Ed T. Babinski's Bible quiz

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Bible Quiz
by Ed T. Babinski

The following quotations are from Edward T. Babinski's work in progress, Hitting Below the Bible Belt (still seeking a publisher). In 1995 his book Leaving the Fold: Testimonies of Former Fundamentalists was published by Prometheus Books. He has also edited an e-zine titled Cretinism or Evilution and has debated hard-line Christian apologists such as Gary Habermas of Liberty University on the resurrection of Christ. More of Mr. Babinski's web-based writings may be found on Secular Web (Internet Infidels). Future projects by Mr. Babinski include a DVD that will contain his short film, "Paper Dolls in Hell;" as well as a CD containing comedy and funny songs; and a second CD containing some of his fingerstyle 12-string guitar pieces. He doesn't like to label himself in terms of religion, but describes himself as "a modern day Job crying out 'Why, Oh God, Why?' But so far I haven't heard God's voice replying to me out of a whirlwind." Mr. Babinski's two main email addresses are ed.babinski@furman.edu and leonardo3@msn.com.




BIBLE QUIZ

Examine me, O Lord, and test my reins and my heart.
-	Psalm 26:2 (KJV)

[According to Bible scholars, the Hebrew word translated as “reins” (in
the KJV) refers to kidneys, or perhaps testicles, depending on the
scholarly work you consult. Why God would want to “test” such things,
rather than a person’s brain, is one of those ancient mysteries of the
Bible.]
____________________________

QUESTION #1
Which one of the following is edible, according to the Lord God?

a) The rabbit?    
b) The pig?    
c) The lobster?    
d) The grasshopper?

[Answer: d) - According to the book of Leviticus the rabbit, pig, and
lobster are “unclean” animals and must not be eaten, but “you may eat any
kind of locust, katydid, cricket or grasshopper.” (Lev. 11:22, NIV) Yum!
The King James Version of the Bible adds the word “beetle.” Double-Yum!]
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QUESTION #2
“Thou shalt not lend upon usury to thy brother; usury of money, usury of
victuals, usury of anything that is lent upon usury.” (Deut. 23:19) Here
and elsewhere the Lord God prohibits and condemns this abominable practice
of “usury.” Usury means:

a) Having cream in your coffee while eating a hamburger?
b) Having sex with the woman on top?
c) Something else?

[Answer: c) - “Usury” means “lending money at a profit.”]
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QUESTION #3
Solomon “had seven hundred wives, princesses and three hundred concubines”
(1 Kings 11:3). Yet his son, Rehoboam, said, “My little finger shall be
thicker than my father’s loins” (1 Kings 12:10). This explains:

a) The hasty departure of the Queen of Sheba?
b) Solomon’s obsession with cedar beams?

[Answer: None of the above - Rehoboam’s boast concerning his “loin size”
was a metaphor for the way he planned to lay a “heavier yoke” upon his
people than his father Solomon had done. Such a metaphor parallels the
ancient “penis oath” practiced in the Bible, whereby people would swear an
oath or allegiance to a king or tribal leader by “giving the hand
(under),” or, “laying it on” the leader’s generative organ.]
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QUESTION #4
Below are two statements. One of them describes something that Moses and
the Israelites did to the Midianites by “the Lord’s” command. The other
statement is attributed to the bloody conqueror, Ghengiz Khan. Which is
which?

a) A man’s greatest work is to break his enemies, to drive them before
him, take from them all the things that are theirs, and to press in his
arms the most desirable of their women.

b) They killed the men…captured the women…and plundered their goods… “Kill
every male among the little ones…and kill every female who is not a
virgin. But spare the virgins for yourselves.”

[Answer: a) Ghenghiz Khan, b) Moses (Num.31). If you couldn’t tell the
difference between a bloody conqueror and a religious leader and how they
achieved their goals, don’t feel so bad, neither could the Midianites.]
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QUESTION #5
“Woe to the women that sew pillows to all arm holes” (Ezk. 13:18, KJV).
Here and elsewhere the Lord God speaks out against this practice which
“Makes souls to fly.” Thus we are warned against:

a) False gods?    
b) False prophets?    
c) Other?

