Every day is the same for me. I get up, and I hope that maybe today will be different. That maybe somebody will decide that I’m cool. Then I go downstairs and eat breakfast and I wait at the bus stop. There’s only 1 kid at my bus stop. His name’s Zac. He’s in a band with his brothers, and he plays the drums. He’s one of the popular kids. He’s that kind of guy where everyone likes him because he’s outgoing and funny and does whatever he feels like doing and it doesn’t matter. I wish I could be like him.
I walk to the bus stop and wait. Zac was already there; he’s always early. I think that’s because he’s got energy to spare and so he runs to the stop. “Hey Cowleen.” That has been his nickname for me since I moved here and I was 7. Zac and I are the same age, actually, he’s a few months older than I am, but its not like that really matters.
I was 7 years old and I had just moved to Tulsa. This little hyper kid waited at the bus stop with a blue backpack on and holding a lunch bag. “Hi! My name's Zac.” He grinned.
“Hi.” I replied, shyly. I was very quiet around people I didn’t know, I still am.
“What’s your name?”
“Calleen.”
“You look like Cowleen would be more fitting.” He laughed.
And that’s when it started. He’s always made fun of me since that day. Always.
“Long time no eat, huh?” His laughing eyes glanced at me. “Here comes the bus, I hope you can still fit through the door.” He grinned and then marched in front of me to get on the bus first.
“YO Zac!!! Hey man, how ya’ been?” People yelled to Zac greeting him. He’s one of the popular ones after all.
“Excuse me? Can I sit here?” I ask a little girl if I could sit with her. She had long blonde hair and looked very nice and quiet.
I guess looks really are deceiving. “No way, Cowleen. My friend’s brother says you’re a freak, get away from me.” I could hear Zac laughing in the back of the bus.
“You tell her Shelly.” Zac grinned and I glanced up to see the bus driver looking rather unhappily towards me.
I turn to another girl; “May I sit with you? Please?” The girl shrugged and then scoots to the farthest part of her seat. I try not to take up too much room. “Thank you.” I whisper. She shrugged again.
Like I said, I’m the ugly fat girl. I’m not one of the popular ones.
Every day is just like the last. I go to the bus stop, Zac greets me, we get on the bus, everyone laughs at me, and I sit with that poor little girl who’s name is Genny. Then we get to school, and it starts all over again.
Zac and I are both in 5th grade. We have the same teacher. Her name is Mrs. Pilcher. She’s very nice. She tries to keep the kids from being mean, but it’s a tough job and I understand.
“The next person that puts a tack on Calleen’s chair is going to be sent to the principle’s office. I want you to knock it off, all of you.” She says it to the whole class but it’s mainly to Zac and his friends, James, Trevor and Damon. They’re popular kids too. The kids all say they’re sorry, even though they laugh while saying it. “Alright, now you may go to recess.” All the other kids rush out the door. I’d rather just stay inside. Mrs. Pilcher is the only person who’s nice to me.
“Calleen, are you alright? Why don’t you stand up for yourself? You’re so quiet. If you spoke up a bit more, maybe they’d realize what a nice person you are. You really are a sweet girl. I enjoy having you in my class very much.”
Mrs. Pilcher may have meant that, and she may not have. She’s just nice like that. I like her, because she always tries to make people happy.
I walk out the door. “Hey Cowleen.” Zac’s taunting voice greets me. Damon, Trevor, and James all stand next to him. “Would you like an apple?” Zac extends his hand towards me. I don’t trust him, but then why should I? “I’m trying to be nice Calleen. Just take the apple, and take a bite. I ate one, it was really good, but my mom accidentally packed me 2 and I only need one. So you can have the other.”
I took the apple and he smiled. I think the reason I took it was because he had called me by his real name. Maybe he was trying to be nice after all.
“Take a bite.” He said. I smiled, and he smiled back. Then I took a bite. Staring back at me was a huge, brown cavity and a worm. I screamed. How could he be so cruel? Zac burst into laughter. He and his friends ran off. I can still hear them laughing as they run.
“God, did you see her face?”
“The way is scrunched up when she bit it?”
“I still can’t believe she fell for it. What a dumb-ass.”
“What an ugly, fatso!”
“Yeah, it wouldn’t be so bad if she was just fat, or just ugly, but she’s both. And that’s just too much, and she makes it all way too easy.” Zac was nearly on the rolling on the ground in laughter. I could hear every word, and I could see every move they made. And that was it, I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to be me anymore. I wanted to be anyone but me. Most of all, I wanted to be Zac.
I called my mom that afternoon, I wanted her to come pick me up after school. I didn’t want to ride the bus home. She told me she couldn’t get me because she had errands to run. I understood. So I rode the bus home, just like I always do.
“Hi Genny, can I sit with you?” I ask. This time Genny frowns at me, then Shelly sits next to her.
