"We both know that we shouldn't be here/This is wrong/And baby it's killing me, it's killing you/Both of us tryin to be strong/I've got somewhere else to be/Promises to keep/Someone else who loves me and trusts me fast asleep/I've made up my mind/There is no turning back/She's been good to me and she deserves better than that/It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do/To look you in the eye and tell you I don't love you/It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to lie/To show no emotion when you start to cry/I can't let you see what you mean to me/When my hands are tied and my heart's not free/We're not meant to be/It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do/To turn around and walk away pretending I don't love you/I know that we'll meet again/Fate has a place and time/So you can get on with your life/I've got to be cruel to be kind/Like Dr.Zhivago/All my love I'll be sending/And you'll never know cause there can be no happy ending/Maybe another time, another day/As much as I want to, I can't stay/I've made up my mind/There's no turning back/She's been good to me and she deserves better than that
We met on the set of a new movie being directed by and starring his friend, Donnie Wahlberg. It was my first big break and I had a small supporting role. He came to the first day of filming and when I saw him, I was bowled over by his stunning appearance. I had been a New Kids on the Block fan since I was nine and was still a fan but seeing him for the first time, in the flesh, was breathtaking.
Jordan Knight approached me after my first scene on the first day of filming. I just about died. We chatted it up and ended up going out that night. He was more wonderful than I had ever imagined.
That was a year ago. I would like to be able to say that if I had known then, what I know now I would have done things differently. I would like to be able to say that but I'm not so sure that I can.
"Thanks," I said. "Donnie is just a great director."
"My name is Jordan and yours is Jacqueline, right?"
"Yeah. I know who you are Jordan." I invited him into my trailer and we made small talk while I took off my makeup and changed.
"So I was wondering, if you're not doing anything right now, if you'd like to get some food or something." He was so cute, how could I say no to him?
So we went to an out of the way diner and ate. All my years as a fan, I had imagined what it would be like to be with him and there I was. It was like he had walked out of my dreams and into my reality.
He was in town for three weeks and when he wasn't busy, he was on the set. If we both weren't busy, we would sneak off and just enjoy being together. And yes, three days before he left, we were together. I thought that I loved him.
Isn't it so stupid, to think that you could love someone you've know for two weeks? That just goes to show how naïve I was. Or maybe just to show how cynical I am now.
Anyways, it was like heaven. We had spent the afternoon at the beach and afterwards we ended up at my apartment. I don't know what it was, but that afternoon we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. It was like being on another level of existence. He did things to me that I had never known possible. His hands, his mouth, his tongue, it seemed as though his whole body was in tune with mine.
After that day, though, things got strange. I should have known better than to sleep with a guy right away.
I found out the night he left why. He came to my trailer at ten that night.
"I have something to tell you," he said to me. I knew then what had been bothering him.
"You have someone." I knew by the way he avoided my eyes that it was true before he even said yes. "You'll miss your flight." Was all I could say. I turned my back on him, not wanting him to see my pain. He stood there forever then walked out. It was the worst feeling I can ever remember having. I felt like a used, tired object that had been nothing but entertainment while he was in town on business.
I sat down on my recliner and just let the tears fall. It was almost an hour later when Donnie knocked on my door.
"Oh hey Donnie." I didn't want to look at his face because I knew I looked like hell. But I couldn't fool him.
"What's wrong." He was so concerned. He came inside and sat me down. I felt like he was my big brother or something. "What is it? Is it a guy?"
"How'd you guess?" I smiled at him, amused by his ability to read me so well.
"It's always a guy. Could this be the same guy who's made you so happy these past weeks?" He looked at me in that knowing way. I was shocked that he had even noticed my good mood. "Whoever he is, I'm going to kick his ass for making my new star cry like this."
I laughed at him. I was hardly a star. It was, after all, my first major role but it was only supporting not starring.
"It's true. I will or my name's not Donnie Wahlberg." He was trying to cheer me up. What could I do? I remember looking at him and thinking now why wasn't he my favorite? I don't know. Sometimes weird things go through a person's mind when she's down in the dumps.
After that night, I tried my hardest to forget about Jordan and focus on the movie. I was doing so well that Donnie re-wrote my role so that I had more screen time. Donnie was the best. He helped me through everything. I didn't have anyone in the area so on days when we had one or two days off, he invited me to his place to hang out and stuff. We had fun but I always managed to keep talk of the group out of our conversations.
Six months later, filming was finished. The night after filming the last scene, Donnie had a huge party at his place. The whole cast & crew, some Hollywood people, and a lot of friends were in attendance. Donnie introduced me to some producers and casting directors. He had really taken me under his wing and I was eternally grateful.
I was talking to another cast member when Donnie came and grabbed me. "Hey I want you to meet somebody. He's one of my best friends in the world, you're gonna love him."
"Everyone's your best friend Donnie."
"Yeah but this one is really my best friend. Hey J! Come here, I want to introduce you to someone." When I heard that word, that one letter, I knew who it was. I tried to turn away and make some excuse but it was too late. Jordan turned around with a smile on his face, that smile that I had managed to forget, and looked at me. I didn't even give him time to react. He was the last person I wanted to see! I didn't care if Donnie found out either. I pulled away from him and got out of that room as fast as I could.
