After awhile, Benji had gotten tired of not being able to get a word in edgewise. He left, and neither of the two knew it immediately. They talked more about high school, trauma, battle wounds, life. Who knew that the punching bag and princess had so much in common, then and again.
She cleared up rumors, told him the truth, something she had only devuldged to Kai before. Ashton told him about her boyfriends that would either verbally or physically abuse her. She told him about how much Kai hated that place, why she really moved out of town; the abuse.
The abuse wasn't from Benji. It was from another guy at the school, a popular one. One that Kai could see right through, see all his intentions; she never gave him the time of day. He's harass her, drive by her house, slip notes in her locker, spread rumors. It got to the point where he'd threatened her life.
"They told the school." Ashton looked down. "She told them that she was being harassed. They seemed really concerned, then she told them who it was. They didn't believe her. I mean, who would?"
Joel tapped the table hard. "I knew it. That's why I never reported any of the things done to me. I knew it. I knew the adminastration wouldn't do a thing."
"Really." She laughed, turned her head, and spouted out a cynical view on the school, "Only the prized Varisty sportsmen were cared for; their grades, their altercations with the law, altercations with other students. I mean, come on. Everything was taken care of, because God-forbid anything prevent them from playing in Friday's big game."
Joel and Ashton chatted a little longer, knowing what would ultimately come from it. A hug and an I'll-see-you-at-the-funeral. Everything past that was only a frail hope that things would go on. She needed him more than he could ever know.
--- Eight years earlier---
Ashton shivered off a feeling of regret and walked out of his house. She felt disgusting. That wasn't how she was supposed to feel. She was supposed to feel different. She loved him, didn't she? He loved her, he told her that before and after. Did he mean it? She pondered the thoughts over and over again and wished she could take back everything. She felt nothing for him. It hurt. Everything hurt. She wanted nothing more than to burn her flesh off her skin and get that feeling as far away from her as possible. She needed someone to talk to.
She drove, blindly, over to Kai's house. She needed to talk to her best friend. She needed to get all those emotions out soon before they swallowed her up. She felt sick. It was such a shame to feel like she did on that day; it was supposed to be such a happy day. Her 16th birthday, the school baseball team was going to state, and she had lost her viginity. Wasn't it cause to celebrate, to feel good?
Kai's house loomed in the distance, and Ashton sped quickly to get there. Every second created more of an emotional build up. She jumped out of the car and ran up the front steps to the large, picturesque house. Since she was a regular fixture there, she threw the door open and ran up the stairs to Kai's bed room.
"I got another one," She whispered as she sat on her bed, legs folded, holding the blue-lined paper in front of her.
Ashton's face fell, her good natured self took over, she needed to get her friend through that. Forget her problems, Kai needed her. So, she burried the thoughts deep inside her and talked her friend through the abusive letter that told her of how she was so fat, so ugly, so horrible. Those thoughts never resurfaced, never resolved, never got out of her system.
They stayed inside of her, ate at her, and slowly decayed everything in her. She was dying from the start.
---
Present day
Ashton woke the morning of Kai's funeral, prepared for a day of tears, fake smiles, and horrible reassuances of the fact she was 'okay'. She wasn't though, not at all.
She arrived at the church, feeling out of place, and took a seat in the middle of the pews at the very edge by a window. She didn't want to talk to anyone, she didn't want to see anyone. She wanted to stay by herself, because after all, she was the only person who really knew Kai. Everyone else just wanted to. A hand reached down and grabbed her's. It was Joel.
She eased. "How are you?" He asked, very generally. She was glad that he didn't ask if she was 'okay'.
She nodded. "As good as I'll get." It was the truth. She felt there was only one way to go from the point the was at, down. As the church filled, her anxiety of who's-who grew worse. He held her hand all through the ceremony, it was the only thing that kept her anchored to the world.
Joel kept a tight grip onto her hand, not wanting to ever lose sight of her again. The feeling was mutual. They had something that had survived years of hardships, distance, and neither of them knew the other felt the same way. It was the purest of loves, the one that was unrequianted, unnoticed, and no one ever saw it coming. He let her hand go, she turned to him and her face held a silent panic. He put his arm around her quickly and held her hand with his other. She eased back into him, but he still felt her slowly slipping away, no matter what he did to keep ahold of her.
"Forever, Forever" by Ultimate Fakebook
From the first time you walked in my door,
I could see we were playing no more,
Now every weekend-year and post-college fear,
Has made things different than they once were.
Always came with a warning before,
But now you feel like you're losing the war,
How can I make you see that you can't lose me,
Cuz I'm still in love and want you
for:.Forever:.Forever,
so weird at first, but now I'm sure, I surrender:Forever,
And whatever it is that you want me to do, I'll do it Oh year.
Don't you know I could give you the world,
Just say that you want it, it's yours,
And when it sets you free with nothin' to believe,
Just remember girl that I'll be yours:
All the stars in your eyes,
Burn to light up your smile,
Everything is so bright,
I don't wanna just hide,
From the things that I used to be scared of tonite.