Phoenix was attempting to live her life the way she ordinarily would, but she felt empty, like she was walking on clouds. Phoenix rolled out of bed from another night of restless sleep, her wrinkled blue Paul Frank pajama bottoms were proof of it, along with the black circles lying under her eyes. Phoenix passed by identical brown boxes of Ethan’s belonging piled up by the TV, not ready to filter through them all and disperse the belongings where Ethan would want them to go. Admirably, Ethan always said he wanted to give his money (well...his parents’ money) to the SADD foundation when he died. Phoenix didn’t thing his wish would come true so fast. Madison was up at the crack of dawn as usual, already home from her morning roll and chomping on Chex, her brown and red hair tied back in a loose ponytail. Madison flashed Phoenix a sunbeam smile as Phoenix sat across from her, her grimy fingernails running through her disheveled black hair. “You didn’t sleep well again?”
“No,” Nix responded, her appearance like the walking dead, dreading all the work she’s missed and heading to class at 1. “Can’t sleep…can’t sleep.”
“Toots,” Madison shook her head, scooping the leftover milk into her mouth like it was soup, “Maybe you should see a doctor. It’s been almost 3 weeks.”
“No, No,” Phoenix resisted, rising from the table and walking back to her room. “I’ll be fine…just fine.” She scooped her yellow LL Bean travel bag over her shoulder and slipped on a pair of low riding Converses. “I’m heading over to the YMCA. Gonna do some laps before class.”
“Alright,” Madison responded glumly. Phoenix has been going to the gym non-stop for the past 3 weeks. She spends almost all her time there which makes Madison nervous.
“See ya,” Phoenix called behind her as she opened the front door, jumping back a little as to who he saw, her heart beat quickening like a hummingbird’s.
“Hi Phoenix,” Joel smiled slightly, adorned in navy dickies and a black Level 27 sweatshirt, tipping his MADE baseball cap to her, Phoenix’s expression startling him a bit. “Is…Madison here?”
“Oh, sure she is,” Phoenix responded, shaking her head with foolishness. “I’m sorry about that.” She moved aside a little to let him in. Joel briskly walked in and over to Madison, wrapping his arms around her neck. “So…what are you kids doing?”
“Probably heading over to the studio to check out whose recording,” Madison told her, sensing Phoenix was intrigued their motives.
“Well…you two have fun,” Phoenix replied, eyeing Madison with ESP.
“I will talk to you later,” Madison assured her with a wink.
“Bye Joel,” Phoenix called out, heading back for the door, “It was nice to see you again.”
“You too, Phoenix,” Joel responded genially, watching her escape into the hall…
~*~
Phoenix tucked her mountains of hair into her white swimming cap, scanning to clear blue pool water, surprisingly ripple-less with the absence of other swimmers, the sun cutting through the patio-like windows encircling the large lap pool. The YMCA of White Plains (their place of residence) was small, but it was the only one for 30 miles, so a lot of people go there for their exercising needs. It had a large gym, a few basketball courts, a lap pool, a recreational pool, and a few studios for Yoga, Karate, etc. classes. Phoenix ran her hands over the stomach of her black and purple Speedo, her stomach jumping rope. After inhaling a deep breath, Phoenix dove into the crisp water, her body cutting through the water like she was a dolphin.
Phoenix was an avid swimmer and competitor when she was younger. She swam for 10 years, up until high school and one several County titles, but never made it to the “big time”. She didn’t see the point of competing so heavily. She didn’t understand why people can be good at something and just enjoy it, leave it at that. She was Varsity swim team captain for 2 years. The feel of the water jutting over her body, the weightlessness she obtained in the water, made her feel like she was a superhero, like she was invincible. Now she was swimming for a different reason.
When Ethan…left her (She can’t bear to think of it like ‘he’s dead’,) Phoenix tried to remember a time or place when/where she was totally happy, carefree, and then the coolness, the independence of swimming floated into her mind and tickled her skin. You need to concentrate on so much when you’re swimming, your breathing, your strokes, your vision, your heart rate, that anything else that was in your mind was considered a distraction. Ethan was a distraction. Phoenix figured that if she doesn’t think about him, she won’t hurt. But all that comes back at her in her dreams.
