Merry Fucking Christmas
Benji sat on the tour bus staring out the window. The sun was setting and the snow was beginning to fall. The orange of the sun reflected off the white of the snowflakes. It was beautiful. It would have been beautiful if Benji took notice of it. He was too wrapped up in his own thoughts.Never before had this time of season seemed so depressing. It used to be fun. The lights, the laughter, the love. But the love seemed to be absent this year. He felt like the band was growing apart; like his own brother was ignoring him. That’s what was hurting him the most. Joel. Joel was too busy with Paul to even notice that Benji just wasn’t the same.Benji blinked a few times, ashamed to feel the tears running down his cheeks. He always tried to remain neutral in his emotions. He’d seen too many ups and downs as a teenager to let his feelings get the better of him. Deep down, though, he was jealous. Jealous of Paul, because Joel was giving him all the attention Benji was craving. He truly loved his twin, but sometimes the things he did made Benji extremely angry.It was December 23rd, and Benji was lonely.
Benji didn’t bother to go back to his bunk to go to sleep. He knew that they would be back there, together. Joel would be without him. He would be without Joel. The loneliness and frustration were tearing his soul apart. He sat in the same position, staring out the window, until Billy stumbled out in his boxers and a t-shirt. Benji turned to his friend. “Billy, do the holidays ever make you feel really…” Suddenly, he felt stupid. Why should Billy feel the same way he did?“Depressed?” Billy finished, sitting down in a seat opposite Benji. “Hell yes. The snow just makes you feel so alone in the world. Maybe the whiteness, the blankness of it. I know how you feel.”“At least you know,” Benji mumbled. “Because…” He stopped, embarrassed.“Because Joel doesn’t?” Benji nodded. Billy was just too damn observant. “It’s okay. Eventually he’ll realize he’s being a dick by ignoring you.” They both sighed and then sat in silence for a few very long minutes. “Come on, go to bed. It’s really late,” Billy said finally, standing up.“I don’t care.”“Okay. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow morning then,” Billy said, stumbling back to his bunk. Benji angrily wiped away another tear. Billy didn’t really care either. No one did. Eventually Benji got tired of staring out at the blackness of the December night and fell asleep. When he awoke the next morning he was surprised to find the entire bus had been decked out in Christmas decorations. Including lights. He smiled a little as he rubbed his eyes. The lights were his favorite.“Good morning sleepy head,” Joel grinned from across the table. He, Paul, and Billy were all eating breakfast. “Like the lights?”“You know I do,” Benji yawned, stretching. He couldn’t help but glare as Paul planted a soft kiss on his brother’s cheek. “Whose idea was this?”“Billy’s,” Joel answered, biting into his strawberry jam-covered toast. “He said you weren’t really in the Christmas spirit so we stopped at this Wal-Mart in…where was it?” Joel asked with his mouth full.“Uh, Herkimer,” Paul answered, biting into his bagel. “What a hick town that place was.”Benji glared at Billy. Why did he tell Joel? And more importantly, how much did he tell Joel? Whatever. It didn’t matter. “Well, thanks guys. It looks great.”The tour was over. They’d survived it and were on their way home for the holidays. They were currently in Upstate New York but would be home in Maryland in a few hours. Hopefully they’d be able to spend Christmas Eve with their families. Benji was looking forward to that. He hadn’t seen his mother in over a year. He and Joel kept in touch with her by phone, by mail, and online, but nothing could replace the feeling of wrapping his arms around her. Hugs were good. There was too little hugging on tour. Except for rabid fans. That wasn’t the same, though. That was far from what Benji wanted.By one o’clock they were in New Jersey. By one o’clock Benji was very annoyed and frustrated. Joel and Paul had been cuddling on the couch all day. Right in front of him. Benji had to try and hold back his tears. The rage was building. He stood up to go to the bathroom when the bus hit a slippery spot in the road. It swerved and Benji fell, landing on top of his brother. They held each other’s gaze for a moment before Benji climbed up off him. Joel inhaled sharply. He’d seen something frightening in his brother’s eyes. Paul leaned in to kiss him, but Joel stopped him. He was too distracted and too concerned to really feel Paul.“What’s up with Benji?” he asked, running his hand through his tousled hair.Paul shrugged. “Beats me. He’s been acting a little weird for a few weeks now. You know, like distant and stuff.” He ran a finger up and down Joel’s leg. “So what do you want for Christmas?” he asked, grinning.Joel didn’t answer him aloud. He just wanted Benji to stop ignoring him.Benji wanted Joel to stop ignoring him. As he sat on the closed lid of the toilet quietly sobbing, a thought came into his mind. He knew how to fix all of this. He knew what had to be done to get his brother back. Tonight would be the perfect night to do it. It would be the best Christmas present ever.By six o’clock they were in Waldorf. Benji audibly growled when Paul got off the bus at their mother’s house. At least Billy had the decency to go to his own family. On the other hand, having Paul right here made his task that much easier. Surprisingly, the snow had not stopped. They were going to have a white Christmas. Benji smiled evilly.Christmas would be a little red this year too.
