~~~~~~~~~~ Disclaimer ~~~~~~~~~~
I do not own the characters in this story, nor do I own any rights to the television show "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". They were created by Joss Whedon and belong to him, Mutant Enemy, Sandollar Television, Kuzui Enterprises, 20th Century Fox Television and the WB Television Network.
This is a straightforward and dry transcript of the episode “The Replacement.”
~~~~~~~~~~ Prologue ~~~~~~~~~~
Fade in on Buffy, Riley, Xander, and Anya sitting in Xander's basement. The guys are sitting on the sofa, with the girls sitting on the floor each in front of her respective boyfriend. They're watching TV, except Buffy, who has a book in her lap and is studying it. Xander's holding the TV remote. Anya's right arm is in a sling.
Xander: Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys, but the hot plate's out of commission.
Anya: We think the cat peed on it.
On the TV, one Asian Guy screams, and a bunch of other Asian Guys perform kung-fu on each other.
Xander: I do have Spaghetti-O's. Set 'em on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness. (Gestures at the dryer)
Riley: Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch.
Upstairs we hear a door slam.
Xander: (looking up) Ah, I guess the folks are back.
We can hear voices yelling at each other. Xander, Anya, and Riley look uncomfortable. Buffy is oblivious.
Xander: No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars.
More yelling from upstairs. Then there's a bang. Plaster dust from the ceiling drifts down onto Anya.
Xander: Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?
Riley laughs, then notices Buffy isn't paying attention.
Riley: Hey Buffy, how's that book? Full of zippy dates and zesty names?
Buffy: (not listening) I'm fine.
Riley leans forward, reaching his arms over Buffy's shoulders and placing his palms on the book pages.
Buffy: Heyyy. I'm enjoying the studying.
Riley: Who are you lately? Give it up and watch the movie.
Buffy: I guess it has been a long day with the crusades. I can take a little break from the violence for some (looks up at TV) ooh, fighting.
Onscreen, the kung-fu Guys argue. Their mouths move, and we hear the English that has been badly dubbed in.
Xander: Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
Anya: Much more durable than their hot plates.
Riley leans forward to rub Buffy's shoulders.
Riley: Just relax.
Buffy: Mm... mm. That feels good.
Xander looks at them, cracks his knuckles, and puts his hands on Anya's shoulders.
Anya: Ow! What are you doing? I have a dislocated shoulder! (Xander stops rubbing. Riley stops rubbing Buffy's shoulders too.) I'm trying to concentrate on the kicking movie.
Buffy: Hey! Rubbing went away.
Riley starts rubbing again.
Riley: Oh... sorry, I got caught up in the action. (gesturing at TV)
Buffy: Yeah, it's pretty good.
On screen, the fighting continues.
Buffy: Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy, with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones, bam, ba- see, now with the flying kick. (scornfully) From a dead stop! What's powering it, raw enthusiasm?
Riley: Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on slayer duty, you know?
Buffy: It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backwards and... invading all willy-nilly.
More shouting and banging from upstairs. Xander and Anya shift uncomfortably. Riley coughs.
Buffy: And anyway, I mean, you know, you can't blame me for being critical. Willow's the same way when we watch a, a movie about witches, right Xander?
Xander: (distracted by the noise from upstairs) What? Oh yeah, she's all like, "What's that, a cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?"
Cut to a dark lair filled with steam or smoke. Cheesy dramatic music. A demon is tending to a huge cauldron full of bubbling yellow liquid. Steam rises from it. The demon pulls the hood of his cloak back, so we can see he has brownish skin with cracks through which yellowish light shows. His eyes are sunken and red, and his voice is very deep.
Toth: The last step in thy forging is my pain... the price with which I purchase... the death of the slayer.
He has some kind of rod or stick in his hand. He plunges it into the cauldron, along with his hand. He screams in pain.
Wolf's howl. Buffy theme and opening credits roll.
~~~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~~~
Fade in on a nice modern apartment building surrounded by bushes and grass. We see a "For Rent" sign outside.
Cut to interior hallway.
Willow: If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway.
We see Willow, Anya, Xander, Buffy, and Riley walking down the hall. Xander wears a yellow T-shirt with a brightly flowered Hawaiian shirt over it. Anya still has her arm in the sling.
Willow: We'll walk down this hall, and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Buffy: Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
Riley: Really? I will.
Xander: Hey, we're just lookin'. Rent's way high, so don't get your hopes all carbonated.
Anya: But you have references.
Xander: No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. (Does important voice) 'Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.'
Anya opens a door and they walk into the apartment. It's large and spacious.
Willow: Whoa! Big!
Buffy: It's nice. And not subterranean. It's very, uh, above-terranean.
Xander looks less than thrilled.
Anya: I want it. Pay anything.
WOMAN: (OS) Xander Harris?
The real-estate Manager woman enters, smiling at Riley.
Riley: Uh, no, Riley Finn. (shakes her hand) This is Xander.
Xander wipes his hand on his shirt before holding it out.
Xander: Hey.
He and the Manager shake hands.
Manager: Ah.
Xander: I brought my friends.
Manager: I see.
Xander: They wouldn't always be around.
Willow: But we're clean and-and quiet.
Xander looks nervous. The Manager looks uncertain.
Anya: (Standing in the living room, gesturing around) We can have the scooby meetings in the living room, and-and Giles can explain the boring things over there.
Willow: (going into kitchen) Oh, there's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.
Manager: Phone and electricity are hooked up. There's a private balcony, ceiling fan, closet space... (sees Xander opening a door) And that's the bedroom.