[Answer: c) - An ancient magical way of cursing people.]
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QUESTION #6  
The “smallest seed” on the face of the earth is 

a) The mustard seed?    
b) The orchid seed?    
c) Onan’s seed?

[Answer: c) - Contrary to what Jesus is recorded as saying in Mark 4:31,
the mustard seed is not “the smallest seed on the face of the earth,” the
orchid seed is smaller. And Onan’s “seed” which he “spilled on the ground”
after refusing to impregnate his brother’s wife (Gen. 38:9) is smaller
still!]
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QUESTION #7
According to Matthew 18:8-9 “thine EYE, HAND or FOOT may offend thee.”
What does this mean?

a) If you get caught peeping in someone’s bedroom window your “eye” should
be arrested?

b) If you grab a woman’s posterior and get slapped, you should say, “It
wasn’t me, it was this #?@! hand?”

c) If you are a Baptist caught in the act of dancing, you should confess,
“My feet made me do it?”

d) All of the above.

EXTRA CREDIT! “Yes” or “No”: If your foot should “offend thee,” why would
the leg not be equally guilty; and could one ever sense some dissent from
one of the toes? [Douglas E. Krueger]

[Answer: The above teaching of Jesus regarding the ways in which a
person’s bodily extremities may “offend” their owner, makes about as much
sense as God “testing” one’s “reins” (kidneys) - as in the verse that was
cited at the beginning of this quiz. So if one of your “reins” failed
“God’s test” maybe you should “cut out” the offending kidney?  “For it is
better to enter eternal life without the body part that offended you,
rather than be cast into eternal fire with it.” (Compare Mat. 18:8)]
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FILL IN THE BLANKS! (QUESTIONS #8 AND #9)

QUESTION #8
And the Lord said, “I will cut off from Jeroboam him that  _______ 
against the wall.” (1 Kings 14:10, KJV)

[Answer: pisseth.  Yes, the “Lord” used such language, “piss” being one of
the seven “Pacifica words” that you can be fined for uttering on radio or
TV in America today.]
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QUESTION #9
And Abraham said to his male servant, “Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my
 _______ , And I will make thee swear by the Lord.” (Gen. 24:2-3 & 47:29,
KJV)  

[Answer: thigh. “Putting one’s hand under the thigh” was a euphemism for
placing it on a person’s genitals. That was apparently how the ancient
Hebrews took solemn oaths because of the blessedness of the “seed” which
God had promised to multiply to Abraham and his descendants. Today we take
solemn oaths by “placing one hand on the Bible.” I guess if we lived in a
“Bible-less” society like Abraham’s, the job of bailiff might be more
“interesting”: “Please step up to the bench, Miss Jones, and place your
right hand under my thigh, and repeat after me, I solemnly swear… OOOO!
You’ve got cold hands Miss Jones!” And Miss Jones would repeat, “I
solemnly swear OOOO!” (Wes “Duke of Doubt” Anderson)]
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GUESS THE PROPHET! (QUESTIONS #10 to #13)

QUESTION #10
Who compared God’s closeness to Israel with the closeness of a man to his
underwear, and was commanded to hide his own underwear in a rock?

[Answer: The Prophet Jeremiah (Jer. 13)]
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QUESTION #11
Who was commanded by God to eat bread baked over human dung, but
complained, so God commanded him instead to eat bread baked over cow dung? 

[Answer: The Prophet Ezekiel (Ez. 4:12-15)]
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QUESTION #12
Who was commanded by God to marry a whore and pay for an adulteress to
live with him; and also expected God to murder fetuses?

[Answer: The prophet Hosea (Hos. 1:2; 3:1-3; 9:11-16)]
____________________________

QUESTION #13
Who said he would go naked and moan like an owl (or like an ostrich,
depending on your translation)? 

[Answer: The prophet Micah (Mic. 1:8)]
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-	Questions 1-3 & 5 by Tony Hendra & Sean Kelly from Not the Bible, with
editing and additional questions by E.T.B., Wes “Duke of Doubt” Anderson &
Douglas E. Krueger

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