Title: I'm not on drugs! I swear! (1/1) [Take Two.
Take two what? Take two
vampires and call me in the morning? Honey, if I take two vampires I'll be
taking Spike and Angel and I sure as hell won't be calling in the morning. In
fact, I'll be so busy taking my vamps that I probably won't be calling for
months. Maybe even years.]
Author: Charity A.K.A. BOB1
Email: charibob@aol.com
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Well, to summarize would be pretty much impossible. I'll just give
you a warning instead. It's quite possible I've gone mad and haven't realized
it, and this is just the product of my madness. But hey, madness can be fun.
Disclaimer: Joss owns them, but I'm thinking that if he ever sees what I've
done here, he'll be so warped for life that he won't want them anymore and
he'll be so afraid of me for writing this that he'll probably give them to me
to ensure that I don't come after him.
Distribution: Anyone who has any of my other stuff, and anyone else who wants
it. But if I were you, I'd think seriously about getting my head examined
before rushing off to HTML this little piece of my insanity.
Feedback: Loved. Adored. Pretty please?
A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away.......
Willow Bo Peep was a shepherdess. She hadn't planned on being a shepherdess.
Sheep herding had been about the bottom on her list of things to do, but she
answered an ad in the paper and now here she was. And the ad had been totally
misleading too. It had read, 'Animal lover needed for outdoor work' she had
thought it was going to be something to do with horses. And she had needed a
job. After all, college wasn't going to pay for itself. So she went. The guy
took one look at her, said "You're hired. The sheep are out back. Don't let
them stay in one spot too long or they'll run out of grass." Not what she was
expecting at all. But hey, a job is a job.
Willow Bo Peep lived next to her lifelong friend Xander Peter. Xander Peter
was a pumpkin eater. But sadly, the demand for pumpkin eaters in the job
market was practically nil, so Xander Peter had to take whatever pumpkin
eating jobs there were. Which basically constituted of being a guinea pig and
eating whatever pumpkins the Sunnyhell Genetic Vegetation Research Laboratory
sent him. So he had some... problems. Eating genetically mutated pumpkins
will do that to a person.
One of Xander Peter's problems (that actually wasn't caused by pumpkins) was
that he was married to a woman who was very high class. Don't get me wrong,
she wasn't a complete stuck up bitch, but she had a fondness for designer
labels and expensive jewelry. And soon after the wedding Xander Peter
realized that there was no way he could afford to keep a wife (especially not
that one) on a pumpkin eater's salary. So he decided to get rid of her. But
he decided to do it in his own special way. He got one of the largest
pumpkins he could find (it was about the size of a small house) and he ate
out the insides, leaving a hollow shell. When his wife came home from a long
day of shopping, Xander stuck her in the pumpkin and superglued the top back
on so that she couldn't get out. (Don't have a fit yet. Just keep reading.
This is a happy story, I think. And it wouldn't be very happy if people were
dying in pumpkin shells, now would it be?)
After Xander Peter was finished with his gluing, it was time for part two of
his plan. Unfortunately it was a very big pumpkin, so he was going to need
some help. Naturally, the first person he thought of to help him was his good
buddy Willow Bo Peep.
He went to the field that Willow was doing her sheep herding in. When he got
there, he found a very freaked out Willow that kept counting the sheep.
"What's the matter Willow?"
Willow turned to him in tears. "One of the stupid sheep is missing! I can't
find it anywhere. What am I going to do? I'll get fired. And what about the
poor sheep? It could be lost or hurt or somebody's dinner by now! And even if
they are ugly and stupid and smell bad, I can't just go around losing them.
It'll look terrible on my resume! What am I going to do?"
"Simple," replied Xander Peter. "You are going to put the sheep back in their
pen, help me take Cordy's stuff down to the docks real quick, and then we're
going to find your stupid smelly sheep. Okay?"
"Um.... Why are we taking Cordy's stuff to the docks?"
"Cordy has decided to leave me and go to Europe to be a model or something.
I'm shipping her stuff to her. But it's in a really big pumpkin, and it's too
large to move by myself." (See, I didn't stick Cordy in the pumpkin to die!
She's just going on a little trip. To Europe no less. I *can* be a nice bob
when the mood suits me!)
"Oh. Alright. Help me get these stupid sheep put away and we'll be off."
AT THE SAME TIME
IN A LITTLE HOUSE
BY THE DOCKS
Gilespetto was a lonely guy. He used to be a librarian until some idiot blew
his library up, but now he was unemployed and bored out of his mind. No one
ever came to see him, and he wasn't needed anymore because with the loss of
the library he couldn't help anyone with their research. And the tweed really
put people off, despite his yummy accent. So he decided to start doing
woodcarving.
One day he got large oak tree, and decided to make himself a life size
puppet, just to see if he could. When he had finished, he had a beautiful,
well proportioned man puppet. It was like a living angel, except not (alive
that is) so he decided to call it Angel. But once Gilespetto had finished
with his puppet, he was bored and lonely again.
