Kid Vicious
June 1999He stumbled into the bedroom, not bothering to turn on the lights. He didn’t want to wake her. As he bumped into the dresser, his hip catching the sharp corner, however, he cursed loudly, stumbled a bit more, and soon was on the floor. “Benji, you’re drunk again,” a voice mumbled from the depths of the pillows.“Nuh-uh,” he replied, still on the floor.“Yes, you are. Just turn on the light so you don’t break anything.”“I didn’t want to wake you up…”“I’m already awake.”“Oh, yeah.” Benji grabbed onto the edge of the bed and slowly climbed to his feet. He stretched out his arms and blindly reached for the wall. Once he found the wall, he found the light switch and flicked it on. The overhead light came on, temporarily blinding him. Looking over at the bed, he saw his girlfriend’s form curled up under the covers, her blue hair splayed out on the black pillow. “What time is it?”“Too late for you to be coming home, too early for me to get up.”“So it’s…?”“It’s 2:18 in the morning. Come on, get your nasty concert clothes off and get in bed.” Benji did as he was told, stripping down to his boxers, and, after pausing for a moment, slipped those off too. He pulled back the blankets and climbed in; he cuddled close to her warm body. “Are you going to turn the light off?” she asked, already knowing the answer. He made a sound, though whether it was an actual word or just some random noise he made, she wasn’t sure. She climbed out, flipped the switch, and went back to the bed in the dark.“God, I love you,” Benji whispered, throwing an arm over her. She inhaled deeply, loving the smell of his cologne—just a trace of it now, he had put it on hours ago.“How was the gig tonight?” she asked, rolling over to face him. He was barely awake now. His breathing was slowing, becoming more regular. She wasn’t sure if he was still awake.“It was good. Almost sold-out. Kid Vicious rocked,” he answered quietly, referring to his alter ego. “Afterward, the guys and I went out for some drinks.” She didn’t answer. “Okay, a lot of drinks.”“I don’t mind the drinking, Benji, it’s the late hours. I have to work tomorrow, and I don’t need you just stumbling in here at all hours of the night.”He brought his hand up to her head, and started running his fingers through her hair. “I’m sorry, baby. Wanna make out?”“It’s 2:20 in the morning.”“I’ll take that as a yes.”
Present Day“Damn it, Benji, she came into my room last night, crying her eyes out. Did you hit her? ‘Cuz if you did, I swear to God, I will kick your ass,” Joel yelled at his twin. “What the hell are you talking about? All I remember is coming home after the show and she was asleep on the couch!”“If that was all then why did she come to me at midnight, asking if she could stay the night?”“Dude, I don’t know! Leave me alone!” Benji screamed, walking away. He opened the door to his hotel room, slammed it behind him, and fell on the bed. As he stared at the ceiling, he asked himself, “What the hell is wrong with me?”
August 1999“Courtney, come here, come here, look at this!” Benji shouted, all but jumping up and down in joy. They were on the street outside of a bar, and he was waving a piece of paper in the air. Courtney, her hair now more of a purple color, came around the corner, expecting anything. Benji had a way of being excited about anything. He could go on for hours about how he had found a dollar in the street.“Yes?” she asked a little warily.“Check it out! Our first headlining tour!” She looked at the paper. “Oh, wow! This is so great! The D.C. area better watch out, ‘cuz here comes Good Charlotte!” They both laughed a little; the concert was only six dates, and it was mainly in bars, but it was indeed their first headlining tour. “See? What did I tell you? Good things come to those who wait.”“But I’m impatient. I want the good things now.” He reached out and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her to him. “I want them now,” he repeated softly, looking into her eyes. He gently pinched her around the waist, and said, “You have the cutest little lovehandles.”“Little?” she asked, raising her eyebrows.“I’m not gonna say anything more.”“I wouldn’t be talking if I were you, Mr. ‘I like to wear tight black t-shirts even though I don’t work out.’”“Hey, I could be wearing wifebeaters all the time like Joel.”“I take it back. I like your black t-shirts.” She closed her eyes and went in to kiss him, ecstatic when his lips met hers, lost with him when she felt his tongue part her lips, enter her mouth. Her arms slowly came up around him, one hand resting on his ass, the other on his shoulder. She could feel him growing excited as the kiss continued.“Damn it, have you two ever heard the phrase ‘Get a room?’” Billy asked, walking toward them.“Not a bad idea,” Benji whispered, rubbing Courtney’s stomach with his thumbs.“Have either of you seen Joel? I mean, if you had a chance to look around.”“He over there, buying some new jeans. He ripped the ass out of the old ones, jumping around on stage.” Courtney pointed across the street to a Salvation Army store. She grabbed Benji’s hands and pulled him toward the street. “Come on, let’s go see what we can find.”“Why the hell would I go in there?” he asked, taken aback. “That place is for scumbags.”“Dude, that’s your favorite store!” Billy said, surprised. The man he was talking to didn’t even seem like the Benji he knew. There was just something…different about him. Billy crossed the street quickly then, stranding Courtney with the stranger that looked like one of his best friends.Courtney was a little shocked too. She let go of his hand and looked into his eyes. “Why would you say that to him?”“Who the fuck are you to tell me what I can and can’t do? You’re just a stupid little bitch… No, I take that back. You’re a stupid fat bitch.” He put his hands on his hips and glared at her. “And who the fuck has purple hair?”For a moment, she could say nothing. She was numb. The man she loved, had been in love with from the first night she met him, had just hurt her more deeply than anyone she had ever known. Her face was growing warm and her eyes began to burn. Tears welled at the corners. She balled her fists. Her breathing was short and painful. It hurt to blink. How could he say this to her? “Benji…I…”A sudden change seemed to come over him then. His eyes regained their natural sparkle, his whole being seemed more vibrant. He looked at Courtney, saw the tears in her eyes, and immediately went to pull her into a hug. She resisted as the water flowed freely down her cheeks. “Baby, what’s wrong?”“What’s wrong? What’s wrong?!” she repeated, growing hysterical. “Did you just forget what you said to me?”Benji thought for a moment. “That we should get a room? I personally thought it was a very good idea, but, hey, if you don’t wanna…”“That is not what you said. Oh, my God. How you can stand there and lie to me? How can you just forget what you told me, how you insulted me? I thought you loved me.” Benji was about to answer her when she ran over to the Salvation Army to look for Joel and Billy.“I do love you! You’re my life!” he shouted after her. All she did in reply was flip him off before she entered the store. He ran after her, dodging cars in the street. He entered the thrift shop and was greeted by the smell of musty clothing and the glares of his brother and friend. They stood by the door, their arms crossed over their chests, their expressions showing their resentment. “Where’s Courtney?” he asked, a little breathlessly. Silence was his answer. “Come on, guys, I need to know. Something happened out there…”“Yeah, something happened. Something only a douche bag would do. I could hear you all the way across the street,” Billy said, taking a menacing step forward.“What the hell did I say that was so bad?” Benji pleaded. He heard a loud sob coming from the dressing room. He went over to the door and turned the handle. Locked. “Courtney, please, talk to me. Please. What did I do wrong?” he asked the closed door, which earned him a confused glare from the lone cashier.“You honestly don’t know?” a shaky voice answered him.“No. All I remember is kissing you, then you were standing there crying. I’m not that bad of a kisser, am I?” He got a small laugh out of her with that, but it wasn’t a very happy laugh. He heard a soft click, and door swung open. “Whatever it is I did to upset you, I’m sorry. I can’t apologize enough. You know I love you.” She ran the few steps to him and he wrapped his arms around her. She sobbed violently into his shoulder, her shoulders heaving. He gently rubbed his hand up and down her back, playfully twirling some of her loose hair. He used his free hand to lift her chin up so he could look her in her eyes. They were red from crying, but they were still the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, not really knowing what he was apologizing for.“I forgive you,” she whispered back, kissing him softly. Joel and Billy sadly shook their heads. This type of fight had been happening between the couple for months now. Joel knew his brother would never intentionally hurt someone he cared about. He had seen enough of that with their parents. But something was definitely going on inside that black and pink covered head that no one could know about. “So did you find some pants or what, Joel?”