“No, go away fat girl. I have friend’s now. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t want you around me. You are UG-L-EE!!!”
I look around the bus, and finally find an abandoned seat. The seat right behind the bus driver. Only the absolute losers sit there. Have I really become that low? Am I nothing more than a loser now? I guess so, as I sink into the self-proclaimed “freak” seat.
Zac and I got off the bus. I wanted to get home as fast as I could. I wanted to cry my eyes out. Why couldn’t Zac be nice? That’s all I’ve ever wanted, some one who would be nice to me. I’ve met his family; they invited us over for a barbecue once. His brothers, Isaac and Taylor, were very nice. And his mother was one of the sweetest women that I’ve ever met. I didn’t talk to his dad, but he seemed nice enough. The youngest brother, Mackenzie, was always near Zac, whom I wanted to avoid at all costs. His sister, Jessica, was very shy and very nice. Or maybe she just seemed nice because she was so shy, that’s probably it. Avery was hyper, just like Zac, but she was nice. She’s a lot nicer than Zac. I think that’s because she’s still young. Youth is innocence they say. Well I tried to avoid Zac and so I talked with Jessica and Taylor most of the time, because they were both quiet and somehow not as intimidating as everyone else. But Zac just had to get his digs in and spent the entire evening offering me food. It was a private joke that looked like hospitality. He’s smart, Zac, and sometimes I hate him for it.
My mom loves me very much. She’d do almost anything to make me happy. My dad too, he loves me also. He wants me to be happy as well. So now I have to ask a big favor. I want to be saved. I want…to be normal. I want to be thin, and happy, and popular. I want to be everything that I’m not.
“Mommy?”
“Yes baby? What is it?” My mom is so pretty and she’s so skinny. And it’s something Zac has mentioned before. That she’s so pretty and I’m so ugly and that she’s so thin and I’m so fat. I hate it when he says those things, because they’re so true. My dad’s like that also. He’s very thin and very handsome. Where did I get my looks and my fat?
“Mommy, I don’t want to go to school anymore?”
“Why not?”
“All the kids make fun of me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m ugly, and I’m fat.”
“No you’re not!”
“Yes I am, otherwise they wouldn’t be so mean.”
“You are beautiful. Come here, and look in the mirror.” She dragged me into the bathroom and forced me to look at myself. Me with my puffy eyes, swollen with tears. My chipmunk cheeks and double chin. This was beautiful? Yeah right.
“Mom, I’m not beautiful. There’s no way you can convince me of that. I’m looking and all I see is my fat. My fat cheeks, my fat chin, my puffy eyes…” I covered my face with my hands. “My fat hands and every other part of me is fat too. I’m fat everywhere! I’m ugly, nobody likes me! I have no friends!” I sob.
My mother is shocked. She stands back. “Well, there’s that nice boy down the road, Zachary. Isn’t he your friend?”
Oh no, don’t bring Zac into this. “No, he’s not.”
“Why not? He seemed nice enough.”
“He’s popular, he only hangs out with the popular girls. He doesn’t hang out with me. I’m the fat girl, I’m the ugly girl. Nobody likes me.”
“Look in the mirror again. You see your eyes?”
“My puffy eyes?”
“No, your large, sweet brown eyes. You have my eyes. And you see your smile?”
“The one that makes me face look fat?”
“No, the one that lights up a room. You have your daddy’s smile. He stole a million and one hearts with that smile, and someday you will too.”
“Mommy, I love you. And I really love how you try to boost my self-esteem, but I’m fat and ugly and there’s nothing you can do about it.” I turn away from her, but she pulls on my arm.
“Look, you look a lot like us, your father and I. Are we ugly?”
“No.”
“Then why would you be?”
“I think the gene pool got messed up somewhere in the conception process.”
My mom laughed. “No, honey, just wait until you get older. You’ll come into your own beauty and then everyone will wish that they had been nicer to you. Just wait and see. Now just finish this school year for me and then maybe, if you still don’t like it, then we’ll look into home schooling.”
I smiled and nodded my head. “Thank you mom.” I hugged her.
Even though I know school won’t get any better, I’m going to finish the year, for my mom’s sake. Zac got meaner, and more popular as the year went on. Genny and Shelly made fun of me constantly and Zac began to like them more and more. I don’t understand. I thought people were supposed to get popular because people liked them. But how could so many people like Zac when he was so mean?
Well, towards the end of the year we had a special assembly. Zac and his brothers, Isaac and Taylor, had gotten signed. They were going to make music for the whole world. It must have been amazing, to feel so special. Everyone swarmed around Zac, constantly. And needless to say, he enjoyed every minute of the attention.
“Look, Kelly. You’re very nice, but I can’t have a girlfriend. I have to remain single, for the fans’ sake.”
