"JC, even if you could change my mind, I'd have to leave. I can't keep doing this...living this lie. I love you and I always will, but we are too different to make this marriage work anymore."
"How can you say that, Jules? We've stayed together this long."
"Look at us, JC. I can't even leave without us fighting. I can't remember the last time we made love. Our hearts haven’t been in it for a while. We've become two ships that pass each other blindly in the night."
"So we'll work harder, Jules. Please, don't do this!" She closed the suitcase and turned around to look at him. Tears were running down his face, yet she remained incredibly calm. He walked over to his wife, taking her face between his hands and looking for a sign that this was all just a cruel joke.
"Do I at least get a kiss goodbye?" She stepped away from him and walked towards their bedroom door.
"Goodbye, JC. My lawyer will be in contact with you soon." Julia walked out of the room and out of the house for the last time. JC couldn't stand the silence that settled once she left. He started to walk out of the house without a destination in mind.
"When had things gone so wrong between us," he asked himself. He racked his brain and relived their two-year marriage step by step. His mind suddenly latched onto one event.
"The miscarriage...she hadn’t really been the same since then. But the arguing had started before that," he admitted. Before he realized it, he was standing on the doorstep of one of his oldest friends. Andrea...he could always talk to her and she'd never judge. JC knocked and when he didn’t get an answer, he tried turning the knob. It was unlocked and her could hear her mulling about in the kitchen. He heard the song she was singing along with for the first time as he walked towards her voice. He stopped when the chill of recognition skittered down his spine. It fit Julia almost perfectly.
***************
The winter here's cold and bitter
It's chilled us to the bone
We haven't seen the sun for weeks
Too long too far from home
I feel just like I'm sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
It's better this way I said
Haven't seen this place before
Where everything we say and do
Hurts us all the more
It's just that we've stayed too long
In the same old sickly skin
I'm pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
But oh darkness I feel like letting go
If all of the strength and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I could love you much better than this
Full of grace
I know I can love you much better than this
It's better this way
**************
Andi was startled by the sound of JC crying once again and turned around as he sat on the barstool by the island.
"Julia?" JC nodded and looked down at his hands. She set the teapot on the stove to warm before walking to where he sat and hugging him to her. One hand gently rubbed his neck at his hairline and the other rubbed his back.
"I just don't understand it, Andi. I loved her with every fiber of my being and that wasn't enough for her."
"There are just some things that we're never meant to understand, J. I still don't understand Michael's suicide, but I've learned that it wasn't my fault. Something just wasn't right for her. She didn't want to hurt you by staying in what would have been an unhealthy relationship for the both of you. It doesn't seem like it now, but she loved you enough to let you go." Andi brought her hands to lift his head and wiped the tears from his face, brushing the hair from his face and kissing his forehead. Before she could stop him, he brought her mouth down to his and kissed her with everything he felt. Dizzy...he felt dizzy when he kissed her...his best friend.
"Mmmmmmm...Josh..."
"Oh God, Andi..."
"Josh, no," she said pulling away and catching her breath.
"Andi, I..." He reached up with shaking hands to cup her face and she let her hands rest on top of his.
"You're too emotional right now. A couple of months down the road, maybe I'll let you do that again if you still want to, Josh, but not now. You're still kissing her in your mind."
"Keep your calendar cleared for a few months for me, Andi. I'm still going to want to do that." The teapot whistled and she pulled away from him completely.
"How does a nice hot cup of tea sound?"
"Perfect Andi," he said with a smile, "just perfect." He realized from that point on that things would be different between them.
(**song written and performed by Sarah McLachlan**)
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