Xander opens the door and finds Buffy and Riley sitting on the bed, smooching.
Xander: Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom?
Buffy and Riley look around pointedly.
Xander: Okay, good point.
He walks away. In the background we see Buffy and Riley getting up.
Manager: I brought an application for you to fill out. (giving Xander a piece of paper)
Xander: An application? I can't just... tell you my references? Because there's Albert.
Manager: We run your credit check based on the application.
Xander: Oh! Credit check. (nervously, to the others) Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are. (Laughs nervously. The others laugh politely.)
Manager: And we'll be asking for first, last, security, and a small cleaning deposit. The total's at the bottom of the sheet there.
Xander looks at the sheet. Riley, Buffy, and Willow lean in to look too. Anya comes over and glances briefly at the sheet.
Anya: (to Manager) He'll take it. (to Xander) Xander, go get the furniture, I'll wait here. (to Manager) He's been living in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate.
Xander: (laughs nervously) Anya, can we talk quietly over there? (to Manager) Excuse us.
He pulls Anya aside, leaving the other three with the Manager. They smile nervously at her.
Riley: Uh, we, uh... we like the ceiling fan.
Willow: Yes. It's very, you know, kind of old south.
Buffy: But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
Anya: (OS) But why can't we have it?
Cut over to Xander and Anya across the room.
Xander: (quietly) I told you, my construction job is ending, and I won't have any more money coming in. And by the way, you do have your own place.
Anya: So when I wanna visit you, I have to be in that awful basement?
Xander: Not forever. Just until things come together.
Anya: Which is when, Xander? 'Cause right now, things are looking pretty untogether, and you can't expect me just to wait around for- (Her voice rises and the others try not to notice)
Xander: Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you?
Anya: (loudly) What's going on with me is my arm hurts... and I'm tired... and I don't really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can't have.
She stalks out. Manager looks a little suspicious. The others smile gamely.
Xander: (with a big fake smile) I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
He takes the application, puts it on a counter and begins filling it out. Manager watches, looking skeptical.
Cut to exterior shot of the magic shop.
Cut to inside. Giles is surrounded by boxes, looking at one.
Giles: (to himself) "Miscellaneous curses." (laughs, picks up something unidentifiable from the box) Brilliant. Be lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrist.
He picks up the box, turns, and is confronted by Toth.
Giles: Oh!
Toth: (raising his stick) The slayer is not here.
Giles grabs something out of the box and holds it up toward Toth.
Giles: Rabbit's foot, no, wait... (Tosses it aside and looks in the box for something else. Toth brushes the box out of Giles' hands. Giles gasps and holds up a wooden statue about a foot and a half high.)
Toth: That is a fertility god. (Giles looks at it in dismay) Feeble man, you are not going to distract me-
Giles hits him in the head with the statue. He reels backward. Giles hits him with the statue a few more times, then Toth shoves Giles, and he falls into a pile of boxes.
Toth: (pointing the stick at Giles) You are not the slayer. (Giles rolls over and looks up at him) You do not concern me.
Toth turns and walks out, his black cape flowing behind him. Giles watches, stunned, then lets his head drop back onto the floor with a groan.
Cut to a shot of Giles standing, holding the statue, making hitting motions.
Giles: Like this... and this... and this...
The camera follows him as he moves across the magic shop floor, and we see Riley, Buffy, Willow, and Xander. The girls sit on the floor with books in their laps. The guys are standing around watching Giles demonstrate what happened.
Riley: That thing's pretty heavy.
Willow: That's Oofdar. Goddess of childbirth. She's got some nice heft to her.
Buffy: How badly did you hurt him?
Giles: Well, hurt, uh... maybe not... hurt.
Willow: Well, I-I'm sure he was startled.
Giles: Uh, yes, yes, I'd imagine it gave him, uh, rather a turn.
Buffy: (grinning) He ran away, huh?
Giles: Um, sort of more... uh... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.
Buffy: So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
Giles: (insulted) Well, I'm not dead or unconscious, so I say bravo for me.
Willow: (holding up a book) Some good demons in this one. See if your guy's in here.
Giles walks over to take the book.
Xander: So you bought the magic shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" symphony?
Riley: (hefting the Oofdar statue) Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous. (takes a few experimental swings)
Giles: (looking up from the book) Toth.
Riley: What?
Buffy: He called you a Toth. It's a British expression. It means, like, moron.
Giles: No, Toth is the name of the demon. (Sees Xander holding a crystal) Be careful with that. (Xander looks around at the others, puts the crystal down carefully) Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.
Buffy: Sophisticated. So I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
Giles: (exasperated) They're referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed. He uses tools, devices. Oh, he's also supposed to be very focused. And since he mentioned the slayer, I think we know what the focus is.
Riley: He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him, and how hard can I kill him?
Giles: (consulting book) Well, there's no mention of the types of places he might frequent, but... (closes book and stands up) I have an idea. (Walks around, talking thoughtfully) He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Xander: Well, I guess we're off to the olfactory. I hate that place. (Everyone rolls their eyes at him) I'm joking, I know what it means. He smelled. (uncertainly) Right?
Willow: Some demon rituals involve anointing with oils. Was it sort of... sandalwoody?
Giles: Um... not even remotely. But he was very, um... distinctive.
Cut to exterior location, night. Giles, Xander, Buffy, Riley, and Willow walk along cautiously. Buffy carries a large axe.
