Insomnia. Plague to Mankind. Earlier this fine Saturday morning, I was wide awake. Wide Wide Awake. The wind blew omniously, I knew it was trouble...

At 8am, after the terrible show "The Parent 'Hood" went off on the WB Network (As good as NBC), I needed something to watch. I told myself "Self, lets see what's on Fox." Then we argued about Time Travel, then I changed the channel to Fox.

This is what I saw... Prepare yourself for the greatest Live Action Kid's Show Ever.:

Oh my GOD, stop the choir! I've barely even started. The plot is this, according to the website:

Itís up to Lobo Fuerte, the worldís greatest masked wrestler to stop the evil forces that invade Union City! With help from his wrestling sidekicks Turbine and Maria Valentine, Lobo must stomp, spike, and slam in the name of justice-- both inside and outside the ring. Armed with hot rod cars, a speed-demon motorcycle, high tech gadgets, and excellent wrestling skills, the trio is ready to protect their city from harm. But, can they defeat the Whelp, a super-powerful Chihuahua who is evilly plotting to take over Union City?

No, this is not a heroin-induced dream, and yes, it did say "Super-Powerful Chihuahua"... lets meet our heroes, shall we?

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Lobo is the show's main hero. He's a wrestler. And he speaks like Antonio Banderas. This is what the website says about our dear Lobo. "Lobo's muscles and powerful stance make even the toughest opponents cower." Can you see now why he is the greatest superhero in the world? I mean he has an emblem of a fucking sheep on his head, chest and his belt... Only men with balls can pull that off. Lets get one thing straight folks... this show isn't supposed to be satirical, no, it's not like The Tick. They are being serious. People, THEY DON'T TAKE OFF THEIR MASKS AT ANYTIME. EVER. Lobo is in the shower! He doesn't take his mask off. Lobo does his taxes! He doesn't take his mask off. LOBO GOES TO CHURCH, HE DOESN'T TAKE HIS MASK OFF. Do you get the picture? No one MAKES him take that mask off! What a rebel!! And it's not just him, he has two sidekicks!

LOBO FUERTE!

Lets be honest folks. I only watched this show because of Maria. Maria is the slutty, perky, teenage girl that enjoys wearing those tiny tops and tight pants. She is the magnet that pulls hungover college kids who haven't gone to bed and makes them watch this show. The website describes her as: "Maria is known for her luchador fashion sense. Her trendy crop tops, stylish bell-bottoms, tattoo, and pierced belly-button are always a big hit." Luchador fashion sense... okay.

Does this count?

Oh, and there's Turbine. Turbine is what I call a "Playa-Hata". He's the third wheel in the whole operation. He interrupts Lobo's pimping out of Maria all of the time... what? You didn't know? It's true. I mean... what kind of person ALWAYS wears light blue? A Pimp, it's obvious.... anyway... Turbine also says "Dude." a lot... So immediatly I dislike him! He takes away the valuable camera time of Lobo and Maria! Asshole...

Umm.. yeah.. the Chihuahua in a robot... That's the shows main villian. Yes... his name is The Whelp. And he is a bad mofo.

Actually, I kind of feel sorry for the poor pup they put in that thing... then I learned that the dog was a ruthless dictator in Guatemala for some short time. Oh, and it can talk. So by all means, Cyborg-ize that mutt. I was hoping he was in the episode I saw, but he wasn't... Onto the PLOT of Saturday's Episode:

Lobo, Maria and that dork Turbine go over to a baseball field to play baseball... in their costumes. Which is what Luchadores do after a long hard day of Luchadoring. All of a sudden... People zap in out of no where to fight them. FOR NO REASON. NO FUCKING REASON. And listen.. when they fight... They play this loop... imagine this... It's a marachi plucking 10 strings, and the words "Uno, dos, tres." repeating. I thought I was delirious... I can't believe coolness like this exists!!

Okay, SO HERE'S THE REAL PLOT. There is a cyclops alien, named Gniknod, who is the Don King of Space, has a cable station. So, he needs good ratings for the galaxy... so he plans on kidnapping Lobo Fuerte, the best Luchador on Earth... so he can battle the.... INTERGALATIC HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE GALAXY! BEASTIE!! Grrowl... I wish I hadn't deleted those pictures of the show on my webcam. It would help fuel the genius that is this show.

Quick Side plot: Gniknod has a slave boy he treats like crap. Keep in mind how little detail i give in this, it's about the same amount the show gives.

Anyway, to kidnap Lobo, Gniknod dresses up as a tourist, and captures him with his intergalactic camera. With me so far? Maria struts around in her hoochie wear, Turbine says dude and rides his motocycle, the Chihuahua sits back and watches the episode while smoking a cigarette, and i'm eating Corn Pops.

Lobo wrestles Beastie, gets him to agree to fight Gniknod by using a universal translator and telling him how bad Gnikky is, the little boy, out of nowhere, goes into the ring they were fighting in, and jumps from the top rope and belly splashes Gniknod. Episode Over. The boy wins his freedom, Lobo is saved, and they all eat dinner. Oh, and here's the ending joke.

Let me set it up first... Lobo gives the little cyclops alien boy a Luchador mask... the boy is "like whoa" and puts it on:

Boy: "WOW! How do I look?"

Turbine: "You look weird"

Boy: "I look weird, YOU have two eyes, What planet are you from?"

Lobo Fuerte: "Haha, I ask myself this everyday."

Everybody: ::LAUGH!::

You can only guess what my new favorite show is.

Take the Luchador Pledge!

Christopher A.

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