This farmer had a rooster on his farm that humped ALL the chickens, I mean he REALLY like them. After a while though he got tired of humping just the chickens and started to hump the ducks and the turkeys and any other birds he could find. The farmer noticed this and told the rooster to cut it out before he killed himself. Well, one day the farmer looked up and saw a vulture flying around (and you know when there are vultures around that means someone is dead) The farmer rushed over and saw his rooster laying dead. the farmer said,"i knew you'd do it to yourself someday." but the rooster wasn't dead he looked up and said "SSHHH"
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks." "From now on," he said, 'we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3, and they began to screw. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!" "What's this Bell 4?" the husband asks. "More hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!'
There are two guys that are golfing, and both hit their balls way off into the rough. They decide to go find their balls and meet back on the fareway later. The first guy is pretty sure that he hit his into a big patch of buttercups, so he goes over and starts beating through the flowers with his club. All of a sudden, an angel comes down from heaven and tells him that he can never have butter again for ruining one of god's beautiful creations in that manner. The guy doesn't care and goes back to tell his friend what happened. His friend says: "You think that's bad? I hit my ball into the pussywillows."
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation,he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks.Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear? Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.
A curious little American Indian boy asks his mother, "Say, Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?" "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm," she answers. "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her," came the reply. "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon while she was conceived," Mom said. "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and being told there was a fortune in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that the preacher settled on a donkey instead. The preacher figured, since he bought the animal, he might as well race it. To his great surprise, the donkey did quite well and came in third place. The next day, the racing sheets carried this headline: Preacher Shows Ass The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again, and this time the animal won first place. The paper said: Preacher's Ass Out In Front The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give the animal to a nun in a local convent. The next day, the headlines read: Nun Has Best Ass In Town The Bishop fainted. When he came around, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. The nun searched, finally finding a farmer willing to buy the animal for ten dollars. The paper stated: Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks! They buried the Bishop the next day.
One day Pinnochio came to Gepeto with a problem. He said, "Thanks a lot Gepeto for making me and everything, but I need advice. Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters, how can I stop this?" "Well" said Gepeto, "Have you tried sandpaper?" "That's a good idea, and so Pinnochio left." A couple of weeks later Gepeto questioned Pinnochio, "How is the problem going with your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" ,said Pinnochio, "Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?"
There were these two bums and they were hungry, when they came across road kill. The first bum went down to eat it when he looked up at his friend and said "Oh I'm sorry would you like some?" He replied, "No I think I'll wait" So they continue down the road and the first bum said, "look some more road kill, I'm still hungry how about you?" His friend replied, "No not yet I think I'll wait". The first bum ate the road kill shortly after his eyes rolled back and he puked on the street. His friend ate every drop. The first bum asked, "I thought you weren't hungry?" His friend replied, "I was always hungry, I just wanted a warm meal.
There was a very racist man driving along highway and he saw a black construction worker on the shoulder. There were no other people on the road so he thinks to himself I can nail this guy. He swiftly turns to the shoulder hits the guy and kils him and rides off. A little while later he sees three black construction workers lined up on the road no one's around so he hits all three killing them too. Later as he is still driving along he sees a priest alongside the road and decides to pick him up. A few minutes later he sees a hundred black construction workers lined up in row. He thinks to himself damn I could hit all of them if the priest wasn't here. And then all of a sudden it dawned on him if he pretended to fall asleep he could "accidentaly" hit them all. He pretends to nod off and hears the satisfactory sound bumpity bumpity. He quickly wakes up and says to the preist. "What happened?" The priest turns to him and says "You missed them good thing I opened my door."
One day a woman was having an affair with a man when her husband came home from work. She knew she had to hid the man but did not have enough time, so she told him to stand in the corner of the room and wait. She returned with flour and put it all over his body, when the husband walked in he saw the man and asked where the statue came from. The wife replied, "The Davis's had a statue in their house why can't we?" Later that night the man woke up and went and got some food, he came back to the bedroom and said to the statue, "Here take this, I stood in the Davis's bedroom for three days and didn't get anything."
A guy was having an affair behind his blonde wife's back. One night he was having sex with his other lover when his wife barged in. She took one look and whipped out a gun and held it to her head saying,"That's it I can't take it anymore I'm going to kill myself." This scares the man so he starts pleading with his wife not to shoot herself. She turns to him and says,"Shutup your next!"
Two nuns were walking down a dark alley when they were jumped by two men and raped them. The first one while being raped turned toward heaven and prayed to God, "Dear God please forgive these men for they no not what they are doing. " The second one turned and replied, " This one does."
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones' wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sunk. A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe, and mistaking him for John said: "Oh, Mr Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible." Joe smiled and said: "Well, I'm not a bit sorry! She was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack, and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her, but if anyone else used her, she leaked like anything. But what finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I would lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once, and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle. Before he could finish, the old lady fainted.
A guy joins a nudist colony and on his first day he sees a beautiful women walking on the beach and he immediatly pops a boner. She walks over and says, "You called?" And the man is puzzled and he asks what it means. She explains when he sees a women and gets a boner he calls to have sex with her. So he thinks this is cool and they have sex. Later while he is in the sauna he farts a big guy walks over and says you called the guy is puzzled again and asks the man to explains. The big guy says when you fart you call to be sodimized. Well the one guy protests to this but the big guy insists and he sodomizes him. The man then goes to the front desk immediatly. He tells the women at the front desk he wants to end his membership to the colony right now. The women asks why and the guy explains. He says, "I'm 50 I pop a boner once a week I fart 15 times a day.
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows "One burger!" Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm afew times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The old lady says, "that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."
It's the first day of school and the teacher says to the kids, "This year we will speak like grown-ups." So the teacher goes to the first kid and asks, "What did you do in the summer?" The kid says, "I went on a choo-choo train ride." Teacher says, "No, you went on a train ride." She goes to the next kid and asks again, The kid says, "I went on a tug-tug boat ride." The teacher says, "No, you went on a boat ride" The teacher goes to the last kid and asks the same thing. The kid says, " I read a book. The teacher says, "Really what book?" "Winnie the Shit!"
This joke has been voted as the "Joke of the Month" on 2/15/97
A bar was having a talent show, and a guy walked in and said to the bartender "I bet that I can fart the ABC's, the bartender thought that it would be impossible, so he put him the stage. The guy then ripped down his pants and crapped all over the stage. The bartender was pissed and said " What the hell was that ?" The man replied " Every singer clears his throat before he sings".