Present DayCourtney was still in Joel’s room, sitting in a chair, staring blankly at the television. She wasn’t quite sure which station it was, and frankly, she didn’t care. She couldn’t handle much more of this fighting with Benji. It had been happening for three years now. Once she had promised herself that if she ever entered into a relationship that was anything less than bliss she would leave it. Her relationship with Benji had seen way too many ups and downs to be blissful. Sometimes she would sit and cry, wondering why she was still with him. He would be so sweet at times, making her feel like a goddess, and the next, he would be insulting her, slapping her, and even… But she didn’t want to think about that now. She tried to focus on the television. It appeared to be a baseball game. Orioles and Yankees. They were tied at one in the bottom of the fourth inning. She smiled a little when she saw Derek Jeter. The man had a very nice ass on him. So did Benji. It was just one of the things she loved about her rock star boyfriend. But there were so many other things she didn’t love.Joel opened the door, came in, and sat on the bed. He put his head in his hands, sighing deeply. The uncomfortable moment of silence between the two became a chasm. Minutes passed, and nothing was said. Finally, Joel stood, sniffling, and started to pace the room. “You know, I think there might be something seriously wrong with Benji,” he said finally, coming over to stand in front of Courtney. She never took her eyes off the screen. He leaned in close to her, until he saw her eyes focus on him. “Like, seriously, a mental problem.” She swallowed, trying not to think of where this was going. “I think we should try and get him some help.”“Now you thing we should get him some help? Now? Why not say, a few damn years ago when all this started? Before he started hitting me?”Joel’s eyes widened. “So he did hit you!” He started quickly for the door, but was stopped when Courtney leapt up out of the chair to grab his arm.“No! No! Joel, please, he didn’t mean to…” she pleaded, her hazel eyes meeting his dark brown.“You don’t deserve to be treated like shit. You’re too wonderful a person,” Joel said, placing his hands on her shoulders. “Too beautiful, too smart, too funny, too amazing…” With each compliment his voice dropped a bit in volume, and Courtney was unconsciously leaning in toward him. “He doesn’t deserve you.” He leaned in to kiss her, just a soft meeting of their lips.“Joel, I… We can’t do this. We can’t. It’s not right. I love Benji.” Courtney’s half-hearted attempt to stop him brought him in deeper.“Yes, we can. You need someone who can treat you right, and Benji just isn’t that someone.” He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him, loving the feel of her breasts against his chest. “Let me be that someone.”“Joel, not now, please. I can’t do this now. Just hold me.” So he did.
October 1999Benji sat with a notebook and his favorite chewed-up pencil on a picnic table down by the beach. The late afternoon sun beat down on his head, and a soft breeze stirred his loose hair. He didn’t feel like putting it up today. He hadn’t felt like doing much of anything lately. He and Courtney had hit a rough point in their relationship. It seemed like she was getting upset with him for nothing. And those weird lapses of memory he kept having weren’t helping things. Pain and confusion were always great muses for him, hence the reason he was here—a quiet, tranquil spot to write.He looked down at what he had already written. It was an outpouring of his soul.Summer air reminds me of all the feelings of your loveAnd what it was like when we were togetherWalking on along beach, you were never far from reachAnd you held me through stormy weatherBenji thought back to remember the first night he had met Courtney. They were at a mutual friend’s party and he had first caught sight of her when she jumped up on the couch and started singing karoke. It was some Pretenders song, which one, he couldn’t remember now. He did remember that she had a great voice. And a great smile. And beautiful eyes. Benji looked out across the water. He always felt so lonely by the water. More inspiration…And I, I wanna fall in love tonightAnd I remember when you said“Everything is gonna be all right, all right”“Kid Vicious writing sappy love songs. Un-fucking-believable,” he muttered under his breath, then started gnawing on the pencil. He ripped the paper out of the notebook, crumpled it up, and threw it on the ground in front of him. “Damn, I need a drink.” He blinked a few times, then looked back out over the water. A small gust of cool autumn wind stirred his loose hair. He inhaled deeply, enjoying the crispness of the afternoon. Benji went to write another lyric that had popped into his head when he noticed his original words were gone. They had mysteriously disappeared out of the college-ruled notebook. He looked around him, to see if he had accidentally dropped it. He spotted the ball of paper. That couldn’t be it…but he picked it up anyway, slowly unfolding it. This was the paper. How had it ended up like this? Another odd lapse in his memory. He scribbled away, not wanting to forget the line.October air reminds me of all the seasons of your loveAnd what it was like when were togetherThe smell of fall is everywhere, and now it seems I just don’t care‘Cuz now you’ve gone awayAnd gone away she had. Just last week, he had awoken to hear her sobbing into her pillow, and when he asked her what was wrong, she had said, “Everything.” Earlier that same evening, he had been in the mood, and she wasn’t…maybe that had something to do with it. No, that kind of thing had happened before and it hadn’t made her so upset. The next morning he had watched the sun come up. He had gone into the bedroom. He had noticed the bruises on her wrists and her face. How had that happened?He didn’t know.
Present DayBenji pounded on his brother’s door. “Joel, please, man, let me in! I need to see her! Joel! I want my baby…” He continued pounding his fist on the door under his entire arm was numb. No one came to answer it. “Courtney!” Nothing. Filled with a great mixture of anger, longing, and passion, he stepped back and kicked the door. It gave a little. He kicked again. A bit more. One final kick. Down it went.“Shit, Benji, you know how much that’s gonna cost to fix?” Joel yelled, astonished.Benji leapt into the room, looking for her. There she was, sitting on the edge of the disheveled bed. Her hair mussed, and she was wearing a pair of Joel’s sweatpants. His mind immediately took all this in and came up with an answer he didn’t like. “You whore,” he said under his breath. “You goddamn whore. You’ve been making shit up all this time just so you could run to Joel and fuck him.”“No! It’s not what it looks like! We—you…”“Dude, she only had a t-shirt on last night when she came down here. I just gave her some pants to wear…”“Shut up! Don’t you realize I can see right through your pathetic lies?” He marched toward the bed, a murderous gleam in his dark brown eyes. “By the time I’m done with you, you won’t be able to move, let alone fuck my brother.” He grabbed her wrist and fiercely slapped her face with his free hand. Joel jumped at him, trying to defend Courtney, but Benji had fast reflexes and swung her around to block the blow. Joel went down and Courtney gasped loudly in pain. “Just a sec, babe,” he said sarcastically, throwing her to the bed. He walked over and kicked Joel in the groin several times, then picked him up, threw him in a closet, and locked the door from the outside. “All better,” he said in a singsong voice. Jumping onto the bed, he clasped both of her wrists in one hand while using the other to undo his pants and pull them off; he then ripped Joel’s sweatpants off of Courtney. “Now you’ll see who’s better. You’ll see who you belong with.”Silent tears streamed down her face. This had happened too many times before. She knew not to fight him. That would only lead to more pain. She just lied there while he did what he needed to do. When he noticed she wasn’t getting into it, he reached up and started pulling at her hair. Even though it hurt, she tried, she pretended to enjoy what was going on. He was too rough. Joel was pounding on the closet door. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Benji was pounding into her. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore it all. “Benji,” she managed to gasp, hoping he’d let up.“Quit calling me Benji!” he screamed, his fist connecting with her jaw. Finally he stopped. He whispered, “Bitch,” once into her ear before getting dressed, then leaving. Courtney gritted her teeth and forced herself to climb out of the bed so she could let Joel out of the closet. When she did, he immediately took her into his arms, trying to apologize for what his twin had done.“That wasn’t Benji,” he thought aloud.“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. There’s the man I love and then there’s this other presence that comes out. It’s so…”“Vicious.” Joel stared blankly at the wall as it all clicked within his brain. Of course. Why hadn’t he seen it before?“Exactly. That’s exactly what it is.”You mean who it is, Joel thought.