After a joyful, tearful reunion with their mother, Benji, Joel, their brother and sister, and Paul sat down for dinner. “I hope you guys like lasagna,” their mother said, placing the hot pan on the table. The twins looked at each other. They were both vegetarians but they didn’t want to hurt their mother’s feelings. “Relax, boys. It’s all cheese,” she laughed, serving up the meal.“Are we going to church tomorrow morning?” Joel asked, hungrily digging into his plate.“Joel!” the rest of the Madden family yelled, causing Joel to drop his fork.“Aah! What?” he asked, a little scared.“Dude, we have to say grace!” Benji chided him, slapping him in the back of the head. Their mother gave him a reproving glance but smiled sweetly at him afterwards. “Hey Mom, why don’t we have Paul say grace?” Benji suggested, smiling as he looked at his bandmate at the end of the table.“Uh…” Paul managed. He knew Joel’s family was really religious and he didn’t want to mess this up.Patricia laughed a little bit. “It’s all right, Paul. I’ll do it.” So they bowed their heads, gave thanks for the meal, said amen, then began to eat. Benji, Joel, and Paul were already on their third helpings while the rest of the family was still on their firsts. “Boys, slow down! There’s still plenty to go around.”“Sorry, Mom, but we usually don’t get good food like this on tour,” Benji apologized, reaching for another slice of garlic bread. When they were finished eating they all went into the living room to talk and catch up on things. Benji seemed unusually upbeat and although Joel found this a little odd, he figured it was because he was happy to be with his family and be home and it was a good thing to see him happy.When eleven o’clock rolled around Benji suggested that Paul go home to see his family. He agreed and Joel was getting up to go to the car when Benji pushed him back down into his chair. “Nuh-uh, J-Dawg. You’ve been drinking. I’ll take him.” The two hugged each other goodbye while Benji bit his lip. He wouldn’t have to deal with this much longer. “Be back in a little bit,” he said to his family.As soon as they were outside, Benji punched the drunken Paul, making him fall down into the snow on the front yard. “What the fuck?” Paul shouted, struggling to stand. Benji jumped over to him and punched him again. Earlier that day something in him had snapped. If he couldn’t have Joel, no one could. Especially not the bass player.“Shut up,” Benji commanded, staddling him. “You’ve got two options right now—leave Joel alone or deal with me.”“Fuck you. I love Joel,” Paul yelled. The idea of calling for help briefly crossed his mind but before he could act on it Benji punched him again. Paul could taste blood in his mouth.“Fine. If that’s the way you want it, that’s the way it’ll be.” Benji pulled out the knife they’d used to slice the bread. It still had crumbs on it. He grabbed one of Paul’s hands, held it up, and slit the wrist. Blood gushed out. The red looked beautiful on the white snow. It would have been beautiful if Benji wasn’t killing one of his best friends. Paul gasped in pain. Before he had time to react Benji had grabbed his other wrist and done the same thing. This time he paused to admire his work. “Look how bright and cheery the red looks,” he mused. “Look at it!” he screamed, punching him again. Paul turned his head to see the astoundingly large circle of blood beginning to surround him.“Why?” he managed to gasp.“Why? Because Joel is mine. He’ll always be mine. You knew that and decided to challenge me anyway. See what happens when you hurt me?” he sobbed. “You get hurt.” He placed the edge of the blade against Paul’s throat. His tears felt hot on his face. The hot blood was steaming in the cold air. “Goodbye, Paul,” he whispered, pushing down on the blade. Paul’s eyes met his for a moment before closing. They didn’t open again.His blood was everywhere. Benji stood up and surveyed the damage. Suddenly the shock of what he had done came over him. He started shaking. He threw the knife into the bushes at the edge of the yard. He climbed into the car and drove to Billy’s house. Pounding on the door he prayed the Martin family wouldn’t mind. Billy answered the door. “Oh, hey Benji, what’s up?” Only then did he see that Benji was covered in blood. “Oh, my god, are you okay?” Benji grabbed him by the arm and pulled him out to the car.“I did it. Oh, my god, I did it. Billy, I’m so stupid!” Benji yelled, climbing into the driver’s seat and hitting his head on the steering wheel.“Benji, calm down! What happened?” Billy asked, still shocked by the sight of so much blood.“…Paul,” Benji groaned. It all clicked in Billy’s head. “I have to go home now. I told them I was dropping him off. Billy, you have to keep this a secret. Understand?” Billy nodded. This was too much.On the short ride home Benji’s brain was racing. He had just murdered someone. “I can cover this up,” he thought aloud. “I can make it look like he killed himself. Oh, god, he’s dead. Shit! Yeah, I can make that work.” He pulled into the driveway then burst into the house. “Joel! Oh, my god! Joel, hurry!” He heard a shuffle of feet and Joel came up to him.