William - conqueror of style

But most British teenagers are still unlikely to follow suit, says Neil McCormick

I HAVE always considered the concept of teenage style to be an oxymoron. Only someone with no children over 12 could even utter the phrase without irony. If you require proof of this, I suggest you look through an old family photograph album and check what you were wearing when you were, say, 14 years old.

So what of the news that 14-year-old Prince William has been selected as one of the world's 10 best-dressed individuals by the American magazine People? As someone whose responsibilities include footing the clothing bills of the two teenagers who live rent-free in my house, I found something inherently disturbing about a boy of that age being selected as an icon of sartorial elegance.

So I was immensely relieved when Abner (14), emerging from the dark recesses of his bedroom draped in a hooded pullover with an X-files logo on the front and a pair of baggy Nike sweat-shorts, cast a disparaging eye over pictures of the young Prince in a tailored three-piece suit and grunted: "He dresses like you." This was not intended as a compliment.

His younger brother, Kamma, was equally unimpressed, finding the Prince's sensible-looking black leather shoes particularly disappointing. "He's rich," said Kamma. "You'd think he could get a decent pair of trainers."

Shoes should be emblazoned with a logo, various flashes and stripes and some lights that flicker when they hit the pavement

Kamma's own taste in footwear tends towards the elaborate. Shoes should be emblazoned with a logo, various flashes and stripes and some lights that flicker when they hit the pavement. A selection of whistles and bleepers may also be attached, but this is not obligatory. Comfort and durability are, of course, low on his list of priorities.

I should point out that Kamma is 12, which means he is not, technically speaking, a teenager - although there is no telling him that. The truth is that an enormously diverse mass of young people are grouped together under the deceptively unifying banner of "teendom". A 13-year-old has little enough in common with a 19-year-old, even before you factor in sex, race, class and (most important of all) taste in music and sport.

For an instant guide to teenage style, one should not turn to fashion magazines but to periodicals such as Smash Hits and Goal. Very few of the pop or sports stars featured in their pages are actually teenagers (some, in fact, look old enough to be parents of teenagers) but they dress like teenagers, and teenagers dress like them.

Styles vary tremendously, with a great deal depending on whether the teens listen to hip-hop, soul, techno, indy rock or heavy metal, and whether they follow football, basketball, baseball or athletics. The potential for cross-fertilisation is almost limitless, with white soccer-playing teenagers from Peckham dressing like black rap gangsters from Brooklyn, who themselves wear the sporty track-suit clothing and logos of their favourite baseball team.

Confused? It's called adolescence. Teenagers wear clothes like a badge, dressing to identify with someone or something in a bold attempt to assert a sense of identity. The only thing that changes quicker than their shoe size is their allegiance to a particular cause, which makes them God's gift to the fashion industry.

Abner recently returned from an expensive shopping expedition with three pairs of flashy trainers and one T-shirt

Many of my children's friends have clothes so large I could wear them, should I ever have a sudden rush of blood to the head and decide to go into the office dressed like an LA surfer. This taste for outsize garments should have its advantages for growing children, but by the time they fit properly, they will have gone out of fashion.

A number of the boys have brand names and logos shaved into their hair, a trend that I find quite reassuring. When they leave home and discover no one will employ them because of their appearance, they can always hire themselves out as walking billboards.

In my experience, buying clothes for teenagers is, frankly, a waste of time. They are not going to approve of your choices, despite all the thought, time, and effort you put into them -or perhaps especially because of all the time, thought and effort you put into them. Shopping with teenagers, however, is simply humiliating. Every time you point out some reasonably priced item that looks suitable, you will be greeted with a look that suggests you are completely out of your mind.

Eventually you will be forced to approach the smirking shop assistant clutching a selection of lurid, over-priced, entirely impractical items featuring bold logos steeped in sly drug references that you don't quite understand. Indeed, no experience on this planet is guaranteed to make you feel older and more out of touch than shopping with a teenager.

The only other option, of course, is to give them the money and let them get on with it. This can have its own dubious consequences. Abner recently returned from an expensive shopping expedition with three pairs of flashy trainers and one T-shirt. That should get him through the winter nicely.

After Prince William's elevation to the world's best dressed, however, all my problems may be solved. I'll just hand them down my old suits, and perhaps we can start a kind of teenage, three-piece trend with a baggy twist. If it's good enough for a prince, it ought to be good enough for them.

kittywinky@yahoo.com