw did.)
The pigs led Willow to yet another house. This house was made of brick, which
relieved Willow to no end, because there was no way that the blond man could
have this house torn down for being unsafe. There was yet another pig, only
he was watching golf, which really pissed the other two pigs off because by
their reasoning any football game, even one that they weren't watching, was
better than golf.
The blond man and construction crew headed over to the sounds of the squealing
and found a house that they couldn't tear down and the construction crew got
all depressed (they were enjoying all the late night destruction too) but the
blond man simply turned and headed back to town to have another talk with the
mayor.
He returned in a matter of minutes with a document saying that the city claimed
the house by right of eminent domain and it was to be demolished to make way
for the new highway. (In reality, the blond man simply told the mayor that the
house was inhabited by pigs and the mayor had the house condemned before the
blond man could even finish speaking. Pigs were dirty and the mayor didn't want
any dirt in his city.)
The walls came tumbling down around them and the pigs and Willow again took
off out the back. They ended up getting split up. The pigs went in one direction
and Willow went in another.
The pigs came to yet another cottage and went inside.
Inside, they found three chairs sitting in front of the television and all sat
down to watch tv. For the longest time they couldn't agree on what to watch
until one of the pigs accidentally turned to the weather channel. All three
pigs were instantly mesmerized for hours. Eventually though, they began to get
hungry and went to look for something to eat. Lucky them, they found three bowls
of porridge sitting on the table. The pigs quickly ate all of it and then went
upstairs to have a nap.
Just a few minutes after the pigs went to bed, the owners of the cottage, who
just happened to be three bears (what were the odds?) came home. The bears went
into the living room to watch their favorite show (Gentle Ben) and found that
their chairs were all dirty. Disgusted and confused about how the chairs had
gotten that way, the bears decided to go eat. When they got to the table, they
found that all their food was missing. Now the bears were angry and hungry and
confused and disgusted. They decided to go hibernate for a while, in the hopes
that the next season would be better. When the bears got upstairs, they found
breakfast in bed.
And thus ends the tale of the three little pigs.
Oh, and if you were wondering, the blond man eventually caught up to Willow,
and because she was so cute and since because of her he got to destroy stuff,
the blond man decided to keep her, and they spent the rest of eternity chasing
people and breaking stuff and eating eachother all up.
The end.
I'm really not on drugs! I swear! I'm also not typing this from a mental institute
(although, after reading this, I'm wondering if maybe I should be.)