All I heard was Donnie say, "Whatdafuck?!" But I was gone. I did not give a last look back.
I ran out to my car but of course it was blocked in. I was the first one there and had planned on being the last one to leave. I didn't want to bother the parking guy. I went back inside and snuck up to Donnie's room. I must have been exhausted because the next thing I knew, it was morning.
I woke up in Donnie's bed, cuddled up in the covers, with my dress still on. I sat up and saw that a pair of sweats and a t shirt were sitting on a chair by the bed. I put them on and went downstairs. Donnie was in the kitchen reading the paper. He didn't say anything when I walked in, didn't even really look at me. But I knew that he was waiting for me to offer something. I grabbed some juice and sat down across from him.
"So how did everything end last night."
"Good, everyone was gone by four. I was worried about you. Your car was still here, I didn't know what happened to you."
"Well obviously you found me." I gestured to my clothes. "Thanks for letting me stay last night. I just hope The Enquirer doesn't find out." I tried to joke with him, to make him laugh but he wouldn't.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"What that I had fallen hard for your 'best friend' but that he failed to tell me that he had a significant other? That I let my guard down and let him play me for a fool? I didn't want you to get involved. You are, were, my boss and I didn't want to compromise the situation anymore than I already had."
"I thought I was your friend. You should be able to tell me things." "Not this and you know it. Look at you. What happened after I left?" I didn't want to be drawn there again but I couldn't help it.
"I had a little chat with Jordan."
"What did he say?" I had this twisted desire to know every last detail.
"You women, always have to know everything. Well by your reaction, I could guess that you two already knew each other. And I guessed by some quick deduction that he was the reason you were upset that night. Let me tell you, I felt like an idiot that I didn't know it then. I should have known. Anyway, I was obviously angry with him. Jacqueline, he's been with this girl for five years. I never thought that Jordan would ever stray from her, he's not like that."
"I didn't lure him. He approached me."
"I know. He told me the whole story. I'm sorry that he did this to you." What Donnie didn't tell me but what I found out later was that Jordan was questioning his relationship with his long time girlfriend. I was just a temptation that he couldn't, and wasn't sure he wanted to, resist.
I didn't want Donnie to feel bad. I had felt bad enough for both of us. "C'mon Donnie. Cheer up. Let's just forget about it and move on."
"There's something else." He looked nervous when he said it and that made me nervous.
"What's wrong?" That look he had was making me more and more pensive as the seconds passed.
"Jordan wants to see you. Before you say anything. I kinda think you should and I kinda think you shouldn't do it."
"Why D, what's wrong?" I didn't think I could handle anything more as far as Jordan was concerned. I had gotten him out of my mind. almost completely and out of my heart. For the most part. Or at least I thought I had. I was nineteen, can a nineteen year old really know what love is? Anyway, I didn't really know how I felt about him at that point. I had blocked out all thoughts of him and now everything was resurfacing and I had no time to think about what I was feeling.
"He'll be here in fifteen minutes. He made me promise that I wouldn't let you run."
"What is this? I am not ready for this Donnie and even you couldn't make me stay." I needed to get out of there. I was really panicking. I was afraid that if I saw him again, all those old feelings would resurface and I would be left heartbroken again. I tried to walk out but Donnie wouldn't let me. He grabbed me and held me hard. I had never seen him so angry before!
"Why are you mad at me?" He was hurting me and he was scaring me too but when I said that he let me go.
"I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Jordan for doing this. Please stay. It's not going to be easy but you should hear what Jordan has to say."
I knew it was not good whatever it was but I decided to be tough and deal with the situation.
"Fine. Let me go upstairs so I can freshen up." I took a longer shower than I had planned but I had so much going through my mind that I didn't even notice. What was so important that Jordan had to see me? And how did I really feel about him? I had been a fan so I knew everything there was to know about him but did I really know him? Yes I did. At least I thought that I had seen into him when we were together. But I didn't know if it was the real him or just some part that he was playing.
When I got out of the shower, I saw that I had been in there for almost half an hour. I got dressed and walked downstairs. I could hear him and Donnie talking. He sounded desperate and Donnie sounded more irate than before. I walked as though it were my death march. I did not want to go in there.
Donnie raised his voice then, "You better tell her J. You tell her because I am not going to do it. I swear, don't play with her head anymore than you already have. She deserves a lot more than this. Man I can't believe you. What the hell is wrong with you?"
I stood silent, waiting for Jordan's reply.
"I can't do this. I have to leave."
"Jordan I swear to god, if you leave. I don't know if we can be friends anymore."
I was so nervous. Why was Donnie so pissed? When I walked into the room, Jordan and Donnie were standing and Donnie had this mean look in his eyes. Jordan just looked broken.
"Let's get this over with. I think that's what everyone wants. So let's do it." I sat down on the couch across the way from Jordan. Donnie left the room. Jordan couldn't look at me. He looked at everything else but me.