February 2000“Happy Valentine’s Day, Courtney,” Benji said, bashfully handing her a half dozen pink roses. He was rewarded with one of her amazing smiles. She took them and basked in the attention. Everyone in the band had given her something. Joel had given her a small box of chocolates; Billy, a spiked bracelet; Paul, some black nail polish; and Aaron, a gift certificate to Hot Topic. Courtney had given them gifts as well, things like drumsticks, guitar picks, and for Benji, a little handmade booklet of favors she could give him. Oh, how he had blushed when he flipped through that. She threw the roses on the table and grabbed Benji’s shirt, pulling him to her. “Can I use one of my favors now?” he asked, winking.“Depends. How much do you want the other guys to see?”“Hmm. You’re right. Let’s just go with a kiss.”“Oh, come on! You guys are always making out!” Paul whined. “Benji, just tell her the news!”“What news?” she asked, planting a soft kiss on his forehead.“Well, we wanted to surprise you, so we thought, why not tell her today? Because she’s not really gonna expect it on a day like today, and it’s such great news…” Her eyes widened in anticipation. “And then we couldn’t figure out who was going to tell you, but Joel said it should be me, seeing as how you are my girlfriend and all…”“Jesus, just tell her, man!” Joel laughed.“We got signed to a recording deal. We go into the studio next week.” Benji grinned like an idiot, as did the rest of the band. “We’re going to New York.” Courtney was totally shocked; she hadn’t expected this kind of news. She was so excited, she couldn’t say anything. She leapt up on Benji, wrapping her legs around his waist, kissing him madly. “I take it…you’re as happy as we are,” Benji gasped. She nodded fervently, then we back to kissing him. He put his hands on her ass, to help hold her up.“You two are pathetic,” Aaron said, leaving the room.“I’m so glad you came back,” Benji whispered into her bright red hair.“I couldn’t stay away. I love you too much,” she whispered back, finally releasing him and standing again.Later that evening, he took her out to The Lakefront Hotel for a fancy dinner, but they did not dress fancily. Both were punked out—Benji with his spiky hair, chains, and black nail polish, Courtney with her black eye makeup, metal necklaces, and band t-shirt. The restaurant had not specified a dress code, and was forced to let them in. They had planned on this and called ahead for a reservation weeks ago. Dinner was finished at seven o’clock, so they had the entire rest of the evening to themselves in a cozy suite at the hotel. “Where did you get the money for all this?” Courtney asked, awestruck. They had a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom!“Little thing called a signing bonus,” Benji said, lighting candles. He grinned madly; he loved playing with fire, he was a pyromaniac.“What’s with all the romantic stuff? This is so unlike you.”“Oh, you know me. I only do this stuff to get into your pants.” Courtney laughed out loud. Benji always had such a childlike spin on things. She didn’t think he would ever grow up. When he had finished with the matches, he jumped on the bed, laying out on his side, and giving his girlfriend his best “come hither” look. “You know you want me,” he said, wiggling his eyebrows.“You’re so pretentious. Just because you bring me out on a fancy dinner, and rent a hotel room, and sign a contract with a record label, you think I’m just gonna hop into bed with you?” Courtney asked, hands on her hips. Benji nodded emphatically. “Well, you’re right. Damn you and you’re pretentiousness.” She jumped onto the bed next to him. He stared into her eyes for a long time, watching the reflection of the candle flames in them.“Well, I’m bored now. Whatever shall we do?” he asked, winking. Courtney giggled. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a long silky black scarf. “Oh, look, a blindfold. Where did that come from?” She shook her head, falling back on the bed. She heard the soft clanking sound of metal. “And handcuffs too? What can we do with these, I wonder?” He crawled on top of her, playfully holding her wrists down. “You’re under arrest, baby. Assume the position.” She giggled again, placing her hands on the sides of his head.“You’re insane, and I love you for it,” she said, kissing him. He used this opening to handcuff one of her hands. “Oh, my God. This is great. Kinky, even,” she laughed, inching up the bed so that he could chain her to the headboard. He looped the chains around one of the posts there and cuffed her other hand.“And now, the blindfold,” he smiled, carefully tying the loose ends behind her head. And so began one of the best night’s of Courtney’s life.
Present DayJoel made sure Courtney would be okay without him before heading down to his brother’s hotel room. The door was locked, of course; Joel would have to knock to get Benji’s attention. He wasn’t sure how his twin would be acting now, though. Would he be his usual, exuberant self, or would he be that other person he had seen a few minutes ago? He started pacing the few steps in front of the door, biting his lip, wondering if this was the best time to do this. He gasped when Benji suddenly opened the door. “Hey, Joel, what’s up?” Joel had to do his best to control his anger. How could he be so nonchalant about all this? But then he remembered that Benji might not know what just happened. “How’s Courtney?”“She’s, uh…okay, I guess. Listen, man, I need to talk to you…”“I was gonna tell you the same thing. Something weird has been going on. Like, I’ll be doing something at say, three o’clock, and suddenly it’s quarter after three and I have no idea where the time went. It’s like it just disappeared, you know?” Benji had the lost puppy look in his eyes, and Joel could see he was being totally honest. Now was as good a time as any to do this.“Do you know what happened about five minutes ago?” he asked, leaning on the door frame.“Yeah, I went down to your room ‘cuz Courtney was down there, because apparently we got in a fight or something last night…and I knocked on your door and no one answered so I came back here.” He seemed so sure of himself, so positive that that was what had occurred, that for a moment Joel considered just walking away. Then, he walked in the room and softly closed the door behind him.“That’s some of what happened. Man, I hate to tell you this, but…”“Hey, did you get in a fight or something last night? ‘Cuz you look like shit,” Benji said matter-of-factly, sitting on the bed. It was then that Joel told him everything that had just happened. Benji stared at him, wide-eyed, disbelieving. “No,” he whispered, “no. I love her. I couldn’t do that to her.”“But you did.”
