He was the only one there, most others preferring to go to the beach during the day and under better conditions. The storm had cleared up, leaving the sand wet as he walked out to the farthest part he could. He sat down, his head a jumble of all emotions he was capable of. His dream played on repeat and ran through his head, mixing in with the memories of so many mornings like that. The most vivid question stuck out for the first time, surprising himself that he could think something that he had heard over and over by others who opposed their relationship. Why did he want her? This confused him; he thought he knew the answer when he had given it on several accounts, he thought he knew when he looked back on their past but now he was perplexed. It was about love, wasn’t it? The reason why he had left Florida, why he had abandoned it all to be there for her, it was because they loved each other...And yet, he still couldn’t shake the nagging feeling in the back of his mind. He thought at first, they hadn’t understood him, his reasons to be with her; now it was starting to seem that even he couldn’t understand it. The dream had been like a drop of reality, a few years too late. He scraped a line in the wet sand, thoughtful, confused, and wishing to feel anything but that. If she had really loved him, why did she leave?...If that was what their relationship was based on, why did she want to be with Jared? Sighing with frustration, he shaped the sand with his hands, needing a drink, needing a smoke, needing...something...The pitless night stared back at him as he leaned back, not caring about the condition of his clothes at the moment...
THE NEXT DAY... “ It’s like...Starting all over again, and I don’t want it to,” AJ spoke vehemently, furiously dragging off of his cigarette and craning his head to see if there were any passing cars. “ I thought I had gained some ground, I was actually proud of myself for doing it but now, now it’s just a wasted effort because I’m back to square one, and all I feel anymore is desperate- and incredibly lonely...And I’m hurting...She wasn’t supposed to leave, she wasn’t supposed to fucking abandon me...” Another couple of cars passed in front of him, increasing his frustration. “ Well, Alex...What can I say?” AJ waited for his father to continue but was met with silence. “...That is after all what happened with your mother and me...But you’ll get through it, son. I mean, you didn’t go and have a child with her, right?” His father gave a little chuckle. AJ stopped the halfway through making the turn, oblivious to it all except for his father’s words, astounded that he would say something like that. “ Alex, how about I give you a call later? The game’s on,” Half of AJ wanted to scream to him all that he had kept bottled inside for so long, the other half was mute and swallowed it, a burning filling his insides. “ Alex?” “ Yeah, ok...” He hung up the phone and stared at it, aghast at what his father had meant. He didn’t notice the traffic picking up again, nor did he notice the SUV headed his way until he heard the loud screech of tires and the earsplitting honk of it’s horns. Startled, he hit the gas pedal and pulled the car over the side of the road. “ I just want all of this to fucking end,” He yelled to himself, once parked, his heart racing as he put his head down on the wheel. Months of this, months of relentless agony, had reduced him to a mind with half the nerves, a man with double the desperation than the one who had flown out of Arizona( his rehab place was in AZ, I think). On the verge of an almost forgotten crying fit, he sat, the sun directly on his closed eyes but all he could see was the black he was feeling...
