"Forgive me father for I have sinned." Why am I in a confessional? I'm not even Catholic. My faith doesn't even believe in confessing to a priest. I should just go and find her, and apologize.

"What is it my son."

Son? I'm not his son; I'm just some random kid that wandered in here. It wasn't even really my fault. It was all completely normal! She was just, she was..."Wow"...if you'd seen her. Oh God! "Well, it's kind of a long story."

"Well make it snappy, my child, I've got a dentist appointment in twenty minutes."

Okay, I don't understand this at all. Aren't Catholics the ones who believe in dropping everything for someone else in their time of need? Wait, maybe I'm thinking Mormons, no they're the ones who never stop having kids. I wonder if my family's heritage is Mormon?

"Okay, I was on a date with this girl named Megan."

"Oh, I think I know where this is going."

"Uh, no I don't think you do."

"Look, lets make this short and sweet. Sex is a normal thing that teenage boys make mistakes with. Its important that you repent for this sin, fast for a week, and pray as much as you can to the heavenly father."

I tried to peer through the holes of the confessional that separated me from the priest. He looked like he was eighty years old, and there he was lecturing me on sex. From what I heard, most Catholic priests had never even had sex. So if you haven't had it, how could you lecture on it? "Look, I can promise you that I did not have sex with Megan."

"The what did you do?"

"Um, well, tell me first, is masturbation a sin?"

"What?"

"Uh, I kind of got caught masturbating in the girl's bathroom in McDonalds."

The door the confessional flung open and I thought the old priest was going to beat me for being stupid or something. But instead he had a giant grin on his face and he sat down right in front of me. "The dentist can wait."

"Okay, so this is what happened. We were in McDonalds, just having a bite to eat. She had a number two, and I had a BigMac and a milkshake. We had gone out a couple of times, on real dates. I mean, please don't think that I'm so cheap a trip to McDonalds is my idea of a romantic date."

"Oh of course not." I looked at this guy, was he a priest or some sad excuse for a therapist? He sat with one ankle over his knee, kind of the way that Ike sits a lot of the time. He had his chin on his fist and these beady little black eyes that were laughing at me.

"So she's eating her fries, but the way she was eating them. Oh God…"

"How was she eating them?" He was so eager to get off on my story. Is that what becomes of men who never lose their virginity?

"She was nibbling on the end, and sucking the salt off. And this may just be my sick teenage mind, but it looked exactly like it would if she were sucking a well, um...you know, and not a fry."

"Woah." I tried not to make eye contact with the priest; it was just wrong and embarrassing. He was enjoying it all way too much.

"Uh, yeah, and she had her hand on my knee. She was kind of rubbing her fingers over the top of my thigh, and well, I sort of developed a problem."

"Oh yeah." The priest nodded knowingly.

Oh God, what is wrong with this man? Should I be running, what if he tries to rape me. "Um, so I ran into the bathroom and I took care of my problem."

"Which is a very good thing to do. Instead of having sex with the girl who was sucking on a french fry."

"Um, right. But as I was in the middle of um… you know, taking down the tent…"

"Doing what?"

"Um, climbing down the mountain?"

"What? I'm sorry, I don't get it."

"Calming the snake?"

"Come again?"

"Putting the gun away?"

"What on earth are you talking about?"

"MASTUBATING!"

"Oh, well why didn't you say so?"

I was a deep shade of red, and the priest laughed at me. As he calmed himself amidst his laughing he began to stare at me hard, "Have you ever considered being a priest?"

"What does that have to do with anything. I'm not even Catholic."

"Then why are you confessing in a Catholic Church to a Catholic priest?"

"Because! When I was jacking off in the bathroom a nun walked in on me. And only Catholics have nuns! So can you please forgive me so I can get on with my life!"

The priest became very solemn. "What was one of our sisters doing in a men's restroom?"

"Well, um, that's another part of the story, you see, in my rush to take care of the 'problem'…"

"Problem?"

"The Little Man of Steel?"

"Come on now, everyone knows that Superman was just a made up comic character?"

"The pitched tent?"

"Why would there be tents in the bathroom?"

"No, I'm talking about my erection!"

"Why didn't you just say that then?"

I tried to hide my face in my hands. "So in my rush to get rid if my erection I accidentally went in the women's bathroom. And then, the nun walked in on me. And that's my confession."

The priest just laughed. I think that is what happens to men who never lose their virginity. Crap, I gotta get laid! "Have fun at the dentist's office." I left as fast as I could.