Disclaimer: ER, and its characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, and anyone else who may have helped in creating them. I don't own them; I borrow them for fan fiction. I'm not making money off my stories, I write them for my own, and other fans pleasure.
Please send all feedback, positive or negative to DougandCarol@hotmail.com
A special thanks to Samantha who reads all my stuff before it's finished and tells me how I'm doing and how the story is! Thanx girl!
The music in this story is "She's Gone", by Eric Clapton. If you've ever heard the song, it's fast, but the lyrics fit really well :)
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In the middle of the night, in the middle of the day,
She can make me feel all right and make it all okay.
She can make me feel so good by looking in my eye.
She can take me to the edge, take me to the sky.
***********
Rain droplets fell that early Christmas Eve morning. The sky was dark, with thunder rumbling in the distance. The weather fit perfectly with the atmosphere inside the Ross house in Seattle. The clouds had opened up and were crying, just like they all were, not only on the outside, but on the inside as well.
The night before had been a living hell. But so had the morning. Doug had laid with Carol for over an hour after she had gone. Just laid there, him crying, caressing her face. He had talked with her, waiting for a response, though he knew in his heart and his mind he would get none.
Once he had stopped the tears for a few minutes, he built enough strength to call the mortuary they'd already made plans with weeks ago to come and pick up the body. Her body, Carol. When he hung up the phone, the tears began again. From the nightstand, he grabbed a few tissues from the box and exited the room, his heart longing to go back.
As he descended the stairs, he found Helen in the living room with the girls, cuddled up in her lap. All 3 of them were crying as well. When Helen saw him, she just stared and he nodded. This sent her into a fit of hysterics. This signaled Tess and Kate into what had happened and they too began to sob. They cried for hours, crying to Helen, Doug and crying for Carol.
And now it was morning, rain was falling and the girls were fast asleep on the couch, Helen and Doug in the kitchen. Helen sat at the island in the center, a tissue in her hand, her head in her hands. Her eyes were red and bloodshot, for she had been crying all night. Doug had stopped the crying on the outside, but inside, his heart was aching. He had found the phone book in a desk drawer and had begun calling friends and relatives, informing them of the previous night.
At the kitchen table, Doug sat flipping through the blue book, and found the list he was looking for. The top of the page was listed "Friends at County". Sighing, he hit the button on the phone and typed in the first number on the page. It rang 5 times before a machine picked up.
"This is Kerry. I'm not home right now, but leave a message and I'll get back to you soon."
The machine beeped.
"Kerry,.. it's Doug. Umm.. it's 6:45 here, so it's 9:45 there. I'm calling... Carol.. she.. she died last night. Here at the house. Just, I just wanted to let you know. I.. I'll be calling the others.. so, so please don't say anything yet. please. Um, yeah. Thanks."
He pressed the button to hang up and sighed. Looking at the list, he found the next name.. Mark and Elizabeth.
Punching in the familiar phone number, he cradled the phone on his shoulder as he heard Helen leave the kitchen.
"Hello?" someone picked up on the other end.
"Elizabeth?" Doug replied, watching as their cat Nibbles ran across the table.
"Doug, is that you?" the woman's voice on the other end asked.
"Yes, Elizabeth..." he replied.
"What's wrong?" she asked, immediately detecting the sadness in his voice.
"Carol, last night.." was all he got out.
"Doug, no." Elizabeth replied, sitting down.
"Last night, at home." he said, as he watched the cat run over to her food dish which was empty.
"Doug, I am so sorry." she said, shocked at what she was hearing. "Is there anything I can do? Or Mark?"
"No, it's ok. The girls and I... Carol's body is being flown back to Chicago this afternoon. She uh, she wanted to be buried with her dad and the rest of her family. We're, we've got plane tickets for later today, so we'll be in Chicago by about 9. I've just.. I've gotta get a hotel for us to stay at. Helen's house has only one bedroom, so.. I" he babbled on and on.
"Don't call a hotel." Elizabeth instructed him. "Come and stay with us. We've got plenty of room," she said.
"No, we couldn't."
"I insist. I'll just make up the guestroom, and if the girls wouldn't mind sleeping in with David."
"That would be great Elizabeth. Thank you." Doug replied, as he scanned the list of the others he still needed to call.
