Shumi-Shumi Man VI: Draft 3.
Tragedy befell us in September of 1998 when Annie Applegarth left the cast. This left us with a fairly large hole in the script that needed to be patched up. Naturally, I set to work right away on 8 September, and on 12 September, I had Draft 3 of the script all typed out and ready to go. Draft 3 did little to the script except replace all of Annie's role of Pyro's lines to that of Gabrielé, played by Stephanie Schermerhorn, who was Andy's girlfriend at the time. But this script worked, until things got all screwed up... AGAIN!
SHUMI-SHUMI MAN VI
Original motion picture script
(Opening titles)
INT. FIELD - DAY
Open over a field or clearing on a nice, sunny, warm day. Pan camera to locate picnic. People can be identified around picnic: Andy, Grace, Josh, Gabrielé, and Pee. MacAfee cannot be seen yet. Pokey is sitting next to the picnic basket. Andy is smeared with cake, Grace is eating cake, Josh is stalking cake, Gabrielé is staring blankly at the cake, and Pee is doing the Pee Shuffle. It's Andy's birthday party, and there is a small pile of gifts nearby.
ANDY
It's my birthday. Now give me presents or I shall strike you down.
JOSH
Here's my present for you.
Josh socks Andy in the stomach, and then kicks Andy when he keels over.
ANDY
(Choking) Thanks, Josh. Who's next?
GABRIELÉ
Me! I am! Here's mine!
Gabrielé picks up a BIG (HUGE!) box and chucks it at Andy. It hits Andy and he flies backwards. He eventually gets up and opens the (BIG) box only to find a pair of unmatching socks inside.
ANDY
Socks. How nice.
Gabrielé smiles.
GRACE
Open mine next.
Grace hands shoebox-sized package to Andy. Andy carefully opens it and peers inside. With a look of sheer terror he screams and drops the box.
GRACE
Careful! You'll let it out!
ANDY
What was that?!?
GRACE
Only pure evil straight from the clutches of Hell.
ANDY
(Pause) How...nice of you.
Happy with Andy's response, Grace smiles.
ANDY
Pee, you dork. What did you get me?
PEE
I thought you'd never ask. Hit it!
With a burst of Can-Can music, MacAfee cha-chas into the picnic. He is wearing a dress, and is happier than ever. What a fool. Pee rushes up to MacAfee, and the two of them dance. Pee is doing the Pee Shuffle, and MacAfee is still doing the Can-Can. It is an intriguing sight.
ANDY
(With a look of utter disgust) Take it back.
PEE
(Stops dancing) What? NO!
ANDY
Well I don't want it.
PEE
Me neither!
MacAfee continues to Can-Can while the whole exchange is going on.
ANDY
You won't take it back?
PEE
No. It's yours. I gave it to you. You can't give it back.
ANDY
Fine. (Pause) Then you die.
PEE
What?!?
ANDY
DIE!
Andy sticks his arms straight out in front of him and aims at Pee, almost as if he were to shoot lightning at Pee through his fingertips, but instead he makes a swift gesture to MacAfee. He gets the hint and dances over to Pee.
MACAFEE
Pee! Come dance with me!
PEE
Huh? What? (Incoherant mumbling)
MacAfee grabs Pee and begins to Can-Can with him. Pee is getting thrown and tossed about the whole time. Then MacAfee lets go and Pee is thrown several meters. Pee gets up and shakes violently over to the group, trying to aviod MacAfee. His shaking continues to get worse all the time.
JOSH
Macafee! Your wild dancing has shaken Pee so much he's having a chemical imbalance! He's gonna blow!
MACAFEE
Oops.
ANDY
Hit the deck!
Pee's shaking gets much worse. He's vibrating everywhere. Everyone throws themselves to the ground. Then Pee explodes, throwing little bits of himself in all directions. Pee rains down over the group of people. They all wipe the bits of Pee of their faces in disgust.
GRACE
That was neat. Can we do it again?
GABRIELÉ
Nope. No more Pee.
GRACE
Oh.
MACAFEE
Hey! Pokey has something to say!
(Claymation Pokey walks in [Sequence filmed seperatelly].)
POKEY
Where's my leg?
(A large 16-ton weight falls and squishes Pokey.)