June 2000
Courtney sat nervously in the doctor’s office waiting room, tapping her foot impatiently. Every test she had taken had said negative, but she hadn’t had her “friend” for a few months now. Sure, it could be stress or something else, but she wanted some answers. Benji and the rest of the guys had been extremely busy in the studio lately, and their first real album was almost finished. He hadn’t had much time for her. Which she begrudgingly had to admit she liked…a little bit.She stood up when Dr. Lilly entered the room. “Courtney, if you could come with me please?” He walked back toward his office, assuming she was following closely behind. She was. This was important. She followed him into his office, and sat down in one of the metal chairs. Looking at the wall, she saw posters of the digestive system, diagrams of the throat, and other such descriptive pictures. It made her a little nauseous. She decided then and there that in no way would she ever consider becoming a doctor. “I called you in here because I have some good news and some bad news.” Courtney’s heart jumped in her chest. “The bad news is this is probably going to cost you thousands of dollars, not just now, but over the years.” She swallowed; she was scared, ready to cry. “The good news is, you won’t really mind all that because you’re going to have a baby.” It was then she did begin to cry—tears of joy. If given the choice, she would not have chosen this time to become pregnant, but she was ecstatic that she was. She couldn’t wait until she could tell Benji.Later that day, she sat on a bench in a little park near the studio where they were recording their album. New York City was a great place. It was so much more exciting than Waldorf. Not that Waldorf was a bad town—just a dull one. Here, something was always happening. Except for right now. It was seven o’clock in the evening, and the band was supposed to have finished two hours ago. She looked up for what seemed to be the thousandth time and finally saw the five guys crossing the street. She leapt up and ran toward Benji. Once he recognized her, a huge smile spread across his face. He pulled her into a tight hug once she reached them. “Oh, my god, Benji, I have such great news!” she gasped, kissing his cheek.“I’m glad you’re so perky. It’s been the longest day of my life,” Benji sighed wearily. “Just when we think the song is sounding perfect, they’ll tell us we need to do another take because they ‘weren’t quite sure they got the sound they wanted.’ Ugh. Damn fickle recorders.” Courtney continued to grin like an idiot at him even though he was being a whiny little bitch. “So what’s the good news?”She jumped up and down, then met his eyes. “I went to the doctor today and he said that what I thought was true and I’m so excited! It’s so great!” He stared at her, as did the other members of Good Charlotte. She was being really hyper. “I’m pregnant!” she practically screamed, wrapping her arms around her boyfriend again. He stood in stunned silence for a moment, too shocked to think of anything to say. He was definitely not expecting this.“Wow. Wow, Courtney. That is great,” he said, pretending to be as excited as she. Joel could see right through this, but Courtney and Aaron and Paul and Billy seemed to be buying it.They went back to the hotel for the evening and as they walked up the main staircase in the lobby, Joel pulled Benji aside and asked him what was wrong. “Joel, I’m not ready to be a father. I’m twenty-one years old.”“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have slept with her so much.”“I thought she was on the pill.”“Obviously, it didn’t work. I hate to sound like a dick, but just suck it up and deal with it. It’s as much your fault as it is hers.” Joel headed off across the lobby; his room was on the next floor. And he really didn’t want to deal with Benji’s problems right now. He had enough of his own.
Benji stared after him as Joel walked up the elaborate staircase to the second floor. It vaguely reminded him of the one in “Titanic.” His head was throbbing. He had so many things to worry about already—and Courtney being pregnant seemed to be the last straw. He was ready to snap. Leaning against one of the posts at the bottom of the staircase, he started to bump his head on the wood, almost glad to feel the pain in his forehead. Anything to take his mind off what was happening. “Benj?” Courtney asked from the top of the stairs, looking down to him, a concerned frown upon her face. He sighed, then started up toward her. Even though he wasn’t so happy about their situation, he was happy to see her. Courtney could always brighten up his day. He loved her.He hated her. How could she drop this bomb on him? If the stupid whore were more careful, he wouldn’t be in the predicament. He got to the top of the stairs and stepped very close to her. She went to hug him, but he slapped her arms down. She looked at him, trying to meet his eyes, but he wouldn’t look directly at her. “Fuck, Courtney. I can’t take care of little bastard now, not when my career is finally starting to take off. I don’t need you or your kid bringing me down.” She inhaled sharply; she knew what was coming. He was going to hit her. His fisted right hand came up and connected squarely with her jaw, and she fell back a few steps, desperately trying not to cry out. If she did, he would just grow angrier with her and come after her even harder. She knew Joel was right down the hall, and that just one scream from her would result in his coming to her rescue, but she wasn’t sure if she should do it or not. While she was debating with herself, he hit her again, and she fell back again, and one of her legs hit one of the posts at the top of the rail. She was at the edge of the staircase. Now she knew she had to call for help. There was no one in the lobby to help her.Courtney screamed. “Joel! Billy! Paul! Aaron! Someone, please, help!” Benji immediately clamped a hand over her mouth.“Wrong move, bitch.” He kneed her in the stomach and as she was hunched over in pain, he pushed her toward the stairs. She lost her footing on the top step and tumbled down without making a sound. Benji heard the snapping of bones and looked down to see Courtney sprawled on the black marble floor, her face bloody. “Oh, my god,” he whispered, rushing down the stairs to be at her side. Joel was by then standing at the top of the stairs and once he saw her, he rushed down to be with Benji.“What the hell happened?” Joel yelled, looking up toward the desk. There was no one there. He ran over and dialed 911. Benji was panting in fear. Tears flowed freely down his face. Joel gave the address of the hotel, then ran back to his brother and Courtney. “Benji, what happened?”“Oh, god, I don’t know! She must’ve slipped or something! She’s pregnant, Joel!” He went to cradle her, but Joel pushed his arms away.“She might have broken something. Don’t touch her.” The ambulance arrived a few moments later and took her back to the hospital. A few x-rays revealed she had broken her left arm and bruised a few ribs; the obstetrician, Dr. Lilly, came out into the waiting room where the band was sitting on edge.“Benjamin Madden?” he asked. Benji stood up and walked over to him quickly. “I’m afraid I have bad news, sir. When Courtney fell, she had a miscarriage. She’s lost the baby.” Benji fell back against the wall; true, he didn’t really want the child, but he didn’t want for her to lose it. Joel walked over and hugged him, but Benji was numb. For some inexplicable reason, he couldn’t help but feel that this was his fault.
Present Day
All Benji really wanted right now was a nice tall glass of beer. But he couldn’t have it. He wouldn’t give in to his temptation and break his vow. He knew he had a drinking problem, and he was trying his best for both his health and his girlfriend to fix it. Looking up, he saw that Joel had left…probably went back to his room to comfort Courtney. If what he was saying was true, anyway. But Joel had never lied to him before. Benji got up and started pacing the room, running his hand over his scalp. He missed having hair to run his fingers through. Finally he walked out the door and down the hall to his brother’s room. Even through the closed door he could hear her crying and it broke his heart. He really did love her.Reaching down, he grabbed the door handle to open the door, but found it swung open on its own. Upon closer inspection, he saw that the latch had been broken and the door itself was cracked down the middle. Cautiously, he pushed the door all the way open and entered the room. Courtney was huddled in the chair once again, this time with a dark blue blanket wrapped around her. She was staring at the blank television screen, her eyes not focused on anything in particular. Joel was sitting on the bed, his head in his hands. He jumped when he noticed Benji had entered the room. “Benji, man, stay calm.”“Why wouldn’t I be calm? I just came in to ask Courtney how she’s doing,” he said quietly, crossing the room. He squatted down in front of her and tried to make eye contact with her. No such luck. “Baby…Courtney, please, look at me. I don’t know what I have to do to get you to forgive me. I don’t know how to begin apologizing. You know I love you. You know that. Whatever I’ve done to hurt you, I’m sorry. Joel told me what just happened. I don’t know how to say this, but…that wasn’t me. It wasn’t the Benji you know,” he whispered. Getting no response from her, he took a deep breath, but continued. “Joel thinks we should go see someone, somebody who can help me—help us—figure all this out. Please, look at me, baby. I’m so sorry.” Still nothing. “Courtney, please. I’m trying here. I really am. But I need you to help me too.” When she still did nothing, he got up and started pacing the room; felt his face grow warm, his eyes start to sting. He was growing very frustrated so he took a few deep breaths to calm himself down.“Maybe you should go,” Joel said quietly, never looking up.“No,” Courtney whispered, her voice barely audible. Benji looked over to her, not sure if he had heard her or not. “Don’t leave.” He came back to kneel down in front of her. “Benji…how can you say all that and be completely honest? You’ve said before that you loved me and that you’d never hurt me. Then look what happens.” Courtney sighed deeply, pulling the blanket up tighter. “How can I ever trust you again?”Benji could feel the hot tears falling down his cheeks. He wondered how she held back her tears now, when he couldn’t. It felt like his heart would explode. He was in pain just thinking about how he had hurt her. “I swear to God I will never hurt you again. If I do, I’ll kill myself.” He laid his head down on the arm rest and looked up at her. She laid one of her shaking hands on his cheek.“You promise you’re going to get some help?” she asked, finally looking at him.“Cross my heart, hope to die,” he smiled. His smile grew a bit wider when he saw just a twitch of a smile cross her face.