“But, we could keep it secret.”
“I’m not too good with secrets.”
“Oh.”
“Hey, Ana, how are you?”
Zac had every girl in the whole elementary school wrapped around his finger. Except me. I hated Zac. I hated him for every tormenting thing he’d ever done or said to me. And, even though Isaac and Taylor were very nice, I wanted their band to die. I wanted them to fail, and come back as miserable losers that nobody wanted. I wanted him to know how I felt.
The brothers held a small concert for the school. They were good, I had to admit it, and I hated every minute of it.
From then on Zac was home schooled. So was I.
The year hadn’t gotten better like my mother had hoped. It had gotten worse. And finally she gave in. She hired a tutor and they taught me at home. And they saved me from the cruelty of human kind.
During my 6th grade year I watched Hanson rise. I saw their success and how happy they seemed. I also saw that they hadn’t changed at all. Well, at least Zac hadn’t.
They came back to Tulsa every now and then. And Walker and Diana would invite us over for dinner every once in a while. It was a neighborly gesture and I think they felt obligated to do it. I only went to the first dinner.
I had to sit next Zac. “Excuse me, Calleen, but would you like a second chair?” He had asked. Yes, Zac was the same. And mean as ever. Taylor had definitely opened up. He was not nearly as quiet, in fact, once you got him started it was hard to shut him up. Isaac too had changed very little. He loved joking around and then being nice at the same time. I think he was my favorite out of them all, because he was nice to everyone. No matter how fat and ugly they were.
Zac tormented me the entire evening. “Are you sure you don’t want more cottage cheese, to match whatever that chunky stuff is on the back of your legs?” “Would you like more potatoes? If you hold them next to your face they make your cheeks almost looks smaller.” “Don’t use the bathroom, we don’t want your ugly face breaking out mirror or your fat ass breaking our toilet.” “Don’t go near Mackie, I don’t want your ugliness to frighten him, he might think all girls are as ugly as you.”
After that I decided I’d never set foot in that house again. There is only so much abuse one person can take and I had had my fill. But I kept that to myself and just played sick every time.
“Mom I am not feeling too well.”
“But honey, the Hanson’s invited us for dinner. Are you sure you want to miss it? I think Mrs. Hanson is making lasagna and I know how much you love Italian food.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t feel too good. Tell them I’m sorry I couldn’t make it.”
I don’t know what Zac said when he’d heard I wasn’t coming. Maybe something like “Good, now the rest of us can finally get a full meal’s worth.” Or, “Too bad, so sad, more for the rest of us.” I don’t know, maybe he had pretended to be nice, like he usually did around my parents. “Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. I really hope she’s feeling better soon.” It’s sickening how full of crap he is and how much people believe it.
In my 7th grade year little happened. Hanson toured, I home schooled. I tried different diets and work out plans trying to loose some weight. I was eating next to nothing and actually considering becoming bulimic or anorexic to lose weight. But nothing changed. I was still fat, and Hanson was still popular.
In my 8th grade year I noticed 2 incredible things. First of all, the diet I had gone on actually worked. And I had discovered that I do have cheekbones after all!!! Secondly, I discovered that not even Zachary Walker Hanson is immune to weight gain.
I’m not even sure how it happened. He came back after tour, and recorded the band’s new album. It was a total flop. Hanson was not big anymore. My wish had come true. I was glad. Then I saw Isaac and Taylor one day. They loved music so much and I felt horrible. Zac too was really in love with music and was terribly upset about the band’s failure. But I didn’t mind if he hurt. For all the pain he caused me for almost 7 years he could lose his dream. Hell, I’d never even come close to mine. But I felt bad for Taylor and Isaac. I hope that they end up happy later in life.
I get up and I look at my self now, and I can honestly say that I look good. I dropped about 10 pant sizes I swear. Actually, well maybe more along the lines of 6. But I like the way I look. My face has thinned, and you could almost call me pretty. But I’ll never be confident, I know that. I’m so scarred by everything that happened, that now that I’m going back to school for my freshman year, I’m scared out of my skin.
I stood at the bus stop, Zac wasn’t there. Their mom was going to home school them for another year. To get them used to being back in T-town. I got on the bus, I expected everyone to jeer and go “Ooh, look the fat girl got a make over. She looks like a pretty little skank now!!!” But they didn’t. They just let me get on the bus like any one else. I walked to a seat in the back. “Excuse me, may I sit here?” The guy I asked looks me over. “Baby, you can sit by me any time you want.”
Nobody remembered me. But then, if they saw Zac they wouldn’t remember him either.
All those Twinkies caught up with Zac. And he put on some pounds. He doesn’t look half as bad I used to. But I find it ironic that the boy that made fun of me for being over weight ended up being that himself.
