And hardness, it sets in
You need some protection, the thinner the skin
I want you to know
That you don't need me anymore
I want you to know
You don't need anyone or anything at all
Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know which way the wind will blow
Who's to say when the time has come around
Don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye
In the summer I can taste the salty sea
There's a kite blowing out of control on a breeze
I wonder what's gonna happen to you
You wonder what has happened to me
I'm a man
I'm not a child
A man who sees
The shadow behind your eyes
Who's to say where the wind will take you?
Who's to say what it is will break you?
I don't know where the wind will blow
Who's to know when the time has come around?
I don't wanna see you cry
I know that this is not goodbye
~Lyrics by U2
*************************
"Hey sweetheart, how're you holding up?"
"Momma, you didn't have to come here. What happened to Thanksgiving at the house?"
"It just didn't seem right without the two of you. We're waiting for Josh to be released. He's going to need a good home cooked meal to build his strength back up. The rest of the family sends their love."
"I wish his family could do the same. Would you like to see him?"
"I'd love to if he's feeling up to it. When do his doctors think he can come home?"
"He had his last round of radiation and chemo a week ago. Dr. Adams said he should be ready to come home with me tomorrow if everything goes well. They aren't sure yet if the bone marrow transplant helped."
"You just have to be strong, Justin."
"But it's so hard to see him in pain and not be able to help him." They stopped outside the door to JC's room and Justin took a deep breath to calm himself. Justin opened the door and noticing that JC was sleeping, walked quietly over to the bed.
"Josh...wake up, Blue-eyes. There's someone here to see you."
"I'm not really up to company right now, Justin." His voice was a hoarse whisper and Lynne cringed, knowing how much effort went into his simple reply.
"I just wanted to say hello to my oldest son," she said softly.
"Lynne, you shouldn't be here. Don't you have a big dinner to cook for the family," he asked slowly turning over in the bed. Lynne fought to swallow back the bile that quickly rose in her throat as she set eyes on the man her son called lover. His skin was almost transluscent it was so pale and every bone was defined, making his normally angular face and prominent cheekbones seem distorted. A fleece ski cap now sat on his head where the thick dark hair no longer was.
"You're family too, Josh. The boys didn't want to celebrate without you, so we're holding off on that big dinner," she said touching his face lightly.
"Send them my love then."
"Has Dr. Adams stopped by yet?"
"He's making his rounds right now. They are running late because Meghan went into a coma last night. Dear God she's only twelve..."
"Good morning, Joshua." Three sets of eyes settled onto the dark-haired man walking through the door.
"How would you like to go home today?"
"No more needles at three in the morning or chemo making me yack up lunch? Hell yes, I would love to go home."
"Sue Ellen is taking care of your paper work right now. I need to check a few things out, but you'll be ready to go after that."
"I'll wait outside for you two then."
"Lynne, thank you...for everything." She simply smiled and left the room while the doctor started his exam.
"Your latest test results should be back in a five to seven days."
"That long? We used to get them within a day."
"I know, but our lab is backed up because two technicians are out on maternity leave and we sent your blood work to a sister hospital in the hopes that they could process it faster. I have some rules for you to follow for this trip home, Josh. I'm leaving the IV in since you are probably going to be around a lot more people than just Justin. After a week, you should have built up enough anitbodies and a nurse will come over to take the IV out of your hand. I'm sending you home with antibiotics that Justin can inject right into the IV line if you develop a reaction to anything. I can't stress enough that your immune system right now is almost non-existent. It had to be killed off so that your body wouldn't reject the new bone marrow and the healthy cells it will hopefully produce. Make sure that you take your iron supplement everyday, otherwise the anemia will get the better of you."
"I'll be careful, I promise."
"I know you will be. Okay, I'm done with the lectures now. I'll let you get dressed and as soon as I have your results, I'll call you." JC fought to fully sit up on his own and though it pained him to watch, Justin understood his need to do things by himself and feel independent.
"Justin, could you help me with my pants?"
"Sure thing, sweetness," he said picking up the pair of cotton drawstring pants at the end of the bed. JC placed his arms around Justin's neck and held on as tightly as he could while Justin helped him stand and pulled the pants up over his hips. Once he had them tied, he helped JC sit back on the bed and reached for his sweatshirt.
"We're doing this backwards, J," JC said as his arms were lifted and Justin slipped the garment on him, "you're supposed to be trying to take my clothes off me." Justin let out a small chuckle and looked around for the socks and sandals JC insisted on wearing when he had to make a hospital visit.
"Do you ever wish you'd done things differently," JC whispered, trying to keep the pain he felt out of his voice.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you ever wish you hadn't gotten involved with me? That we hadn't met on the Mouse Club? That we hadn't met again that day when Tony called you to LA to work with him?"