Buffy: The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
Riley: People say they're recycling. (shakes head) They're not recycling. (Xander pats him on the shoulder)
Willow: I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so... no.
They hear noises and see someone rooting around in the trash.
Riley: What are you doing here, Spike? (We see that Riley has a crossbow)
Spike straightens up, holding a mannequin arm.
Spike: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I? (Holds up a small lamp in the other hand)
Willow: Very pretty.
Spike nods and turns to put the arm and the lamp in a shopping cart nearby.
Giles: Spike, um... we're looking for a demon, um... tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off. Deep voice?
Spike: You mean a great tall robe-y thing like that one? (Pointing behind them)
They all turn and see Toth standing there. He points his stick at them. Fire flashes out of it and they all duck just in time.
Riley: Take cover!
Spike: Big Guy! Kick her ass!
Toth fires again. Buffy and Xander duck aside, and the bolt shatters Spike's lamp which he's still holding.
Spike: Oh, very nice! I was on your side! (angrily tosses the pieces of lamp aside)
Toth fires again.
Xander: Watch out!
Xander thrusts Buffy behind him. The blast hits him full in the chest and he flies backward into a pile of trash. The others rush over.
Riley: Hey, you okay?
Xander: I'm okay.
Willow: Buffy, he's gone.
Xander: I'm fine.
Riley: Easy, easy.
Riley and Giles help Xander up. He groans.
Riley: He disappeared.
They look around. No sign of Toth. They start to walk off.
Riley: That had to hurt.
Xander: Yeah, yeah.
Giles: Take it slowly.
They walk off. The camera pans slowly back across the piles of trash. Among the bags, we see another Xander, lying apparently unconscious. Blackout.
~~~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~~~
NOTE: from this point on the two Xanders are referred to herein as "ScruffyXander" and "SuaveXander."
Fade in on the city dump, day. The camera pans across mounds of trash to where ScruffyXander is lying, yawning and beginning to wake up. Eyes closed, he makes a disgusted face.
ScruffyXander: Anya... you trying to use the hot plate again?
Slowly he opens his eyes, looks around. We can hear flies buzzing.
ScruffyXander: Uh-oh.
He gets up and walks off.
Cut to ScruffyXander walking around the corner of his parents' house, looking confused and disheveled. He goes down the outer stairs to his basement door, tries to open it but it's locked. He knocks.
ScruffyXander: Anya? An?
He knocks some more, then kicks the door, hurting his foot, and hops around in pain. He limps up the stairs and goes to the nearest window. It's ground-level. He lies on the ground, wipes dirt off the window, and peers in.
Long shot of a person wearing khaki pants but no shirt, combing his hair in front of the mirror inside Xander's room.
ScruffyXander: (peering in window) Oh my god!
Closer shot of the person inside as he turns away from the window. It looks just like Xander.
ScruffyXander: (OS) What? No way! Who is... me?
We see SuaveXander putting on a blue button-down shirt. His hair is neatly combed and appears to be wet.
Cut back to outside.
ScruffyXander: What am I doing in there? Buffy. Need Buffy.
He gets up, trips over his own feet and falls over.
Cut to ScruffyXander standing at a pay phone with the receiver tucked under his ear as he digs in his pockets.
ScruffyXander: (into phone) No, it ate my quarter. Uh-huh. But see, I'm sort of having this aggressively bad day. (pulls quarter out of pocket) Ooh! I found a quarter! I found a quarter!... Well, ma'am, for me it is worth getting excited about.
He hangs up, puts the quarter in, and dials.
ScruffyXander: Come on, Buffy.
He turns and sees SuaveXander walking toward him, looking very tidy and confident. ScruffyXander quickly turns away and hides his face with one hand, then watches as SuaveXander walks past him.
Buffy: (on phone) Hello?
ScruffyXander dithers for a moment, then hangs up and goes after SuaveXander.
Cut to Buffy holding the phone to her ear.
Buffy: They hung up.
She hangs up and picks up an axe. We see that she's in her bedroom at Joyce's place. Riley sits on the bed. Buffy moves toward the bed, where she puts the axe in a bag with some other weapons.
Buffy: Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to... zee other axe. (Riley looks tense. She walks over to him.) Relax. Another day, another demon.
Riley: Right. It'll be good.
Buffy: Hey.
She leans down to kiss him. The kiss goes on, and then we hear choking, gagging noises. Shot of Dawn in the doorway, pretending to gag. Buffy and Riley stop smooching, look annoyed.
Dawn: My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue.
Buffy: (annoyed) Go away, Dawn. (Riley looks amused)
Dawn: I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you.
We see Joyce coming out of the room across the hall.
Buffy: (moving toward the door) Get out of here.
Dawn: Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right?
Buffy: She's watching us like a big freak!
Joyce: (sighs, puts hand to her forehead) This must be my "two teenage girls in the house" headache. I thought it felt familiar.
Buffy: Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
Dawn: I did not! (to Joyce) Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
Buffy: But part of it is Dawn's.
Joyce: It's so nice you've learned to share. You girls, sort this out yourselves. It's good for you. (Exits. Buffy looks annoyed.)
Dawn: (smiling smugly) She didn't say I couldn't stand here.
Buffy: (smiling smugly) Hmm.
Buffy shuts the door in Dawn's face.
Dawn: (OS) Ow!
Cut to Spike in his crypt, arranging a mannequin. As the camera moves out we can see that the mannequin is from the waist up only (no legs). Spike arranges its clothing, then turns away and takes a long blonde wig from his shopping cart and carefully places it on the dummy's head. He smiles slightly.