"Donnie says you have something to tell me. What is it?" I tried not to see him. I mean I saw him but I didn't want to look deeper. He was still gorgeous and he looked even more so now standing there, almost afraid to speak. When he said my name, my heart almost melted.
"Jacqueline, I have to tell you something." He was silent for awhile before he began again. "This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I feel like a bastard for what I did to you. It never should have happened, it was a mistake." That word, mistake, was like a knife in the heart. As I grew sadder, he seemed to gain more strength. "We've been together for a long time and I owe her a lot more than this. If she knew what happened, she would be devastated. She trusts me and she loves me and I can't do this to her. She deserves better than that."
"But you can do this to me is that it? You can leave me devastated right? What did you think, you'd come to LA for a few weeks get a cute little actress in bed and that would be ok?"
"No it wasn't like that! I saw you and things just happened."
"And now you're laying your guilt trip on me. I don't want to hear it!" I was so hurt and so angry at myself for letting this happen that I was yelling. But then, I couldn't take it anymore and I started to cry. I felt so stupid crying in front of him like that. I tried to control the tears but I couldn't. I had denied myself for six months and all my emotions that had been locked up came tumbling out in one huge rush. Jordan came and sat down next to me. He tried to put his arm around me but I pushed him away. I wanted him to hold me and change his mind but I knew that he couldn't or wouldn't. "Why did you come back? You knew I would be here last night. Why did you come?"
"I'm sorry Jacqueline. I'm so sorry. If circumstances had been different."
That was the last thing I wanted to hear. "Don't. Please leave," I said to him. It was enough that he had to see me like this but to say 'if only' was too much.
Once again Jordan left but not before dropping one last bomb. "We're getting married in four months. I thought you should hear it from me."
Shocked could not even begin to describe what I felt. I couldn't believe my ears! That was why he had come, to tell me he was getting married. I don't remember what happened then, I was so paralyzed with shock. But I do remember the look on his face when I finally looked up at him. He looked as though someone had wrenched is heart out and stomped all over it. I probably had the same look.
That afternoon after Jordan left had been the worst of my life. Not even Donnie could comfort me, lord knows he tried. I felt bad because he felt bad but I needed to be alone. I went to my trailer at the set. Most everything had been cleaned out by a crew. Just a few things remained in the bathroom and there was a box of my personal stuff on the couch. I started rifling through it and found my copy of the original script. All my lines were highlighted and some notes were written in the margins. When I flipped through it, a picture fell out. It was of the two of us taken outside of the Maan's Chinese Theatre. Damn thing cost five bucks but Jordan had paid for it saying that it was a cute souvenir. I must have had it in the script to save my place. I don't know. Who could remember that far back? I tossed both back into the box and left.
The next few weeks were a blur. Once again, I immersed myself in work to forget about the pain. While still filming, I had landed another supporting role in a horror flick. I'd probably be killed, oh well. Filming for that movie started two weeks after I finished Donnie's movie.
He and I were still friends. We made it a point to see each other as often as possible. But his anger at Jordan and my pain put a strain on things. It was always hanging over our heads.
I was there the day he got the wedding invitation in the mail. He tried to hide it from me but I had already seen the envelope. I tried not to let him see how hurt I was but Donnie's never been a fool.
But I got over it. Just like I got over it every time I heard one of his songs on the radio, the day I heard his new song "Separate Ways" I just about died, or every time I turned on the TV and saw his face. Every one of those moments was hard and I'd be lying if I said that it got easier because it never did. I just learned to move on. until the next time.
Finally, Donnie couldn't take it anymore. We were in the car when Jordan's voice came over the radio. I must have made a horrible face because Donnie pulled over. "You have to stop letting it get to you."
"That's easy for you to say."
"No it's not. We've all had our hearts broken. You need to start healing. I know you think that you are but you're not. You act like you don't care but every time he comes up, you look the same way you looked that day. Nothing has changed since the last time you saw him. Nothing. You are still in that same place."
"Donnie please don't yell at me. I try but it's so hard."
"I know but you need to let go."
The day of the wedding, I was at home in San Francisco. I wanted to surround myself with everyone I loved.
At one west coast time, four Boston time, Jordan got married. I was swimming in the pool, teaching my cousin how to dive.
Donnie and I both got home three days later. He stopped by my house on his way home. "How are you?"
"I'm good. I had a really nice visit with my family. How about you?"
"I had a good time too." He was being careful, trying to feel me out.
"How was it?" He looked at me funny. I think he thought that I was still in that same rut. But while I was home, I had done some thinking. I had come to terms with the whole situation. We had had something. Maybe it would have worked, maybe it wouldn't have. Maybe in our next lifetime we will be together or maybe not. It had been a great three weeks and I had learned some things about myself and about love.
In our lifetimes, we are going to fall in love many times with many different people. Jordan had said "If circumstances had been different" and he was right but I came to realize that those past six months had their purpose.
Everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes I say or think that I wish I could go back and do things differently, but if things had been different who knows what I might have missed.
A very wise person once said something like; Yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future, and today is today. Live today like it's the last because you never know what tomorrow might bring.