Anyway, so we get there, and we're eating our food, (I'm rocking the breakfast at 1:30 AM thing, having my ham eggs and cheese on toast with some hash browns and a cherry coke) and Screwdriver's hitting on some bitches next to us, and I'm all hating on my hash browns cuz they gave me way too fucking much, and I don't even like them that much when they're all loose and stringy and shit. I like em more when they're like, in hash brown biscuits or whatever like at Mc Donald's or Booger Fling.

Anyway, so Screwdriver's like, "Yo, we should go hit up a titty bar." I looked at my eighty dollar Fossil, fresh-ass watch that blinks from red to black and back again, and I say, "Dogg, it's like, 1:45 in the morning -  all the tittie bars close in like, 45 minutes." And right then, as if it were some sort of a movie or something, our waiter rolls up on us, and he's like, "Nope, there's one in Menasha that's open til 4AM." Which is wierd, cuz I always thought he was gay, but whatever. Anyhow, so we're like, "STRAIGHT," and we bail. We got lost on the way there, but fuck it, that's not the important part.

So, we got to this place called Vixen's in Menasha, about 20 minutes from Oshkosh, and we jumped in the door, paid a fat 8 bucks to get in, and then hit up the ATM for some "spending money." We got some OJ, and chilled by the stage, watching the shows. Anyway, after the first 3 girls, and buying 3 raffle tickets for a free lapdance, I was like, half-empty on cash, so we sat in the back row where we didn't have to tip.

Just as we sit down, this chick rolls up on stage wearing these kitty ears and a tail strapped onto her panties. She was fucking gorgeous - by far the best looking bitch in the place. BY FAR. She was, for lack of a better word, PERFECT. I was so sprung, I couldn't stand up to go to the tipping rail to pay her some props.

Anyway, she did her 2 songs, got off of the stage, and walks over by me. Turns out this bouncer standing behind me (who I didn't even notice) and her were friends, and she came over to talk to him. She looks at me and Screwdriver, and says, "Sorry guys, but now ya gotta watch me get dressed." And I said, "Nah, it's cool. I don't think I've ever been THIS close to someone THIS good looking being THIS naked in my life, so if ya don't mind, I'ma just stare and drool for a while."

Then, she looks down at my sleeve, and sees the yellow Hatchetman on it - I was sporting my Blaze hockey jersey - and she's like, "YOU SUCK!" And I'm thinking, "Oh, great, ANOTHER fucking hater." I was about to get all in her face, but that bouncer was like twice my size, and while I'm ready to throw down with anyone anytime, I know I woulda lost. So, just as I'm about to open my mouth to say something, she says, "I want that shirt!"

My wig damn near split right in two.

Turns out she's a down-ass Juggalette, and she's been to all these shows and shit, and she's been to all the JCW events, and all that old shit. So, we're talking music, and Juggalo shit, and I ask her if she does private dances, and she did, so I said I'd think about getting a hookup. ($20 is a lot to have some hot chick you could never fuck shove her shit in your face while you just sit there helpless.)

So, of course, I cave, because the most beautiful girl in the place and I get along like family, and I have a chance to have her bare ass 2 inches from my nose for five minutes. So, I paid my 20 bones, and waited for her to show.

She shows up, wearing this kimono, robe thing, and she's like, "Come on into this back room." So, we go into this big, almost-empty room, where they got those big leather "Chair and a half's" all over, and she tells me to sit down, and she does her thing - strips, straddles the chair, shoves her cookie 2 inches from my nose, rubs her tits on my face, all of that. The whole time we're talking about shit like nothing's going on. Turns out she tried to dance to Twiztid once, but the owner said it was too edgy, and not sexy enough, so whatever. She does dance to Marz every now and again, which is fresh. Now, I'm as much of a Juggalo and as down with the clown as the next guy, but fuck - no matter what happened to Dark Lotus, Marz still kicks ass. She said next time she went out on stage - which was gonna be in like 20 minutes - she was gonna have the dj play Marz just for me and her. HOW FUCKING COOL IS THAT?!?!?

So, our time was up, and she got dressed... AGAIN. Then, she saw my Ringmaster hat, and she says, "Man, you get all the good merch." And so I said, "Well, I'll tell ya what. Unless it's not yours to haggle over, I'd be willing to trade the hat for your kitty ears you wore out there on stage." But, they weren't hers to barter, so I was assed out.

Then, she says "Well, how much is that jersey worth to ya?" And I replied, "Well, they don't make em anymore, but what're ya willing to trade for it?" (wink wink, nudge nudge) At which point she says, "Well, I was wondering if you'd let me sign it...?"

Now, keep in mind, this chick just got done shoving her bare naked pussy in my face, making me bigger and harder than a telephone pole. Like I'm gonna say NO to her. Of course I let her sign it. Any one of you motherfuckers would have done the same damn thing.

So, she signs "I LOVE THIS MAN! *heart* KARLEY" right above where it says "BLAZE" on the front. I walked back out to the crowd in a daze, sat down, and resisted jerking off as best I could, until she went back up on stage.

She got back up on stage, and you BET I went back down to the tipping rail, and watched - half in a daze, half in love. She did her first song - some techno, dancey thing, which was kinda stale, but then she looks right over at me as the song ended, and points at the dj, then to me, as if to say, "This one's for you, OddBall." Then the DJ says something like, "Now, here's a lil surprise for Karley," and played some stupid song, I think just to piss her off. She did her thing, and eventually made her way over to me, leaned in by me, and said in my ear, "Sorry, this guy's an asshole. I told him what song I wanted, but..." And I was like, "Don't even worry about it - ain't no thang"I then gave her another undisclosed amount of money, and she shoved her tits in my face again, gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, and said, "THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT WAS SO COOL MEETING YOU."

And then I went home. I kept smelling my jersey because it smelled like her. I've worn it to bed almost every night since. One of these days, I'm going back there, and I'm gonna see if I can get a few pictures taken with me and her, and the jersey. I'm gonna get the shirt and the pics framed together, and hang it on my wall.

And that was the night I fell in love with a stripper.