As
we have done for several years, we’ve asked our readers to share where
they are during the upcoming Holidays. We said: "We would love to hear
from you all on what the holidays mean to you at this point in your journey
of grief. However you feel about them at the present moment. Do you dread
them, wish they would go away, look forward to them, just your honest thoughts?
These comments and articles may help to validate how others in grief are
feeling right now. There are no right or wrongs ways to go thru grief,
just your way." Here are some of the replies we received.
My Holidays
By Jerry Mudge
Holidays like
Thanksgiving and Christmas can be especially hard & painful to those
in grief. Everyone is in a holiday spirit except you – your loved one is
not here physically anymore. You may feel like sleeping through them like
a bear hibernating until after the first of the year.
I share your
sorrow. I had in just six years time lost my only two sons in a car crash,
my husband of thirty-five years to cancer five years later and my mother
eight months after my husband.
The first holidays
for me began a month after my sons died, at Thanksgiving. What helped me
to get through that and Christmas was my faith. Every time the door of
our church was open, I was there. I couldn’t get enough and found great
comfort in being in my Heavenly Father’s home. Of course I had to keep
a box of tissues with me and would shed tears a lot, but I learned early
on that tears help you heal.
One of the
hymns at Thanksgiving that became special to me was "Come, Ye Thankful
People, Come." The first verse talks about the ‘winter storms’ beginning
and I knew I was in the winter time of my grief. Then it talks about ‘God,
our maker doth provide for our wants to be supplied,’ which reminded me
that my Heavenly Father was still providing for my needs even when I couldn’t
see them.
The one word
in another hymn I can’t get out of my mind is the word ‘Emmanuel’ which
means God With Us. It comes from a hymn called "O Come, O Come Emmanuel!’
and talks or sings about ‘that mourns in lonely exile here until the Son
of God appears.’ Now these are powerful words; because of Emmanuel we have
hope.
It is reminding
all of us who are Christians that God is still with us and will never leave
us, no matter what we are going through. He cares about us and our pain.
That is why He gave us the greatest Christmas gift we will ever get: the
gift of His only Son to die for us. He also died for our loved ones and
we know one day we will see our precious loved ones again.
It is our prayer
that if you do not know Jesus as your personal Savior nor have the assurance
of Immanuel (God with Us) that you will ask Him into your heart. Without
Jesus in our life, we have no hope.
Sharon Bryant
Andy Dunbar
1/22/72 – 10/24/77
Tree fell
on him
www.angelsremembered.tk
When my son died
in '77 at age 5, he was my only child. He died exactly 60 days before
Christmas Eve that year. Christmas that year was horrendous.
I did not do anything but sit and cry that day. The next year was
about as bad. I wanted no tree, I wanted no company, and I more or
less pretended the day was not Christmas. Pretending became my safe
mode from losing my mind in those days.
In 1979, I
adopted a newborn baby girl. The next Christmas, with a heavy heart
and memories flooding my mind, I put up a tree. For my little girl,
I tried to recapture what Christmas once was in my life. And yet,
there was a hole, a scab that was trying to heal, but a wound so deep,
I knew it couldn't heal. I went through the holiday in a fog that
year.
In 1981, I
gave birth to another child, another son. Thanking God for allowing
me to have another child of my own, for allowing me the opportunity to
adopt a little girl, I tried that Christmas to recapture the past.
I couldn't. The other holidays did not affect me the way Christmas
did. I could pretend the others just never happened.
But Christmas is different. There's something about Christmas that
makes it unlike any other holiday. And for many, it is the hardest
holiday to endure when you have lost a child. For me, it was the family
gatherings, and everyone would be there but my son. It left me with
a deep emptiness.
I have lost
an only child. I know the pain of trying to go on without a child
in my life anymore. I have adopted. I've learned that a child
does not have to come from your body for you to love. I have given
birth as an older mom, and I know the joys of having a second little boy
come into my life.
And yet....each
year at Christmas time, I get what I call heart tugs. My mind always
goes back to the last Christmas my first son was with me. I can relive
that day over and over in my mind and have for almost 29 years now.
Sometimes I
feel my two remaining children were cheated out of Christmas compared to
the ones my firstborn had. Gone is the desire to decorate my house.
Gone is the love of putting up a tree. But for my children's sake,
I have done the best I could do. Just last year, my daughter, who is now
27, told me that she always knew Christmas was tough for me. She
said she could see the change in me as the day approached. And now
that she's lost her good friend and stays in touch with her mom, she sees
it happening again in that mother's life.