Spike: Very posh.
He turns away as if to get something else, but suddenly whirls and aims a kick at the mannequin. It falls over and its head comes off, bouncing on the floor. Spike kicks it into the air and catches it. The wig is still on. Spike holds the head up and gazes at it.
Spike: Oh, slayer. (Rubs his thumb along its cheek) One of these days....
Cut to exterior shot of a construction site, day. Various men and machines are working.
SuaveXander walks through the scenery, approaches a rack where a bunch of hard-hats are hanging. He picks up the one marked "Harris" and puts it on. He walks off.
Cut to SuaveXander wearing the hard hat, gloves, and safety goggles, using some kind of noisy power tool on a piece of wood. A Guy walks up behind him. It's his Boss.
Boss: Hey Harris! (No reaction. Boss yells louder.) Harris!
SuaveXander: (turns off tool) Harris, right. Yeah.
Boss: In my trailer, okay? I'm talking to all the guys today. The job's winding down.
SuaveXander: Right, I'll... be right there.
Boss walks off as SuaveXander puts down the tool.
Shot of ScruffyXander hiding behind a Porta-Potty, watching. He's still wearing the yellow t-shirt and flowered shirt over it, now looking extremely dirty. His hair is disheveled.
Shot of SuaveXander walking toward Boss's trailer.
ScruffyXander: (muttering) Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.
We see SuaveXander walking across the site, smoothly ducking underneath a big pipe being carried by two other Guys.
The door of the Porta-Potty opens and smacks ScruffyXander in the face. A hard-hatted Guy, exiting the Porta-Potty, looks at ScruffyXander as he puts a hand to his face.
guy: Harris. Where's your hard hat?
ScruffyXander makes a face and walks off.
Cut to interior of Boss's trailer.
Boss: Sit down.
SuaveXander does so, putting his hard hat on the desk.
Shot of ScruffyXander outside, walking up to the trailer, trying to look through the window but it's too high.
Cut back inside.
Boss: How long you work here, Harris?
We see that SuaveXander has something shiny in his hand, about the size and shape of a US quarter. He's turning it around in his fingers.
SuaveXander: Huh? I'm not sure.
Boss: About three months?
SuaveXander: I guess, yeah.
Cut back outside. ScruffyXander is trying to make a table to stand on, by pulling together some random pieces of wood that were lying around. He climbs up on it and peers in the window. We see the Boss and SuaveXander from ScruffyXander's perspective.
Boss: (OS) And you haven't done much construction work before this, is that right?
ScruffyXander: I knew they were gonna notice that.
Boss: I have to tell you, that's surprising... 'cause your work here has been first-rate. Yeah, we have another job lined up in Carlton when you're finished here.
Cut back inside. We see that the shiny thing in SuaveXander's hand is reflecting the light onto the Boss's face and chest.
Boss: You ever think about staying on full-time?
Cut back outside.
ScruffyXander: What? Why isn't he firing me?... Him?
Cut back inside.
Boss: I was thinking that I'd have you head up our interior carpentry crew... (Closeup of the shiny thing in SuaveXander's hand, reflecting the light.)...see how it goes. It's more responsibility, but the pay is better.
SuaveXander: (enthusiastically) That would be great.
Cut to outside.
ScruffyXander: Promotion? But I... I mean, he didn't... Doesn't he see the shiny thing? (Gestures angrily at the window. This causes him to lose his balance and fall off his perch.)
Cut back inside. The Boss shakes SuaveXander's hand.
Boss: Congratulations, Harris. You and your girl should go out and celebrate.
SuaveXander: I already have an idea how.
Cut to exterior of the apartment building, night. The For Rent sign is gone.
Cut to interior of the apartment. SuaveXander is filling out forms while the Manager lady watches. He's still wearing the khaki pants and blue shirt, but now with a brown suit jacket over it.
Manager: I was going to call you, Mr. Harris, let you know your credit checked out fine, but... I really didn't think you'd be back.
Cut to the hallway. ScruffyXander is listening in, crouching on the floor.
ScruffyXander: "Mister Harris." Yeah, right.
Manager: I'm sure you'll like the building....
Cut back to inside the apartment.
Manager: (smiling)...I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
SuaveXander: Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and... go with it.
Manager laughs a little more than necessary.
Manager: Well... (picking up documents) I hope you'll be happy here, Mr. Harris. We're certainly happy to have you.
SuaveXander: Thank you. (We see that he's doing the trick with the shiny thing again.)
Manager: And if you... need anything... day, or night... please. Call me.
SuaveXander grins.
Manager: I, um... I'm leaving my home number here...
Cut to hallway.
ScruffyXander: She's coming on to him... me!
Cut back to inside apartment.
Manager: Call me. (hands SuaveXander her card) Even for, you know... non-business stuff. Maybe we could, uh, do something?
Cut to hallway.
ScruffyXander: Please, lady, that is so not me. He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy.
He leaps aside as the door opens. He rushes to hide around the corner.
Manager: (in doorway) Remember... any time.
She closes the door and walks off.
Cut back to inside apartment. SuaveXander is dialing the phone.
SuaveXander: Anya, you there?... Look, I know you're still mad, but... I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
Cut to Anya's apartment. She's standing there in a bathrobe, still with arm in sling, listening to SuaveXander on the answering machine.
Anya: Am not.
Cut back to Xander's apartment.
SuaveXander: Look, I have something to show you. Meet me at the apartment.
Cut back to Anya's.
SuaveXander: (on machine) You know the one. Nine o'clock. (Beep)
Anya looks conflicted.