“What?” he asked, not fully awake.“It’s Paul, he…” Benji couldn’t finish his sentence. Joel’s eyes widened and he ran outside. Paul was lying in the yard, blood was everywhere. Including Benji. “I tried to stop him, but he just…god damn it!” Benji choked out. He was busy thinking up a reason Paul would do this. Joel was on his knees beside Paul, his fingers brushing his shaggy blonde hair out of his face. Silent tears streamed down his face. By then the rest of the Madden family was at the door.“Why?” Joel whispered. Benji’s mind flashed back to only a few moments ago, when Paul has asked him the same question.“He…he didn’t say. He just said he couldn’t take it anymore,” Benji lied, the tears running down his cheeks as well.Patricia ran out of the house. “I called the ambulance,” she gasped.“It’s too late,” Joel sighed, standing up. They all stood in the gently falling snow until the paramedics arrived. They placed Paul’s body on a stretcher, put a white sheet over him, and put him in the ambulance. Slowly they all walked back into the house and sat down at the kitchen table. The twins were crying, the others were too shocked to do anything. “He seemed so happy at dinner,” Joel said, his eyes never leaving the table top.A few minutes later they could hear the church bells ringing. It was midnight. It was Christmas.“Merry fucking Christmas,” Joel whispered, getting up and going to his bedroom.
No one slept that night. Benji and Joel’s brother and sister drove to their homes later on, careful not to look at the red spot in the yard. It was muddy now too, because of the paramedics. The hospital had called Paul’s family and they had called Joel’s. They would all be going to church later on that morning together. To pray for Paul. Benji was genuinely saddened and ashamed, but also a tiny bit happy. Paul was gone. Joel was his once more. Except now he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be the same Joel again.The coroner called the house at about one o’clock that morning. He wanted to talk to Benji. “You were with him when he killed himself?” he asked. Benji was a little upset with the man’s bluntness, but managed to answer.“Yes.”“Could you tell me exactly what happened?”“We were talking…”“About what?” the coroner interrupted.“You know, band stuff. The tour. About how happy we were to be home. Then he said he really wasn’t that happy. He said he couldn’t take it anymore. He pulled out the knife,” Benji said, his breath becoming shallow and rapid. “I tried to take it from him but he pushed me away and cut his wrists. Then he told me goodbye and cut his neck.” His lie was almost starting to sound like the truth.“All right,” the man on the other end said, sounding a little distracted. Probably writing this down. “It says here they never found this knife at the scene. Do you know where it could have gone?”Benji gasped. His heart skipped a beat. He’d forgotten about the knife. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s in the snow somewhere.”“Well, we’ll have an investigator come over tomorrow to look for it…”“No, not tomorrow. It’s Christmas. At least wait until the day after.”“Okay, good idea. Well, thank you for your help Mr. Madden.” He hung up the phone. He had to find that knife. His fingerprints were all over it. But so were everyone else’s. How could he search for it without looking suspicious though? He wasn’t even sure where he’d thrown it.In church later that morning the Thomas, Martin, and Madden families made up a very sorrowful front pew. Benji kept thinking he was seeing Paul everywhere, but he knew that just couldn’t be possible. He’d killed him. Billy kept looking at him with red-rimmed eyes. His guilt was driving him insane.They were all so caught up in their grief no one could say anything to console anyone else. Benji totally forgot about the knife until much later that night. It was snowing again, this time very heavily. He crawled along on his hands and knees in the bushes with a flashlight, desperately looking for the evidence. He had traveled the entire length of the hedge twice before he felt a sharp pain in his hand. He’d found the knife. He’d just jabbed himself with it. Quickly rubbing his blood off the blade he got up and placed it under the snow next to where Paul had killed…where Benji had killed him.Going back into the house, he called Billy’s cell phone number. “Billy, listen, I want to thank you for keeping this a secret.”“Benji, I don’t know how much longer I can keep it a secret. We were over at Paul’s house today and his parents were really, really upset. This is big, Benji,” Billy said quietly, his voice quavering.“Damn it, Billy! I thought I could trust you! Get your ass over here so we can talk.” Billy agreed and a few moments later was driving through the blinding snowstorm. As he was coming down the hill to Benji’s house he lost control of the steering on an icy patch in the road, slid right past the house, and into an intersection. Then into a tractor trailer.
