Disclaimer: ER, and its characters are the property of Warner Brothers, NBC, and anyone else who may have helped in creating them. I don't own them; I borrow them for fan fiction. I'm not making money off my stories, I write them for my own, and other fans pleasure.

Please send all feedback, positive or negative to DougandCarol@hotmail.com

The music in this story is "All of Me", by Frank Sinatra

The Prayer used in this story is "Gods Love", by Paul Mastromarino

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All of me, why not take all of me?
Can't you see I'm no good without you?
Take my lips, I want to lose them.
Take my arms, I'll never use them

****************************************

Spirits were as solemn as ever. Tears still fell, just as fast, and as often as they had two days earlier. Christmas gifts sat unopened, cookies uneaten, Christmas spirits had been scrooged. Snow was falling outside, and it lightly dusted the grass on the front lawn, but the children didn't want to run out and play in it. They were upstairs in the guestroom, pulling on dresses, to attend a funeral. Their mother’s funeral.

Doug was in the kitchen, his suit on, sitting at the table. Mark in his suit, was fixing a cup of juice for David, who would be staying home with a baby sitter. Elizabeth was upstairs, helping the girls get dressed, something Carol had always done. Except Carol wasn't there anymore. They were getting dressed for her, to bury her.

"Come on Kate, do you want me to brush your hair." Elizabeth asked softly, as Tess pulled her shoe on.

"Is she going to look scary?" Kate asked, eyes wide, watching Elizabeth's every move. "I saw a movie once, and the dead body was all bloody, and it didn't look like a person."

"No, your mom is going to look like your mom. She's not going to have blood on her, and she's going to be in pretty clothes. She'll look like she is sleeping." Elizabeth explained, running the brush through Kate's hair. "And if you get too scared, you don't have to go up. You can stay in the pew with your Dad, or Uncle Mark."

"What is mommy gonna be wearing?" Tess asked. "Is she going to wear her wedding dress?"

Elizabeth smiled a little. "No. I think your dad told me she's wearing her black skirt and blue shirt, the one you two bought her for her birthday last year."

"Oh." Tess replied. "Could you brush my hair too?" she asked.

Elizabeth nodded, as she brushed through the last of Kate's curls. "Next."

Tess sat in front of her, and as Elizabeth brushed her hair, Kate opened up the dresser drawer and pulled out the wedding ring.

"What's that?" Elizabeth asked, pinning Tess' hair up.

"Mommy wedding ring." Kate replied, carrying it over to her. "Daddy forgots it so we brought it."

"Mommy didn't come back for it." Tess whispered.

"I think you should give that to your father. He'll probably want that." Elizabeth told Kate.

"I will. But we thoughts mommy would come back for it. But she didn't." Kate said sadly.

Elizabeth realized what the girls meant and smiled at them. "I'll bet your mom didn't come back for that because she wanted your dad to save it. That way when you two get older, you could have it."

"That's why?" Tess asked, as her hair was finished.

Elizabeth nodded. "When my Grand mum died, she left me a bracelet of hers for when I grew up." she said, showing them a bracelet on her arm.

They both looked at the bracelet and then at the ring.

"We should give this to daddy." Kate said, gripping the ring.

Tess nodded in agreement, as Elizabeth put the hairbrush back into the drawer.

"You two ready?" she asked.

Both girls nodded sadly and started downstairs.

*************************************************************************

You're good-bye left me with eyes that cry.
How can I get along without you?
You took the part that once was my heart,
So why not, why not take all of me?

********************************************

Church bells rang later that morning as people began filing into the church. Many were already crying as they made their way up to the open casket, to pay their last respects. The casket was open; so everyone could see her one last time, say a proper good-bye.

As Elizabeth had said, Carol was dressed in her black skirt and the blue shirt Tess and Kate had insisted the previous year, Carol would love. Around her neck was the heart shaped charm inscribed with Mom. It too had been a birthday present the year before. A black curly wig was on her head, a request Carol had made months before, wanting to look the most presentable she could. In the casket with her were three photos. A photo of her and Doug taken the week after she had returned to Seattle. A photo of Carol with Tess and Kate, and a photo of all four of them.