Cut back to hallway outside Xander's apartment. The door opens and SuaveXander comes out. He closes the door, locks it with the key. ScruffyXander comes out from around the corner and leaps on SuaveXander's back, yelling.
ScruffyXander: Yaah!
SuaveXander throws him off and ScruffyXander falls down. He gets up and they stare at each other. SuaveXander punches ScruffyXander in the face. He goes down again, clutching his nose.
ScruffyXander: I won't let you do this!
NEIGHBOR WOMAN: (OS) What's going on down there?
ScruffyXander: You can't do this to me!
SuaveXander turns and runs off. ScruffyXander groans and clutches his face.
ScruffyXander: Oh, man, I need Buffy.
Cut to shot of Sunnydale, night, with rain pouring down. Cut to exterior of Giles' apartment (courtyard). ScruffyXander runs across the courtyard, soaking wet.
SuaveXander: (OS) No, no. He looked exactly like me.
ScruffyXander goes to the window and sees SuaveXander talking to Riley, Buffy, and Giles.
SuaveXander: It stole my face. We have to find it, and we have to kill it.
ScruffyXander turns away.
ScruffyXander: She sees it's not me. Please, Buffy... resist his spell. Do this for me.
He turns to look in the window again.
Buffy: (to SuaveXander) Don't worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the slayer now.
ScruffyXander stares through the window in alarm. Blackout.
~~~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~~~
Exterior shot of a UC Sunnydale dorm building, still night, still raining. Cut to inside Willow's bedroom. She enters, carrying some books. A moment later the door bursts open and ScruffyXander comes in, thoroughly drenched.
ScruffyXander: Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander.
Willow puts her books on the bed, looking confused.
ScruffyXander: And I can prove it.
Willow: Um... okay. (Sits on the bed)
ScruffyXander: Let's see. (paces) Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday... I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn't get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. (grins nervously. Willow doesn't respond. He paces more.) For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh! (points at Willow) Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance.
He begins to do the Snoopy dance, wearing a big grin. Willow watches for a moment and then gets up.
Willow: (smiling) Xander... stop dancing.
ScruffyXander: Aha! You called me Xander!
Willow: Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
ScruffyXander: Oh. Huh.
Willow: What's goin' on?
ScruffyXander: (sighs) Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.
Willow: Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It, it's more like a really nice hovel.
ScruffyXander: No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning.
Willow: Nuh uh! We walked you home last night, remember? (Sits down on bed again)
ScruffyXander: You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around?
Willow: Shiny things, what are you talking about?
ScruffyXander: Last night, that wasn't me. There's a double out there. Some... thing has stolen my face, and it's going around pretending to be me, and it's hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Riley. It's over there right now and they have no idea.
Cut to Giles' apartment.
Giles: What's intriguing me is that there are any number of demons with the ability to mimic a simple form, but, uh... this sounds like more than that.
SuaveXander: Hold up. Do we really have to figure out what it is? Let's just go kill it.
Riley: Yeah. When the imposter's killed, the body'll probably turn back into whatever it really is, and then we'll know.
Buffy: Toth!
They all look at her.
Buffy: The demon with the creepy stick thing.
SuaveXander: (thoughtfully) Toth.
Buffy: It's gotta be! He hit Xander with that blast, and somehow it allowed him to take Xander's form. Couldn't that be what the creepy stick thing did?
Giles: Yes... I suppose, yes, yes, it makes sense. A shape-shifting device. (Moves offscreen toward his bookshelves)
SuaveXander: It does make sense. It must be Toth.
Cut back to Willow's room. Willow and ScruffyXander are sitting side-by-side on the bed. He's wringing out his wet clothing.
ScruffyXander: (angrily) It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.
Willow: Uh huh. Or it's Toth.
ScruffyXander: (still angrily) Or, it's Toth.
Cut back to Giles'.
Buffy: I was gonna look for Toth anyway. Guess now I start... looking for you.
SuaveXander: Should I go with you? I... told Anya to meet me at my new place. I'd feel a whole lot better knowing she's safe from this creep.
Buffy nods.
Buffy: Go be with her. I, I mean, if you were out there looking for the double too... (looks at Riley, then back at SuaveXander) let's just say that I wouldn't wanna run into you and kill the wrong one.
SuaveXander: Good thinking. When you kill this thing, you better make sure you got the one's who's actually-
Cut back to Willow's.
ScruffyXander: A demon. A demon has taken my life from me, and he's living it better than I do.
He's now standing and has his Hawaiian shirt in his hands. He gives it a shake to remove the water. Willow is still sitting on the bed, and winces as the water sprays her.
Willow: Well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to... unhypnotize her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it. (Stands up and goes to her bookcase)
ScruffyXander: (sourly) Right. Whatever.
Willow: (turns back to him) Xander, you sound a little... you have to help me figure this out, you know.
ScruffyXander: But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
Willow: That's not true! Sometimes we all helped save you. (realizes that was unhelpful) And sometimes you're not in trouble.
They both sit on the bed again.
ScruffyXander: I'm just... another great humiliation. (Willow looks sympathetic) But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life, and everyone's treating him... Everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like...
Willow: Like what?
ScruffyXander: Like... he's doing everything better. He's smarter, and... (shakes head) I don't know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.
Willow: Xander, no! (Puts hand on his shoulder) You're just tired, and... and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard, but you can't let him just take your whole existence.