September 2000“Holy shit, we just released an album,” Benji exclaimed loudly, earning some angry glares from the other customers in the restaurant. “What?” he asked no one in particular. When no one answered him, he smiled smugly and went back to his hamburger. “Man, do I love Fuddrucker’s hamburgers,” he muttered, his mouth full of beef.“Have I taught you nothing?” Joel sighed, shaking his head. “Chew with your mouth closed, for Christ’s sake! There are females present!” It was true. There was more than one girl at the table. A month earlier Billy had met the nicest girl working at their favorite Salvation Army. Her name was Erica. She wasn’t as punk as Courtney, but the two got along very well. Erica and Billy were obviously ignoring everything that was said at the table, seeing as they were making out more than Benji and Courtney did.“You can’t change the way he is,” Courtney laughed, smiling at Joel. They held each other’s gaze for longer than was necessary before finally going back to their meals.“You guys, we need to start acting like rock stars. We need to eat at the expensive clubs and buy whatever we want and stop going to fast food joints all the time,” Paul said, slapping his hand on the table for emphasis.“We need money first. We need to sell albums first,” Aaron replied, dipping his fries in Benji’s ketchup. Benji gave him the evil eye before pulling his plate away. “What, are you the ketchup king now?” Erica laughed at this. She was a quiet person, as was Billy. They were the perfect couple.“Benji, could you move please? I need to go to the little girls’ room,” Courtney said, trying to squirm past him. She bumped him and he got the ketchup that was on his fry all over his nose. “Oops. Sorry, baby.” She kissed his cheek and finished climbing out of the booth.“Hold up, Court, I need to go too,” Joel called after her and she waited halfway across the room for him. As soon as they were out of the sight of others, Joel pushed her against the wall and started kissing her. She put her hands on his shoulders, her kiss as passionate as his. “God, I love you,” Joel breathed into her ear, moving down to kiss her neck. She tipped her head back against the wall as his lips moved down to her collarbone. After a few moments of silence he looked up into her eyes, smiling.“This isn’t right Joel,” she whispered. A shiver of excitement ran down her spine as he put his hands up her shirt. He looked at her again. “That doesn’t mean stop.” This time she initiated the kiss, reaching down to grab his hips. A few moments later, she pulled away breathlessly, her face flushed. “Go back now, or they’ll get suspicious. I really do need to go to the bathroom, though.” Joel smiled at her, kissed her quickly once more, then sauntered back to the dining area. Courtney reappeared a minute later and sat back down next to Benji. She gave him a quick peck on the cheek then went back to her hamburger. When they all finished, they went back to Paul’s house to spend the night.The band had all gone inside, but Courtney was still outside, rooting around the car floor, looking for an eyeliner pencil she had dropped. Erica stood outside in the cool night air, waiting for her, waiting for a chance to speak. Courtney was on her knees, muttering under her breath and Erica, being naturally quiet, patiently waited for her. “Yes!” Courtney shouted finally, holding up the pencil in triumph. She stood up, brushed her self off, and turned around, closing the door. She jumped a little when she saw Erica standing there in the dark. “Whoa, hey, Er. What’s up?”“I wanted to talk to you about something,” she said softly, gently clasping her hands in front of her. “Something I noticed at dinner tonight.” Courtney swallowed. She grew nervous. There had to be a reason the girl was so quiet. She was the observant type. And she had seen what was going on. “You and Joel…” she said, lowering her eyes.“Yeah, um, Joel and I…” Courtney started, not sure how to finish. After what seemed like eons of silence, it all came tumbling out of her. “Erica, you know I love Benji. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. But we’ve been having some problems lately. And Joel was right there and…”“I understand. I don’t think anyone else has noticed.” A pause. “I know that we really don’t know each other that well, but if you ever need anyone to talk to…”Courtney smiled. “Thanks. You’re a sweetie.” She gave Erica a hug before they walked into the house together.Benji did notice the little grin that she gave only to Joel, though.
Present DayBenji had taken Courtney back to their room, leaving Joel alone. After looking around the room with its taupe-colored walls and its abstract paintings, he realized he needed to get out of there. Otherwise, he’d go crazy. The room’s decorations were so serene, so calming, so unlike his personal feelings at the time. He grabbed his Made hoodie and ran out the hotel doors onto the windy street. The noise and bustle of New York helped to distract him, but it couldn’t make him forget everything. He crossed the street, then looked up at the floor their rooms were on. He couldn’t believe he’d just left her alone with him, but it was what they had wanted. Joel started walking. He couldn’t stop. It was as if the motion of his feet on the pavement was the only thing stopping him from screaming aloud. When he had held Courtney in his arms, it had felt so right. Benji was obviously hurting her but she just wouldn’t leave him…At least not for good.Two years ago, she had almost been his. Almost. But his twin had pulled her back. He had held her back. He was holding her back from being happy. All Joel wanted was for her to be happy. He was suddenly on a bridge, looking down on the murky Hudson River. He was suddenly angry. Joel wanted Courtney to be happy with him. He gripped the railing on the bridge tightly, biting his lip. This was insane. Nothing ever went right for him, ever. He had found his soul mate, the person he could love for the rest of his life, and he couldn’t have her. “If he hurts you just one more time, I’ll beat the shit out of him,” Joel whispered down at the river. “I love you, Courtney.” Once he realized what he was saying, he ran back to the hotel, ready to spill his heart to her.
He got back up to their floor and found the door to Benji’s room slightly ajar. After only a minor hesitation he opened the door and found the two lying on their bed, Benji’s arms around Courtney. She was sleeping, thank God—-she needed the rest. “Benji…” Joel started to say.“Joel, get the fuck out of my room. You’ve caused enough damage,” Benji hissed.“I’ve caused enough damage? Holy shit, Benji, you have no idea what you’ve done, do you? I know you love her, but I do too. And it hurts me to see her in pain. It physically hurts.”“I know. I know. It hurts me too. Joel…I know she cheated on me with you.” Joel gasped. He thought no one knew. “Erica told me. I had a suspicion though…The point is, just let me deal with it, okay? You heard me promise her I wouldn’t do anything bad again.”“But can you keep your promise?”