"If only you were alive," said Gilespetto to his Angel, "I bet you'd keep me
company." (And he didn't mean it like THAT, so you can all pull your filthy
little minds out of the gutters!)
Now, unbeknownst to Gilespetto, the Blue Fairy Bunny had heard his wish. (And
seen Angel, who let me tell you is a *fine* puppet) and she decided to grant
his wish.
Angel got up off the table and he and Gilespetto and the Blue Fairy Bunny
instantly felt the need to go into a song and dance number. Which they did.
And which I will spare you, so your ears don't start bleeding. (I'm betting
that Bunny has a horrid singing voice)
The song and dance number attracted a little attention. And I do mean little.
A teenie tiny little man (with yummy cheekbones and a wicked accent) heard
the commotion and decided to go investigate. He was incredibly bored, not
having been able to find any teenie tiny women and figured anything would be
entertaining until he found one.
Once the song and dance number was over, the teenie tiny little man was
turning to leave when the Blue Fairy Bunny saw him and decided to give him a
job. She scooped up the little guy and told him that from now on he was going
to be Angel's conscience, and that no matter what he wasn't to allow Angel to
have sex because it would turn him into a cow (Not to mention the splinter
problem for whoever else was involved. And yes, that was supposed to be
disgusting, so you can all keep your minds in the gutters where they belong.)
Now the teenie tiny little man, who's name was Spikey Cricket (No, he wasn't
a bug. It's just his last name.) wasn't too thrilled with this assignment,
but he figured it was something to relieve his boredom (since he couldn't
relieve anything else until he found a teenie tiny woman.)
As soon as the Blue Fairy Bunny was gone, Angel (at Spikey Cricket's urging)
went out exploring. Spikey Cricket sat on his shoulder (where he could get a
good view down women's shirts, assuming they found any women.)
Gilespetto, now even more depressed than before (after all, even his own
puppet abandoned him) went out for a walk. On his walk he passed two people
pushing a giant pumpkin but they didn't stop to talk to him so he ignored
them and kept walking. After a few minutes he came to a grassy knoll (being
careful to look out for second gunmen) and there was a woman sitting there.
Oddly, she was eating curds and whey, which was not a common staple. Most
people ate incredibly large vegetables from the Sunnyhell Genetic Vegetation
Research Laboratory (That's right, the next time you go to the store to buy
a
tomato to feed your family for a month just remember the Sunnyhell Genetic
Vegetation Research Laboratory, where all the best produce comes--OH MY
GOD!!!! THE CARROTS ARE LOOSE!!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!!!!!!!!)
The woman started talking to Gilespetto, which was nice, but she was talking
about the stars singing and the nasty spiders coming after Miss Edith, which
was not so nice. In fact, it was freaky. It sure as hell freaked Gilespetto
out. It freaked him out so much that he ran back to the docks (passing the
pumpkin people again) and got into a small boat headed anywhere that wasn't
here.
Angel and Spikey Cricket also found the pumpkin people. They were trying
valiantly to get the giant pumpkin on the ship. Angel took one look at the
little redhead struggling so hard with the pumpkin and fell in love. (With
the redhead, not the pumpkin.) Spikey Cricket took one look at the redhead
and fell in lust. (Again, not with the pumpkin) Angel immediately rushed to
help the redhead with the pumpkin, but before he could get there, Xander
Peter (having eaten some particularly off pumpkins earlier in the day) lost
his hold on the pumpkin and it fell in the water with a huge splash.
"Um.... Ooops?" said Xander.
Willow Bo Peep vaguely heard what Xander Peter was saying and sort of
remembered that they were supposed to be doing something, but she didn't
really care. After all, there was a completely gorgeous specimen of manhood
standing before her, staring at her like she was the last drop of water in a
desert. Why would she care about trivial things like pumpkins and their
eaters at a time like this?
The world fell away, choirs of angels started singing, yada yada yada. And
before they knew it, they had exchanged names in a breathless sigh and their
lips had locked to eachothers more securely than Fort Knox.
Neither Xander Peter nor Spikey Cricket was too happy with this development.
Xander Peter was unhappy because just as the wooden yahoo had shown up Xander
was realizing what a babe his friend was and exactly how available he had
become since his wife went on her little ocean cruise.
Spikey Cricket was unhappy, not because he was worried about Angel having sex
and becoming a cow (to be quite truthful, Spikey was kinda hoping for this
development. It would answer a lot of questions for him, like would he be a
wooden cow? And if he was a wooden cow, would he eat grass or would he go off
in search of fertilizer?) but because Willow had knocked him off of Angel's
shoulders.
"Oh sure. Don't mind me. No one ever pays attention to their conscience. And
I'm just the little guy too. People these days have no respect for the little
guy. Aaarrrgghh!!! I need a tiny woman!"