In the first pew sat Tess and Kate. Between them was Doug. Next to Tess on the end was Helen. Next to Kate on the other side was Elizabeth, and next to her, Mark.

Behind them was Sarah, Doug's mom. Along with her was Carol's cousin Tim, Lydia, Connie, Carter, Kerry, Luka and Abby. So on and so on it went, row after row.

"We gather here today, to celebrate and remember, the life of Carol Hathaway. A daughter, wife, friend, and mother." the priest began the mass, as everyone stood. "A funeral is not a time of sadness, it is a celebration, to remember all of the happy times we have celebrated with Carol,” he continued. "And now, we will hear from Dr. Mark Greene."

Slowly, Mark stood up and walked up to alter, where he took his place and began to speak.

"I.. I first met Carol on her first day of work as a nurse over at County. I can still remember her first walking in. She made her way to the admit area, and we immediately knew she would be something. I was only a med student, and never did I think we'd be working together for over a decade. She always seemed to know what to do. I, I remember when she first began dating Doug, how happy she was. And when they broke up, how she cried. Then, over those next years, how everyone knew she and Doug needed each other. And how they were both just being ignorant. Then when they got back together, how happy they had both become. And how Carol became the Carol we use to love. I remember when Doug left for Seattle, how she'd cried day after day, sometimes ending up at my apartment after work, in tears."

*****Flashback*****

The knocking was loud, and getting louder as Mark woke up and looked at the clock. It was only 4 in the morning, and he planned to sleep in, as he had the day off.

"Go away." Mark muttered, pulling the pillow over his head. But the knocking continued, getting louder. "Fine, hold on." he called, grabbing his glasses and bathrobe. "I'll be right there!"

Shuffling toward the door, he opened it to find Carol, still in her pajamas, hysterical.

"Carol, come here." he said, allowing her into the apartment.

"Oh Mark, I shouldn't have come..." she had sobbed; shivering in her soaked through jacket, drenched from the show that way falling.

"No, Carol come on." he said, helping her over to the couch where he helped her out of her coat. Grabbing a blanket, he wrapped it around her and sitting her down. "Do you want anything?" he asked, heading toward the kitchen where he'd grabbed a cup and filled it with coffee. "Here." he said, handing her the cup, sitting next to her.

"I can't." she'd whispered, turning her head.

"Drink it, it'll warm you up."

"No, I don't want it Mark, really." she whispered back, her face stained with her tears. "You drink it."

"Why don't you call him?" Mark asked gently, looking at her. Her face was red a puffy from the crying. She looked exhausted, probably as tired as he had ever seen her. "Even if only to say hi."

"No, we said we wouldn't call." Carol replied firmly. "We said we'd give it some time."

"But maybe you don't need time. Maybe talking to him would be good." Mark whispered, "I've known you forever Carol, Doug too. Just talk to him."

"I can't Mark." she had responded, almost sounding angry. "There are just too many things happening, things he can't know!"

This had taken Mark by surprise. "Like what?" he asked gently.

"Nothing. I don't want to talk about it." Carol replied. "I have to go, go back to bed Mark. I'm sorry I came over,” she sobbed.

"Carol, you can stay for awhile. At least warm up."

"No, I really need to go." she said, "I'm sorry I bothered you."

"Carol don't.." he began, but she was out the door. "Carol, just call him." he said to himself. "You two need each other."

*****End Flashback*****

Mark was now crying, he had taken his glasses off and was wiping his eyes. "Carol..... she was one of my best friends. She was always there for me, when my mom died, when my dad died, during my divorce.... anytime I needed her. And I tried to be there for her, when she needed me. I just hope... Carol... I hope you'll remember we all love you,” he said, ending his speech. Walking down from the podium, he took his seat next to Elizabeth, who too, was moved to tears.

"That was lovely Mark." Elizabeth whispered, grasping his hand.

"Thank you Mark." Doug whispered, his head staring at the floor.

"We'll hear from Haleh Adams next,” the priest said aloud, as Haleh made her way up to the alter. Grasping her tissue in her hand, she wiped her eyes and began.