Our sophomore year produced Zac spending another year in home schooling. Isaac and Taylor, however, were ready for the real world once more. They went to college. My family went to say goodbye. I sent them a card. I felt bad, but I didn’t want to see Zac. I didn’t want to deal with him. Not yet, not until he came back to school. I was the popular one now. And I wanted him to have to go through what I went through. But in order to do that, no one could know how much I had changed.
So the junior year came and he finally came back to school. I drove to school, and so did he. But in separate cars, obviously. I found out from his mother that Zac and I had the same math and lunch. But other than that I wouldn’t see him. She had told me how much she’d missed me at all those dinners. She really is a sweet lady. I like her a lot.
Math was second period. I took my seat and sat talking with Trevor and James. I found it weird to be talking to Zac’s old friends and they found it weird to be talking to ‘the fat girl.’
Zac walked in and my breath nearly left me. He was…he was…he was exactly how I used to be. He was huge. And there was no other way to say it. He was fat, and any charm and charisma that once hypnotized every elementary girl in sight had disappeared.
“Yo! James! Man, what’s up?” Zac tried to act normal like everything was okay.
“Damn, fatty! Get the fuck away from me.” James turned his face back to me. “So baby, when do I get to pick your luscious self up tomorrow?”
“Um…how about 10 till never?”
Trevor laughed, so did Zac. “What are you laughing at fat ass?” Trevor snapped.
Zac looked at the ground. “Look, we don’t really want you contaminating our air. So move your sorry ass or lose it.” James and Trevor turned on Zac and Zac turned away, rejected.
I felt bad for the way Zac felt and for what he was going through. But I have to wonder; in those 7 years when he treated me exactly the way James, Trevor and I are treating him did he ever think. “Gee, I feel bad for her. I bet she cries herself to sleep. I bet she’s lonely. I bet she doesn’t deserve this.” No. And because he didn’t is why I have to do this. I had to make him understand.
I had always wanted to be Zac, and now I was. I was in the exact same position Zac had always occupied. But now I didn’t want it. I wanted to care, and I wanted to set the example. I wanted to use my popularity to make people better. To help them see how beautiful everyone really is.
I walked over to Zac. “Hey Zac.” He looks up.
“If you’ve just come to make fun of me then go away.”
“No, I came to talk to you.”
“Why? I mean, you’re popular, you’re pretty. I’m this ugly, lame ass, fatty now.”
I noticed him sniff and a tiny tear slip down his face, before he quickly swatted it away.
“Now you know how I always felt.” I said.
“What?”
“Cowleen? I was Cowleen.”
“Oh my God. I am so sorry.” And he put his head in his hands.
We ate lunch together. Everyone stared at us. The popular girl and the fat guy. Damn we were a pair. But this was my goal. To show everyone how cool everyone was underneath.
“Why are you being so nice?” Zac didn’t eat much. I could tell he was trying to lose weight, but not eating was not it, and we both knew that.
“Because you treated my like shit.”
“I know, which is why you should be doing the same thing to me.”
“No. I am being nice to make you see what an asshole you were.”
“Oh."
“So that you can realize everything I went through. So you can understand what you put me through.”
“But you didn’t do it. Not all the way.”
“I couldn’t. I’m not you, Zac. I care. I give a shit about people. You never gave a damn about anyone unless it was for your own benefit. I’m not like you Zac. I’m better than you are, were, or ever will be. And was nice to you, so that you’ll realize that.”
“I know.”
“Zac, why did you make fun of me? Why did you do all that? I cried myself to sleep every night because you made everyone in the school hate me. I had no friends and it was all because of you.” I had to hold back the tears. I had to struggle.
“Because, I don’t know. Because I wanted to be on top. I wanted to be the big man on campus. And in order to do that, I needed someone to pick on. The only thing I’ve ever had about me is my craziness. My ability to turn anything into a joke. And while it wasn’t a funny joke, it was all I had.”
“You’re musical, you’re smart, you’re good looking, and you’re funny. You had all those things. I had nothing, and you put me even further down. And now you’ll never know what it felt like, but you’ll realize what a dick you’ve been to me. And that’s the only satisfaction I’ll ever get.”
“Cowl….I mean…Calleen. Can I take you out to dinner? To make up, or begin to make up for everything?”
“No.”
“No?”
“I will never forget the heart throb you were, but I won’t forget the asshole you were either. You don’t deserve a chance to make it up. You deserve to know that after this moment I won’t care about you again. And you are on your own.”
“Calleen, please. I need a friend right now.”
“And I needed one for 7 years and you never gave me that.”
He bent his head down. And I hugged him. “Goodbye Zac, I hope you find happiness somewhere.”
“It’s funny how we’ve switched places.” He murmured.
“Yeah it is.”
“I’m sorry.”
“So am I.”
“See ya’ at the barbecue?”
“Save me some chicken.”
We smiled. And I left.
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