"It's no problem. I'll see if Mark can pick you all up from the airport later, I've got some last minute gifts to wrap and I don't know if I'll finish in time."
"Ok, thanks."
"And if you're up to it Doug, bring the girls gifts with you. I know you probably won't feel much like celebrating tomorrow, but maybe a few presents will cheer them up, if only for a few moments." Elizabeth said.
"With everything I... I forgot what today was." he whispered as he thought of Carol and the tears again felt hot in his eyes. "Yeah, I'll bring the gifts."
"Ok, Doug, you should go. Go be with the girls... they need you." Elizabeth said. "I'll talk with you later all right?"
"Ok, bye Elizabeth."
"Good bye Doug."
Pressing the button to hang up, he set the phone down on the table and buried his face in his hands as the tears began flowing.
"Carol, where are you?" he cried quietly. "I wasn't ready for you to leave me. To leave us. How am I going to do this? How am I going to be able to go on without you? How?"
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She's gone, she's gone, she's gone.
I'm telling you she's gone.
**************
Later that morning Doug was upstairs with the girls, packing their bags for the trip to Chicago. Helen was in the guestroom, packing up her things. They had tickets for the plane leaving for Chicago at 1pm.
In their bedroom, Doug was doing most of the packing. Tess and Kate were both on Tess' bed, crying. They each were clutching their favorite stuffed animals. Tess a stuffed pink rabbit, and Kate, a stuffed brown kitten.
"Do you want to bring your pink sweaters?" Doug asked them quietly, as he grabbed a pile of jeans from their dresser drawers.
"Uh huh." Kate whispered back, rocking back and forth on the bed.
Folding the sweaters, he placed them in the suitcase, along with the jeans, 2 fleeces each, 4 pairs of pajamas, a couple of sweatshirts, underwear, socks, and their blue velvet dresses, for the funeral. Zipping the suitcase shut, he sighed and plopped on the bed.
"Do you two want to bring any toys with you?" he asked as he looked sadly at the girls.
They both just stared back at him; their eyes had lost the sparkle they use to have in them. Instead, they were replaced with a look of horrible sadness, and emptiness.
"Come here." Doug said, opening his arms, taking them into a hug. "It's ok." he comforted them as they cried. "You know, mommy is still here, she told you she would be didn't she?"
"She is?" Tess asked, her red, bloodshot eyes now open wide.
"Yes, didn't she promise you that she would always be here?" Doug replied. "She'll be everywhere you two go."
"You promise?" Tess replied, wiping her eyes.
"I promise." he assured her, as she squeezed her rabbit.
"But I miss her." Kate whispered. "Why did she leave?"
"We all miss her." Doug replied, wrapping them tighter in a hug. "But it was her time. God wanted her to be an angel." he explained.
"Mommy's an angel?" Tess asked incredulously.
"Yup, she's our angel. And she's always going to watch over us." he replied, as he noticed Helen in the doorway. She was smiling with her arms folded across her chest.
"Does she have wings?" Tess asked as Helen walked into the room and pulled Kate into her lap.
"Your mommy will get her wings soon." Helen responded, as Doug zipped up the suitcase. Grabbing two fleeces from the top of the toy box, her handed one to each girl and helped them pull them over their heads.
"Come on," he said, lifting Kate off Helen and letting her stand, then lifting Tess up. "We have to leave in a few minutes."
Heading downstairs, Doug had their suitcase, which he had already, thrown some of his own items in, and grabbed the toiletries bag from the bathroom. As he passed by their bedroom, he caught glimpse of the framed photo hanging over the television. It was a photo taken on their wedding day.
*****Flashback*****
"And I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride."
Carol smiled as Doug had leaned in close for their kiss.
"I love you." Carol whispered, as his lips met hers. They could hear the cheers in the audience as they kissed. As their lips parted, they turned to face the crowd, of which included Carol's family, Doug's mom and grandfather, and a bunch of friends, many from County who had flown in for the event.
Walking down the aisle, they passed by Helen and Sarah, each of whom had a smiling baby in their arms. As Carol passed, Tess' arms started flaring around as she smiled and laughed happily, while Kate was fussing, with Sarah trying to calm her down.
