Monday was not a good day. It was one of those realization days...bad "light bulb" moments. Not like those "light bulb" moments where some wonderful idea or inspiration comes to you. It is a moment when you realize that you're "stuck" with something awful and have to face it straight on...accept its lingering ugliness and like Alicia is fond of saying, "Get over it!"
Cancer is an ugly thing that invades your life, your body, your relationships....the very core of who you are and who you were and are to be. The kidney cancer scared me, but it was so different. They yanked my kidney and that was that. Sure I had to do the MRIs and CTs for follow-up, but it was over when it was over. I became fit, did long distance biking, lived life, ended a very unhappy marriage and slowly built a decent life. I had my share of mistakes and missteps, but I learned and grew from them. I had never been on my own or really allowed to grow, decide, think and be myself before. It's that restrictive catholic upbringing and ALLOWING others to shape me and mold me. I take full responsibility for my allowing it to happen for so long. Hey, it may be hell, but it's home and sometimes not fighting back or standing up for my self was easier than making the effort to care about myself or love myself enough to change my life.
I finally DID it, but not without the help and offer of a place to stay till I could get on my feet and get my own place. I will be forever grateful to my brother, Charlie and my sis-in-law Rene', for offering Alicia and I their family room to live in. It was no easy task adding two more people in a family that already consisted of two adults and 3 children with one full bath and a powder room!
Believe me, I appreciate all the shuffling, scheduling and accommodations that everyone in the family made to allow me to get rolling into my own life. I also apologize for the times that I got so involved with someone that I was absent more than I should have been. But again, I learned and got my priories straight... eventually.
Ali and I got our own townhouse in a HUD development in Chili that is based on scale and we love it. We have been here almost 4 years and it is centrally located...near all sorts of stores and towns and also is near the country. Up until August, 2003, we would ride our bikes almost daily along the canal path or country roads (sometimes up to 7-10 miles in a day). The bikes are now at storage at my brother, Brian's house. I probably couldn't even sit on my bike without falling down. My legs are so weak from the steroids that keep my brain from swelling but have me swelled everywhere else that I look like a freak. Glad my brain is happy because I don't even like looking in a mirror. I don't see the person I have lived with for 54 years. I see a misshapen stranger with swollen neck, pie face, football player shoulders, with a belly that looks like I am ready to pop a full term baby out any moment. I went from a size 14 NY & CO. jean to Gigantic. I usually just wear Old Navy stretch waist flannel pants and fleeces...It's like I became neuter. My hair is gone which makes it all the worst. I went to the the radiation treatments for so long there are patterns burned in my scalp. Now that radiation is over, and I am on pill chemo which doesn't cause hair loss, Ali shaved everything off so that it would grow back the same length. Haha...The places where the radiation zaps took place aren't doing so well. Maybe, eventually they will grow back. There is some kind of fuzz that I can feel, but not really see. Maybe that part will be white. I don't care, I just want my hair back.
Okay. Enough. I know I have to ACCEPT this. When a interviewer asked Michael J. Fox if he ever wondered "Why me?" he answered, "Why not me?"
Why not me? It's not like I have a choice in this and I have tried to be positive and mostly I have been. I have had incredible support, concern, financial help, you name it. My brothers and sisters have been unbelievably rock solid there for me, especially Teri, who has been here from the beginning making appointments, follow-ups, driving me to appointments and treatments, bringing over soups and goodies and listening. when my rope seems to be running out.
My son Greg and his wife Jennifer and their son, Carlo, my brother Brian, Dad and Mom, my brother Bob and his wife, Sharon, Charlie and Rene', my brother Dan, all have been a part of getting the machinery of dealing with the cancer to work out. Paula, in San Diego, has been a long distance support. Fr. Dom, Uncle Frank and Aunt Nancy, my former sis-in-law Peggy, my friends at my former employer, Amy, Jae, Kristen, Renee and Liz for your special gifts, the many folks at Gateway Senior Apts. who sent cards, gifts and certificates. Hours on the phone to my friend, JP, in Washington state listening, sympathizing and eventually ending up laughing.
And Alicia...my daughter, my rock, my angel. At a time when there should have been new beginnings for her, the fun and drudgery of colege studies, life took her on a different path. She was just beginning college at SUNY Brockport when the cancer started twisting and turning everything around. She struggled with a heavy schedule, working, visiting the hospital, and when I got home, she became the primary caretaker in addition to everything else.
She is working 30 hours a week to try and keep things afloat...and has withdrawn from school. I hate the cancer for that the most, but I know that Alicia will succeed in life because she has the strength, determination, humor (thank god) and adventurous spirit that will make it all possible.
Well, looking at the good and bad, I'd say with all the human angels in my life, the scales are saying, Stop complaining, Mary. Just please allow me to let the pain and hurt out once in a while so it won't explode. Some goodie goodie said that God doesn't give you more than you can handle...well, that's because so many have their wings covering me so the load is not so heavy. Thanks for putting up with me.
