QUINCY - Ruby Gill learned last Tuesday afternoon that grandson Paul Gill, a firefighter in New York City, was among the missing.

"It does something to you, and I am not like I was before, but we gain strength each day, because life does go on," she said last night.

As the rescuers continue to dig through the rubble, Gill said, "we keep up hope that they will hear that little tap, and it will be my Paul. I still hope to hear that knock on the door. Even though in my heart, it's a different story, and you feel that you do know ..."

Gill, who recently moved from Weymouth to Quincy, has five children, six grandchildren and three great-grandchildren. Her son John, Paul's father, lives in Queens. Paul is married and has two small children.

"At first, when I saw on TV what happened and heard Paul was missing, I was terrified and it was like a dream," she said. "I wouldn't go out for two or three days. I didn't want to go out, just wanted to be here alone, waiting for the phone call saying he is all right. Then you realize this is real, and you have to pull out of it."

Family members and friends came by each day and urged her to get out. Yesterday, Gill went for a walk with friends at Webb Park in North Weymouth. It was a beautiful afternoon, she said, and she found strength in talking to her friends and to a priest she knew.

"So long as my friends are talking," she can be distracted from her grief and worry "and even tell a little joke or have a laugh," she said.

Msgr. Peter T. Martocchio, retired pastor at the Immaculate Conception Church in Weymouth, also happened to be walking at the park yesterday afternoon.

"He said a prayer and was so wonderful," Gill said. "You know you have to deal with what is dealt to you in life, but this is different."

Gill has been staying up until 1 or 2 a.m. each night.

"As soon as I walk in the door, the TV goes on," she said.

She was depressed at first, but now says, "I can't let myself be. There are so many others involved. We are hoping and praying for all the firefighters, not just my Paul."

- Sue Scheible