Later that afternoon, everyone had gathered in their backyard for the reception. It was on the water; a huge tent had been set up with an area for dancing. A buffet table sat to the right of the dance floor, packed full of food. Fifteen of so tables had been arranged to accommodate all the guests, and the band set off to the side, performing any song imaginable.
Two year old Tess and Kate were having a ball dancing in circles on the dance floor, while Mark's daughter Rachel watched them, and danced with them. Mark and Elizabeth sat at the table with Doug and Carol, plus Sarah and Helen. Elizabeth had been maid of Honor, and Mark best man.
Soon they were dancing. Doug was twirling Carol on the dance floor to their song as everyone looked on, with their "oohs" and "ahhs".
"Today was like a fairy-tale." Carol said, as they danced.
Doug laughed as he kissed her. "Anything for my fairy princess." he whispered back, as Carol laughed.
They continued to dance, as two pairs of small feet began running across the floor and hit Doug's legs.
"Daddy!" Kate had called, as Helen called to both girls, attempting to get them off the floor.
"Hi!" Tess said sweetly, and Doug and Carol both laughed and lifted them up.
"You two couldn't bear to be away could you?" he teased, as Kate reached for Carol.
"Hi mommy." she said, kissing her cheek.
"Hi sweetie." Carol had laughed, as she began dancing with the girl, and Doug began dancing with Tess. As they did, their friends laughed, and began making their way onto the dance floor themselves.
The day had been perfect.
*****End Flashback*****
As the memory ended, Doug shook his head and felt the tears again rush to his eyes. But this time he held them back, he needed to be strong for the girls. If they saw him cry again, they would too start, and might never end.
"You ready to go?" Doug asked, as he made his way downstairs to where Tess and Kate were sitting by the front door.
"Grandma went outside." Tess said quietly as she looked up, and Doug could see she was again crying.
"Come here sweetie." he said, taking both girls into his arms, as Kate too was crying. "It'll be ok."
"I.. I miss mommy." Kate sobbed, her face buried in Doug's shoulder.
"Me too." Tess cried. "Why did you let her die! Daddy, you're a doctor! Why didn't you save her?"
"Oh baby." he whispered, hugging them tighter. "I tried to save mommy. So did her doctors. You know we gave her medicine."
"But you didn't save her!" Tess cried. "You should have gave her more medicine!"
"We gave her medicine." Doug whispered. "But I told you, God wanted mommy to go live with him." he said, as he looked them both straight to their faces. "And in heaven, mommy won't be sick anymore. She won't be cold all the time, she'll have her pretty hair again, she won't need her medicine."
"Why couldn't we go to heaven with her? Why didn't I die?" Kate asked, wiping her tears.
"Because you had to stay with me." he answered, grasping their hands. "But mommy can still see you, and she still loves you." he promised. "Mommy will always love you."
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She put her hands in my hair, put her kiss on my face.
She puts my heart in my mouth, my soul in its place.
Who could love me like she do? Who could even start to try?
She can love me more than you; I never wonder why.
*************
"Flight 858 from Seattle, Washington is now landing at Gate 23." the announcement came over the loudspeaker later that night.
"That's their flight." Elizabeth said, grabbing David's hand, as she and Mark stood up. As it had turned out, both of them had been able to go to the airport, as Romano had cancelled what he needed Elizabeth for.
"How did he sound on the phone?" Mark asked for the twentieth time as they approached the gate.
"Like a man whose wife had just died." Elizabeth responded, lifting David up.
"What about the girls?" he asked, looking through the diaper bag, looking for some crackers to give David who was fussy. "What's the matter?" he asked the fussy 2 1/2-year-old.
"Santa?" David managed to cry, his eyes getting wide.
Elizabeth laughed. "No, not yet David." she explained, switching arms she was holding him in. "Santa will come later when you're asleep."
"Santa!" he cried again, this time Mark catching a glimpse of what David must have been staring at.
"Well, he's right." Mark replied, pointing to a man dressed in a Santa suit, walking about 20 feet from them. "There's Santa David."
David wiggled excitedly as Elizabeth struggled to keep him in her arms. "Here, go to your father." she said, handing him the boy, taking the diaper bag from Mark.