"Carol was my girl." Haleh began, staring back at the group of family and friends who stared back at her, most crying, comforting each other, waiting to hear what Haleh had to say. "She did that whole charge nurse thing better than anyone else I'd ever seen attempt. I remember I had to take over when she got suspended, and then when she gave birth to the girls, because Lydia couldn't figure out how to do any of it." As she said that, the audience laughed a little, many remembering Lydia's failed attempt. "Even me, I remember I forgot to turn in the time cards, and when Carol returned, all the nurses begged for me not to be put in that position again. And when she had those girls, they were the sweetest babies. But Carol, I hope you realize we're still here for you girl, and we'll see you again one day, ok?"

Making her way down, the priest again took to the alter and began a prayer.

"Lat us pray." he said, bowing his head, as did everyone in the church.

I am always with you,
even when you are not able to feel me in your heart.
I love you always,
I surround you with my protecting love,
even when you occasionally forget me.
I listen to your problems,
if you are sincere and receptive, I give you solutions.
I hear your prayers and answer those which are in the best interest
of everyone in your life including, but not limited to, you.

I am the light and the thoughts in your mind,
I am the sight in your eyes,
I am the life in your body,
I am the feelings you feel in your heart.
I am always at work in your life for your greater good,
although you may not always believe this; hopefully,
your faith in me will grow constant. you must
realize: "my will is whatever is happening in the
present moment". within this moment you must think and
act with integrity, humility and courage, you must
trust in me, and surrender your will to mine through
acceptance. if you continue to demonstrate
acceptance, integrity, humility, courage and trust,
you will discover the secret of opening your
heart to my love. the greater your faith in me the
more I am able fill your heart with my love.

it is I, who grants you the serenity to accept
the things you cannot change,
the courage to change the things you can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
eventually you will realize the samplings of love
I bestow on you through others
are purposefully designed to draw you closer to me.
it is only I, who loves you unconditionally,
I am an ever-flowing fountain of love, peace and joy,
I will never disappoint you; I will always be with you.
I mete out to you the exact amount of pain you cause others,
because I want you to be compassionate.
I want you to be able to give love and equally as important,
I want you to be able to receive love.
how else will you learn to love me?
how will you learn to accept my love?
the moment you realize the error of your ways,
the moment you sincerely regret the pain you cause others,
I forgive you; I nourish you with my tender mercies.
remember, I never stop loving you for you are my precious child.

"Amen." the priest said, looking back up. "And we will now here from Carol's husband, Dr. Doug Ross."

Slowly standing up, Doug made his way up the alter, passing by Carol's casket on the way. Wiping a tear that fell from his face quickly, he took his place and looked out to the crowd.

"I loved Carol from the first day I set my eyes on her. Her every move, every word, made me want to love her more. I don't understand why she let me back into her life after the way I betrayed her the first time around. But she did. And I thank god everyday for giving me that second chance. If she hadn't I don't know what would have happened to me. We would never had had our daughters, never gotten the chance to say we loved each other again." he managed to say, as he tried catching his breath. Looking down from where he stood, he could see Carol lying in her casket. "When she told me she had cancer, I can't even remember how long I held her, as she cried. I wanted to cry, but I felt I needed to be strong, but I felt that day, for the third time in my life, my world was crashing down. But I tried to be as supportive as I could, I went with her to all of her treatments, tried to make her feel as comfortable as I could. I made sure I brought Tess and Kate to see her everyday when she was in the hospital." he managed to let out, as the tears continued. "I love her, and I always will." he sobbed as the priest helped him down and he took his seat.

****************************************************************************************

All of me, come on, get all of me.
Can't you see I'm just a mess without you?
Take my lips, I want to lose them.
Get a piece of these arms, I'll never use them.

*************************************************************

A light rain had begun to fall that afternoon, as the sun fell behind the clouds, and it grew dark, like in an old sad movie. The grass was saturated as the crowd of people trudged through it, kicking up the mud as the stepped. Puddles lined the street, awaiting the two small girls to jump in them and laugh. But they did no such thing, the puddles stood still, untouched.