ScruffyXander: Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I'm sure the guy is not gonna go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!" (Willow still looking sympathetic) No, what have I got that's even worth- (eyes widen) Anya!
Willow: You think he's after her?
ScruffyXander: She won't know. He can just... no. No way! (Jumps up) No way. He can take anything, but he can't have her. I need her.
Willow: (half disgusted, half smiling) Really?
ScruffyXander: (desperately) He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something... revealy. I gotta find her. (Turns to leave)
Willow: Xander.... (He turns back) You already knew he was taking over your life, and... you didn't think about Anya till just now?
ScruffyXander: Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it. (Exits)
Willow: (pouts) I handled it fine.
Cut to Anya's apartment. ScruffyXander bursts in.
ScruffyXander: Anya? An?
He looks around. No one there. He notices the answering machine blinking and pushes the button.
SuaveXander: (on machine) Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. 9:00.
ScruffyXander looks around, runs to a bureau, starts rummaging through the drawers.
ScruffyXander: It's gotta be here. Where is it?
Cut to Xander's apartment. SuaveXander is getting together a bottle of wine and two glasses. Anya stands in the living room, on a blanket that's spread on the floor. A picnic basket is at her feet.
Anya: You're lying. It's a trick.
SuaveXander: No. Trust me.
He walks over with the wine and puts it on the floor next to the basket.
Anya: You really got this apartment?
SuaveXander: I really did. And do you know why?
Anya looks around.
Anya: The ceiling fans? Very attractive.
SuaveXander: No. It's because I knew you wanted it. It's all for you.
She moves closer to him and they kiss.
SuaveXander: Anya, you didn't see me today, did you? I mean, we didn't talk?
Anya: What do you mean? I just got your phone message, that's all.
SuaveXander: Good.
They kiss some more, kneel and then sit on the blanket.
Anya: So... what happens next?
SuaveXander: Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
Anya: I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
SuaveXander: (confused) A car?
Anya: And a boat. No, wait, I - I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
SuaveXander: What are you talking about?
Anya: Just... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
SuaveXander: There's no hurry.
Anya: Yes there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying.
SuaveXander looks shocked.
Anya: I may have as few as fifty years left.
SuaveXander: Fifty years? What is thi- Oh, wait a minute. This is about this. (Touching her arm sling)
Anya: What about the sling?
SuaveXander: You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. (She nods reluctantly) Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
Anya: (pouting) No, that's not it.
SuaveXander: Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years. (Anya nods) And now you're gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.
Anya: You don't understand what it's like.
SuaveXander: Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
Anya: You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And... you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
SuaveXander: No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. (Anya looks somewhat comforted) I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.
They smooch.
Suddenly the door bursts open and ScruffyXander rushes in. SuaveXander and Anya look up.
ScruffyXander: Get away from her!
Anya: Xander!
Anya and SuaveXander stand up.
Anya: (to SuaveXander) Xander!
SuaveXander: (to ScruffyXander) Get out. You don't belong here.
ScruffyXander: Anya. It's me.
Anya looks in confusion from one to the other. She starts to walk toward ScruffyXander but SuaveXander stops her.
SuaveXander: It's a demon. He stole my face, he's trying to trick you.
Anya looks from one to the other, very confused.
SuaveXander: Anya, you know I'm me, right?
ScruffyXander: No!
Anya looks at ScruffyXander again and moves closed to SuaveXander.
Anya: What is it? Make it go away.
Cut to Giles'. Riley is looking at a map. We see Giles in the background looking at books.
Riley: So you're thinking we split up?
Buffy: Yeah, you check the places where he might try and go and blend in as Xander. I'll check the places where Toth might hang out.
The door bursts open and Willow enters.
Giles: I swear, this time I know I had that locked.
Willow: Buffy, Toth looks like Xander.
Riley: We already know. We're on our way.
Buffy: Wait a second, how did you know about this?
Willow: He came to me. I-I mean Xander did. And he's in terrible shape, we need to help him.
Shot of Giles reading a book, not listening to them.
Riley: He came to us too.
Willow: No. We each had a Xander. I mean... you didn't have a Xander, you had a, a demon in a Xander suit.
Buffy: What makes you so sure that yours is the right one?
Willow: He knew stuff! He, he did the Snoopy dance. (Another shot of Giles reading) Buffy, it was Xander, and he needs us.
Giles: Oh, dear lord.
Riley: Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little-
Buffy: He seemed kind of forceful and confident.
Willow: That's not Xander.
Giles: I said, "Oh, dear lord."
Buffy: You always say that.
Giles: Well, it's always important! (coming forward to join them, carrying book) Neither Xander is a demon.
Willow: Um... is one of them a robot?
Giles: What? No. Um, uh, the rod device, it's called a ferula-gemina. It splits one person in half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the slayer into two different entities. (Hands the book to Willow)
Buffy: Two Buffys?
Giles: Yes. One with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers, and the other one with everything that belongs to the slayer alone... the, uh, the-the strength, the, uh, speed, the heritage. And when it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his (grimaces) weakest.
Riley: But which one's the real one?
Giles: They're both real. They're both Xander. Neither one of them is evil. There's nothing in either of them that our Xander doesn't already possess.
Riley: I still don't get the original plan. I mean, why do it? The slayer half would be like slayer concentrate, pretty unkillable.
Giles: But the two halves can't exist without each other. Kill the weaker Buffy half, and the slayer half dies.
Buffy: So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both.
Cut back to Xander's apartment.
ScruffyXander: He's the demon! (Anya looks uncertainly at SuaveXander) Or possibly a robot. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Can't you see it's me?