As she did, the door swung open and a flood of people began exiting the hallway that led to the airplane. A flood of happy people. They were all smiling, looking for relatives they were planning to spend the holiday with. After the flood had disappeared, there were Doug, Tess, Kate and Helen, the last to leave the plane. Tess and Kate were holding Doug's hands, and looked as if they had been crying. Helen's face was red and puffy, and Doug looked... he looked old.
"Hello Doug." Elizabeth greeted him, giving him a hug. "Helen."
"Hey you two." Mark said, giving them a sympathetic smile. "You ready to come over to our house?" he asked, as Tess and Kate looked over to Doug, who was pulling his jacket on.
Neither girl answered as they all headed over to the baggage claim and got their bags. As Elizabeth took David back, Mark grabbed two of the bags while Doug grabbed the others. Then, they made their way out to the parking lot and piled into Mark's van. The drive back to their house was silent. Stopping only to drop and silent Helen off, Doug told her he would talk with her later, and made their way to Mark and Elizabeth's house.
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Like a shadow in the dark, like a ripple on a stream,
I see her float across my mind like a picture in a dream.
************
"What is that?" Kate said later that evening, after Elizabeth had shown them to the guestroom they'd set up for them.
"What?" Tess asked, as she emptied her small backpack she'd brought with her onto the bed she and Kate were sharing.
"That." Kate said, pointing to a small gold piece of jewelry in Tess' hand.
"Mommy's wedding ring." Tess replied, looking at the ring in her small hand.
"Where'd you get that?" Kate asked, moving closer to her to look at the ring. "Did you steal it?"
"No, it was on mommy's dwesser." Tess said, playing with the ring. "Maybe if mommy sees her ring isn't there, she'll come back." she explained, setting the ring down on top of the table next to the bed.
"Do you miss mommy?" Kate asked, tears in her eyes. "I do."
"I miss her." Tess replied, sitting on the bed. "Remember when she took us to the zoo and you gave the monkey your ice cream?"
"Yeah, Mommy laughed. And then she yelled at me." Kate replied, a small smile spreading across her face. "Mommy was happy then. She still had her pretty hair."
"Yeah..."
*****Flashback*****
"We going to the zoo! We going to the zoo!" Kate sang happily in the backseat of the car that hot summer day.
"I wants to see a zirrafe." Tess said, waving her arms around excitedly.
"Are we dere yet?" Kate asked, staring out the window.
"Two more minutes." Carol said, turning the car into a parking lot.
"Ok." Kate said happily.
"Do they have dinosaurs?" Tess asked, her eyes wide open. "I wanna wide a dinosaur!"
"Sorry babe." Carol said, parking the car. "No dinosaurs here."
"Oh poop." Tess said, unbuckling her seat belt. As Kate unbuckled hers, Carol opened the back door of the car and helped them out.
Walking to the gate, Carol paid the entrance fee and they entered the zoo. Immediately they were surrounded by animals, trees, and the *lovely* smells of the zoo.
"Where to first?" Carol asked, adjusting her tan bag on her back.
"I want ice cream!" Kate cried happily, pointing to an ice cream stand across the path from them.
"I thought we came here to see the animals." Carol said.
"We did, but we can have ice cream too!" Tess said, jumping happily. "Please mommy?!" she said, giving Carol her infamous puppy dog face. "Please?"
Carol laughed and gave in. "Ok, one ice cream. But no more."
"Yay!" both girls yelled, running for the stand.
"I want a triple scoop chocolate cone wid spwinkles!" Kate yelled to the man behind the stand.
"Umm, no, I don't think so miss smarty pants." Carol said, shaking her head. "Give us two child size chocolate cones please." she ordered, pulling some money from her bag.
Handing the girls their ice cream, she paid the man, and handed them each a napkin. "Come on, lets' go see the monkeys."
Walking to the section where they had the monkeys, Kate ran ahead to one cage and started laughing. As Tess and Carol approached her, Kate was hysterical and jumping up and down.
"What is so funny?" Carol asked, she and Tess dumbfounded.
"He likes ice cream!" Kate giggled, pointing to the monkey who now had chocolate ice cream smeared all over the cage.
"Kate!" Carol yelled, pulling her away from the cage. "You don't give a monkey ice cream!" she yelled.
Kate's face fell and looked as if she were going to cry. "I'm sorry mommy," she said, looking Carol straight in the face. "I thought he would like it."