"What...Josh, no! Right at this moment you are the best thing in my life."
"I'm nothing but a burden, Justin. I'm wasting away in this hospital room spending money on treatments that aren't improving my condition. I haven't produced a single song since I first got sick last year. Do you remember the last time that we had any kind of intimate contact? You haven't been able to kiss me since the transplant because you might make me sick. You won't touch me like you used to because you're afraid I'm going to bruise. In one year, leukemia has taken my life from me."
"So you just want me to sit back and watch you die???"
"Justin, no, that's...I don't want that at all. I'm talking about quality of life here. If we find out that this transplant didn't work, then I'm done."
"Josh...you can't be serious."
"This transplant was our last ditch effort. We knew going in that if it didn't work, I had no other options. I want to spend the rest of my time living, not wasting away just waiting to die. I'd much rather be at home with you."
"Okay guys, time to go," a jovial nurse said walking into the room pushing a wheelchair.
"You're all checked out and ready whenever you'd like to move."
"Thank you Sue Ellen. Have a good holiday."
*************************
Two Weeks Later
"Justin....wake up babe. Stop mumbling. We have to go get our tree so we can put it up and decorate."
"But m'comfortable here..."
"Tell it to someone else, sweets. You promised me we'd take care of the tree today."
"I know...I know, I was just hoping that you'd wake up later than...nine on a Sunday morning. Okay, let me get showered and we'll go get ourselves a damn huge tree. Has Dr. Adams called yet with your results? It's been two weeks."
"He um...he called this morning at seven...had me make an appointment for tomorrow morning so he could talk to me about them." Justin sat down rather suddenly in the spot on the bed he just vacated.
"You don't think it's good news, do you?"
"I'm really not sure. That's one of the reasons I really want to do the whole Christmas decoration thing with you today. It just may be my last go at it," he said softly.
"Jesus Josh!" He hadn't known what to expect when he told Justin about the appointment, but it certainly wasn't open hostility. He could only look on in shock as Justin slammed the door to the master bath. He didn't want to be without Justin anymore than Justin wanted to be without him. JC spent the two hours between the call from his doctor and waking Justin attempting to come to terms with the idea that he may not be able to grow old or raise a family with the man he loved. He wasn't ready to die after just twenty-eight years of life...three of those spent with Justin. But he wasn't going to let himself slip back into the anger that had consumed him just months ago when he was told that the cancer was growing rapidly and the drugs and radiation they were pumping into his body weren't making the progress they should. His shock soon wore off and he went to the bathroom with the intent of apologizing to Justin. JC found him standing at the sink, one hand resting on the mirror and the other splashing water on his face.
"Justin, I'm sor--"
"Please, JC, don't apologize. You didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes...I just get scared. I can't really imagine being without you and when you talk about it...it's just makes it real and I have to realize that it's a possibility."
"I get scared all the time when I think about not being with you...there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean I'm any less affected by it. But I can't let fear rule my life. You and I both need to start living for each day that we have together. Justin, whatever we hear tomorrow, I want you to promise me that you aren't going to stop living a normal life. You have your third album that you were working on when I got sick...I want you to finish it."
"I promise, but I'm going to need you to help me with it. The record label kinda dumped me when I told them that I had to take a break for an extended period of time due to sickness in the family."
"I'll help you produce it and show you everything you need to know about the boards that you don't already. Are we okay?"
"Yeah, we're okay. I want something from you though," he said slowly pulling Josh closer to him.
"Really now...what's that...hmn?"
"Oh...just this," he said kissing him tenderly. He playfully bit JC's lip and the older man swatted him on the ass.
"Enough molesting of the Josh! Can we go get our tree now?"
"Yes, we can go get you a Charlie Brown tree now. Let me get in the shower."
"Charlie Brown tree? I don't think so! We're getting a huge tree. It would look stupid to put a little tree in that huge room."
"You are such a girl," he muttered getting into the shower.
*************************
"I don't care if red and green are the colors of the season, Justin. I don't want the room to look like it's on fire because you insisted on every decoration on it being red. Besides, your brothers are going to be over here a lot and if you put a bunch of glass ornaments on there, they are just going to break them. I say we make it a kids tree. Why don't we invite them over and make popcorn and cranberry garland and help them decorate it?" He turned to look at Justin and saw that the tears pooled there were almost ready to fall.
"Justin, what's wrong? Was it something I said?"
"It's nothing...I just...I wish we had time to have kids of our own. You sound just like my daddy."
"Justin, you'll have kids. Hey, don't argue with me. You promised me, remember? You told me that you'd move on with your life and I want you to have the chance to be a father, Justin."
"I love you...that's...I just...love you."
