SKIP &
JERRY MUDGE
We had something
unusual happen the other night. My wife, Jerry, tells & shows
the story of her only two sons deaths in 1990 in a drunken car crash quite
frequently. She tells it at a local Chemical Dependency Center 2-4
times monthly and has recently told it over a dozen times to high school
students. Recently at a local MADD Police Appreciation Night, she
was getting ready to light the white candle in honor of those who've died
because of drunk drivers & she "came unglued" or "lost it."
Now we've been
doing grief support for over a decade. We've facilitated GriefShare
series for about 5 years and send this newsletter to bereaved families
in about 40 states. My son Jeff died in 1987, yet as recently as
a week ago when I was speaking in public about suicide, I suddenly got
"choked up" and had to pause for a minute, just to keep from sobbing.
We wondered
if this happens to other bereaved parents & sent an e-mail to many,
asking: "Does this happen to you? Would you mind telling us about
it for our Footprints Newsletter? Where are you in your grief?
We'll be glad to include it in our next issue." Here are some of
the replies:
Heather Doughty
Mother of
Dylan Pascoe: 06/13/92 ~ 06/24/01
"I'm fairly
new to all of this but I really don't think that it is very unusual.
My son's 4th angel anniversary is coming up in June and there are days
I feel fine and then out of the blue something hits me, totally unexpected.
At a MADD event or any other bereavement event, there are so many raw emotions
flowing that it is hard not to get emotional. Unfortunately, when
there are people in your position (the heads of bereavement groups) I think
there is too much expected of you. Almost like your are expected
to be strong and help guide the rest of us who feel so lost. I think
all of us need to remember that you are bereaved parents too and to be
here for you just as you are to all of us. I will remember you both
in my prayers. Hard times happen, but it easier to get through them
when I remember the love for my son is what gives me the memories.
Thanks for all you both do."
Violet Cook
Mother of
April Dawn Cheek: 04/06/88 ~ 04/30/04
I will gladly
share my story......
I am the mother
of April Dawn Cheek. She passed away one year ago tomorrow (4/30).
Recently I moved to Timberlake, NC and lord only knows why my first job
assignment was at Duke University (the collage) in Durham. I was
doing fine in this position and then I ad to go to the Transportation office
to get an ID, etc. Well the person I was working for took me to the
area as I was not familiar with the campus and little did I know the office
we were heading to took us straight down hallways and past offices where
the last time I was there I was pushing my precious daughter in a wheelchair....tears
come to my eyes all of a sudden and out of nowhere. I was able to
retain my composure and once in the car, I cried like a baby. Then
a few weeks later I was given another assignment ~ well dear Lord as he
was the only one that could prepare me. It was directly across the
street from the Children's hospital where April went most of the time.
I had to go inside the hospital during lunch and it was all I could do
to get the items I went after and almost ran out of the hospital.
My emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. I cried all the way back
to the office I was working in. All I could remember was pushing
April around in the wheelchair to and from the cafeteria and through the
lobby to look in the gift shops ~ it was like a huge part of me was missing
~ I couldn't stand it ~ I felt so empty. Then days later I had to
park in the parking deck and walk down the tunnel ~ this one really got
to me ~ as each time we came to the hospital, I would get everything together,
get April as comfortable in her wheelchair as possible and we would go
down the elevator to the tunnel and I would push her to her location and
we played all kinds of tricks on each other going through the tunnel from
the parking deck to the hospital. By the time I got to my car
I was crying so hard I could hardly see.
Dear friends,
I can go for days and be just fine and all it takes is a little something
to remind me of those times with my daughter. You see, the last visit
to Duke was the visit where they told me April and me that April was going
to die.....
Each day is
a new challenge and each moment I cherish the moments I had with April
~ every single moment. To the one's of you who lost your love one(s)
suddenly my heart goes out to you. To the one's that lost a loved
one through illness or trauma that lasted and they suffered as my precious
daughter did, I feel your pain. I am thankful that I was able to
spend quality time with April as I will cherish those memories always.