January 2001Good Charlotte was on the road again. The band was always on tour now, or so it seemed. The small bunks in the middle of the bus made it kind of hard for anything intimate to happen. Intimate things happened anyway. The entire band was kept awake many nights by the sounds of Billy and Erica or Benji and Courtney in their bunks, even though they were trying to be quiet. Aaron, Paul, and Joel learned to sleep with headphones on. The only real privacy available on the bus was in the tiny bathroom, but even then one wasn’t completely safe. The lock on the door didn’t latch right, and half the time the door would fly open if the bus hit a bump and everyone nearby would get a free show. That’s why Joel and Courtney only went in there very late at night when they were absolutely sure everyone else was sleeping.“You’re sure he’s not gonna wake up?” Joel panted, his hands against the wall.“You’ve known him longer than I have…The guy could sleep through a hurricane,” Courtney replied, suddenly biting her lip to hold back a scream. “God, Joel, you’re so much better than Benji.”“I’ve had a lot more experience. You were his first, you know,” Joel said, kissing her chest.“Mmm…He told you that? Wow, twins really do share everything don’t they?” A few moments later they were finished and climbed slowly and carefully back into their bunks; Joel by himself, Courtney with Benji. She climbed under the light sheet and put her head on the pillow, ready for sleep. Joel had exhausted her. Benji rolled over and put an arm around her, snuggling in close. He sighed softly in his sleep and Courtney felt a wave a pleasure wash through her as he exhaled gently on her neck. Twins were nice.“Christina…” Benji mumbled in his sleep, licking his lips.Christina? Courtney thought, alarmed. “Benji! Benji, wake up!” she hissed, gently shaking him. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking from the little light in the bunk. “Who’s Christina?”“What, Christina? Oh, Aguilera. Damn, she is fine,” he said before falling back asleep. Courtney only shook her head before curling back up under the blanket to sleep the rest of the night. While she slept she had a dream. In the dream she was onstage during a Good Charlotte concert rocking out when suddenly the band stopped playing, the audience grew silent, and everyone looked directly at her. She grew nervous. She felt her hands starting to shake. “Well?” Billy said, stepping towards her.“Well, what?” she answered, her eyes darting everywhere.“Who are you going to choose? ‘Cuz you have to choose one or the other,” Paul said. The stage grew dark except for two spotlights: one on Joel, one on Benji. “Choose,” Paul commanded again, fading into darkness. Courtney looked at each man once before turning around. She had trouble catching her breath. She felt a hand on her shoulder. When she turned around it was…Courtney sat up gasping, hitting her head on the top of the bunk. “Damn it!” she shouted in pain. She reached up and felt something wet on her forehead. Blood. “Damn,” she whispered again, unwrapping herself from Benji and climbing down to go into the bathroom. Turning on the light and looking in the mirror she saw a wide scrape across her forehead, with blood dripping down to her nose. Sighing, she put a wad of toilet paper up to the cut in an effort to stop the bleeding. She closed her eyes for a moment, cursing her horrible luck; when she opened them again, she saw another face in the mirror’s reflection and gasped in surprise.“Sshh,” Joel whispered wrapping his arms around her. “You okay?”“I guess so. I just had the weirdest dream and I sat up and…ow. I’m fine, really. Go back to sleep. Rest your voice for tomorrow.”“Okay.” He kissed her once then headed back for his bunk. She stared at her reflection for a few minutes. She realized that sooner of later, she would have to choose. She just didn’t know if she’d make the right decision.The next morning, everyone woke up at about the same time (ten o’clock) and slowly trickled into the front room of the bus, which was also the kitchen, to have breakfast. Everyone was out there besides Billy and when he staggered in, there was an explosion of laughter. Benji pointed, gasping for air. “What?” Billy asked, sitting down. Erica grew bright red, putting her head in her hands. “What?” Billy asked again, more insistently.“Dude…You…you have…” Joel started, but couldn’t finish. He was laughing too hard. Benji gestured at his own chin. Billy reached up and grasped onto a piece of cloth that was dangling from his lip ring. He carefully removed it, staring at it. It was a thong. Erica’s thong. She snatched it away from him, setting it down in her lap. No one could stop laughing for about ten minutes.“What were you two doing last night?” Benji joked, picking up his bowl to drink the rest of the milk from his cereal.“What do you think we were doing?” Billy answered. Benji splurged, spitting milk all over Courtney and Joel. More laughter. “Oops…Sorry, guys,” Benji giggled, handing Courtney a single napkin. She sighed, wiped off her face, and threw the napkin back at Benji.“I’m gonna go take a shower.”“Can I join you?” Benji smiled, getting up. Before she got a chance to answer he said, “Too late, already am.” He ran down the narrow hallway to the bathroom, stripping off his shirt as he did so. Courtney followed behind, waiting until she got to the bathroom to take off her clothes. A few moments later the entire bus was slightly swaying, not badly enough to upset anyone, but enough for everyone to notice.“Jesus, those two really need to get off this bus,” Paul said, biting into his toast. “Hey, why don’t we stay at a hotel tonight? We have tomorrow off and we don’t need to sleep on the bus.”“Good idea,” Erica said, winking at Billy. It was now his turn to blush.A few hours later they were at the place where they were supposed to perform. They weren’t quite sure exactly where they were, but they were fairly certain they were somewhere in California. After their sound check Aaron, Paul, Erica, and Billy headed off to get some food while Courtney and Joel sat down in the seats in the back of the auditorium to watch Benji frolic onstage. “Hello, Cali! How y’all feeling this afternoon?” he shouted into the microphone, earning some loud cheers from the only two in the audience. “Awesome. That’s great. This first song I’m gonna perform is called ‘I Made Sweet Love in the Shower This Morning.’ I hope you like it.” Courtney laughed, covering her mouth, as Benji picked up his guitar and started playing the same chord over and over again. “I turned on the water…I got naked…I got in the shower…She got naked…She got in the shower…If the bus is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin’…et cetera.” He finished with a one-string guitar solo before shouting, “Thank you! You’re all beautiful! Peace out!” Courtney walked up to the stage and kissed him when he jumped down. “Did you like my song?”“Loved it. It was genius. Raw talent being displayed there.” He gave her the widest grin he could before running up the aisle and out of the aud. “Have you ever considered putting him on Ritalin?” she asked Joel.“Nope. With our luck, that would probably just make him even weirder.” He grabbed her hand, then quickly released it. “We’ve got meet-and-greet pretty soon. See you later?” She nodded and he kissed her before slowly walking through the door. Who would she choose, if forced with the decision? Benji was her first love, a kindred soul with a bright spirit and childlike wonder; Joel was there for her when she was down, and didn’t hurt her. Courtney could feel a headache coming on.That night in the hotel the band stood in the lobby, blearily glancing at their watches. Erica and Courtney had been in the bathroom for more than ten minutes now. “What the hell is the holdup?” Aaron asked, impatiently tapping his foot. Finally the two came strolling out of the bathroom, giggling. They were all about to go to their respective rooms when their road manager Roger ran in and told them that due to a bridge collapse or something they’d have to ride the bus all night because they needed to take this long detour and…“Yeah, yeah, we get the point, Rog,” Joel sighed. “Come on guys, to the bus.” They all wearily trudged to the awaiting bus, disappointed they wouldn’t be in real beds tonight. Roger tried to apologize for the mishap, but Joel shut him up by saying, “Roger, it’s okay. It’s not your fault. Now go.” The manager did as he was told. Benji, Joel, and the others went to the bunks ready for sleep. Their show had been a wild one and they were exhausted. Courtney and Erica sat in the front room at the kitchen table, not yet tired.“So?” Erica asked, leaning on an elbow.“So what?” Courtney replied, brushing back her blue-streaked hair from her eyes.“Oh, come on, you know what I’m going to ask.”“I’m not a mind reader like you are, Erica. I don’t pick things up as well as you do. You want to ask me something, you’ll have to come right out and say it.”Erica paused a moment, then asked, “Who’s better?”The other woman thought for a moment, then answered, “I hate to admit it, but Joel. Definitely Joel. He’s just…God, I can’t explain it. He’s just so much more…wow. You know what I mean?” Erica nodded. “But every time I’m with him, it feels kind of wrong. Like I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I know I shouldn’t be doing it. I’m with Benji. I love Benji. What the hell am I supposed to do?” Courtney asked. She was so frustrated, so confused. “I’m going to bed now. See you in the morning.” She got up and left Erica sitting alone at the table. She climbed into the bunk with Benji, smiling when she heard him talking in his sleep. Something about sandwiches. She tossed and turned for almost an hour before getting up to go the kitchen to grab a drink. Erica was gone, probably in with Billy. Opening the fridge, she pulled out a pitcher of juice and sat at the table slowly sipping the drink, trying to keep her mind blank. A quiet noise, a little shuffle of feet on carpet caught her attention. Turning to look, she saw Joel walking slowly toward her, clad only in his dark blue boxers. “Hi,” she greeted him quietly, inviting him to sit down.“Hey,” he rasped, his throat sore from the show. “What’s the matter? Can’t sleep?” He sat down and cuddled right up next to her, laying his head on her shoulder.“No. Guess I have too much on my mind.” Courtney took a deep breath, then poured her heart out to the man next to her. “Joel, you know I love you. I know you love me. You’re one of the best things that has ever happened to me. But when I’m with you, I can’t help but thinking about Benji. I love him too. And when I’m with you, I’m cheating on him. I can’t keep doing this Joel.”Joel was silent for a moment. He had just been dealt quite a blow. He could have sworn that Courtney was leaving his brother for him. “I…understand,” he said finally, removing his head from her shoulder. “I hate to sound like the typical guy, but could we…do it one last time?” Courtney grinned at him.“Of course. I still love you. Just not the same way I love Benji.”Joel laughed a little. “Friends with benefits?”“Sure, why not.” She set down her juice and they walked quickly and quietly to the bathroom. “Oh, the good times we’ve had in here,” she giggled, closing the door behind her, making sure to lock it. Soon, both were removing each other’s underwear and Joel pushed Courtney up onto the tiny sink. She started nibbling on one his rather large ears while he reached up under her t-shirt. They started to really get into it and Joel finally pushed up into her and she gasped in surprise. They started slowly but quickly picked up speed. Courtney was moaning rather loudly when they heard someone on the other side of the door messing with the door handle. They slowed for a moment, a little scared, but continued when the noise stopped. Suddenly the door burst open. There stood Benji.