Nothing about
losing a child is easy. I have had many hurdles on this path I've
walked as a bereaved mother. But, I have survived. I believe
we all have to find what works for us to keep those survival instincts
going. There is no right or wrong way; it's what works for each individual.
I also had
a terrible time with New Year's for a long time. For some reason,
I always had this feeling that I was leaving my son behind. I wanted
to stop the clock from ticking, stop time. I can recall the days
and nights I would sit and stare at the clock, watching the second hand
pass thinking, "He's been gone this long" or "My own life is ticking away
and I will get to my child sooner."
Looking back
all these years, remembering my thoughts, my feelings, my mind being in
such a horrible state, I have come to the heart tug stage of my life.
When memories tug at the heart strings, and sometimes still, that choking
feeling will come into my throat when memories flood my mind.
When I lost
my child in '77, there were no support groups. No one I knew had
lost a child. I felt alone. Very alone without anyone to talk
to that could begin to comprehend what I was feeling.
Vicki Hallett
Mother if
Tia Eblen-Hassanein
3/30/74- 2/20/2003
Diabetic Complications
www.geocities.com/tiasmemory/index.html
It has been three
Christmas's past since I lost my daughter, Tia. She was 28 years old and
full of laughter. She loved gathering her children, nieces and nephews
around a table at our Christmas gathering and help them do a craft. She
was so good with children and had wonderful craft ideas to keep them entertained.
In my heart I know that Jesus is the reason for the season. I praise Him
knowing that because of HIM, my daughter in now in a wonderful glorious
place. She gets to celebrate the glorious birth in heaven.
But, I also
have to admit that I no longer look forward to the holiday season. The
season is a time of memories to me...a time to expect my daughter to open
the door with a baby in her arms and smile even though she was always late.
It didn't matter. She would walk in the door and have this big wonderful
smile. How I wish she would walk in the door..late again. It used to irritate
me that she was never on time. Now I would be so ecstatic just to have
her walk in late......one more time. I miss her bubbly personality. I wish
I could jump from October to April 1st every year. Those are the most painful
months. Thanksgiving, Christmas, February 20th..her anniversary of her
death, March 30th..her birthday.....It is still very difficult for me to
deal with the loss. My only solace is knowing she is with Jesus and waiting
for me. I will see her someday. But, now.....I will miss her.
Shirley, Angel
Laurie's Mom
In Memory
of Laurie Michelle Baer
October 31,
1976 - December 4, 1992
http://lauriebaer.com
I hate the holidays...I
hate from October thru after new years...Laurie was born Oct 31 and died
Dec 4.....Thanksgiving and Christmas fall in these months...I haven't celebrated
a holiday since she died, over 13 years now ad never will again...I hate
going out and seeing people running around being happy, shopping, etc....I
know its probably selfish but I just hate that time of year...wish I could
go to bed and wake up four months later. {Note: Laurie died during corrective
heart surgery}
"if love could
cure, she never would have died"
Johnathon Ray
Snyder
May 2, 1991
– September 26, 1998
Hi, my name is
Paula Snyder.........I got your email from CindyJo (Greever) about Holiday
Grief.......Our feelings and thoughts about Holidays.
My little boy,
Johnathon, went to Heaven on 9/26/98.........almost 8 years ago. [Note:
was crushed by a heavy rod]
When you say
Holidays.......I guess what I think of is Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.......
Our first Thanksgiving,
Christmas, and then Easter, for lack of better words, was spent in SHOCK.......we
were still in the "this CAN NOT be happening, HAS not happened" stage....even
though we knew it had.
To be honest,
after all this time, while I have learned to function in society again.......have
learned how to put on the "Mask"......TIME has pretty much stood still
for me..........
My heart still
lurches when I am out buying Christmas presents and I see something that
I think Johnathon would like to have.......my brain STILL actually thinks
"Oh.....I gotta get this for John".......then REALITY kicks in and my heart
receives a punch as I realize, "Johnathon's gone, you can't buy that for
him :O( "
After 8 years
almost...........my heart is still broken..........never to heal.........
I've learned
the "mask" for society..........that's all.......
If I didn't
still have children at home, I would honestly forgo the tree and set up
a Manger for gifts to be put under......meaningful gifts.....not to us,
but for families who are without so much.....
My youngest
is 12........he was 4 when his brother entered into Heaven's doors.......
When he is
16.......I plan on forgoing the tree and kiddy and family gifts.......and
putting up a GIANT Manger scene where we all contribute to an Adopted Family..........
Should maybe
do that now, I know. But am hesitant to cease what my kids all knew in
the past just now.
