But do not be afraid of the numbness that often comes in the early stages of grief. Sometimes at the funeral home we see the sorrowing wife and find that she is almost radiant as she greets those who have come to offer their sympathy. People say, "What serene faith she has." We tend to equate faith with a stoical attitude, not with tears. Yet the truth of the matter may be that this woman is experiencing a temporary anesthesia which is helping her along until she is ready to move on to the next stage of grief.

A friend, family member or minister upon seeing this woman in what at least appears to be shock, will arrange to visit her after the funeral, knowing that one day soon the strong exterior may break down, and they will have to help her face her true self. In fact, in some cases they may even encourage her to break down and express openly the strong emotions she was not able to admit earlier.

A man who was unexpectedly fired from a job he had held for twenty years put it this way. "I was so stunned by what they told me, I walked around as if I was in a trance. What they said just did not register. I heard the words but they had not 'reached' me yet." Shock is a temporary escape from reality. As long as it is temporary, it is good. But if a person should prefer to remain in this dream world rather than face the reality of his loss, obviously it would be very unhealthy.

That is one of the reasons it is good for us to keep fairly busy and continue to carry on as much of our usual activities as possible during the period of crisis. It is certainly not good to have someone take over completely for us at such a time and make all our decisions for us. Well-meaning relatives and friends might hinder the grief process by forcing us to sit inactively by. This would be much like the surgery patients in the past who were coddled and told not to do anything, not even turn over in bed for several days after surgery. All of this had the effect of making the patient sicker and it required a much longer period for him to make his comeback.

The same thing is true with grief. The sooner the person has to deal with the immediate problems and make decisions again, the better. The housemother of a large sorority house at an university who has had much experience with girls at the time when they "receive bad news from home," says, "I always make it a point to be right there near the girl the whole time she is making telephone calls and preparing to leave. But I always keep her as busy as I can, letting her do her own packing and making her own minute-to-minute decisions. The other girls in the house always want to wait on her hand and foot, but I've learned that this is the worse thing you can do for a person at such a time."

Be near the person and available to help, if everything breaks down, but normally do not take away from them the therapeutic value of doing everything they can for themselves. This is what will help a person most to come out of their trance and "get on with his grief work". Even though a person does come out of the initial numbness/shock, they will undoubtedly experience times in the succeeding days and months when the unreality of the loss comes over them again. Every now and then they will say, "I just can't believe it has happened. Intellectually I know it did happen, but I guess, I just have not really accepted it emotionally. For all of us the biggest hurdle is "accepting it emotionally." We just do not want to believe it and so unconsciously we set as many barriers in the way as possible, making complete acceptance a very slow process.

Please take a moment to sign my guestbook below...thank you very much!

Living Life When The Unthinkable Happens Guestbook

All graphics on this page were created by JustMe
DO NOT under any circumstances take them.
© 2013
Thank You!!!

**I do not endorse or have anything to do with the banners that
are placed on this page by Angelfire.
~ Lyn ~