1)
Ask to help with specific tasks. "Call me if you need me" is not
a useful offer. Instead say, "I'd love to do some shopping for you
when I do mine. May I?" or "I imagine deocrating the
house will be hard this year. Could I come help you or do it for
you some morning?"
2) Be a good
listener. The holiday will draw out deep feelings for surviving families.
Many will feel they must talk about their loved one. Hear their feelings
and accept them. Learn to be comfortable with silences and don't
feel you need to interrupt them.
3) Learn from
your loved one without instructing. To say "I know how you feel"
when you don't or to explain how you think he or she feels is presumptuous.
Asking is always better than telling.
4) Avoid cliches.
Out of your desire to make things better, it is tempting to try to turn
negatives into positives. Phrases such as "It was God's will," "He/she
had a good life," "He/she is out of pain" are nearly always resented, even
though your intention is well-meaning. A better response is "This
must be a very difficult time for you."
5) Practice
love with no exception of reciprocity. Understand if you loved one
doesn't have the physical or emotional energy to be outwardly grateful
for your help.
6) Write a
holiday letter. Many things can be said on paper which are difficult
to say in person. A letter can be treasured, read again and again,
and kept forever.
7) Invite the
bereaved to social outings. Don't assume he or she should go or shouldn't
go. Simply ask, and accept the response. It won't hurt to ask
a second time a few days later if the first response was negative, but
the decision is still theirs.
8) Give a gift
or make a donation in memory of the one who has been killed. It will
mean a great deal to the surviving family if the gift relates to the values
and concerns of the deceased.
9) Mention
the name of the one who has been killed often. It is folly to think
that it stirs up pain. The pain is already there and the opportunity
to talk about the one they miss so much will be cherished.
10) Find your
own creative ways to say "I love you" as you thoughtfully consider the
needs of your bereaved loved one during the holidays.
~TAKING CARE
OF YOURSELF~
1) Set priorities.
Be aware of your physical and emotional limitations. Energy levels
may be low. Do only the things that you really want to do.
Give yourself permission to say "no."
2) Decide early
on how you plan to celebrate the holidays. Take control over them.
Don't let them take control over you.
3) Learn to
accept and ask for help from family and friends.
4) Make a list
of those things that nurture you. Sometimes it is difficult to do
this for ourselves, so pretent you are making the list for your dearest
friend. Everyone has different needs, likes and dislikes. The
important thing is to take care of your physical, mental, emotional and
spiritual self through this holiday season.
Take
a walk
Get a massage
Sit by the
fireplace and meditate
Read an "escape"
book
Listen to uplifting
music
Take a bubble
bath
Sleep in on
Saturday or another day
Bake cookies
Eat healthy
but also give yourself permission to enjoy holiday treats
Have lunch
with special friends
Hug a child
or a teddy bear
Go see the
Nutcracker
If you are
at a point in your healing process to look at pictures of your loved one,
share them with a family member or friend