Anya looks from one to the other, still completely confused.
Anya: I, I don't know!
ScruffyXander: (desperately) Please! Look at him! Listen to him! He's all smooth! You have to know it's me!
SuaveXander: Don't worry, Anya. I'll get rid of this thing. I'm thinkin' this is gonna last about fifteen seconds. (Walks slowly toward ScruffyXander)
ScruffyXander reaches inside his clothing and pulls out a gun. He points it at SuaveXander.
ScruffyXander: I'm thinkin' less.
Blackout.
~~~~~~ Commercial Break ~~~~~~
Fade back in on the standoff. ScruffyXander points the gun at SuaveXander, with Anya behind. Suddenly Anya rushes forward.
Anya: No! Don't shoot him!
She pushes the gun so it points at the ceiling. SuaveXander comes forward and grabs ScruffyXander's hands and they all three grapple for the gun.
Cut to exterior shot of a car zooming down the streets. Cut to interior of car with Riley driving and Buffy in the passenger seat.
Buffy: Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.
Riley: We're pushing 70.
Pause. Buffy looks meditative.
Buffy: Riley, do you wish-
Riley: No.
Buffy: No? You don't even know what I was gonna say.
Riley: Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.
Buffy: Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole slayer gig. Instead of having slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.
Riley: Hey. I have Buffy Buffy. Being the slayer's part of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get that, but...
Buffy: It's just... I know how... un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters...
Riley: Buffy... if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I'm talkin' toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There's no part of you I'm not in love with.
Buffy looks up at him. He glances at her. She smiles a little, then looks out her window.
Buffy: We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead. (frowns) You know what I mean.
Riley nods.
Shot of the car zooming along.
Cut back to the apartment. The Xanders and Anya are still wrestling over the gun.
ScruffyXander: Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot!
The gun falls to the floor. SuaveXander grabs it.
SuaveXander: Anya... get out of the way.
Anya is standing in front of ScruffyXander. Buffy and Riley rush in.
Buffy: Xander!
Riley closes the door.
SuaveXander: (smiling) All right, Buffy. I have him.
ScruffyXander: No! Buffy! I'm me! Help me!
Anya: My gun! He's got my gun! (Pointing to the gun in SuaveXander's hand)
Riley: You own a gun??
Buffy: Xander... gun-holding Xander. (Walks quickly over to SuaveXander) Give me the gun.
Both Xanders stare. Finally SuaveXander holds the gun up and gives it a quick twist with one hand so that the bullets fall out onto the floor. He flips it shut and hands it to Buffy, who looks impressed.
Anya: Buffy, which one's real?
Buffy hands the gun to Riley.
ScruffyXander: I am.
SuaveXander: No, I am.
They try to attack each other but Buffy steps between them. She flings ScruffyXander across the room; he lands against the kitchen counter.
SuaveXander: Thank you.
Buffy grabs him and shoves him over next to ScruffyXander.
SuaveXander: Ow!
Anya, Riley, and Buffy come up to examine the two Xanders side-by-side.
Riley: Wild.
Buffy: Yeah. Okay, Xander... Xa... (sighs) You've been split in two. But you're both Xander. And you can't kill each other. Um, well, you could, but it would be really bad.
The Xanders look at each other.
SuaveXander: No way.
ScruffyXander: He can't be me. He's all... fancy.
Riley: We can prove that you're both Xander.
Buffy: Yeah! (to Riley) How?
Riley: Um...
Buffy: Um...
Riley: Well, there has to be a way.
Buffy: Ooh! What number am I thinking of?
Riley: I don't think that's gonna do it.
XanderS: (in unison) Eleven and a half.
Buffy: Wrong. Oh! But see?
The Xanders frown.
ScruffyXander: No. We're not the same. We're all different.
Riley: Different properties went into each of you, but you're both Xander.
Anya: Different properties?
ScruffyXander: What different properties?
Buffy: Uh, uh, you know, uh, sense of direction. Good night vision, stuff like that.
ScruffyXander: Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket! (pointing to SuaveXander's pocket) A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!
SuaveXander: (reaching in pocket, taking out the thing) What disk?
ScruffyXander: Cover your eyes! (covering eyes with hands)
SuaveXander: This?
ScruffyXander: It'll melt your brain!
Buffy takes the thing from SuaveXander. Anya and Riley lean in to see.
Buffy: (to ScruffyXander) Look.
SuaveXander: (tolerantly) It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magic.
ScruffyXander uncovers his eyes to take the thing from Buffy.
ScruffyXander: No, I... huh. It is kinda cool. (SuaveXander nods tolerantly) Washington's still there, but he's all smushy. (looks more closely) And he may be Jefferson.
Anya: Okay, isn't anyone gonna tell me why there are two Xanders?
Buffy: I will on the way to Giles'. Let's go.
They all turn to leave just as the door is smashed in. ScruffyXander and Anya hide behind SuaveXander, grabbing his shoulders. Toth strides in.
Buffy: Oh great. Rod boy.
Toth: I will not miss again, slayer.
ScruffyXander: (standing behind SuaveXander, clutching him around the shoulders) The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces!
Toth raises his rod. Buffy and Riley dive away in opposite directions. Toth fires at Buffy and misses, tearing a big hole in the floor.
SuaveXander: Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit!
Riley jumps on Toth from behind, making him drop the rod. He throws Riley off. Riley punches him a few times, then Toth head-butts him and flings him aside. Buffy comes up and kicks Toth a few times, punches him a few times, then he picks her up and body-slams her. She kicks up as he approaches, catching him on the chin. She gets up, lands a few more kicks and punches, and Toth goes down.