Joan Dotson
Mother of
Steven Dotson: 10/29/69 ~ 06/07/91
"It has been
almost 14 years for us since we had to let go of our son Steve and let
him be with Jesus. Certain little things bring him back so vivid
in my mind and it just doesn't seem like he is really gone. It seems
like only yesterday that he died. He went to sleep and woke up in
Heaven. I am thankful for the precious memories but sometimes they
become overwhelming because they bring back the cold hard facts that he
is really gone, although we know we will see him again, at times I want
to see him right that minute. So I guess no matter how long it has
been, the reality of it all still causes us to come unglued sometimes.
I feel like that reality came back to Jerry as she was lighting that candle.
We just need to never forget to pray for each other. Our loss is
the common thread that binds us together. My love and Prayers to
Everyone Who had lost a child."
Sharon Bryant
Andy Dunbar:
01/22/72 ~ 10/24/77
"I lost my
son in 1977. All these year, just when I think I have it under control,
I lose it. Last summer I had an incident. My son was struck
down by a tree in my yard. He was 5 years old in '77.
I was at work
and as I was entering my work place, I heard someone yell, "Stand back."
I turned to see a large tree, almost 100 ft tall fall to the ground.
I saw it bounce. I heard the impact as it struck the ground.
I lost it.
I started screaming,
"He never had a chance."
Last fall,
I was at a flea market and happened to walk in front of a booth that had
a little tricycle and I lost it. My son was riding on his tricycle
when he lost his life that day.
I believe that
the rest of our lives, there will be times that something will strike us
in the heart that will open the wound that we try to hide from the outside
world. I believe as long as we love and always remember our child
who died, we will always have heart tugs. I believe we bereaved parents
have to learn to live with an inner pain only those who have walked in
our shoes can understand. But I believe also, that we survive. Though
it hurts often, for us to take the tragedy that turned our lives upside
down, reaching out to help someone else who is just beginning to walk this
path....helps us.
Paul McCutcheon
Darren: 09/12/71
~ 09/13/78
Paul: 02/05/74
~ 09/13/78
A few years
after my two son's, Darren & Paul, passed away my wife and I divorced.
I had sought relationships with several different women, looking for a
Christian woman to devote my life to and receive strength from. I
had met a woman I thought was a caring person and decided to take her out
on a date. We had a wonderful time, in the beginning, deciding to
stop at a local restaurant to have a comfortable conversation and dinner.
The restaurant was very crowded at the time. After we had ordered
our meals and enjoyed each other company we began to have a conversation
about our life since we had not seen each other after high school.
Even though nothing had been said our families or prior relationships,
all of a sudden I began to cry uncontrollably. She asked me what
was wrong and all I could tell her was I missed my children so very much.
She suggested we leave as most every one in the restaurant was staring
at us. As I drove her home I informed her of how my children had
passed away and explained to her there were times my emotions took control
and I became emotionally out of control. She became very angry and
told me I was not the only person to face tragic events in their life.
She said she had to endure an abusive father most of her life and that
abuse was just as bad as what I had been through. I told her I pray
she never had to face the grief that so consumed my heart. I have
yet to see this woman since that night. I have been through relationships
since then and they have always ended because of the grief stricken pain
I endure. No one who hasn't traveled this journey of grief seems
to be able to deal with emotions felt by a grieving parent. I quit
searching for that special person needed in my life after that one night
of "losing it." Why have my relationships with others suffered?
Because "It still hurts." I have not given my faith that God will
one day unite me with the "one" who will change my life. My aunt
always told me that for every Adam there is an Eve and I strongly believe
it to be true. God Bless."
Gala Simpson
Mother of
Colin Simpson: 10/13/78 ~ 05/21/98
"Interesting!
I thought I was "losing it" the way I've been "blind sided" by a few waves
of grief in the past year. After all, I'm seven years out from my
son's death and I'm the newsletter editor for our TCF. Over 350 families
a month rely on my outreach to help them cope with their grief. At
the March TCF meeting I "came unglued" and I don't think I will ever fully
understand why that one thing tripped me and tripped me so badly.
When I was
raising my son, Colin, that name was unheard of for the most part.
Everyone loved it, but it wasn't until Colin Powell emerged in the news
that the name became a household word. Anyway, my only child was
really one of a kind. In so many ways I had the "only one."
