January 21st, 2000 Politically Incorrect Transcript
Guests on this program were:
Joan Rivers
Molly Culver
Joey McIntyre
Stefan Feller
Bill's Opening
Bill: Hi, I'm television's Bill Maher.
Joey: And I'm recording artist Joey McIntyre.
Are you like Bill and me, sick and tired of the music's industry's obsession
with young people?
Bill: Of course we're talking about the boy bands.
The biggest sensation among pre-teen girls since horseback riding.
[ Laughter ]
Joey: Yes.
Well, somebody's finally realized there's a whole other market out there.
Bill: That's right, dude.
[ Laughter ]
And we've put together an entire collection of hits from the latest freshest
music genre, the middle aged man's bands.
Joey: Yeah, that's right.
So pull your pajama bottoms up to your nipples, pour yourself a frosty glass
of maalox, kick back in your recliner and enjoy fantastic hits like -- "Back
That Gas Up" by Incontinent.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: "You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling Along With Your Keys and Slippers" by
Frankie Goes To Florida.
Joey: "Me So Ornery" by Busta Hip.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: "Depends" by Sir Pees A Lot.
[ Laughter ]
Joey: "I Swear This Has Never Happened Before" by Limp Penis.
[ Laughter ]
That's a good one.
That's a great one.
Bill: "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For, But I Haven't Checked
Behind The Couch Cushions" by Old Dusty Bastard.
[ Laughter ]
Joey: "Smells Like Vicks Vapo Rub" by the Red Hot Vviagra Poppers.
Bill: "My Sciatica" by The Back Pain Boys.
Joey: And "Who Are You?
No, Really, Who Are You?" By 98 Degrees, But It's A Dry Heat.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: And many, many more.
Joey: Yeah, so they're all right here on "Crank It Down, The Middle-aged Man
Bands."
Bill: What a great album!
Joey: I think you mean CD.
[ Laughter ]
Announcer: "Crank It Down."
Available in supermarkets and discount stores.
[ Applause ]
Joey: Maybe you should pick one up today, before your forget.
Bill: Shut up, punk.
Announcer: The star of "Politically Incorrect" -- Bill Maher!
Panel Discussion
Bill: Okay.
He's a native of New York and the author of "How To Juggle Women."
Stefan Feller.
Stefan!
[ Applause ]
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Stefan: Nice to see you.
Bill: Beautiful actress and model, one of the stars of "V.I.P.," Molly
Culver.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, you.
Nice to meet you.
She's the fabulous host of every award preshow ever broadcast including this
Sunday's 2000 Golden Globes live preshow on E!, and also one of the greatest
comedians ever, Joan Rivers.
[ Cheers and applause ]
He's a former New Kid On The Block and his new solo CD is "Stay The Same."
Joey McEntire.
[ Screams and applause ]
Joey, I hate it when they scream for us like that.
Joey: I pay them well.
Bill: Come on, we're not just a piece of meat.
[ Laughter ]
All right.
Let's get to your book, Stefan.
I was not aware of this book.
This out now?
Stefan: Yes, it is.
Bill: "How To Juggle Women."
My first question is, haven't you blown it with all the women you go out with
by writing this dumb book?
[ Laughter ]
Stefan: Pretty much, but I'm not the guy on the cover.
Bill: It's a drawing of a dork, and you're really here.
[ Laughter ]
But seriously, doesn't this ruin it for you?
Stefan: Well, it does ruin it, but I'm honest about it, and I say that in the
book.
I'm honest.
Bill: But you're not honest.
Stefan: I'm honest to a fault.
I'm honest to a fault.
Bill: No, you're not honest and that's why I have a problem with this book.
I don't have a problem with going out with more than one woman --
Stefan: I know you don't have a problem with the book.
Bill: I do have a problem with this book because what you say here is that
basically -- do whatever you can to keep the idea of a unknown status from
the woman, and you say here, "Relationships remain in limbo until the future
is discussed."
Joan: Oh --
Bill: What?
Joan: I'm so bored with this.
Look who is deciding how men should act with women.
If he wrote the book, I would listen.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Stefan: I'm out there every day.
I'm a regular guy.
Joan: You're not a regular guy.
You're a writer.
Stefan: He told me backstage --
Joan: Let me tell you, women have screwed themselves into the ground with all
this liberation, with the pill.
We don't need some stupid-assy man to come in now and make it worse for us.
I'm sorry.
Stefan: Susan Faludi's even on our side now.
Joan: "How To Juggle Woman," how not to be sincere to women.
It is so tough.
Men, you can sleep around, Bill, and sleep around and a man's called -- well,
he's kind of like a wild guy.