Buffy: Sword!
Riley grabs the sword from the bag of weapons and throws it to her. She catches it and stabs Toth. He screams and dies.
Buffy stands up, panting. Anya and ScruffyXander let go of SuaveXander. They all cluster around the corpse.
SuaveXander: Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone.
ScruffyXander: (gasps) I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander?
SuaveXander gives him a big grin. Anya stares at them.
Cut to a shot of the two Xanders side-by-side. Now they're dressed the same, both in yellow T-shirts and identical Hawaiian shirts, but ScruffyXander's shirt is all dirty whereas SuaveXander's is clean, and ScruffyXander's hair is much messier.
ScruffyXander: Look and admire, ladies.
We see that they're in the magic shop. Willow, Buffy and Anya are in a row staring at the Xanders, fascinated. In the background we see Riley watching, and Giles on the floor making markings with chalk.
Buffy: (looking closely) Look, there's a scar there, (pointing at ScruffyXander's forehead) and there's the same one right there. (pointing at SuaveXander's forehead)
Willow: It's all double. (pointing) This zit, and this... kinda funny dippy thing. A-and this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way (pointing to ScruffyXander's nose)
ScruffyXander: Okay! Back off, ladies.
Riley: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone wanna lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them?
Everyone gives him an odd look.
Riley: Just me, then.
Anya: So... you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same... (looking downward) physical attributes? (Laughs suggestively)
SuaveXander: We're completely identical.
ScruffyXander: Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. (Anya frowns in puzzlement) Fingerprints!
Anya: (turning to the others) Well, maybe we shouldn't do this reintegration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home, and... we can all have sex together, and... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Giles tries not to look appalled. Buffy and Riley grin.
SuaveXander: She's joking.
ScruffyXander: No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong, and, and it would be very confusing.
Giles: (getting up from the floor) Uh, uh, we just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Willow: Check. Candles and pretense.
Everyone moves around getting stuff ready, except the Xanders.
Anya: It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander.
ScruffyXander: Now, hold on a sec. If you weren't putting a whammy on people with the shiny thing, how'd you do it? How'd you get the promotion?
SuaveXander: Well, I'm good at that stuff.
ScruffyXander: I am?
SuaveXander: Yeah.
ScruffyXander: And hey, how 'bout that lady, huh? The apartment Manager.
SuaveXander: How weird was it when she called me "mister"?
The Xanders grin goofily at each other.
Willow: We're ready. We should do it now. (The Xanders turn their grins toward her)
Anya: What'll we do if this doesn't work?
XanderS: (unison) Kill us both, Spock! (They look at each other and laugh delightedly.)
Buffy: They're... kinda the same now.
Giles: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
ScruffyXander: Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant. Let's do it.
Willow: Actually, it's not that hard. Your natural state is to be together. Toth's spell is doing all the work of keeping you apart. I just have to break it. So you two... (takes them both and positions them inside the chalk markings) stand right here. Side by side. We don't want you to end up with two fronts, now do we?
ScruffyXander: Are you sure you know how to do this?
Willow: (exhales) Here we go. Brace yourselves.
The two Xanders close their eyes and prepare.
Willow: Let the spell be ended.
Closeup of a single Xander, still with eyes closed.
Xander: You gotta be kidding. "Let the spell be ended," that's not gonna work.
He opens his eyes and sees there's only one of him.
Xander: Oh!
Willow smiles proudly.
Anya: I liked it the other way. Put him back.
Shot of Buffy raising her eyebrows.
Cut to interior of Xander's basement. Xander and Riley are carrying boxes out. Anya is sitting on a stool reading a magazine. Riley and Xander put the boxes by the door, and Xander pauses to look around.
Riley: Getting nostalgic?
Xander: I don't know. At first it's just a place, then you start to make memories, and... then you're like, (pointing) that's where Spike slept, and (pointing) there, that's where Anya and I drowned the separvo demon. Oh! (points) and, and right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. (shakes head) I really hate this place.
He and Riley turn to pick up the boxes as Buffy walks by. She goes to pick up another box, passing Anya.
Buffy: Anya. I see you've joined the non-sling-wearing crowd.
Anya: (smiling) Yes, I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death. Excepting disease or airbag failure.
Buffy: That sounds nice. (Walks off carrying box)
Xander walks up to Anya, carrying another box.
Anya: Ooh! (tosses magazine aside) Presents?
Xander: Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little.
Anya: Me? (pouts) Buffy has super strength. Why don't we just load her up like one of those little horses?
Xander: Anya. Please.
Anya: (getting off stool) Fine. I'm just your slave. (Takes box and goes out)
Xander watches her go. Riley watches too, while packing a box.
Xander: How is it that she can always make me feel SuaveXander's left the building?
Riley: You two have your friction, but... she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
Xander: Still, I do envy you sometimes. (Riley looks up at him) I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. (quickly) Not that I ever was.
Riley: (grinning) Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like, lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just... on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half... is so still and peaceful... just perfectly content. Just knows: this is the one. (Smiles a little, continues packing for a moment, then looks up at Xander again.) But she doesn't love me.
Xander stares at him, not knowing what to say. Buffy re-enters.
Buffy: Got something else for me to carry?
Riley: Uh, you can help me pack this.
Buffy: Sure. (goes over to Riley and kisses him) Sure.
They both turn to the packing as Xander watches. Blackout.
END Credits.