After much prying, Xander Peter managed to get some airspace between Angel
and Willow (eventually resorting to a crowbar) and drug Willow to a boat to
go retrieve Cordy. Angel followed and got into the boat right before Xander
untied it. So they all set off to sea, where they were promptly eaten by a
whale.
Once they were inside the whales stomach, the unlikely foursome (Geez, you
people can make anything sound filthy! You need to wash your brains out with
soap.) found three things. They found Gilespetto sitting in his little boat.
They found Cordy, who's pumpkin had cracked open. And they found a whole lot
of disgusting stomach acid covering everything.
The first thing Angel did when Gilespetto had been found was to introduce him
to the woman he had fallen in love with. The first thing Xander Peter did was
immediately start groveling to Cordy so that she wouldn't hurt him *too*
terribly bad over the whole pumpkin incident. The first thing Willow Bo Peep
did (after meeting Gilespetto and being all cute and charming for him so that
he wouldn't try to keep her and Angel apart) was to go over and beat Xander
Peter for tricking her into throwing Cordy Peter into the ocean. The first
thing Spikey Cricket did was to again lament the fact that he was still tiny
womanless.
Cordy ignored her husband in favor of Gilespetto, who's accent was truly
luscious. And Gilespetto was quite enjoying the attention too. They smiled
and simpered at eachother, and Willow and Angel were in much the same state,
leaving Xander and Spikey to find a way out. Luckily for everyone involved,
the pumpkin that Cordy had been trapped in was being digested by the whale
(who hadn't spent the majority of his life eating genetically altered
pumpkins and couldn't handle the mutations) and got very sick. So sick in
fact, the poor whale lost his lunch. So the inhabitants of the whale were
freed, but disgusting and slimey and smelly (You try getting covered in whale
vomit and still come out of it smelling and looking clean. Can't be done. But
at least they didn't come out the other way.)
Anyway, once they had reached dry land and cleaned up a bit (a lot) they all
proceeded to Gilespetto's house. Gilespetto and Cordy had hit it off quite
wonderfully and were planning the wedding already. Angel decided to ask the
Blue Fairy Bunny to make him a real boy (--er... man) so that he could be
with Willow Bo Peep forever. Spikey and Xander went to the nearest bar to
mourn their lack of love life.
When Angel asked the Blue Fairy Bunny if he could become human, he said it
was because he was so in love with someone he couldn't see straight. When the
Blue Fairy Bunny asked who, Angel didn't answer. He had heard about this neat
thing called 'cryptic' and was trying it out. But the Blue Fairy Bunny took
his silence to mean that he was in love with her and she promptly made him
human and then jumped him. When he pushed her away and told her that he
wasn't in love with her, the Blue Fairy Bunny was so hurt that she sent Angel
to hell.
When Willow Bo Peep found out, she was crushed. This was *so* not turning out
to be her day. She left Gilespetto's house in tears and went to go find
Xander Peter and Spikey Cricket. And they all proceeded to get incredibly
drunk. When they had all reached optimum lever of intoxication (when the
world is spinning but your not ready to puke) they went off wandering and
found themselves on the grassy knoll. Little Dru Muffet was still sitting
there, eating her curds and whey and babbling about the stars when a spider
showed up. Xander Peter (who was not only fighting the alcohol for coherency
but also the many genetically altered pumpkins) fell over at her cry and
squished the spider flat. Little Dru Muffet was so happy that she kissed
Xander and the sparks flew.
But they had a little problem. Well, actually two little problems. Willow and
Spikey were still there, so Dru did some mojo and Angel was pulled out of
hell. Willow went off with Angel to go check on her sheep and they took
Spikey with them, leaving Xander and Dru to explore their sparks.
When they got to the sheep pen, Willow Bo Peep found a nice surprise. Her
missing sheep had come home. And it was being ridden by a little leather
encased version of herself. She crouched down to thank ThumbelWillow, who was
mumbling to herself.
"This world sucks! There are no tiny men whatsoever! How am I supposed to
have any fun in a world with no tiny men? I can't ride any of the big people
like ponies! (Please remove your mind from the gutter now.) I hate this
place!"
Willow Bo Peep smiled at fortune (or an indecisive author who can't seem to
choose between Spike and Angel) and introduced her to Spikey Cricket. Spikey
Cricket and ThumbelWillow hit it off immediately (mostly because they were
both interested in pony rides, and yes you can go back to your gutters) and
went off to explore the possibilities.
And Willow Bo Peep quit her sheep herding job and she and Angel went off into
the sunset to live happily ever after.
The End
Well, am I mad or just slightly around the bend? You be the judge.
Charity
A.K.A. BOB1
Okay, if you aren't as versed in nursery rhymes as I am, a little reference
guide:
Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep
And doesn't know where to find them
Leave them alone and they'll come home
Wagging their tails behind them
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife but couldn't keep her
Put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider that sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
If you need to know the story of Pinocchio or Thumbelina, I suggest you go
read a book, 'cuz I'm not going into it here.