This was all Benji’s fault and he knew it. He had killed Paul with his own hands and may have inadvertently killed Billy; if he had just let everything be the way it was, if he hadn’t been so desperate for Joel’s attention, if he hadn’t been so selfish and hot tempered, none of this would have happened. Billy was currently in a hospital in a coma somewhere in D.C. Somehow the media had discovered all this and were making a big, unnecessary fuss about it. Stupid MTV brought it up at ten to the hour, every hour. “No comment” soon became Benji and Joel’s favorite words. At least poor Billy couldn’t talk, or they’d be hounding him as well.Paul’s funeral was held on December 28. It had been open-casket calling hours and Benji had gone and simply stared at him for four hours. He looked so peaceful lying there on the white cushion. Even in death he looked beautiful. Joel waited until everyone else had gone before placing one last kiss on his lover’s lips.Every time Benji closed his eyes he saw Paul lying helpless in the snow, bleeding to death. Forget Billy. He didn’t know how much longer he could hold this in. The guilt was eating away at him.It was New Years’ Eve and Benji was sitting home with Joel. Their mother was out visiting their brother Josh. Dead silence. “Joel…” Benji started. “I…” he tried again.“What Benj?” he asked, his voice scratchy. He hadn’t talked much in the past week.“There’s something I have to tell you.” Benji stopped, not sure if he should continue. How would Joel react?“What Benj?” he repeated.“It’s about Paul.” Joel swallowed. He didn’t want to think about Paul. Benji didn’t say anything for several minutes. “Paul…” he breathed. He was having trouble saying his name. “He didn’t kill himself, Joel.” Joel finally looked up for the floor. He met his brother’s eyes. Benji was crying. “He didn’t kill himself. I killed him.”“Bull shit,” Joel whispered.“No, really. I’m really regretting it right now,” Benji sobbed. “I don’t know what came over me.”“Benji, don’t blame yourself. Paul obviously had some issues, but there’s nothing we can do now.” Joel said, his voice monotonous.“Fuck, Joel!” Benji shouted, jumping up. “I’m the one who did it! I’m the one who used the knife, not him! I’m the one that made that giant red spot in the front yard! I’m the one who put Billy in a coma he’s probably never going to wake up from!” He fell to the floor and put his head in his hands. “It was all me.”“Shut up, Benji, you’re such a liar,” Joel whispered, wanting to believe that his brother was lying. “If you did it, why’d you do it?”“Because I love you,” Benji sniffled. “Because I’m so in love with you. Because you’ve always been mine. Because Paul took you away from me. Because I needed you and you weren’t there for me. Because I was jealous and stupid. What other reason do you need?”“You love me?”“Of course I love you. I’ll love you forever. You were mine until Paul came along.”“Benji, that is really disturbing. You fucking killed the man I loved because you have some sort of demented crush on me?” Joel screamed. Benji nodded. “What the fuck?! I’m calling the police.”“Go ahead. I deserve to be punished.” Joel reached for the phone, then stopped.“Benji, if I knew you felt that strongly, I would’ve asked you first. You should’ve said something.”“Hey, like you said, it’s too late now.” He got up and walked to the kitchen. Joel heard a drawer open and close. It took a moment for him to realize what was occurring.“No!” Joel shouted, running to the kitchen. It was too late, though. The knife was on the floor. The blood was on the counter, on the floor, on Benji. Tears were freely flowing down his face.“I loved you, Joel. I really did. But then we fucked it all up. You loved Paul, I killed Paul. See? I’m paying for what I did.” Joel hurriedly dialed 911. “It’s too fucking late! I told you that!” Benji picked up the slippery knife and slashed again. “I deserve to die. Just say you love me before I go. Please, Joel.” Benji collapsed against the cupboards. “Please.”“I love you, you know I love you,” Joel cried. The other end of the line picked up. “Get an ambulance to 917 Michael Road, now! My brother is bleeding to death!” He turned the phone off and threw it across the room. He grabbed some towels and tried to hold them to Benji’s wrists to stop the bleeding. They didn’t do much except turn warm and red. “Where the hell is the ambulance?”Benji was turning pale. “I was so lonely, Joel. You were right there and I was still so lonely. Say it again.”Tears were brimming over in Joel’s eyes. “I really love you, Benji. Please don’t die.” He placed a soft kiss on his brother’s lips. They were cold and trembling. “Please don’t die,” he prayed. The door burst open. “We’re in here, hurry!” he shouted, never taking his eyes off Benji. They came in and took Benji in the ambulance to the nearby hospital; Joel rode with him. He never let go of his brother’s hand. Even when that hand grasped its tightest, then lost all tension. Even when the machines all flat lined. He didn’t even let go when they pulled the white sheet up over him.Outside, the snow began to fall again. Joel looked out at it and realized how lonely he was.
Merry fucking feedback.