A woman you make 29, 35 mistakes in a week and you're a tramp.
[ Laughter ]
It is so double standard.
Am I right?
Joey: Let me rescue my fellow man here.
I mean, geez!
Bill: Go, Joey.
You go, boy.
Joey: Say a guy is an eligible bachelor and he doesn't know the right one he
wants to spend the rest of his life with.
Let's take it back here.
Joan: Do you sleep --
Joey: Who said sex?
Who said sex?
Molly: Are you dishonest?
Are you lying to anybody?
If there's no real lying --
Stefan: I'm saying keep it casual.
Joan: How can you keep it casual if you like somebody?
Stefan: You can like people.
You don't have to be serious.
I'm trying to keep the dating pool alive.
Molly: Any woman that can't see through that, you know what I mean?
Stefan: But they do.
Joey: 30 years ago, it was like, people could date two or three or four
people and it was okay.
Joan: But you didn't sleep with them.
Joey: Who said you had to sleep with them?
Joan: Everybody -- all my girlfriends that are still in the dating game, they
say you go out once or twice and they expect you to go to bed with them, and
it's very difficult.
Stefan: I don't expect that.
Molly: They just need to stand up for themselves because it's not necessary
to sleep with any guy you date twice, basically.
Joan: Three files?
What is your limit?
What do you say, four times?
[ Laughter ]
Molly: It depends.
It depends.
You know, it depends.
If you're dating a guy and see through them.
You know, you get a chance to see.
Third date, you know what they're about.
And then you can decide whether or not --
Joan: You know and I know for women it's much harder.
It's still -- a man -- if elephant man had $30 in his pocket, Mariah carey
wouldn't sit next to him in that car.
There's no question about it.
A man needs to be alive --
Stefan: Women get away with this all the time.
You've never dated more than one guy?
Molly: Of course I've dated more than one guy.
Bill: Women do it, too, but for a different reason.
Molly: I don't sleep with two men at the same time.
I don't -- it's just impossible to want to feel good about yourself as a
person.
Bill: But you'll keep two men interested at the same time.
You'll keep one in the lifeboat --
[ Laughter ]
-- Until the one you're trading up to comes through.
Stefan: To keep your emotional security you keep a couple --
Molly: This is -- people need to feel themselves out.
People need to feel -- no pun intended.
They need to feel other people to see if they're --
Joey: Exactly.
I think that's what the book is about.
Stefan: That's exactly what it is about.
Joey: Joey's got your back, buddy.
Molly: I saw part of the book.
It's actually in my bathroom right now.
Stefan: Why would you read his book?
He's been doing this -- I was playing video games when he was juggling women.
Joan: Look at the guy on this cover.
You don't think this is the most terrible cover in the world?
Stefan: I think it's a great cover.
Joan: It's like a guy looking, "I'm Mr. Macho, I've got three women all over
me."
Look at this.
Stefan: You're not taking it that seriously?
Joan: Oh, I do take it seriously.
The Sunday picnic with Julie.
Monday, drinks with Stacy.
Wednesday, call Kim.
Thursday, movie with Stacy.
Friday, go back to Julie.
Stefan: We're just having a good time.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Bill: But don't you think as I was trying to say that women do the same thing.
They juggle, but for different reasons.
We do it to spread our seed or whatever.
[ Laughter ]
Women are always looking to trade up.
But they don't want to get rid of the one guy until they got the better guy
for sure.
So they kind of keep the guy they're with until the other guy is secure in
their pen.
Now that --
Molly: I think there's a line you cross.
I think sleeping with somebody is different.
The seed thing, whatever.
Okay?
[ Laughter ]
Women who date other -- date, you know, men -- just multiple men, I don't
think they do it -- secure women who are looking for a mate don't date a man
more than twice without knowing what they're about, and then they move on to
somebody else.
There's no trading up.
Women who do trade up, then they get what they ask for.
And men who juggle, they get what they ask for.
Bill: But is it any better to make a guy feel like you care about him while
you're really spinning another plate, and if that comes through and he's the
better guy, you're gonna cut that guy off.
Joan: It depends who the guy is.
In this town when they're 95 years old and they've got a 20-year-old girl
named bambi -- if they're that stupid to think this girl with big breasts
whose nipples wink hello loves them, then they have to deserve what they're
getting.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: We have to take a commercial.
We'll be right back.
Bill: All right.
I want to mention after the superbowl this year we have a special "P.I."
party with Jason Alexander, Rick Schroder, Mark Harmon, and The Smashing
Pumpkins.
Okay, Joan, I want to ask you this and everybody, but you were the first, I
think, comedian ever to have a large gay following.
Joan: Thank God.
Bill: And still do.
Joan: Yes.