It may be a “quick fix”, a way to escape his touch, his smile, his eyes, but she needed to get away, to escape, like Ethan was some bad drug habit. Phoenix felt horrible, inhumane even for thinking this way, but how long until she cracked? She needed a way to definitely not forget Ethan, but forget the pain Ethan’s…disappearance has put upon her.
Exhausted, Phoenix pushed herself out of the water 2 hours later, her breathing heavy on her heart. She picked up her travel bag, which responded by pushing her to one knee. Breath, Nix, Phoenix told herself, Breath. Struggling, she headed for the lockerroom to change for another cursed day of her life…
~*~
“So what is up with you and Joel?” Phoenix asked Madison, walking over to their couch with a plate of Oreos and a jar of peanut butter and sitting them on the coffee table. They had an early dinner and were relieved to take the time to watch the sun set. They’ve learned in a short amount of time you can’t take anything for granted, even colors cascading across a cloudless sky.
“Well, we were talking at the wake, as morbid as it sounds,” Madison told her, eyeing her strangely as Phoenix coated her Oreo with peanut butter, fleeting light bouncing off Madison’s nose ring and Phoenix’s lip ring. “We seemed to ‘click’, like we’ve been friends forever! Joking and laughing. We like a lot of the same music and he was interested in me becoming a DJ. We’ve just been hanging out. I don’t want to sound like a teenie, but I hope something will happen. He’s so much more than a pretty face. I hope their new fans realize that.”
“Oh,” Phoenix replied nonchalantly, lifting her eyebrows as she took a bite of her creation, licking the access peanut butter from her fingers, pretending to listen, her mind obviously troubled. “Yeah, That’s cool.” There was silence.
“Anyway, onto business,” Madison broke through uncomfortably, reaching for a manilla folder on the coffee table. “I got this in the mail today from Benji’s attorney. It’s a settlement for the ‘physical and emotional damages sustained because of the actions of Benjamin Madden’’. You’re gonna shit when you read this.’ Madison handed Phoenix the folder, pointing to the last paragraph in the document.
“Is this a misprint?” Phoenix asked in misbelief, squinting to try to read it better. “They’re paying us….”
“4 million dollars,” Madison finished her sentence, as astonished as Phoenix is. The world seemed to pause.
“Are they serious?” Phoenix questioned, checking the document for a “Ha, Ha, Fooled You,” written somewhere or something.
“I think so,” Madison told her, “I called Mrs. Meyers (their attorney) today and she said she received the same document. They were going to pay that amount to Ethan, but since Ethan…isn’t here anymore, and his parents are dead, she says that they wanted to award it to us. She says that she doesn’t see why we shouldn’t settle, that it was a very generous offer.”
“4 million,” Phoenix turned to Madison and smiled, a thousand mixed feeling filling up her chest, tugging at the collar of her blue Simple Plan Baby Tee as if a hot flash came over her, “Wow…I mean…God…”
“We can buy all the Chex we want!” Madison joked, trying to uplift Nix’s spirits, giving Phoenix’s hand a squeeze.
“And Oreos and…Peanut Butter,” Phoenix responded morosely, cursing herself for being suddenly so excited for this money because Ethan died. That he was worth only 2.5 million. He was worth much more, all of Phoenix’s tears, at least. “That’s Ethan’s…favorite food.”
“Umm…Toots,” Madison spoke softly, brushing back Phoenix’s long locks to see tears, “Are you OK?”
Nix glanced up at her, rivers or sorrow trickling down her face. “I hope I will be.”
“Listen,” Madison began, reaching for a tissue from the coffee table, “Why don’t you come with Joel and Me bowling on Friday? You need to get out of this apartment.”
“I get out,” Phoenix argued, taking the tissue from Madison and dotting her eyes.
“The gym and class is not out,” Madison differed, twisting a Oreo apart and licking the crème. “Please think about coming?”
“I’ll think about it,” Phoenix reluctently agreed, sliding down into a slouching position, rubbing her eyes softly with her unkempt hands, not aware of the better and worst things looming in the future.