The casket sat above the grave, the lid now closed, as a steady line of people, each holding a single rose took their final turn, to say goodbye. Most were without coats, and didn't care. Everyone was crying openly, comforting each other. This was a day many had thought would never come. Carol Hathaway, their friend for so many years was actually gone. Taken by a disease they had all seen so often take the lives of those they didn't know. But it had now claimed a friend, a family member.

The casket was lowered as the rain began to fall more steadily. Everyone stood around it, watching it as it was lowered. Doug had hold of Tess and Kate, whose faces were buried in his thighs, muffling their sobs. Helen stood next to him, her face buried in her hands.

"My baby." she was mumbling as the tears fell. "Why did you take my baby?"

"I want mommy." Tess cried, as she pulled her face back, and the tears fell down, as her face grew redder and redder. "Get her back!"

"I want her too baby." Doug replied, running his hand through her hair. "We'll be ok."

*****Flashback*****

Doug was in his office in Seattle, working on old charts as he stared at the picture of Carol on the desk. It was all he ever stared at. It was surprising he hadn't taped it to the television screen. He could only imagine what she looked like, her pregnant belly, their two babies kicking around inside.

He began wandering the house, stopping in the kitchen for a can of soda as the telephone rang.

"Hello, Doug Ross."

"Doug." was all he heard on the other end.

"Carol?"

"It's me."

"Oh." he said in surprise, he wasn't expecting to hear from her. "How are you?"

"They're here." was all she said.

He felt a lump form in his throat as she told him. "The twins?"

She nodded on the other end of the phone, though he couldn't see her. "Two girls Doug."

"Two girls." he repeated, in a state of shock. "Carol..."

"Tess and Kate." she said, before he even had the chance to ask.

"Tess." he repeated, "You used the name."

He could remember back to the previous year, when they had first discussed children. The only name he could ever think of that he loved for a girl was Tess. Each time he mentioned it, she would wrinkle her nose, not agreeing with the selection.

"It grew on me,” she giggled. "Doug, they're beautiful."

"I always knew they would be." he replied, wanting to hold them, aching to hold them. "Did you have to do it alone Carol?"

She didn't respond for a moment. "No, um.. Mark, he was here."

Doug let out a small sigh on the other end of the phone. *He* had wanted to be there. He wanted to watch his children come into the world. *He* wanted to cut the cord, see them cry their first cry.

"And Abby Lockhart, she's an OB nurse. She was great Doug."

"Abby.." he mumbled, trying to remember. "She's got brown hair right? On the short side?"

"Yes."

"I remember her, she's a sweet girl."

Carol swallowed, as she held Kate in her arms. The baby had fallen asleep, and she looked to the bassinet next to her, where Tess lay, her eyes wide open.

"Can I come see them, please Carol?" he asked, taking a deep breath. "I'll stay at a hotel, I won't come around much. I just want to see them, they're my daughters."

He could hear the sigh on the other end of the phone. "Doug, I don't know.."

"Please Carol." he pleaded, his heart aching.

She had let out another sigh. "You can come."

*****End Flashback*****

The crowd began to thin as the casket was lowered. Most were walking slowly through the rain towards their cars. But, the entire staff of County who had attended, was still there. All huddled together, like a small family. There was Kerry, standing with Mark and Elizabeth. Luka was there, his arms wrapped around Abby. Carter was across from Doug, standing with Lydia and Haleh, who were both engulfed in sobs. Chuny was with Randi and Dave, who were standing with Jing-Mei and Cleo. Even Peter had come. It seemed the entire ER staff had shown up, half of them had barley known Carol, yet they all wanted to say goodbye.

As they all looked on, Doug let his grip go on Tess and Kate for one moment. He himself stepped up close to the grave, and threw the one flower left, into it. A single white rose. They all watched as it fell slowly, and landed a top the casket.

“I love you Carol.” He whispered softly, taking one last look at the grave before turning his back to it. “I’ll always love you.”

*******************************

You're good-bye left me with eyes that cry.
How can I ever make it without you?
You know, you've got the part used to be my heart,
So why not, why not take all of me?

*******************************

4/06/01