Joey: Dress up as her and do the little skits like -- drag places.
I've never been.
Bill: I have seen gay guys dress and look --
Joan: Better.
Bill: Yes.
Not better, but -- yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Listen to this.
John McCain, who is running for President as we all know, and doing quite
well at it, said the other day that he knew when he served in the Navy who
the gay guys were.
Now of course, the don't ask don't tell policy was in affect, as it still is.
They didn't tell him, but he said, "I think we know by behavior and by
attitudes."
So he had gay-dar.
[ Laughter ]
He was controverted by David Smith, a human rights campaign director.
He says, "He has one up on me.
I can't tell just by behavior and attitudes."
And I'm here to tell Mr. Smith, you're a big liar.
The idea that you can't tell is ridiculous.
Joan: Is so stupid.
You know.
First of all -- look at somebody's car.
If it says, "I brake for antiques."
They're gay.
There are certain things -- if they've got a blow-up proctologist doll,
they're gay.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Joan!
Joan: If the military -- and I feel so sorry because you cannot say anything
honest anymore these days.
Bill: You can here.
Joey: Here you can.
Joan: It's the only place you can.
Absolutely.
Bill: Thank you.
Molly: You don't think that's generalizing just a little bit?
Even a little bit?
I mean, you really can't tell --
Joan: Not everybody.
But you know truly that 90% when you meet somebody, you know very soon if a
man is gay or not gay.
It's not putting them down.
Molly: No, but you take a lot of people -- people who aren't gay, basically
you can't tell if they're gay if you have feminine qualities.
You can't tell.
Anybody who is a man that goes and dresses up like Joan Rivers is probably
gay.
Bill: Very probably gay.
[ Laughter ]
Molly: Very probably gay.
Joan: I get so angry at the people in this town.
There are so many actors in the closet.
There's one actor, no names, who has been in the closet so long his pet is a
bat.
[ Laughter ]
Come out of the closet.
What is so terrible if you can tell they're gay?
Joey: Now you're getting into another thing, because you come out of the
closet, it's like, "Good-bye career," basically.
We're still at that point where we're not accepting that.
Joan: Do you really think that it makes a difference?
I think it makes a difference for a woman, I don't think it makes a
difference with a man.
Bill: If you're a leading man -- if you're a heart throb like Joey is, almost
as much as I am.
[ Laughter ]
I mean you heard the kids scream for me.
[ Cheers ]
Don't make him feel bad.
[ Laughter ]
But if you're a heart throb like I don't know, Tom Cruise or somebody, okay
if, if it were to come out that you were gay, don't you think you would lose
female fans?
Stefan: No, they'd want you more.
They'd want you more.
Because you're unattainable.
Women like the unattainable.
Joan: I can change you.
Joey: Yeah, can I change you, exactly.
Joan: I can change you.
Joey: I can change him.
Joan: Yeah, that's how -- a lot of these women --
Bill: You meet a great looking gay guy you think you can change him?
Molly: I can try.
Stefan: I'm gay.
[ Laughter ]
Molly: In the industry you meet a lot of really good looking men who turn out
to be gay.
I can't tell right off the bat.
Some you can and some you can't.
Some you can and some you can't.
That's all I'm saying.
Honestly like generalizing, I don't think -- you're not seeing the people
that way.
Joan: But the sad thing is it's coming down on McCain for saying the truth.
It became this big thing and now he's going to have to apologize and say,
"I'm terribly sorry and I had no idea --" he's already backtracking.
Bill: To suggest that there is no correlation between seeming gay and being
gay.
Of course it's all about -- generally people who are more flamboyant are gay.
Generally they are more fashion conscious.
Generally they're Nathan Lane.
Generally --
[ Laughter ]
Joan: Generally they can be somebody as straight as -- Michael Jackson has
been married with two children.
It could be.
Oh, grow up!
It could be.
[ Laughter ]
Joey: You never know
Bill: Did you have something?
Joey: The "Don't ask, don't tell" I mean -- just ask if you can't tell.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Very good.
All right.
We'll be right back.
Bill: All right.
Now, we got your answer.
I want to ask you something because you're a hot, young stud and --
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers ]
Joey: Thank you.
Bill: Screaming for me.
These kids, I don't know what to tell you.
These are called boy crazy cards.
They're gonna sell them in a couple of months. They're coming on the market.
And there's a controversy already, because there's these young boys, 12 to
22, who give their statistics and, you know, their favorite, God knows,
hobbies, ambitions.
Joey: Sizes?
Bill: Favorite ammo.
What?
Joey: Sizes.
Bill: Sizes?
Yeah, they do.
