(It's Hard) Letting You Go

The funeral had been a draining experience, both physically and emotionally for JC. He felt as though he'd buried a part of himself when the first handful of dirt had been tossed on the casket at the graveside service. Six months had passed since that day and JC was still grieving the loss of his Andi girl. Nothing in the house had changed since her death, and the rest of the guys weren't sure if that was a help or a hinderance to their friend. Since Jocelyn was now staying with JC and the girls while attending the local University, she knew JC's routine. He would make two cups of coffee every morning and place one on the counter by the stool Andrea used to sit in while she read the morning paper. The coffee sat there untouched until he dumped the cold substance in the sink after the girls left for school. Jocelyn couldn't understand how he did it everyday. She knew he didn't sleep more than a few hours a night, yet he was the perfect picture of a father during the day. The only time she'd seen him show how much he was still hurting was when he walked into what had been his and Andrea's room at the end of the day to put Ethan to bed. She could hear JC crying for hours each night and Jocelyn was glad that her room shared a wall with the master bedroom so that Abigail and Natalie wouldn't hear their father's tormented cries.

***************

It ain't no fun lying down to sleep
And there ain't no secrets left for me to keep
I wish the stars up in the sky
Would all just call in sick
And the clouds would take the moon out
On some one-way trip

I drove all night down streets that wouldn't bend
But somehow they drove me back here once again
To the place I lost at love, and the place I lost my soul
I wish I'd just burn down this place that we called home
It would all have been so easy
If you'd only made me cry
And told me how you're leaving me
To some organ grinder's lullaby

It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

***************

JC knew that he needed to move on for the sake of his children if nothing more, but it was so painfully difficult. At Justin's request, he'd gone to see a grief specialist, but it didn't seem to help. Even when he thought he'd made some small amount of progress, some tiny thing would remind him of his dead wife. It could be anything from hearing one of her favorite songs on the radio, to smelling the jasmine perfume she used to wear every time he lay his head on the pillow to try to sleep. During the day, it was easier to deal with the fact that he couldn't just call her to chat or see her walk through the door with a tired smile on her face because there was always something to distract him. It was still tough to realize that she wouldn't be coming home at the end of the day. He almost wished they'd divorced instead of this, because at least then there was the chance that he'd see her again. Death had robbed him of half his soul. Jocelyn was an absolute Godsend in his opinion. He never asked it of her, but she was amazing when it came to taking care of the kids.

"Morning, Josh," she said walking down the stairs to the kitchen, Abby and Nattie following close behind.

"Good morning, how are the three beautiful women living in my house doing today?"

"Daddy, Lynnie is the only woman here. I'm still a girl," Abby reminded her father. The attitude and look she gave him was so Andi that he had to laugh.

"You're just like your mother, kid," he said kissing her cheek.

"Do you girls have your bags packed for school? The bus should be here soon." They nodded as he picked up the breakfast dishes and put them by the sink to be rinsed.

"Daddy, we don't ride a real bus."

"It's just a force of habit to call it that, Sweetpea. There's Dre now. Okay, here are your lunches and I'll pick you up at three." He gave them each a kiss as they ran out to the van and waved as they backed out of the drive.

"So why aren't you headed to class?"

"One of my professors is having a baby and the other is gone to a conference. So I have the day off...no bio lab."

"You know that's really cool that you're pre-med. Your Mom, well Andi, would be so proud." He looked down at the counter and tried to keep the tears in his eyes hidden.

"Josh, you need to let her go. This isn't healthy for you. Do you honestly think my mother would want to see you like this?"

"She'd kick my ass..."

"Damn right she would. I realize it's hard for you, Josh, but you have too much life left in you to just let it waste away. I mean, when was the last time you slept through the whole night?"

***************

Now the sky, it shines a different kind of blue
And the neighbor's dog don't bark like he used to
Well - me, these days
I just miss you - it's the nights that I go insane
Unless you're coming back for me
That's one thing I know that won't change

It's hard, so hard - it's tearing out my heart
It's hard letting you go

***************

"The night of the funeral when they drugged me just to calm me down was the last time I slept more than two hours. That used to be our time, Jocelyn. No matter what happened during the day, it was always just us then. I miss holding her, being held by her. Most of my best memories are just being with her in our room, our bed. She was my best friend, the one who would always understand me. She accepted all my faults and quirks. She loved me since the day you were born, Jocelyn. We went through so much together. I actually feel like I'm missing a part of myself."

"She's all around you, Josh. She's in your heart, your mind and those three beautiful children you made together. Who knows, maybe you'll find someone to love again. But you need to let go of the pain first. You don't need to lose your memories of her, but you need to be happy."

***************

Now some tarot card shark said I'll draw you a heart
And we'll find you somebody else new
But I've made my last trip to those carnival lips
When I bet all that I had on you

It's hard, it's hard, it's hard, so hard
It's hard letting you go
It's hard, so hard, it's tearing out my heart
But it's hard letting you go

(It's been five thousand hours
Two hundred days
And I curse every minute
Since you went away

It's hard, it's hard, it's hard, so hard
It's hard, letting you go
Oh it's hard
Letting you go)

***************

Ethan started to wake up and cry then and JC knew she was right. He had to let go of the pain to enjoy life, but that didn't mean that he had to forget Andrea.

"Thanks, Jocelyn," he said hugging her.

"Now, let's go see what his royal highness wants," she said making a face.

"Hush you! I know you love your little brother," he laughed as they walked up the stairs. Jocelyn hung back slightly and smiled. That was the first genuine laugh she'd heard from JC since meeting him at the hospital. As she walked by the huge window in the hallway, she looked out and could have sworn she saw Andrea smiling at her before turning away. Jocelyn blinked and the vision was gone. JC walked up behind her, cradling his son to his chest.

"What are you looking at, Lynnie?"

"Huh? Oh, nothing, just thinking about the way the sun is casting shadows on the lawn."

"Andrea used to say that when the sun looked like that, it was as if heaven was smiling down on us." She turned to JC and gently kissed the top of Ethan's fuzzy head and he cooed.

"Yeah...just like heaven smiling down..."

***************

(Song written and performed by Bon Jovi)

Back To Index
Back to Short Stories
Back to the Den