Present DayCourtney woke up about an hour later, alone. Looking over on the night stand, she saw Benji had left her a note. “Went out for food. I was starving to death.” She closed her eyes and imagined his face as he was writing this. For some reason she pictured Benji as a young child writing something with a big crayon, diligently concentrating, tongue sticking out one side of his closed mouth. “Joel and I are going to go look for a sychiatrist (how the hell do you spell that anyway?) afterward. I’ll call you. Love you muchly. Kid V.” She put the note down and lay back on the pillows. She turned the T.V. on and flipped to the baseball game. It was the eighth inning now and the Yankees were up four to one. “Benji’s not gonna like this. His Orioles are losing. Oh, well. Now I can mock him in his sucky team-liking,” she thought aloud. “Why do I talk to myself? Damn it, Courtney, quit it!” She wondered how she could be so perky after what had happened only a few hours ago. In the back of her mind she thought that she was staying with him because she liked to be mistreated. Maybe she liked being treated like a piece of shit. Maybe she was the one who needed mental help, and not Benji. The phone rang. She rolled over to the other side of the bed and picked up the receiver. “Hello?”“Hey baby, you’re awake. I called a little bit earlier but there was no answer,” Benji said, his voice sounding a little deeper on the phone. “Anyway, Joel had a great idea. I’m gonna go see a hypnotist later and we’ll see if that helps. We thought that maybe you’d like to come down with us.” He paused for a moment. “I was hoping you’d come down for me. I’m a little scared.”“Sure, just give me half an hour to get ready. Where are you?”“We’ll meet you at the Virgin Megastore. We’ll be in the Christina Aguilera section.”Courtney laughed. “What is it with you and Christina?” she asked, slowly climbing out of bed. She was sore all over.“I don’t know. The video for “Dirrty,” maybe. You know me.”“Unfortunately, I do. I’ll see you in a little bit. Love you.”“Love you too.”
February 2001It was Valentine’s Day again. One couldn’t tell by looking around the tour bus, though. Billy and Erica had been out of sight of everyone for about a week now, and Benji and Courtney seemed very distant from one another. They were always together but they were never talking. The other members of the band could all but see the tension between the two. They weren’t saying anything, though. “Benji, do you know what today is?” Courtney asked, finally breaking the silence.“Yeah.”“I, uh…I got you a little present. I hope you like it.” Courtney grabbed a large box from within a cupboard and handed it to Benji. He slowly opened it, surprised when he saw what was inside.“A puppy?” he asked, slowly picking up the sleeping dog.Courtney grinned, glad to see he was happy with his gift. “I know we’re a little tight with money right now, but when I saw that little guy all I could think of was how cute you two would look together.”“How much was he?” Benji asked, cuddling the small bundle of fur to his chest.“Three hundred dollars,” Courtney said quietly. Benji glared at her. “Joel helped me pay for it.” She immediately regretted saying this. She could see Benji’s expression change drastically when she mentioned his brother. “So what are you going to name him?”“…Well, considering how much he cost, I think I’ll call him Cashdogg. It is a him, right?” She nodded. “Cashdogg it is.” The puppy whimpered once and Benji giggled like a little schoolgirl. “He’s so cute. Thank you, sweetie. He’s a great present. To tell the truth, I forgot what today was until just now, so I don’t have a present for you.”“That’s okay. Benji is all the Valentine I need,” she replied, snuggling up to him, resting her head on his shoulder. She saw Joel staring at her. She closed her eyes and chose to ignore him. Today was she and Benji’s day, and she wouldn’t let Joel complicate it for her. Benji played with the puppy for a bit longer before setting him back down in his box.“You know, this bus is filling up pretty fast. When they gave it to us they assumed it would just be for the five of us. Then we have you and Erica riding with us, plus little Cashdogg now. Joel, Paul, Aaron—let us know if you plan on bringing anyone on, okay?” Benji joked, playing with Courtney’s hair. “I thought of a present I could give you,” he whispered into her ear. A tingle ran down her spine.“Ooh, what is it?” she asked, looking up into his chocolate-brown eyes.“I’ll show you tonight,” he replied. This gained him some catcalls from across the room.“Hey, try not to shake the bus too much, okay?” Paul joked. “Some of us need to sleep.”“Shut up.” Benji looked down at the head on his shoulder. He tried to imagine what she was thinking. He didn’t think she knew that he had caught her with Joel. He didn’t think anyone else in the band knew either. Benji could see that she and Joel weren’t as close anymore. They were barely speaking to one another. All his anger was directed at Courtney, though; it never occurred to him that Joel was as responsible for this whole fiasco as she was. He still loved Courtney, but he wasn’t sure what he was going to do with her. They had promised each other that they would stay true to each other, and never think of being with anyone else. And here she was two and a half years into their relationship screwing his twin brother. He’d get back at her. He just didn’t know how…yet. Definitely not tonight. Tonight was supposed to a nice, gentle, loving night.When everyone went to their bunks around eleven o’clock Benji kicked Billy and Erica out of the back room. “It’s our turn, now. Get,” he said, motioning to the door.“Fair enough,” Billy said, gathering up his shirt. As Erica was squeezing past Benji and Courtney in the door she looked at Courtney. Courtney smiled at the other woman. It was a smile that said, “Everything is going to be all right.” Erica returned the smile before climbing slowly into her bunk. She closed the door behind her and looked at Benji lying on the couch. She didn’t know what had possessed her to ever think of leaving this man. He was so adorable, so sweet, so funny… She climbed up on the couch and straddled Benji and just stared into his eyes. They were such a perfect shade of brown. She leaned down and started to kiss his cheeks, his ears, his lips. He seemed lost in the moment until she lowered herself to his neck.“Uh-uh, baby, tonight’s your night,” he said, sitting up. He wiggled his eyebrows, making her laugh. “I’m gonna kiss every inch of your body.”“That might be a little difficult. I have a big ass.”“Ew. Who said I was gonna kiss your ass?”“You just did. ‘I’m gonna kiss every inch of your body.’”Benji sighed. “Okay, I’m gonna kiss a lot of your sexy body.” He pulled her shirt up over her head and pushed her back on the dark blue upholstery. Starting at her forehead, he kissed much of her. By the time he’d made it to her chest, she was writhing in pleasure. Who thought something as simple as lips on skin could cause so much joy? When he got down below her belly button she had to grip the edge of the couch. It was painful to be this blissful.“Joel…” she moaned quietly, turning her head to one side.“What?” Benji asked, stopping. She didn’t just say what he thought she said did she?