I wanted to scream with frustration. How the hell did he always know? I debated not opening the door, but I knew his patience would outlast mine. I closed my eyes and took a moment to compose myself before striding across the room and opening the door roughly, practically yanking it off its hinges.
“Hey Jace.” He said, but the casual tone is his voice belied the knowledge that lay in his eyes.
Those fucking eyes.
“Lance.”
“Want to watch a movie in my room?”
“No, thanks.”
“You all right?”
He always knew.
“Yeah.” I averted my gaze and developed a sudden interest in the socks I was wearing.
“You sure?”
I looked at him again. He knew – but there was no way in hell that I was going to admit it.
“I’m fine.”
He gave me one last look with those eyes and then wordlessly turned away from me and walked back to his room. I swore under my breath and I closed my door again. There was absolutely no rational reasoning behind my feelings for him. He’s just one of my best friends...and he’s a man.
“Dammit.”
“Dude, you ok?”
I shook my head to clear the memory from it and I looked at Chris and tried to focus on him. He was waving his fingers in front of my face and I squeezed my eyes shut and then opened them again.
“Huh?”
“Did you fall asleep?” He grinned.
“No, I was just...thinking.”
“I thought I smelled something burning,” Joey laughed.
I shot a glare in Joey’s direction and stood up. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with anyone’s shit. I made the mistake of making eye contact with Lance before I left the room. I hadn’t been in my room long when there was a knock.
“Go away Lance.”
“Open the door JC. I’m not going away until you do.”
“Have a nice wait.”
“Come on Josh,” Lance said softly. “Please open the door.”
Fuck.
I got off the bed and opened the door. I made a quick retreat back to the bed and ignored him. I felt him sit on the bed beside me and I felt the heat of his gaze as he watched me.
“Josh, there’s obviously something bothering you – why don’t you talk to one of us about it?”
I rolled over on my side so I didn’t have to face him.
“Go away Lance.” I mumbled into my pillow.
“No.”
Exasperated, I rolled over and looked at him.
“Can you just leave me alone? If something was bothering me – which nothing is – I would talk about it. So just go away.”
“No.”
I sat up and ran a hand through my already unkempt hair. I crossed my legs and placed my hands in my lap.
“How do you always know?”
I almost laughed when I saw the look of confusion on Lance’s face.
“Know what?”
“You always know when something is going on with one of us. I mean...”
“Not all the time.” Lance shrugged. “I just seem to be more in tune with you for some reason.”
“But why?”
Lance murmured something under his breath that I didn’t quite catch.
“What?”
“It’s because I love you!” He almost yelled. He immediately lowered his voice. “I love you, ok?”
Whoa. That was the last thing I ever expected him to say. The very thought that he reciprocated the feelings I had for him...
“And Jace...” Lance paused and took a deep breath. “I know about the other stuff too. I know you haven’t been happy and I know that you’ve thought about...about...”
“About killing myself?”
His eyes had tears in them when he looked at me and nodded. A single tear rolled down his face and he wiped it away.
“Lance...do you...do you know why I haven’t done it? Why I haven’t had the courage?”
He shook his head.
“Because every time I start thinking about how to do it and when...I automatically start thinking about you and I can’t follow through. Especially when you knock on my door just as I’m about to try.”
“I...”
I didn’t let him finish. I grabbed his face in my hands and pressed my lips against his.
“You’re the one who keeps bringing me back from the edge.” I whispered against his lips. “And I love you too.”
“Josh,” Lance pulled his lips away from mine and studied my face. “If I had told you this earlier, would you still have...”
“I don’t know Lance,” I answered him honestly.
But I knew now that if I wanted to...I could die happy.
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