In more recent years I have been grieving the fact that I will never hold
a grandchild and I have from the day of Colin's death had a tough time
being around babies and toddlers. A few years back I "lost it" at
a cantata practice when a blue eyed little one pulled herself up on my
pants leg and stood there peering into my face. She looked like a
baby Colin. Well that was three years ago. At the March TCF
meeting, a relatively new lady brought her daughter and grand baby.
When they went around the circle, it turned out the baby's name was Colin.
The tears ran immediately, but I had the remainder of the meeting time
to get composed.
At the end,
I approached them to see the baby. I got only as close as to touch
the carrier, but when I tried to look in at him, I burst into tears and
wept. I really didn't see that coming and I thought I was OK.
I ended up calling her on the phone to apologize if I had made her uncomfortable.
She was understanding and sat with me at the April meeting. Little
Colin couldn't come to this one. Hopefully the next time he does
I'll be ready and not get blind sided."
I am also sending
a poem that I wrote last fall that tells another story of "losing it."
The text is below. We were sitting at a light on the main street
of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania when a likeness of Colin walked by. The
first time this very thing happened to us was in August 1998 at a light
in Wheeling, WV. Both times we sat and cried.
I hope this
"story" is of use to you. Thanks for asking. Anything that
we can share to help others is an even greater help to us."
~THE UNSUSPECTING
STRANGER ©~
By Gala L.
Simpson
Today I saw
a young man among a group along the street,
His countenance
was familiar and the feeling bittersweet.
He stood there
never knowing that his face and hair and smile,
Sent a shiver
up a stranger's spine, held spellbound for awhile.
I couldn't
help but look at him, though I didn't want to stare,
But I couldn't
take my eyes off him as long as he was there.
The tears
ran down like a waterfall as memories rushed in,
Then the light
turned green and we moved on to see him not again.
Although the
sight of this young man awakened sleeping grief,
To see a living
likeness of my son brought a sweet relief.
As I realized
how long it's been since I've seen my dear son's face,
I also realized
I'll see him again by God's amazing grace.
As days and
years go by I know I'll see other young men,
Who'll remind
me of my Colin and touch me within.
Though life
has had its share of grief and taken quite a toll,
God placed
an unsuspecting stranger to touch a chord within my soul.
Cindy Robinson
Mother of
Kyle Johnson: 08/13/76 ~ 01/18/96
"What you are
writing about feels so unusual to us when it does happen. My younger
son, Kyle, died of suicide 9 years ago. For whatever reason, this
past Christmas was the hardest ever for me. I spent time and time
again trying to understand it and praying that God provide some understanding
to me.
Looking back,
the first few anniversaries, holidays, etc. were the hardest for me.
With God's help, and a good therapist, each year since then has felt "easier",
if that makes sense. I've never gotten over it, but I've learned
to live with it, or so I thought until this past Christmas.
Everything
about Christmas 2004 brought back memories, and I don't know why.
Things that hadn't upset me before, upset me this past Christmas.
As I do with most things, I looked for meaning somewhere, something I must
have missed in my grief work.
I don't know
if I ever really found an answer, but I came to a conclusion that rings
true to me.
I guess this
is the way grief is. It has its peaks and its valleys, and I have
to remember to take one day at a time and trust that I am where I'm supposed
to be. I must remember at all times that I am in the palm of God's
hand and that He has not forsaken me.
Do I dread
this coming Christmas? No. It will be what it will be, and
what I make it. This Christmas will be different, as they all are,
because I recently lost my mother. I imagine that I will be dealing
with feeling regarding her, and those feelings may trigger feelings and
remembrances of Kyle.
I hope that
this disjointed email makes some sense. I just re-read it, and seems
pretty scattered.
I guess, in
a nutshell, what I'm trying to say is that life changes every day.
I am in a different "space" every day. Things that would affect me
one day will roll of me the next day.
Take care,
Jerry, and praise you for your continuing ministry to others. God
bless you fro reaching out to others as you questions this time."