Carol tried to keep straight, but couldn't. Even she found this funny. "It's ok," she said, giggling. "Just don't do it again."
"You not mad at me?" Kate asked.
"No." Carol said. "But from now on, only people eat ice cream."
"But I thought the monkey was hungry."
"Don't worry. They feed the monkeys here. Come on, let's go see something else."
"Fine." Kate sighed. "Bye mistew monkey!" she called.
*****End Flashback*****
"I wish that we could go with mommy to the zoo again." Tess said, the tears welding up again.
"Maybe they have a zoo in heaven?" Kate suggested, looking at the ring.
"I hope so." Tess whispered. "With lots of monkeys."
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And the more that I know, seems the more that I care.
Give the world and all I own just to know that she's still there.
Like a shadow in the dark, like a ripple in a stream,
But you're floating on my mind.
*************
"Daddy?" a voice called across the room later that night in the darkness. "Daddy!?"
Doug rolled over on the bed a looked at the clock, which read 2:24. He'd only managed to fall asleep an hour ago, and knew he wouldn't be going back to sleep.
"Kate?" he whispered, as the small person walked toward him.
"Daddy." she again whispered, climbing onto the bed. "Can I sleep with you?" she whispered, already pulling the blankets over her body. She sounded as if she had been crying again.
"Did you have a bad dream?" he asked, making sure the blankets were covering her.
"No, but I heard a noise. And I was gonna call mommy, but she isn't here." she mumbled, again beginning to cry.
"It's ok." Doug said, wrapping her in a hug. "I'm here you know."
"But I wanted mommy." Kate cried, "It's not fair. Everyone else has a mommy. Why did me and Tess' have to die."
"Try and go to sleep." Doug told her. "We'll talk some more in the morning."
"I don't wanna go to sleep. I want mommy." Kate cried.
"I know.. I know." Doug comforted her. "I want her too."
*****Flashback*****
The sun was shining that warm spring day as Doug was driving home from work. He'd just pulled a double and was eager to get home and climb into bed. Looking up at his sun visor, he smiled as he looked at the photo of Carol. It had been taken earlier that year at a carnival they had gone to in one of those photo booths. Though they had agreed since he'd left Chicago to wait awhile before calling, he still thought about her everyday. He didn't love her any less, and he hoped she knew that. He hadn't left because of her at all. If it hadn't been for Kerry Weaver, he probably never would have left. But there was no way he could continue to work for that... bitch.
Pulling into the driveway, he quickly got out of his car and entered the house. Dropping his bag, he quickly made his way upstairs into the bathroom for a shower. As he ran the water, he went into the bedroom and began removing his shirt. As he did, he could hear the phone ring in his office. Going to the room next door, he went to grab the phone but the machine picked up. It was Carol's voice. He decided against picking the phone up, that he'd let her talk.
"I want you to sit.. and think about this."
"Think about what?" he'd said to himself, as the fax she'd been talking about came through. Lifting the paper from the tray, he began reading it, and his heart sank to his stomach.
Dear Doug,
I know we said we wouldn't call for awhile, but you needed to know. I should have told you sooner I know, but getting over the initial shock was hard, and I needed time to deal with it myself. Now I want you to sit, and think about this. Think for awhile.. and when you have, I want you to call me. So we can talk about it.
I'm pregnant. About 9 weeks. Now, don't start flipping out and feel the need to jump on the next plane to Chicago. I don't want you to do that. For now, let's just talk ok. Call me when you get the chance.
Love,
Carol
"What have I done?" he said to himself, staring at the piece of paper.
*****End Flashback*****
He looked over at Kate, who was just about asleep. He could remember that day like it was yesterday. She hadn't wanted him to come back, or at least she'd made it seem that way. He felt he had failed again, as a man, a father. But she had come back. It took a year, but she came, she had forgiven him.
"Thank you Carol," he whispered to himself. "Thank you for loving me, and giving me another chance. I'm going to take the best care of our girls, and I'll make sure they never forget you."
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She's gone, she's gone, she's gone.
I'm telling you she's gone.
***************
End Part 2
Please send feedback telling me what you think! This story is really hard to write b/c it's so sad, and the feedback letting me know I'm at least doing an ok job really motivates me to keep going!