“What?” Courtney repeated his question, not realizing what she had said.“No I didn’t.”“Yeah, you did.” Benji sat up and tossed her shirt to her. “Courtney, why…why would you say that?”“I didn’t say anything,” Courtney defended herself. She pulled her shirt over her head. “Benji…You know I love you.”He sighed. She was obviously lying. “Bitch. What the hell? Do you think that I’m deaf? You fucking said ‘Joel.’ I’m not Joel, in case you didn’t notice.” He could feel the rage welling up inside him. “Have you been screwing me over by screwing him?”“Benji, what is wrong with you? Why would you accuse me of…”“Because I fucking saw you with him, okay? I know for a fact you’ve been cheating on me. You dirty whore,” he seethed. He stood up, and Courtney cowered on the couch, putting her arms up over her face. “You think I’m gonna hit you? No pain I could bring you could equal the pain I’m feeling right now. Instead I’m gonna make you do something for me.”“What?” she whimpered from behind her hands. He roughly pulled her hands down.“You’re going to do whatever I tell you to do all night long. Anything and everything. If you don’t do what I say, then I’ll have to hit you. We clear?” She nodded. “Good. Now take your pants off.”The next morning, Courtney woke up extremely sore. Everything hurt. She was cold. She pulled on her shirt slowly, inhaling sharply when a bolt of pain shot up from her rib cage. Things ached even more in lower spots. She saw Benji curled up on the other end of the couch sleeping peacefully. His mouth was slightly agape, and a soft snoring could be heard. For a moment, Courtney was tempted to just slap him while he was totally defenseless, like he enjoyed doing to her. When she realized she didn’t have the energy to even stand up, the other plan left her mind. She sat on the couch for a while trying to ignore the pain. It wasn’t working. It kept throbbing with every heartbeat. After a while Benji stirred and slowly opened his eyes. When they focused on her, he smiled. “How did you enjoy your present, baby?”Courtney burst into tears.
Present DayTimes Square was extremely loud. When wasn’t it loud? Courtney entered the Virgin Megastore where the general noise was a bit quieter, but there was music blaring everywhere. Walking over to the pop music section, she saw Benji and Joel looking at the life-size cardboard stand-up of Christina Aguilera. Both had their arms crossed across their chests, and both had an appreciative gleam in their eyes. “Oh, now, come on! You know she’s a dirty whore! Just look at her!”“We are,” Joel answered, licking his lips.“You two are impossible.”“We are,” Benji said, squinting his eyes a little.Courtney sighed, then grabbed their arms. “Come on, we’ve gotta leave soon, get back on the road, you know the routine.” After one final glance, the twins allowed Courtney to drag them out of the store. Once outside, she hailed a taxi and asked where they were going.“Uh, 58th and Lincoln,” Joel told the driver, who promptly pulled into traffic without looking, scaring the hell out of all three passengers. “Be careful!” Joel shouted, looking around for something to grab hold of.“Nope,” the cabdriver replied, taking a very sharp right turn onto Lincoln. All three people in the back seat inhaled sharply; Courtney shut her eyes. This man was insane. She opened her left eye a tiny bit. Benji was smiling. He was enjoying this. Benji was insane. Another harsh swerve. Courtney’s fingers were clawing into Benji’s leg. The streets were zooming by. “Was that light red? I think it was…” the driver thought aloud.“We are going to die. Benji, if I never see you again, I want you to know I’ll love you forever. Joel, you’ve been like a brother to me,” Courtney choked out, seriously fearing for her life. That last car had come awfully close to t-boning them. “If you two make it through, make sure you tell my dad I’ll miss him. Give Cashdogg a hug for me. Donate all my things to the Salvo.”“Courtney, calm yourself. We’re here,” Benji said, carefully removing her hand from his leg.“We are? Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you God, thank you Buddha, thank you all…”Joel sighed, then paid the driver. “Thanks, and later, man.” The driver accepted the money, and once they had all shakily climbed out of the car he pulled back into traffic, ready to terrorize another customer. They looked up at the tall brownstone building. “Well, here we go…” They walked up the steps and entered into a large lobby, one full of potted plants, marble floors, and random tables and chairs, a lobby that looked like every other lobby in America. Benji and Joel walked up to the desk while Courtney followed behind. This wasn’t identical to all the other lobbies. It was too quiet. There was nobody here. The phones weren’t constantly ringing. As a matter of fact, she didn’t hear any phones ringing. “Hi, I’m Joel Madden, this is my brother Ben, and he had an appointment for three o’clock.”“Ah, yes, Ben Madden. You’ll be going in with Dr. Clark. She’ll be down in just a moment to meet you.” The secretary was staring at them a little warily. Courtney had to admit they were a little intimidating, all dressed in black, she and Benji with their dark eye makeup. “Please fill out these forms and return them to the desk before you go.” Benji grabbed the clipboard he was handed and headed off across the lobby. Courtney and Joel followed. For some reason, Benji chose to sit in the chair closest to the door. The silence was eerie.“Okay, is it just me, or does it sound like somebody just died?” Courtney whispered, flopping down in a chair opposite Benji.He glared at her. “I’m nervous enough as it is. I don’t need thoughts of people dying running through my head, thanks.” Benji went back to concentrating on the papers before him. “Why the hell do they need to know my dad’s name?”“Just leave it blank,” Joel said quietly. “I always do.” An uncomfortable silence followed this comment while Benji finished scribbling the necessary medical information then brought the clipboard back to the desk. He motioned for Joel and Courtney to come over to him, so they did. A woman walked around the corner who they assumed to be the one Benji would be seeing. “Dr. Clark?” Joel asked tentatively.“I am. Nice to meet you,” she said, extending her hand. All three introduced themselves, shaking her hand. She seemed to be a very likable person. “I expect you’ll all want to come…Follow me, please.” She led them down several dimly lit corridors. The silence thickened. She opened one of a dozen identical doors. “Right in here.”Thankfully, the office was a bit more inviting than the rest of the building. There were pictures of a family on her desk, tropical landscapes painted on the walls, and the window letting in the late afternoon sun. “I’m a little nervous. I mean, I’ve never been hypnotized before.”“Oh, we’re not going to do it today. We have to do a bit of psychoanalysis first, get to know you,” the doctor explained. “Have a seat.”They took their seats. “Um, is there any way we could do it today? Because we’re on tour and we have to be on the bus by seven o’clock and we won’t be back in New York for at least a couple weeks,” Joel asked, leaning forward in his seat.Dr. Clark pondered this. “I suppose we could do it today…but there is no guarantee that it will work on Ben here…”“Please, call me Benji.”