(A pause.)
MACAFEE
I like beans.
(Everyone nods their heads in approval.)
WEE
Beans are cool.
ANDY
Who are you?
MACAFEE
Didn't I kill you?
WEE
I'm Pee's twin brother, Wee.
ANDY
Oh. Hey, Wee.
WEE
Hey.
MACAFEE
So, where were we?
ANDY
Beans.
MACAFEE
Oh yeah. I like beans.
WEE
Beans are cool.
ANDY
(SCREAMING) MEXICAN JUMPING BEANS!
WEE
Yup.
ANDY
I like to do things with beans!
(Silence. Everyone freezes and stares at him, speechless.)
(A pause.)
WEE
Yup.
(Andy smashes more cake into his face.)
ANDY
Wee, what did you get me for my birthday?
WEE
Well, I didn't know what to get you, so I bought you a cheese log.
ANDY
(Mouth agape) WEE! My new best friend!
WEE
Buddy!
(Wee and Andy embrace.)
(MacAfee turns to Josh.)
MACAFEE
(Mouth agape) JOSH! My new best friend! (Opens arms for a hug)
JOSH
(Struggling) AAAHHH! Get away from me! (Hides behind Grace)
GRACE
Bad MacAfee.
(MacAfee frowns and sulks away.)
JOSH
(To Grace) He's evil.
GRACE
As am I.
JOSH
As are you.
GRACE
Yay.
JOSH
Is that all a happy Grace can say?
GRACE
Ricola!
JOSH
Now that's more like it!
GABRIELÉ
Do we have anymore Pop-Tarts?
Gabrielé walks to the picnic basket. She begins searching through it and finds not a Pop-Tart, but rather a piece of rope. Inquisitive about this strange piece of hemp, she begins to play with it. She eventually ends up with it around her neck, and she gags. She collapses to the ground, gasping for air and gagging. Foamy spittle runs out of her mouth as her eyes bulge out and she turns a faint purple hue. She chokes once more then dies from stranglation.
ANDY
(Looking down upon Gabrielé's dead body) That's to bad.
MacAfee smells his armpits.
Grace pulls a safety pin out of her pocket, and goes to pin it to her clothes, but she accidently pricks herself with it. She holds the wound up to the light for inspection.
GRACE
Wow. Gangrene. (Keels over and dies)
Andy walks over to Grace's limp body. He looks down at it. He nudges it with his foot.
ANDY
Nifty.
Andy hears a growl, and looks up. Josh charges him, with his jaws open, bearing teeth, and letting out a shrill Raptor scream. Andy steps aside when Josh gets near. Josh runs right past...and right off a conveniently placed cliff. A Raptor roar can be heard, getting fainter and fainter, until a THWUMP! is heard.
ANDY
Well, MacAfee. Now that everyone is dead, I guess that--
WEE
(Interrupting Andy) Hey, Andy. I'm still here.
ANDY
(Strained) Oh, yes. Wee. How could I have forgotten?
WEE
I'm your best friend.
ANDY
Yes, and I have something for you.
WEE
Really? What? Is it a puppy?
ANDY
Better.
WEE
OOOOHHHH! WHAT?!?
ANDY
Close your eyes.
Wee closes his eyes tightly. REALLY tightly.
ANDY
Here it is.
Andy pulls out a gun and shoots Wee. Wee dies.
ANDY
Well, who wants cake?
MACAFEE
I do!
Andy and MacAfee eat cake. Andy, in a very messy manner.
MACAFEE
I poisoned the cake, but I'm immune to the poison.
ANDY
Neat. (Eats some more)
Andy eats a little more, then he falls over dead. MacAfee laughs.
MACAFEE
(Looking around at the dead bodies) Wow. (Stands up) I'm going home, now. (Leaves)
Camera pulls back off of MacAfee and up into the sky. It pulls back through the atmosphere, off the Earth, past the moon, Venus, Mercury, and the Sun. Out of the solar system, out of the Milky Way, and past some other astronomical features until the Milky Way is nothing but a speck.
Fade out.
On screen: THE END
Fades out also.
(End Titles)
BACK TO SCRIPT LIBRARY
This page engaged 29 October 2000.
Last updated 16 November 2000.
©2000, JG Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
