I did not even know that
Jacob was here. I wasn’t sick and had no signs that I was pregnant.
My pants were getting a little tight. I had just started a new job
a couple of months before so my insurance benefits had just been instated.
It was time for my annual physical. They did all the normal test
on me and I was going to talk with the doctor about missing my period for
several months. I was never regular so it did not even cross my mind
that I could be pregnant. The doctor came in the room and said "Guess
what?" I did not even have a chance to reply when he said, "You’re
pregnant." All I could do was stare in disbelief. He said that
I was about seventeen weeks along. All I can think about now was
seventeen weeks that I missed being with Jacob. I went home and told
Ed, my husband. We were in shock and called my sister-in-law to tell
her the good news. Everyone was so excited for us.
My due date was January 28, 2000.
I was not prepared for the arrival of Jacob so for my birthday and Christmas
all I asked for was "baby stuff". Ed went with me to the doctor a
couple of weeks later and we found out that we were having a boy.
Just what I had been praying for! I felt so blessed to have a healthy
baby boy growing inside me. Jacob was a very active baby. Ed’s
favorite past time was to press on my belly and see if Jacob wanted to
play. Jacob’s favorite song was "She Thinks my Tractor’Sexy" by Kenny
Chesney. He would bounce all over the place every time it played.
I took maternity leave two weeks before my due date. I thought that
I would never make it to my due date. I had gained 50 lbs. during
my pregnancy.
On January 21st, I woke up with contractions.
Ed had already left for work so I decided that I would call my doctor before
I called him to come home. I called the doctor and they said to time
my contractions for 30 minutes and then call them back. I timed my
contractions and called the doctor back. He said to get ready to
go to the hospital and that he would meet there around lunchtime.
I called Ed at work and he said he would be there as quick as he could.
He actually drove the dump truck he was driving into our apartment complex
just to check on me and make sure I was okay. He drove the dump truck
back to the shop and returned with his truck. We got ready and left
for the hospital. I called my step-mother before we left and told
her to meet us at the hospital. We finally arrived at the hospital
after sitting in rush hour traffic. I went in the main entrance and
stood in line to speak with the front desk clerk. I did not know
that I was supposed to go in through the emergency room entrance.
I told them that I was in labor and they rushed us upstairs. The
nurse helped me change into the hospital gown. I was so excited!
I was going to get to meet the little man that had been kicking me for
so many months.
The nurse put the fetal monitor on
my stomach, and then searched for a while. The nurse called for her
supervisor. The nursing supervisor then searched for a while.
I looked at Ed with tears in my eyes. He just squeezed my hand and
said, "It will be okay. Jacob is just being stubborn." At this
point, my doctor arrived. I still could not imagine what was about
to happen. I asked my doctor why he was here so early. He replied
that the nurses were having a little trouble and he wanted to check on
me. He put the fetal monitor on my stomach again and searched for
a while. He told the nurse to get Dr. Metra. Dr. Metra arrived
with an ultrasound machine. Now I was beginning to think that something
was wrong. Dr. Metra turned on the ultrasound machine and took two
swipes over my stomach. He paused for just a moment and said "Your
baby does not have a heartbeat." Ed squeezed my hand so tight and
cried out in pain. It was a sound that I could not possibly describe.
It was pure pain. I just sat there in disbelief. Could this
really be happening? I could not even cry. All I could do is
look around the room at everyone around me. My stepmother arrived
at the doorway with no knowledge of what was happening. She walked
in the door and looked at me with confusion on her face. All I could
say was "My baby is gone."
They gave me an epidural & Pitocin
to speed up my labor. I was in labor for about 8 hours. With
Ed and my stepmother there, I gave birth to Jacob Conner Mann. He
weighed 13 lbs and was 19.5 inches long. He was so beautiful!
The nurses cleaned him up and wrapped him in a blanket. As soon as
I got to hold him, I unwrapped the blanket so I could count all his fingers
and toes. Ten fingers and ten toes, he was perfect. All of
our family came in the room after Ed and I were done holding him.
Everyone got to hold him and commented on how peaceful he looked.
My father and Ed’s father were both crying. I thought "Dads are not
suppose to cry. This is will really hurt when it all sets in."
I held him again until I could not keep him warm anymore. I did not
have any pictures taken of Jacob. Now I wish that I had let them
take pictures. They did an autopsy on Jacob and could only conclude
that he had hydrops, which means that he had excess fluid around his major
organs. They did not know why he had it or if this could ever happen
again.
We had a memorial service on January
24, 2000. It was snowing that day. I know that Jacob sent the
snow down to Earth since he know how much I love to watch it snow.
All of our family and friends were at the service. I got up and said
a few words. I thought that since no one else got to experience the
pregnancy that I needed to share with the world what I experienced.
I feel like the luckiest person in the world since I assisted God in a
miracle. Jacob was so special that God decided to keep him as one
of the smallest angels. We had him cremated and he sits on the mantle
in our house.
My life has gone on. Ed and
I now have a beautiful daughter, Caitlin. Caitlin knows about her
big brother and loves to send balloons up to him in heaven. Ever
year on Jacob’s birthday, we have a small family dinner and enjoy being
together. His birthday is not a sad day. It is a day to remember
him and count the blessings that we do have here on Earth. At Christmas,
we hang a stocking for Jacob on our mantle. My first Mother’s Day
was very difficult. My family made it easier by giving me Mother’s
Day cards and acknowledging that I was in fact a mother even though my
baby was not here on Earth. Ed bought me the most beautiful Mother’s
ring with Jacob’s birthstone in it. This piece of jewelry has become
my most prized possession and I never take this ring off. Ed had
a hard time with his first Father’s Day too. I bought a gold necklace
for Ed so he would always have a remembrance of Jacob with him. Even
after six years, I still have good days and bad days. The pain never
goes away or gets any easier. I have just learned to deal with it
in a different way. I still have trouble dealing with the milestones
he would have achieved in his life. For example, Jacob should have
graduated from kindergarten this year.
It has also made me think about my
life. Before Jacob came into my life, I was so scared about life
after death. Now, I have so much to live for in my life here on Earth
but I am not scared of what waits for me on the other side. I know
Jacob is waiting for me in heaven so we can be together again. There
is a song that sums up most of my thoughts, "Who You’d be Today" by Kenny
Chesney. I know I will see Jacob again someday.
I decided that since we had Jacob
cremated, we needed a special place to visit with Jacob. A place
that is beautiful and peaceful. Just the way I remembered Jacob.
I feel so lucky to have this special brick made for Jacob so he will be
memorialized forever. Now I will always have a special place that
I can come to feel closer to him. I still missed him so much and
I wonder what he would have done with his life. I know in my heart
that God had a greater plan for him and he is watching over me and my family.
