Wrath of the Spider
On 2 March 2000, Ian Malcolm and I were charged by Mr. Brad Faust in our Contemporary Literature class with the assignment to write a new and original dialogue. Or result was the seemingly off-beat, though totally true Wrath of the Spider!
This was based an amazing true story. On the cold and rather dreary morning of the Tenth of November, Nineteen Ninety-nine, Ian and I were standing in the hall next to the big door to nowhere and a nasty scary spider tried to eat us, but thankfully Jake Norton showed up and saved us our hides by gracefully (and oh, so gracefully!) slaughtering the spider amidst all the morning turmoil prior to school beginning. We were relieved and let out our breaths, which we had been holding out of fear. A single bead of sweat ran down Jake's forehead as we all patted him on the shoulder for his bravery. Jake was a first class hero extraordinaire! Yay!
For the remainder of the year, all seven months, the carcass of the spider remained, totally outwitting the janitorial staff. It became known to us as The Spider Shrine, and we'd hold the occasional seance and sacrificial slaughtering there.
And so, for that very reason, when Mr. Faust told us to write a dialogue based on ANYTHING, what better than the Spider Incident of 1999? How in our right minds could Ian and I resist? I mean, come on! This was big time stuff here! So we wrote out a script and I typed it out. We never got the chance to perform it in front of the class as we initially intended, even bringing in the Nortons and possibly MacAfee to fill their allotted parts. But we did have the opportunity to perform it once, after school, to Mr. Faust. It was the 8th of March when Ian, the Nortons, and I revised out roles, with Estie Mossing filling in for MacAfee. It went well, and now a short motion picture version of it is underway. More may be found at the Wrath of the Spider Film Progress Log.
And now, I present to you, WRATH OF THE SPIDER!
WRATH
OF
THE
SPIDER
An amazing true story!
Written by
JOSHUA GULCH
and
IAN MALCOLM
Dramatis Personæ.
Ian Malcolm.
Joshua Gulch.
Bryan MacAfee.
Jakab Norton.
Daniel Norton.
Narrator.
Setting.
Interior Whitmer. At site of present-day Spider Mosque.
Date.
Wednesday, November 10, 1999.
Approximately 7:20 AM.
ACT I, SCENE I
[IAN MALCOLM, the local twit, is standing to the RIGHT of the big DOOR. JOSH GULCH, the renowned doctor, enters from around the CORNER to the LEFT of the
door.]
JOSH: [yelling] MALCOLM!
MALCOLM: [nonchalant] Shut-up, Josh.
JOSH: Hey, Malcolm, howzit goin’?
MALCOLM: [tired] Eh. Shut-up. Too early. Need coffee. Ian like coffee. Eh...
JOSH: [yelling] HEY MALCOLM!
MALCOLM: Shut-up. Baby goes to sleep. [Josh falls asleep] Good. [off] So then I says “You can take yer modem and shove it--”
JOSH: [awake; yelling] MALCOLM!
MALCOLM: Hush. I’m talkin’ to P. J.
[DAN NORTON struts by from LEFT]
DAN: Der ain’t no P. J. der, Ian. Yer blind.
MALCOLM: [looks about; paranoid] WHO SAID THAT?!?
JOSH: [yelling] MALCOLM!
MALCOLM: [agitated] What is it, Josh?
JOSH: Yer a twit, Malcolm.
MALCOLM: Shut-up, Josh.
[JAKAB NORTON enters from LEFT]
JAKAB: Hey, kids.
MALCOLM: Howdy, Norton.
JOSH: Jakab Norton, you’re my hero.
[Dan glances to the top of the door and sees a SPIDER]
DAN: [English accent] Bloody hell!
ALL BUT DAN: [like Gary Coleman] What-chu talkin’ ‘bout, Dan?
DAN: [pointing; yelling] SPIDER!
MALCOLM: [looks up; pointing; yelling] SPIDER!
JAKAB: [looks up; pointing; yelling] SPIDER!
JOSH: [looks up; pointing; yelling] SPIDER!
[MACAFEE runs past from RIGHT]
MACAFEE: [yelling] I WANT JELL-O! I WANT JELL-O!
[MacAfee passes out and collapses to floor]
JOSH: MacAfee?
MALCOLM: [looks up; pointing; yelling] SPIDER!
JOSH: [looks up; pointing; yelling] SPIDER!
JAKAB: I’ll save you kids.
[Jakab smashes the Spider on the wall. Spider GUTS remain stuck to door. Everyone APPLAUDS. Jakab BOWS.]
NARRATOR: [O/S] And, from that day forth and forever on, the spider stands as an eternal monument to man’s victory over yucky things. Ian Malcolm went on to
open the Church of the Spider. Proclaiming himself a Messiah, he led a group of six hundred followers on a march to the sea. Josh Gulch would go on to be
named Admiral of the Ocean Sea and Viceroy of the West Indies. Jakab and Daniel Norton led a series of crusades in the name of the Spider and are
responsible for the subsequent raids of the French countryside. And as for MacAfee... well, MacAfee finally got his Jell-O, but disappeared shortly thereafter, never to be seen again. And so, the lesson of this story is: There’s always room
for Jell-O.
MALCOLM: Yes, Virginia, there is a spider.
JOSH: Amen.
THE END.
Return to Filmography.
"Wrath of the Spider"
©2000, Joshua Gulch and Ian Malcolm. All Rights Reserved.
This page engaged 9 March 2000.
Last updated 19 March 2001.
©2000-2001, JG Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