*************************
"Thank you from coming on such short notice," Dr. Adams said as the two men sat down, "I'm glad you're both here. I got your blood work back Friday evening and it doesn't look like the transplant has taken. You're number of white blood cells are extremely high and they are still abnormal. I'd like to test you again in a few weeks after you go through some more radiation and--"
"Thank you, Dr. Adams, but I'd rather not go through all that again just to find out that it isn't working. I'd like to thank you for all your help though."
"Well, I must say that I wish you'd return to a treatment plan, but I do understand your desire not to. If you'd like, I can give you a few perscriptions for pain medications...towards the end, if you'd like them."
"How long?"
"Six to eight months at most, two to four at the very least. I'm sorry Josh. I wish I had answers for you."
"No...it's...I'm okay. Come on Justin...we have a Christmas dinner to plan."
*************************
Two Years Later
"Mr. Timberlake! Over here!"
"Justin! Over here please!"
He walked slowly up the red carpet, hand in hand with the love of his life. When he had been asked to come to this charity event, he had been rather skeptical, not to mention extremely nervous. It had been a while since he'd made any kind of public appearance.
"Okay, Blue-eyes, I have to go make my speech. I'll see in a few."
As he was escorted backstage, he ran over the speech in his mind.
"Please don't let me screw this up," he said under his breath, "Josh, baby, this one is for you. Put in a good word for me with the big guy."
"And now, The Foundation for Cancer Research would like to introduce our guest speaker, Mr. Justin Timberlake." He took a deep breath and began to walk to the podium with a slight smile on his face.
"Good evening, everyone. I know more than a few of you are wondering why exactly I'm the guest speaker for tonight's function, and to be honest, I was wondering the same thing until a few hours ago. I'm here to support a friend of mine. We first met on the set of a little show y'all might have heard of called The New Mickey Mouse Club. You heard me right...we were once Mousketeer brats. I was so drawn to Josh...from the moment I first moment I saw him, I knew that music was his passion. Later on I started to believe that maybe he treated it as his mistress since we never heard him talk about a significant other in his life. The show ended and we all had to scramble to find ourselves and I remember thinking, "Josh won't have any problems looking for a job. He's going to make it big with his music." He went off to LA and I went home to Tennessee with my parents because what else is a 14-year-old going to do, right?" The crowd chuckled and Justin smiled a little more.
"Josh and I lost touch for a few years. I worked my butt off in Tennessee at all sorts of odd jobs and wrote music in the random time off I found. With the money that I saved up and some help from my parents, I was able to get into a recording studio to make a demo tape. We shopped it around to a few labels and it didn't look like it was going anywhere. That's when I got a call from my friend Tony Lucca, a fellow Mouseketeer. He was looking for a writing partner and someone had given him my name. I caught the next plane out to LA that day eager to get something done. I was eighteen at the time. Tony picked me up at the airport and we went straight to the studio...and that's when I met Josh again. He'd been hired by Sony not long after he went to LA and had built a name for himself as a producer. I was shocked to learn that he had listened to my demo and had Tony contact me. We wrote together and reworked some of the original songs on my demo tape and he produced them out of his own pocket. I landed a deal and Josh and I fell in love.
"I realize that bit of information is going to be a shock for many people, but I feel like the world is ready to hear it now. Josh refused to act on any of his feelings until I was twenty-one and a "full grown man capable of making my own decisions." I understood later that he didn't want anyone to think that the only reason I got my record deal was because I had something going on with the boss. The next two years went by in a whirlwind of recording, promoting and loving together. And then Josh began to get sick. He never had any energy, he bruised a lot more than normal and the glands in his throat became extremely swollen. We found out that it was leukemia about a month after his symptoms appeared. I told my label that I had to take and extended period of time off due to an illness in the family and even though they weren't happy about it, I spent the next year-and-a-half taking care of the man I called friend, lover, husband and soulmate. We tried every treatment possible, but the cancer just seemed to spread too quickly for us to keep ahead of it. Two years ago in July, he asked me to drive him down to the Gulf of Mexico...he wanted to see the water one last time. We sat on the beach all day shaded by an outrageously bright rainbow umbrella just watching the children play. He told me that he loved me and I just knew by the look in his eyes that this was it...the moment I had dreaded since the beginning. He said that he wasn't afraid and that he'd be waiting for me. A little girl ran by us with a huge red kite and he exhaled for the last time.
"I finished a song he had started working on the last month he was alive. Kite was our last brainchild together. His life was cut far too short, and he wasn't able to see his son, but I think he knows about Ethan. I'm guessing he's the little man's guardian angel. I've donated proceeds from the two albums I released since Josh died to this foundation in the hopes that others won't have to lose a loved one so early on in life. Thank you so much for your time and have a great evening." He smiled and stepped down from the podium.
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