Alice Isabell
Mother of
Randy Hecox: 01/07/69 ~ 07/23/99
"This
may be long here goes: To know what I mean I have to tell you I found my
son the day he died so you know why. Donald, my middle son, did not
as of yet drive so I always went once a week and got him and did his laundry.
Well on this day he was not there he said he had to work so he gave me
the key to go and get his laundry that day. I had my hubby with me
and we went in to his apt. Well I went to turn the key in the door
and I totally lost it man. That day of finding Randy all came back
to me in a flash it was all there for me to relive over. That picture
that smell I could not get out of my head. My hubby told me "Why
didn't you tell me this was going to happen?" Like I knew right?
Not to this day I cannot go into my kids home with out them coming to the
door first. See I have ptsd and Randy's my angel boy I knew was home
as his car was there. So I knocked and knocked and tried the
door it was unlocked so unlike my son. I'll not go on from there
the pain is too real even today almost 6 years later. I'll go to
my grave seeing that scene in my mind and heart. I wanted to die
right there and ten I ever asked God to take me and let my son live.
To late!. So yes I do have flash backs ever so often and I never
know when or where I may be at. I embarrass some people even well
that's too bad. Let them walk where I have I say. God had led
me through this darkness as He has all of us my friend. Is this what
you mean?????? Come unglued, yes I did. Lose it, yes I did!
That was my given right as a mom and for the love and loss of my child,
my child of love we called him. Alice
Ali's mom 2
Randy in Missouri MyLittle Drummer Boy
http://www.friendslove.tripod.com/randy.html
Sara Colvin
Mother of
David Colvin: 05/27/77 ~ 04/26/91
David's anniversary
date and birthdays are always difficult...not to mention the holidays etc
but...this past anniversary date 04/26/05 (14 years) took me by surprise.
The day was overcast which matched my mood but when I realized that David
had officially been gone longer than he had been with us ~ it sent me right
back...the tears, the physical pain in my chest ~ the difficulty breathing
and concentrating and it didn't help that family members didn't mention
his name or the significance of the date. I mentioned it to Mark
(my husband) but he really didn't say much (but then again he is very quiet
and does not share his feelings). I did share that though with two
trusted friends that did try to understand and at least offered some comfort
of course Skip & Jerry sent an e-card (which they always do) and that
always helps. It was as if OK he has not totally been forgotten.
The rest of the day I intentionally did not meet with any clients I just
worked from home and that seemed to help me get through the day.
So, even though it does get easier with time, you will still have moments
that take you by surprise and take you back but the good news is that you
will survive those days and as long as you take a breath ~ you child will
be remembered.
Judy NuHavun
Mother of
Emily Perez Porter: 09/28/73 ~ 05/04/95
Just a quick
note in response to your example. It has been 10 years this Wednesday
since Emily died. I sometimes wonder why I never cry anymore.
The other day I was driving in my car and I can't remember what crossed
my mind but I just started crying and lamenting over losing Emily.
It was actually a relief to me that I still was feeling the pain of losing
her that seems to be so buried. But why at the moment I "lost it"
only God knows.
There is no
need for me to say, "I hope Jerry is OK". I know she's OK, she's
just a mother and the pain is always lurking when a mother loses a child
(likewise a father).
~EMILY'S
FOUNDATION~
Vicki Howell
In memory
of son Mitchell Childress: 10/10/79 ~ 05/15/03
~HAUNTING OF
THE HEART ©~
Death go away
from my door
Do not come
to my door any more
Day after
day you come
To brag about
how you took my boy
Your laughter
I can hear, you think you tricked me
Oh death,
you're coy and cruel
You cloud
my brain so I cannot see the family
and children
that are still with me
The joy my
boy brought to me, his laughter, his shine
You cannot
steal from me.
Day after day,
you do this to me, you want me to forget,
His life and
his memory
This you cannot
do, for you did not give him to me.
God gave him
to me, and his memories are mine
These are
things you cannot take from me
The love this
boy gave to me
Death cannot
take
Death don't
come to my door
You use my
grief to forget the ones that remain with me
Their love
is here and now will guide me.
They will
not let me forget the son that God gave to me.
Death do not
come to my door anymore
My door is
closed to you; you are welcome here no more.
Death YOU'RE
WELCOME HERE NO MORE.