And there's already an outcry saying, "You know, what if we try to do this
with young girls, if we had boys buying cards of hot chicks with their
measurements, it would be objectifying," God forbid, and what do you think
about that?
Joey: You know, I think -- you know, my first question is, well, are they
singers or actors, but --
Bill: No.
Joey: Should that make a difference when you think about it?
You know what I mean, just because --
Bill: No, they're just boys.
Joey: Yeah, that's weird.
Stefan: That's wrong.
It shouldn't make a difference, but it's still wrong.
If we put 12-year-old or 13-year-old girls on those it would be kiddie porn.
Molly: It's that young now.
It sexist -- this is when it happens.
They're this young.
You know, it's a shame.
Stefan: Why try to encouraging it?
Joan: What's the difference from them buying the teenage magazines and
ripping --
[ Talking at the same time ]
Stefan: There is no difference.
Bill: That's what I said.
Exactly.
Molly: This is the Internet as well.
If they're not getting it here, you can download and scan your picture and
put it all up.
The kids are very computer --
Stefan: I scanned you last night.
Joan: Are the pictures head shots?
Bill: They are.
They're just pictures.
Lindsay and Brandon and this looks like the kid who knocked up Mary
LeTourneau.
[ Laughter ]
Molly: You know what?
Bill: Boo me -- I was in that class throwing spit balls.
I mean, I'm not gonna wind up under some pedophile's pillow -- I mean these
cards.
Joan: But so are those other little teen magazines.
There's no difference.
Stefan: Right, the media is famous for perpetuating these images of women who
are -- I don't want to say, but like you, you know, tall, gorgeous and thin,
and not every woman is like Molly.
Joan: Thank you!
Stefan: And you, too.
Joan: Oh, shut up.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Stefan: You're not as tall.
Joan: There's some guys, right now, that are tuning in and don't even know
who I -- that are going nuts in old-age homes, so just watch yourself.
[ Laughter ]
Stefan: But the media perpetuates these images that aren't accurate.
[ Laughter ]
And I don't think that's right, and this is just an extension of that.
Joey: That's not cool.
Let me just see --
Bill: See if you're on there?
[ Laughter ]
Joey: Yeah.
Joan: But what's the difference?
Joey: That's the thing.
What's the difference between "Teen Beat" and these things right here?
Molly: Nothing.
Stefan: That doesn't make it right.
Molly: This is gonna happen.
This is age old, you know, what it is, maybe not age old, but this is a Gen
"Y."
Really what it is, is if parents are aware and you have good role models and
you set things straight with your kids, this sort of thing is just gonna be
fun.
Joan: But who were you in love with at 13?
Whose picture did you put up?
I put up --
Molly: There's -- there's nothing really wrong with it, I think.
[ Laughter ]
Joey: Ben-hur?
Pictures of like Moses?
Joan: That's what I just said.
I just said --
[ Laughter ]
Joey: Hey, where's -- don't get her mad at me.
Joan: I said, "Hannibal."
I did the same joke.
Bill: These are hunky guys.
And, you know -- no, they are.
That's what they're supposed to be.
They're sort of sexualized.
It's true.
In the past --
[ Laughter ]
Molly: But still --
Bill: You mentioned Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson was so popular in his huge heyday in the '80s because he was
a Peter Pan figure.
And same thing with Beatles were popular.
The young girls loved Ringo.
Why?
Because he was the ugly duckling.
They related to him at that age.
It wasn't about sex.
It was about somebody who had that Peter Pan quality.
Joan: Oh, wait, you weren't a young girl, so you don't know.
It was always about sex.
You still -- I used to think of Lincoln taking me and kissing me.
[ Laughter ]
Joey: Those girls don't exactly know what's going on, you know what I mean?
They just know it's something and that's why they scream, you know what I
mean?
Meanwhile, boys, they know how to get over that craziness at that age.
Stefan: And good parenting only takes you so far.
Good parenting --
Joey: Girls just go, "Ahh!"
Joan: Are you saying girls don't masturbate?
[ Laughter ]
Joey: No, what I'm saying is --
Joan: Isn't that what he said?
"Boys know how to get over this and girls --"
Joey: I think boys do it at a younger age, absolutely.
Joan: And girls lean up against the washing machine.
You don't know anything.
[ Laughter ]
Bill: Okay, we got to take a commercial.
We'll be right back.
Announcer: If you're planning to be in the Los Angeles area and would like
free tickets to "Politically Incorrect," call --
Bill: All right.
They're trading the cards over here.
Joey: I'll trade you Lindsay for --
Bill: Monday we have Robert Klein, we're gonna cover the Iowa caucus.
We're gonna have Armstrong Williams.
We're gonna have Michael Moore out there in Iowa.
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