Love and Hugs,
Paula ~ Jonathon’s
Mommy 4-EVER
Amanda Kate
Stewart
Aug. 20, 1994
– June 27, 1998
www.geocities.com/myangelamandakate
From August until
New Year’s Day I think about all my family members who have died and go
through the circle of grief - over and over. Last year I suffered
from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, due to the multiple deaths I was challenged
with facing that resurface into morbid thoughts and memories.
My daughter
died in 1998; my Dad died in 2003, my older sister died in 2005; and my
younger sister died 2 days ago (August 2, 2006). My daughter drowned while
with ex-friends at a party; my Dad died from a medical mistake; my older
sister died of cancer (they were unable to find the source); and my younger
sister was murdered.
The Holidays,
especially Christmas had a unique meaning to these people; Of course it
was the most exciting day for my 4-year-old daughter. Her Christmas
stocking still is hung by the fireplace during the holidays. My oldest
sister was the "spender" . . she found just the right presents for everyone
and had them personalized. I now find myself searching for what she
would have bought. My Dad caused excitement every year with a drum roll
before he handed everyone a rather large check. Each one of these
people made every winter holiday so special. My younger sister was always
anxious to come home to be with us. She lived in another town.
August was
always the beginning of my shopping season. It is no longer part
of my "normal". I now wait until Christmas Eve day to shop.
I dread the crowds of happy shoppers and since 1998 have not been able
to get back into the "holiday spirit". My two sons no longer have
a sister, and both of my sisters have died. We always sang . . "we
are family, I have all my sisters with me" and bought things with "sister"
on them.
Losing my youngest
child in 1998 never leaves my mind. I’m sure that other bereaved
parents can
relate to my un-ending grief, and my normal holiday season is extremely
different from everyone else’s who hasn’t lost a child. Two years
ago she was on my mind and I bought her a Christmas present. I realized
it when I got home, so I just put it into her Christmas stocking.
Imagine, thinking your daughter is still alive 6 years later. At Christmas
my home is filled with beautiful angels and lots of white candles, instead
of the red and green decorations I used before she died.
People who
haven’t experienced the death of anyone close, always say how quickly Christmas
passes. I too once said that. The holiday season now includes
the longest days of my life. If I didn’t have a family, I wouldn’t
have any Holidays because every emotion releases; sadness, anger, guilt,
self-pity, and depression.
Much of my
release comes from online friends who are so much easier to communicate
with than those in person. The online people understand because they've
gone through the same, similar, or worse situations. Healing Hearts
and CindyJo Greever have been my crutch for 8 years. Her writings
are genuine and her online friendship is overwhelming. The friends
and family members who knew me prior to "deaths" just ignore the fact that
others are missing at the dinner table, and they don't realize that they
never leave my mind and heart. I no longer permit anyone to say,
"Get over it". You do not and cannot "get over it".
I know I’m
not alone. My heart-felt prayers go out to anyone who feels the same
emptiness and pain.
Blessings to
all of you,
Sandy Stewart
Sandys1@comcast.net
Joan Dotson
In Loving
Memory of Steve Dotson
10-20-69 to
6-7-91
I am just now
able after 15 years to put an oil painting of Steve back in the living
room where I see it everyday. It looks so alive and real that It kept him
constantly on my mind and that was not good for me for a long time.
Now I have a different feeling when I see it than I did in the early years
of being without him and having to learn to live without him, back
then the pain was too much to bear, but that pain has turned to joy when
I look at the picture. God is so good! I can't make it without
Him every minute of every day. Thanks again.
About Joey
Scarpa
9/13/71 to
3/20/95
By his mother
~ Linda Scarpa
http://www.geocities.com/angelpageschris4/joeyanniv.html
You know I don’t
think of them as Holidays anymore. It is just another day to me. I cant
imagine celebrating like I did when I had my whole family. In a world that
was so beautiful. Now I exist, in a world I don’t even know. I don’t even
know who I am anymore. I’m not the Linda that used to love to shop for
the Holidays , have the family over. Now its just memories . I have good
memories with my son. I try to just go with the flow as they say. But I
live for my son. I keep Joey alive in my Heart and my mind.
Bless you my friends.
Joey was 23
when he was murdered ~ I died that day
Becky Coon
My Michael
has been gone now for almost 3 years. November is really tough for
me. He left this earth on 11/6/03. Thanksgiving was always
one of his favorite days to go to my mom's house. He loved her turkey
& dressing. He was a very picky eater but that was one thing
he would always pile up on his plate. I always loved seeing him eat
so well for that one day. Of course every kid/teenager loves Christmas.
He always wanted Nintendo stuff. The holidays are just not the same.
Thank goodness we have a grandchild now. If it weren't for him and
my daughter I think we'd just skip the holidays altogether.