No more, no
more
June Gorman
Mother of
Daniel Gorman: 04/14/69 ~ 08/11/02
I don't think
it is unusual for Jerry to have lost it when was lighting the candle.
Sometimes when we go to our compassionate friends meetings we are all right.
Then again we regress back to our beginning pain.
Our son's birthday
was April 14th. When April starts, I think of all the preparations
we made for the new baby. The anticipation, the joy, and of course
after the birth the birthdays and everything involved. So much excitement
and joy.
Now when April
comes, we dread April 14th. We know that the visit to see our son
will not be in our home, his home or at a restaurant. It will be
at the cemetery. Sometimes we can handle that and other times we
lose it. We just have to remember what a grief counselor told us.
We will get through our pain but we will never get over it. We really
believe that. August 11th will be the 3rd anniversary of the loss
of our dear son, Dan. We still struggle daily with the pain.
Sometimes we lose it. We will never be the same.
Daisy Fisher
Husband Bob:
11/19/28 ~ 03/22/04
Daughter Brenda:
11/25/53 ~ 11/26/03
I wish I could
really tell you where I am at in my grief. I do not think the pain
will ever go away, losing my daughter and then 4 months later losing my
best friend and soul mate when we would have been married 56 years, I can
still see the pain on my daughter face and I can still see Bob in his chair
thinking he was asleep and he was so cold and when I tried to perform CPR
on him and could not do that cause he was already dead and so cold.
I just do not remember much of anything that went on for the first weeks
I know I went through shock, emotion depression and still get depressed
quite often, guilt, anger, panic, physical symptoms and I just can not
believe that Bob is gone. I just cannot understand it anymore, I
keep thinking, that sometimes he is still in his chair resting his eyes.
I just cannot accept his death but one day maybe I will. The Lord
said we would understand it all someday. I miss him and my daughter
so much I just want to go to sleep and wake up and maybe it was all just
a bad dream. Everything seems so unreal; I just wish the pain would
go away and that things were like they used to be. I love and miss
them so much but I know that they will always live on in my heart and the
wonderful memories they left behind. Love you Aunt Daisy.
Becky Peck
Mother of
Jayson Peck: 03/07/70 ~ 10/07/01
I can certainly
relate to what you had happen to you. It has been 3 and 1/2 years
since I lost Jayson. This is an especially difficult time with Mother's
Day coming up. I do realize I am still very much in the early stages
of my grief, but I can be functioning fine, and then all of a sudden I
can just be overwhelmed.
A child; a
song; a butterfly; can trigger tears and the same feeling as if I was punched
in the stomach. How can you lose part of you, and not miss them forever?
Does our life move on? Yes. Can we look and act "normal?" Yes...Do
we forget? NEVER!
Chris Finklein
Mother of
Di Finklein: 09/20/74 ~ 01/09/01
When you love
someone so completely, when your very existence is wrapped around her with
sublime joy and pride, but when that sweet someone is wrenched from your
life especially without warning ~ nothing is ever the same again.
Years, monumental life experiences can leak through the holes in your heart
but nothing erases the longing and deep wishes of what isn't any more.
I lost my daughter
52 months ago. Those weeks and months since bookend emotions that
have surfaced when no one else would ever guess. I could be in the
middle of a rollicking party or watching a wild roaster ride of a movie
when thoughts of Di sift to the bottom of my reactions and all of a sudden
there are tiny tears slipping down my face as though I'm sweating from
the effort to keep myself whole. It doesn't take a simple memory
to cause me to throb for Di. My little grandson asked me yesterday
if I thought "Auntie Di could hear us." I choked with longing that
a precious four-almost-five year old had those kinds of wonders.
As we walked together I told him "I hear her when I hear you" because Jack
is so like his beloved Aunt Di.
I
miss Di more than the breath I take to stay alive. I long for our
reunion when I can feel her again deep in the recesses of my broken heart.
Yes, I "lose it" more often than I care to admit because she was far more
to me than my precious daughter. She represents my belief in the
existence of God! ~ Chris Finklein, Di's mom! (We lost Di 01/09/01
from a pulmonary embolism)
Deb Kullik
Mother of
Jennifer Kullik: 03/21/75 ~ 01/16/93
Yes it still
hurts! It has been 12 years since Jennifer's death at the age of
17 and there are times when for no apparent reason I just break down.
I don't know what bring it on, but it is there. I still feel, at
times, the "pain" in my heart, even though I have felt for a time that
I am at "peace" with it all. It can be the smell of her favorite
cologne, walking into the high school, a girl with long blond hair, seeing
her friends, listening to one of her favorite songs, visiting the cemetery,
seeing her boyfriend and his family, or just sitting in the house or at
the cottage. At this time of year, when we honor Jen by giving a
Memorial Scholarship, or having her Memorial Softball Tournament, the pain
seems worse. Even though, I try to stoic and keep my emotions in
check it is difficult. Jennifer was our only child and we always
felt so blessed by God to have her, as having children was difficult for
me, that it is still difficult to understand why He would give her to us,
only to take her away. As I was reading one of the scholarship applications
the other night, I became so overwhelmed by the comments made by the applicant
(who would have been about 4 years old when Jen died) that I had to put
them down and I still have not picked them up.
Thank you for
your efforts to help the bereaved in this world.
Louise Wibberley
Mother of
Cory James Wibberley: 07/08/80 ~ 02/12/01
Yes, I've become
"unglued" or lost "lost it" several times. My son Cory died by suicide
Feb 12, 2001, (he was 20 years old) while in the psychiatric ward.
He told a nurse he was feeling very suicidal & was going to kill himself
that night. She told him he was NOT one of her patients & she
was going home now as she was done with her shift. She never found
Cory's nurse or didn't even bother to write anything in his chart ~ to
possibly alert the rest of the staff.
I
can't stand watching TV shows where I hear people making fun of suicide.
I become upset
when people at work say they've had it & are going to kill themselves.
I become very
upset when people make fun of suicide & say things like he was a loser
so it's not a great loss.
A couple of
time someone has caught themselves before they complete their sentence
& look at me ~ with pity or sometimes with humor in their eyes.
I want to tell
them that my son was a good person, he couldn't handle what & who he
had become.
Cory was jumped
by 5 men when he was 17 & suffered a fractured skull. He became
very moody & was also going through the regular hormonal changes a
teenage boy faces. The Dr's told us he was a spoiled brat & we
needed to us tough love on him. I told them they were wrong that
something was wrong with my son but one one would believe me not even my
husband, his father. He was put on various anti depressants but had
adverse reactions to most; he developed bleeding ulcers from the meds &
would spend many mornings throwing up blood. He tried to stop these
awful feelings but he couldn't. He tried on several occasion to kill
themselves but someone always found him in time.
The 2nd last
attempt my youngest son found him & with the help of the police they
brought Cory to the hospital. He was admitted ~ but he refused to
let me see him. He would only see his brothers, my mother & a
couple of his friends. I think he knew that deep down I would be
able to tell he was not doing well. On Cory's last day I had a terrible
feeling that something bad was going to happen. I could feel it in
my heart ~ I want to the hospital but was told that Cory did not want to
see me. So I left but I knew something was wrong. I walked
around the mall with a girlfriend & we were looking at clothes,
something I used to love to do. We walked by a store & this dark
gray suit was calling me ~ I told my girlfriend that I had to buy it as
I was going to need it. The next morning I got a call from the hospital
it was 6:00 AM & they said I was needed at the hospital. When
I asked why they said please come. I asked if Cory was dead &
she said yes. To this day I can't go into the hospital nor can I
stand to even drive by it, which I must everyday to get to work.
I have come
to accept my son's death as I know that Cory could not help it ~ when the
autopsy was done it was discovered that the blows & fractures he had
suffered in his head (during the attack) had caused his brain to shift
& it was putting pressure.
Maria Gilmore
Mother of
"Alli" Gilmore: 05/06/89 ~ 01/26/01
I just sent
you another e-mail. It's 4 years and I think I have regressed or
I think I just fought so hard the second or third year to go on like I
was going through the process of grief...but I recently realized that I
invested so much of myself into Alyssa Maria, I didn't just lose a child
~ I lost my best friend, I lost my sister (I was only 18 when she was born,
and I never had any siblings) we grew up together, I invented myself through
my love of her...because I had such a lousy childhood I created a whole
world from nothing so she could have a great one and I could be a great
mom or what I thought a good mom was...so who I grew into was so much based
on her...and when she left I was lost. I had no identity. I
spent my entire adult life being Alli's mom. I know how woman whose
children grow up and leave feel but I can't go visit mine in college, or
on holidays and vacations to get a quick fix of being mom again...my child
is gone forever. It's not an empty nest...it's a chopped down tree,
and now I have to start all over again. I feel so selfish because
even though I am so grateful for the angel God sent to save my life (literally
she saved me) I just want my world back.
Rhonda Henshaw
Mother of
David: 02/05/84 ~ 06/21/02
This year I
have had my battle with spring and maybe I am past the saddest part.
I know the battle of the pit will return the first time I mow my yard,
as that was a chore Dave and I shared. It is filled with good memories
and sad thoughts. I will try to focus on the good memories, but memories
always bring the sadness, they are almost as one now.
I do not want
anyone to hurt for me or be sad for me. I just want everyone to know
I will always be sad about David, I will always miss him, I will always
love him, I do hide the tears and I do cry inside and out. You cannot
take 18 years of my life and pretend they did not happen. Just because
he is not spoken about, does not make it as if he did not exist, it only
makes it worse for me to never mention him, but I understand how anyone
(including myself with others), can find it difficult to approach the subject
of it may just make them sad. Everyone I know likes to talk about
their children ~ that includes me. I am suppose to share my feeling
and thoughts with others and tell them how I am doing, according to the
experts, but as people find it hard to mention Dave, I find it hard to
answer the question "How are you" with any response other than "fine, ok,
etc." I think people really want to know how I am dealing with the
death of my son, they will ask just that. As offensive as the question
sounds, it is not. It is just as much a part of my life as Dave was...it
is kind of like me asking how you child is doing in school, marriage, etc.
People should ask the questions they discuss with others when you are not
around. I hope this does not offend anyone, or hurt anyone's feelings
and not everyone avoids the topic of "Dave" ~ this is only meant to be
helpful, and some of you may be puzzled as to why you received this e-mail...it
is because you were in my address book. If I cared enough to add
you to it, this may be helpful to you somehow.
~THE FIRST
YEAR OF GRIEF~
Author: Robert
Walters Sr.
How many times
have you been told
Move on get
over it sure gets old
What did they
miss that they don't understand
This is not
magic or slight of hand
Grief and
pain just don't stop on a dime
They say it's
been too long you had plenty of time
Sometimes
I just want to scream and shout
To try to
show them what this is all about
To me it is
hopeless for they will never know
How we must
survive when we feel so low
The pain the
anger and the grief sets in
Your life
has changed with no where to begin
You reach
out for help and no one is there
You feel like
everyone does not care
Relationships
are strained and your family is distraught
They treat
you like the plaque they think they caught
What can I
do and how can I survive
I don't even
know if I want to be alive
The hollowness
you feel deep down in your heart
Plays games
with you mind as it tears you apart
You look around
and what do you see
Your life
once full now so empty
Many tears
have you've cried many nights you did not sleep
Those nightmares
would haunt you and you bean to weep
This is how
I felt the first year of my grief
With pain
and anger with no sign of relief
I was told
that time would make me heal
I thought
to myself were these people for real
It was not
time but the tears that I cried
All those
day and nights since you have died
Now the pain
and anger is no longer strong
For I have
found somewhere that I belong
To be able
to write these words as I do
Gives me strength
to try and start anew
To try and
reach out to touch someone
To let them
know it can be done
For time stands
till for no one it's true
So I must
write these words for you
From the depths
of hell I have survived
I awake each
morning I am alive
Robert Walters
Sr.
Dad of Robbie:
08/16/73 ~ 12/14/02
I found my
son and cried!
I wish that
it was I who had died!
http://www.fosv.com
Robert is the
Moderator of the yahoo group called "Childloss." To become part of
this group: http://www.groups.yahoo.com/group/childloss
